Trust after an affair

[cocorico]

I've read many posts saying "I would never be able to trust him/her in a full-time relationship after seeing how s/he deceived his / her partner" - usually by the AP / fAP, usually at the point of wanting to end the R.

 

Obviously, not everyone feels that way. Some couples reconcile successfully after an A. Likewise, some fAPs go on (after the MP's D) to form stable, long term, full time relationships characterised by trust and respect. And some WS divorce and go on to have strong, healthy relationships with other people who don't let the fWS's past infidelity get in the way.

 

So, I'm interested to know, would / could you ever trust someone who has been unfaithful, if

1) they had been unfaithful to you (for example, if you found out you were a BS, would you be willing to try to reconcile with your WS); or

2) they had been unfaithful with you (if you were APs with a chance to have a full time relationship, would you be willing to try); or

3) if you discovered your prospective BF / GF had been unfaithful to a previous partner, would you still be interested in pursuing a relationship;

 

AND under what conditions? What would they need to do to prove to you they were worth trusting?

[cocorico]

I haven't been (1) AFAIK, and can't presume to know how I'd respond; but I have been (2).

 

To me, what mattered was that he went through a process (involving a great deal of work) in IC to find out how and why he'd gotten to the point where that had seemed like his best option - and had developed skills, self-awareness and resolve to do better if he landed up in a similar place.

 

It also mattered to me to learn what his triggers were, to be aware of any behaviours of my own that could either improve or worsen the risk factors.

 

And it mattered that we prioritise our R and keep it in sight at all time, not avoiding hard conversations when they need to be had, and not tolerating unhealthy relating behaviours in ourselves or in each other.

[No Limit]

1) No. You trust a rat, you get bitten.

 

2) No, because I'd never get involved with a taken person this way. Rejected 2 of such offers already.

 

3) No. Why take a rotten apple?

[minimariah]

1) they had been unfaithful to you (for example, if you found out you were a BS, would you be willing to try to reconcile with your WS)

 

noap! it's a deal-breaker for me. i really don't like drama... at all (i DO like to read about in fictionbooks but that's where it ends ). i was a BS not that long ago & the moment i found out? i knew i couldn't do it. i immediately told myself = okay... this is it, we'll divorce. i recognized my then H's infidelity as a sign that our relationship came to an end. i respectfully bowed out & started moving on with my life. i can honestly say that i've never even thought about the possibility of reconciliation. if it happens again? i'll do the same.

 

it's simple in my mind - if we failed to build a relationship where my partner doesn't feel comfortable enough to at least be honest with me about his true feelings & relationship with someone else? i'm out. i'm running for the hills and never looking back, wishing him the best. if my partner's infidelity turns out to be a sign of deeper issues, personality disorder? i'm most definitely divorcing & leaving BUT i might stick around as a friend to help that person out.

 

either way - it's a no from me! *in simon cowell voice*

 

2) they had been unfaithful with you (if you were APs with a chance to have a full time relationship, would you be willing to try)

 

i... honestly don't know how to answer this question. i've never been in an A & i honestly doubt i'll ever be in one. but i assume it would be a no from me on this one, too.

 

3) if you discovered your prospective BF / GF had been unfaithful to a previous partner, would you still be interested in pursuing a relationship

 

well... i'm not going to be judgemental so i'm not going to turn that person down as soon as i hear about it. BUT it would be a red flag... just something i'd keep somehwere in the back of my mind. of course, i would communicate with my partner about it - i would want to know how that person feels about being unfaithful, does he recognizes it as a harmful behavior, WHY did he do it in the 1st place, does he feel remorse, what did he learn... blah, blah, blah.

 

you know, this will sound really weird to some - but in my personal experience, partners with infidelities in their past were actually more honest & faithful to their new partners than those with the "it CANNOT happen to me, i would NEVER" mentality. i think those who were previously unfaithful (and of course, WORKED on it) are aware of the damage an A does and are more careful the other way around. also, i noticed they're more aware of the EAs... some men don't even know such thing as an EA even exists.

