He has no time for me

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

UPDATE:

After I told him that he could act a little interested, he explained to me again how busy he was and that he barely has time to speak to his own parents let alone hang out with me right now. It still didn't come off very nice, so I replied, 'You just seem grumpy, like you want to be left alone.'

Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Him: I have been since Sunday and Idk why.

Me: Well it's kind of making it difficult over here when I Don't know what's up with the cold shoulder.

Him: I don't wanna drag you through this with me

Me: Well I don't know what to tell you, I'll give you your space.

I went to sleep, and then woke up to this -

Him: I won't do the whole standoffish leave her guessing thing because that's what cowards do. Honestly, I'm losing it I'm always in control, I have been my whole life and it's like I blinked in the beginning of March and everything started slipping away from me. I don't know how to deal with the feeling that I'm constantly running from A to B with no time to stop and breathe. IT's just burning me out. I keep going to bed saying, tomorrow I have this and this and then I can relax, but then I wake up and either get work thrown on me or baseball or homework that takes longer than it should. I've never been so frustrated with myself.. sorry, I'm not trying to keep you in the dark but I hate talking about myself and my issues. Makes me feel selfish and in my eyes there's nothing I can't handle. This is just taking longer than I hoped it would. Goodnight.

I thought about this, and began feeling really guilty and selfish for not knowing how tough his life has been for him lately. I knew that I had to be as supportive as possible. So I wrote back and said this-

Me: I appreciate you being honest with me, I don't expect you to keep everything bottled up and assume you're okay. I know times have been tough for you but I didn't know it was to that extent. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me or let me know what's going on, I'm on your team here, and I can't help you if you just leave me in the dark. And I know I can't help much but you gotta tell me what you want from me to make your life easier, whether it's just backing away and letting you be or being there to listen to you vent. Just know I can't guess at how you're feeling or what you need so know I'm here if there's anything I can do.

That was pretty much it, and he hasn't said anything since. It sounds like his over busy schedule may be making him fall into depression? I want to be there for him, but I almost feel like he's just pushing me away. I know it took a lot for him to tell me all that, so I'm trying to be supportive. I guess that's all I can do. Hopefully we can get through these next couple months..

[Redhead14]

UPDATE:

After I told him that he could act a little interested, he explained to me again how busy he was and that he barely has time to speak to his own parents let alone hang out with me right now. It still didn't come off very nice, so I replied, 'You just seem grumpy, like you want to be left alone.'

Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Him: I have been since Sunday and Idk why.

Me: Well it's kind of making it difficult over here when I Don't know what's up with the cold shoulder.

Him: I don't wanna drag you through this with me

Me: Well I don't know what to tell you, I'll give you your space.

I went to sleep, and then woke up to this -

Him: I won't do the whole standoffish leave her guessing thing because that's what cowards do. Honestly, I'm losing it I'm always in control, I have been my whole life and it's like I blinked in the beginning of March and everything started slipping away from me. I don't know how to deal with the feeling that I'm constantly running from A to B with no time to stop and breathe. IT's just burning me out. I keep going to bed saying, tomorrow I have this and this and then I can relax, but then I wake up and either get work thrown on me or baseball or homework that takes longer than it should. I've never been so frustrated with myself.. sorry, I'm not trying to keep you in the dark but I hate talking about myself and my issues. Makes me feel selfish and in my eyes there's nothing I can't handle. This is just taking longer than I hoped it would. Goodnight.

I thought about this, and began feeling really guilty and selfish for not knowing how tough his life has been for him lately. I knew that I had to be as supportive as possible. So I wrote back and said this-

Me: I appreciate you being honest with me, I don't expect you to keep everything bottled up and assume you're okay. I know times have been tough for you but I didn't know it was to that extent. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me or let me know what's going on, I'm on your team here, and I can't help you if you just leave me in the dark. And I know I can't help much but you gotta tell me what you want from me to make your life easier, whether it's just backing away and letting you be or being there to listen to you vent. Just know I can't guess at how you're feeling or what you need so know I'm here if there's anything I can do.

That was pretty much it, and he hasn't said anything since. It sounds like his over busy schedule may be making him fall into depression? I want to be there for him, but I almost feel like he's just pushing me away. I know it took a lot for him to tell me all that, so I'm trying to be supportive. I guess that's all I can do. Hopefully we can get through these next couple months..

 

He has over extended himself. I'm willing to bet that there is something else behind that as well. Something else maybe that's weighing on him and causing him to throw himself into a bunch of things to "distract" himself from it. And, depression comes to mind. Although people associate a lack of being involved with depression, sometimes it's the other way around and is actually a healthier way to deal with it than shutting oneself in. But when things calm down, encourage him to continue to do some things, but not as much.

 

Be supportive as you have. He opened up to you and that's a good thing. I suggested somewhere above that maybe you could go to a few of his baseball games as another show of support. Bring him something to eat and drink.

[fitnessfan365]

The main question I have is why wouldn't you have such an indepth and honest discussion over the phone? Doing all of that by text is so impersonal. Any type of feelings or honesty discussions should always either be done by phone or in person. Example. I've been seeing my GF 2x a week since we're still somewhat new. So we were exchanging a few texts and I say "The wait is starting to feel long between Tues-Sat isnt it?" She says "I know! What other nights are you free?" So I say that we'll talk more in person.

 

Then face to face I tell her "You're special to me, and I want to make time to see you a bit more often. So let's do 3x a week". She was very happy with this. I also stressed to her that I wanted to wait to talk in person and not say that to her in a text which she liked a lot as well. I think that texting has become one of the downfalls in dating today and the fact that people are now referring to texting as "talking" is a bad sign IMO.

[BikerAccnt]

Are you dating my Girlfriend?

 

i'm going thru pretty much the exact same thing with her at this very moment. So know you aren't alone.

 

She'd been working two jobs, plus doing hair (she's also a hairdresser) on the weekends, all to help pay her daughters way thru college. This started about January. We are down to seeing each other for a date, maybe every other week, and I manage to sneak in an hour or two once a week otherwise.

 

Her texting/communication has dropped way off and she's always exhausted. Hell, she came over Valentines eve and fell alseep on me! Imagine if I had done that! She gets defensive if I mention I need to see her more. That what we have after 1 year of going out, isn't what I consider a relationship anymore.

 

I've started backing off myself, and I suggest you do also. The fact that they may not have time doesn't change how we feel about it. I don't begrudge my GF what she's doing. It's what she thinks she must do. Probably the same with your BF.

 

If I/we aren't important enough to be placed on the priority list...well, I don't mind not being first, but I sure don't want to be last either.

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

And just to clarify, I have put in quite a lot of effort as well. Yes, I am used to the 'good mornings' and 'good nights' but I do it just as much too. Baseball only started a month ago and a lot of games have been canceled due to rain or have been far or I've had work. This Sunday, he has a game up the road from me and I'm planning on going. It's also a double header, his parents will be there, and I know nothing about baseball. So, I'll be sitting there for 4 hours not knowing what's going on, and it's my only day off, but hey I'm trying where I can! I hope he will see that as being supportive.

[katiegrl]

And just to clarify, I have put in quite a lot of effort as well. Yes, I am used to the 'good mornings' and 'good nights' but I do it just as much too. .

 

Thank you for clarifying that!

[fitnessfan365]

And just to clarify, I have put in quite a lot of effort as well. Yes, I am used to the 'good mornings' and 'good nights' but I do it just as much too. Baseball only started a month ago and a lot of games have been canceled due to rain or have been far or I've had work. This Sunday, he has a game up the road from me and I'm planning on going. It's also a double header, his parents will be there, and I know nothing about baseball. So, I'll be sitting there for 4 hours not knowing what's going on, and it's my only day off, but hey I'm trying where I can! I hope he will see that as being supportive.

 

Gotta admit. That's pretty bad ass of you. However I'm surprised that you know so little about baseball when you're dating a guy who's so passionate about it and spends so much time around it. You'd think he'd pick a girl that liked baseball..LOL

 

But the fact that you don't know anything about the game and his parents will be there, along with it being your one day off, is pretty awesome. So that's effort I can respect.

 

You have to admit though, based on your original post and what I highlighted, it did seem like he was doing most of the effort. All we have to go on is what you post so thanks for clarifying.