 

i don't believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" since life proved me wrong on that one, so i'd be willing to give it a try.

 

What would they need to do to prove to you they were worth trusting?

 

well... just have an open communication and not hide anything from me, basically. i'm not really looking for some kind of proof, i don't like to control or police my partners. so usually, they show their real colors with time. i keep my eyes open and when i see the first red flag? i'm out, running for the hills, never looking back and wishing you the best.

[autumnnight]

1. This would be tough, and it would be entirely dependent upon their consistent attitudes and actions after D-Day

 

2. This would be tough too, and we'd probably have to address the elephant question in the room really well

 

3. I'd want to know if they learned anything. I believe in redemption, and i do not presume to be perfect, so someone else's past imperfection is not something I would necessarily punish them for in the present.

 

I'm not generally an all or nothing kind of person.

[PrettyEmily77]

1) they had been unfaithful to you (for example, if you found out you were a BS, would you be willing to try to reconcile with your WS)

 

No. Never happened but I can categorically say I wouldn't be able to forgive.

 

 

2) they had been unfaithful with you (if you were APs with a chance to have a full time relationship, would you be willing to try)?

 

 

No chance I'd get involved with someone unless he's fully single.

 

 

3) if you discovered your prospective BF / GF had been unfaithful to a previous partner, would you still be interested in pursuing a relationship; AND under what conditions? What would they need to do to prove to you they were worth trusting?

 

 

Probably not - maybe, depending how hard I'd have fallen for them. They wouldn't need to prove anything to me. I'd have to trust them based on how they acted with me but if they were unfaithful to me, I'd know I'd be the only one to blame.

 

 

I spent a few years going back and forth with someone I was crazy in love with but he was so badly hurt by his ex's serial cheating that in the end his lack of trust and constant paranoia made it impossible for us to have a healthy relationship; since then I've found it very difficult to have any understanding or empathy for those people who can create such havoc in someone's live, especially those who have no remorse whatsoever.

[toolforgrowth]

So, I'm interested to know, would / could you ever trust someone who has been unfaithful, if

1) they had been unfaithful to you (for example, if you found out you were a BS, would you be willing to try to reconcile with your WS);

 

I'm a BS. Immediately divorced my xWW, never tried reconciling with her, didn't want to reconcile with her, will never reconcile with her.

 

2) they had been unfaithful with you (if you were APs with a chance to have a full time relationship, would you be willing to try)

Never been in this situation. Will never place myself in this situation.

 

3) if you discovered your prospective BF / GF had been unfaithful to a previous partner, would you still be interested in pursuing a relationship; AND under what conditions? What would they need to do to prove to you they were worth trusting?

Tried it with a woman I briefly dated once. Didn't work out. Felt weird. Plus she was extremely bi-polar (certified diagnosed by a medical professional). The whole thing was just a big hell no.

 

Basically, the only person in an infidelity triangle I would ever date would be a BS like myself. Anyone who cheated, or has been the AP of someone who was married (even if they were themselves single), I would never get into a relationship with. I had a fling with someone who was an AP, but that was just sex.

[BetrayedH]

Having been down the road of trying to reconcile with a wayward once before, I wouldn't do it again. Cheating on me will be an instant dealbreaker.

 

As for the other two scenarios, I'd have to have faith that the issues that lead to the cheating were sufficiently resolved. As a young man, I cheated when I was too needy for validation. As a betrayed spouse, I cheated because I was a broken person. I don't believe "Once a cheater, always a cheater" but I'll never again have the patience to watch and wait for someone to resolve their issues. If I felt that past issues were resolved already, perhaps.

[SolG]

you know, this will sound really weird to some - but in my personal experience, partners with infidelities in their past were actually more honest & faithful to their new partners than those with the "it CANNOT happen to me, i would NEVER" mentality. i think those who were previously unfaithful (and of course, WORKED on it) are aware of the damage an A does and are more careful the other way around. also, i noticed they're more aware of the EAs... some men don't even know such thing as an EA even exists.