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

Gotta admit. That's pretty bad ass of you. However I'm surprised that you know so little about baseball when you're dating a guy who's so passionate about it and spends so much time around it. You'd think he'd pick a girl that liked baseball..LOL

 

But the fact that you don't know anything about the game and his parents will be there, along with it being your one day off, is pretty awesome. So that's effort I can respect.

 

You have to admit though, based on your original post and what I highlighted, it did seem like he was doing most of the effort. All we have to go on is what you post so thanks for clarifying.

 

Haha hey listen, I'm just as surprised as you are that he didn't pick a girl who knew a slightest inkling about baseball. I am NOT a sports girl, but baseball is his life and I am trying SO hard to try to learn :/

I want to give this relationship 100%, even if that means spending my one day off sitting for four hours watching a ball go back and forth. Ugh. That sounded bad, but I really don't understand sports lol.

And yes you're right, I should of explained more in my original post!

[Redhead14]

And just to clarify, I have put in quite a lot of effort as well. Yes, I am used to the 'good mornings' and 'good nights' but I do it just as much too. Baseball only started a month ago and a lot of games have been canceled due to rain or have been far or I've had work. This Sunday, he has a game up the road from me and I'm planning on going. It's also a double header, his parents will be there, and I know nothing about baseball. So, I'll be sitting there for 4 hours not knowing what's going on, and it's my only day off, but hey I'm trying where I can! I hope he will see that as being supportive.

 

Not knowing anything about baseball actually gives you an opportunity to bond with him. Ask him to explain the game to you at some point after those games It will get you into his "world" a little more. Guys usually like to talk about stuff they enjoy. Heads up though, if he's feeling so overwhelmed, he may not feel like talking about it and wanting to "get away" from it so to speak.

[JohnsonBaby]

Katygirl s point is spot on.

 

Simply said ;He doesn't make time for you cuz he doesn't like you as much as you like him . Been there and I d suggest to meet other people to get over him Asap. Once you in too deep you re screwed .

[katiegrl]

Katygirl s point is spot on.

 

Simply said ;He doesn't make time for you cuz he doesn't like you as much as you like him . Been there and I d suggest to meet other people to get over him Asap. Once you in too deep you re screwed .

 

^^JB, I agree with you and it's NOT just cause you agreed with me.

 

Despite everything that has been posted since my first post (including posts by the OP), I still feel the same.

 

He's on his way out emotionally, if not already gone.

 

Whether it is due to having too much on his plate, or other reasons, given his last text to you, he sounds completely anxious and stressed.

 

**And as a result, emotionally, he's numb. Feels "nothing" but anxiety and stress.

 

I would not go to the game this weekend. That is likely to cause him "more" stress. What he needs, and what he hoped you'd "get" after reading his last text, is SPACE.

 

I think you are right when you said he is pushing you away. He is! He is just not feeling it for you right now, that is very clear...at least it is to me from reading your posts .... and HIS last text to you, combined with his overall apathathic attitude towards you in general (i.e. his brief, cold text responses, his grumpiness, his disinterest in getting together with you, etc).

 

He doesn't want your support, he wants you to go away.

 

Sorry that sounds blunt, but I don't know how else to say it.

Edited April 16, 2015 by katiegrl

[clia]

My take is that he wants to end the relationship but is afraid to come out and say it.

 

It took him four months to even decide you were girlfriend material. That’s a long time.

 

I get that he’s busy. People get busy. But you are not a priority for him at all. You come dead last, to the point that he’s not even wondering when he might see you again. To me, that’s not a good sign. And he doesn’t even seem to be trying to reassure you. It’s all about him.

 

I texted him again tonight, and asked when he'd be free again so I could see him. His response: 'No time in the foreseeable future.' Ok. He then said, 'sorry this is just a lot for me right now, I have too much going on.'

 

You are his girlfriend, but he has no time for you in the foreseeable future? I get it that he’s busy, but you are not a priority to him at all, to the point that you don’t even know when he is going to have time to see you again. That’s not a relationship.

 

UPDATE:

After I told him that he could act a little interested, he explained to me again how busy he was and that he barely has time to speak to his own parents let alone hang out with me right now. It still didn't come off very nice, so I replied, 'You just seem grumpy, like you want to be left alone.'

Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Him: I have been since Sunday and Idk why.

Me: Well it's kind of making it difficult over here when I Don't know what's up with the cold shoulder.

Him: I don't wanna drag you through this with me

Me: Well I don't know what to tell you, I'll give you your space.

 

The bolded sounds like he’s trying to end the relationship.

 

I went to sleep, and then woke up to this -

Him: I won't do the whole standoffish leave her guessing thing because that's what cowards do. Honestly, I'm losing it I'm always in control, I have been my whole life and it's like I blinked in the beginning of March and everything started slipping away from me. I don't know how to deal with the feeling that I'm constantly running from A to B with no time to stop and breathe. IT's just burning me out. I keep going to bed saying, tomorrow I have this and this and then I can relax, but then I wake up and either get work thrown on me or baseball or homework that takes longer than it should. I've never been so frustrated with myself.. sorry, I'm not trying to keep you in the dark but I hate talking about myself and my issues. Makes me feel selfish and in my eyes there's nothing I can't handle. This is just taking longer than I hoped it would. Goodnight.

 

He should’ve called you to talk about this kind of stuff, which makes me think he just wants to spew it out and not have to really deal with your reaction or questions. This text is all about him. He said nothing to reassure you that things were fine with your relationship, even a “just hang in there, it’ll be over soon.” Not even an "I love you." He feels bad that he doesn’t have the courage to just flat out end the relationship, so he’s throwing all this crap out there on you and hoping you will get the hint.

 

I thought about this, and began feeling really guilty and selfish for not knowing how tough his life has been for him lately. I knew that I had to be as supportive as possible. So I wrote back and said this-

 

If you didn’t how tough his life has been for him lately, that’s because he has not communicated this to you. How was your communication before this? It seems odd to me that he didn’t share any of this with you, and when he did decide to do it he did it over text message.

 

Me: I appreciate you being honest with me, I don't expect you to keep everything bottled up and assume you're okay. I know times have been tough for you but I didn't know it was to that extent. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me or let me know what's going on, I'm on your team here, and I can't help you if you just leave me in the dark. And I know I can't help much but you gotta tell me what you want from me to make your life easier, whether it's just backing away and letting you be or being there to listen to you vent. Just know I can't guess at how you're feeling or what you need so know I'm here if there's anything I can do.

That was pretty much it, and he hasn't said anything since. It sounds like his over busy schedule may be making him fall into depression? I want to be there for him, but I almost feel like he's just pushing me away. I know it took a lot for him to tell me all that, so I'm trying to be supportive. I guess that's all I can do. Hopefully we can get through these next couple months..

 

And then you flat out ask him to tell you what you can do….and no response. Because you can't do anything. He's checked out.

 

And just to clarify, I have put in quite a lot of effort as well. Yes, I am used to the 'good mornings' and 'good nights' but I do it just as much too. Baseball only started a month ago and a lot of games have been canceled due to rain or have been far or I've had work. This Sunday, he has a game up the road from me and I'm planning on going. It's also a double header, his parents will be there, and I know nothing about baseball. So, I'll be sitting there for 4 hours not knowing what's going on, and it's my only day off, but hey I'm trying where I can! I hope he will see that as being supportive.

 

If so many games have been cancelled, why hasn’t he had time to see you?

I’ll say this. There is no way in Hades I would sit for four hours on my day off watching a baseball game if I was being treated like this. Has he made any plans to see you after the game? Since the game is just up the road from you, stop by for an hour and then go do your own thing.

 

Honestly, from what he’s said to you, I would consider the relationship over and try to begin the process of moving on.

[katiegrl]

My take is that he wants to end the relationship but is afraid to come out and say it.

 

It took him four months to even decide you were girlfriend material. That’s a long time.

 

I get that he’s busy. People get busy. But you are not a priority for him at all. You come dead last, to the point that he’s not even wondering when he might see you again. To me, that’s not a good sign. And he doesn’t even seem to be trying to reassure you. It’s all about him.

 

 

 

You are his girlfriend, but he has no time for you in the foreseeable future? I get it that he’s busy, but you are not a priority to him at all, to the point that you don’t even know when he is going to have time to see you again. That’s not a relationship.