 

This is a really interesting point. Prior to being an OW, I had no real exposure to infidelity. I have never been cheated on, nor cheated. Of course I wasn't oblivious to its existence (it's always happening around), I'd just never bothered to really notice because it didn't affect me.

 

Now... As an accomplice/participant, I'm acutely aware of it. I'm almost hypersensitive and intensely curious. It's made me so much more appreciative of both the importance and rarity of truth in so many relationships.

 

I would go so far as to say that truth has become a non-negotiable for me. So in that respect, I don't think I could accept cheating for much the same reason mini advocates - if my partner couldn't share their feelings or desire for another, let alone any underlying disatisfaction with me... I couldn't accept the relationship because of this lack of intimacy. This would be the dealbreaker, not the infidelity per se.

 

In the second scenario, as an OW now it is obviously close to the bone. Yes, I could accept a relationship with MM. Again, truth being the caveat. The trick is being able to really believe that truth has been achieved. I'm not at that point. And maybe never will be. But that's my measuring stick.

 

And I could absolutely be with a prior cheater. As long as they were open and honest about the experience. And I would expect them to fully disclose, as I would disclose to them.

[I4givehim]

I've read many posts saying "I would never be able to trust him/her in a full-time relationship after seeing how s/he deceived his / her partner" - usually by the AP / fAP, usually at the point of wanting to end the R.

 

Obviously, not everyone feels that way. Some couples reconcile successfully after an A. Likewise, some fAPs go on (after the MP's D) to form stable, long term, full time relationships characterised by trust and respect. And some WS divorce and go on to have strong, healthy relationships with other people who don't let the fWS's past infidelity get in the way.

 

So, I'm interested to know, would / could you ever trust someone who has been unfaithful, if

1) they had been unfaithful to you (for example, if you found out you were a BS, would you be willing to try to reconcile with your WS); or

2) they had been unfaithful with you (if you were APs with a chance to have a full time relationship, would you be willing to try); or

3) if you discovered your prospective BF / GF had been unfaithful to a previous partner, would you still be interested in pursuing a relationship;

 

AND under what conditions? What would they need to do to prove to you they were worth trusting?

 

1) NO

2) NO

3) NO

When I found out that my husband cheated in his past relationships, I remember feeling sick. I was surprised that my husband would do something like that. I also thought what would he do to me. Well, history repeats itself. He turned around and cheated on me. Once a cheater always a cheater. I thought maybe I was going to be different because he married me, but nope. He is an awful person to every women he has been with. I think the OW was treated the worst out of all the women my H has been with. In a way I feel sorry for her and I have told him this. His reply was "she knew she was the piece on the side and that's all it was." As if that makes me feel better.

He keeps telling me he won't give me a divorce. We are going to work things out. I told him I am DONE. Unfortunately, I don't have money for a lawyer. I just have to wait. As the saying goes "Great things come to those who wait," so I'm in for one terrific future.

[swenann991]

1) No. You trust a rat, you get bitten.

 

2) No, because I'd never get involved with a taken person this way. Rejected 2 of such offers already.

 

3) No. Why take a rotten apple?

 

exactly! I like term "rat".

[truncated]

( 1) i have never been married and cheated on, so I can't say what I would do. There are too many variables to take into consideration.

 

(2) if I was an ow, I would never be able to trust that person. ( I wouldn't get involved with a married person anyway)

 

To me, this would be different than a married person trying to decide to reconcile. As an ow, I would never know the real reasons why the person cheated, other than that they hadsoemehting in them that allowed them to do so, and these issues are often very deeply rooted in the psyche. I don't believe that people cheat because of a "bad marriage", they cheat because they want to- I have never heard of someone cheating when they didn't want to-and at some level they are okay with it.

 

I could never trust them, and would always wonder what else they would be willing to lie about in order to get what they felt entitled to have, and who they would be willing to lie to. It would also indicate that they can't keep their word.

 

 

(3) Again, I don;t know what I would do in the situation. Did they cheat on someone the were dating without a confirmed commitment? did they cheat on a fiancée or a spouse?How old were they at the time?