 

 

 

The bolded sounds like he’s trying to end the relationship.

 

 

 

He should’ve called you to talk about this kind of stuff, which makes me think he just wants to spew it out and not have to really deal with your reaction or questions. This text is all about him. He said nothing to reassure you that things were fine with your relationship, even a “just hang in there, it’ll be over soon.” Not even an "I love you." He feels bad that he doesn’t have the courage to just flat out end the relationship, so he’s throwing all this crap out there on you and hoping you will get the hint.

 

 

 

If you didn’t how tough his life has been for him lately, that’s because he has not communicated this to you. How was your communication before this? It seems odd to me that he didn’t share any of this with you, and when he did decide to do it he did it over text message.

 

 

 

And then you flat out ask him to tell you what you can do….and no response. Because you can't do anything. He's checked out.

 

 

 

If so many games have been cancelled, why hasn’t he had time to see you?

I’ll say this. There is no way in Hades I would sit for four hours on my day off watching a baseball game if I was being treated like this. Has he made any plans to see you after the game? Since the game is just up the road from you, stop by for an hour and then go do your own thing.

 

Honestly, from what he’s said to you, I would consider the relationship over and try to begin the process of moving on.

 

Very well said!

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

Update:

 

So I went to his baseball game on Sunday, after contemplating about it. He had still seemed a little distant since then so as some of you said, I didn't want to look like an idiot by going to the game and putting in that much effort. But I did. I figured if he wanted out, he would of been a man and told me, and that I should at least give 100% effort on my end. I sat with his parents and actually had a decent time. It was so freezing and I didn't bring a jacket, so his mom wrapped me in blankets and his dad gave me his jacket. We sat for about three hours watching the game and I talked to his parents the whole time as they joked with me and told me stories of their son growing up. I saw him on the field, running back and forth, busy with his team. He came over and said hello between games, kissed me without hesitation, and thanked me for coming. I think he noticed that I was bundled in 3 blankets and shivering on a metal bench for hours and think he was impressed that I had been there for him. I left just before the second game was over, since it was getting unbearably cold and I had work to do at home. He texted me a couple hours later after the game was over saying again thank you for coming and that it meant a lot to him. We talked a little more that night, but again, no mushy 'goodnight'. This morning, he texted me first thing at 8 am, and after going back and forth a little, he told me he was so glad that his game was canceled today so he could finally relax a little. I feel like if I was a priority he'd take this as an opportunity to see me..? He even mentioned that he was on call again all week - which means he has to stay on campus until Sunday. (Aka, he cannot come here all week) But he also did not invite me up there. I'd be up there in a second. Just invite me and tell me you want me there.

I'm going crazy over here. I don't want to discuss my concerns over text anymore. I just need confirmation that he's still invested in this, and I feel like I won't be able to tell for sure until I see him again. And it being only Monday, he already told me he was on call all week, so how I see it, doesn't look like I'll be seeing him this week either.

What do I do? I feel horrible. I don't know what I did. I'm laying low. I'm letting him come to me. But I feel like I'm going to burst if I have to wait another week, at least, to find out if he's still in this.

Or would he just tell me if he wasn't?

[Versacehottie]

hmmm, i didn't read through all the posts so forgive me if i get some of it wrong. But funny, when i read OP's posts about her bf, i thought one thing that might be going on was that the stress of being busy in his life. Some people take stress on differently. A guy can want his gf to be supportive but be pretty distant and uncaring at same time. That may be how he deals with his stress and busy-ness! Not fair, but people are not perfect. I think he can both be expecting OP to do a little more of the relationship work and initiating but then not entirely receptive to it because of all the things going on in his life. Sadly he wouldn't be the only person to react like this.

 

Also sadly when these sorts of things start to happen i think each person can start to transfer it both to what they believe the other thinks/feels for them and how they feel about their partner. I think that's what's going on. I wish I had a good solution. Maybe if you believe in my take on what the reason there is an issue then OP or others will have a good solution. I do think he also sees it as OP is being needy and a drain on him which he cannot manage at this time and feels bad about and then like he let her down which doesn't make him feel good about the relationship.