 

i suppose that I could take some solace in the fact that they were at least being honest...

[purplesorrow]

1. He has done and continues to do a lot of work on himself. The trust has been slowly building but I did not follow through with reconciliation. I do think he will make someone a great partner.

2. Would not date someone in a relationship.

3. Not 100% sure but my initial response is no. I want someone who doesn't cheat period, not just someone who wouldn't cheat on Susie or Jane or whoever.

[autumnnight]

I want someone who doesn't cheat period, not just someone who wouldn't cheat on Susie or Jane or whoever.

 

What if it has nothing to do with Susie or Jane? What if ( as is the actual case with redemption), they made very bad choices during a period of life, faced them, took responsibility for them, turned from them, and grew so that they would not do it again?

 

I don't think a reformed cheater is someone who would still cheat with anyone except Joe. It is someone who has grown and learned and turned from cheating altogether.

[purplesorrow]

What if it has nothing to do with Susie or Jane? What if ( as is the actual case with redemption), they made very bad choices during a period of life, faced them, took responsibility for them, turned from them, and grew so that they would not do it again?

 

I don't think a reformed cheater is someone who would still cheat with anyone except Joe. It is someone who has grown and learned and turned from cheating altogether.

 

Well that really defines my husband and I'm not staying with him.

[autumnnight]

Well that really defines my husband and I'm not staying with him.

 

Yes, he cheated on you. I understand that completely. I'm thinking of Bob who cheated 10 years ago but has done the hard work and change and now wants to date me. Because I believe in redemption, I cannot say that I would disqualify him based on a choice he made and has worked on from ten years ago.

 

Maybe it is because I know how flawed I am, and I'd sure hate for someone to take some shortcoming from my past and define me by it today.

[purplesorrow]

Yes, he cheated on you. I understand that completely. I'm thinking of Bob who cheated 10 years ago but has done the hard work and change and now wants to date me. Because I believe in redemption, I cannot say that I would disqualify him based on a choice he made and has worked on from ten years ago.

 

Maybe it is because I know how flawed I am, and I'd sure hate for someone to take some shortcoming from my past and define me by it today.

 

Just because it is my preference not to date someone who cheated doesn't mean I don't believe in redemption. It doesn't mean I think I'm not flawed, everyone is. I'm two years out and not even divorced yet. It is still all very fresh so no, at the moment a former cheater isn't at the top of my list. Otherwise I would just stay with my husband. Good for you that you would, that is your preference.

[bachdude]

I've read many posts saying "I would never be able to trust him/her in a full-time relationship after seeing how s/he deceived his / her partner" - usually by the AP / fAP, usually at the point of wanting to end the R.

 

Obviously, not everyone feels that way. Some couples reconcile successfully after an A. Likewise, some fAPs go on (after the MP's D) to form stable, long term, full time relationships characterised by trust and respect. And some WS divorce and go on to have strong, healthy relationships with other people who don't let the fWS's past infidelity get in the way.

 

So, I'm interested to know, would / could you ever trust someone who has been unfaithful, if

1) they had been unfaithful to you (for example, if you found out you were a BS, would you be willing to try to reconcile with your WS); or

2) they had been unfaithful with you (if you were APs with a chance to have a full time relationship, would you be willing to try); or

3) if you discovered your prospective BF / GF had been unfaithful to a previous partner, would you still be interested in pursuing a relationship;

 

AND under what conditions? What would they need to do to prove to you they were worth trusting?

 

1. Yes I could, given the right set of circumstances

2. Same as above

3. Same as above

 

Cheating is a serious thing, but sometimes people end up in a very unhealthy relationship, and for various reasons see no way out, and the temptation comes along and they fall.

 

Anyone who truly knows themselves will not see others people's failings as totally strange.

 

A person who has cheated may even be in a better position to resist the temptation in the future than an over confident person who says, "I would NEVER cheat!".

 

I would take it on a case by case basis instead of a complete shut and closed case.

[devilish innocent]

So, I'm interested to know, would / could you ever trust someone who has been unfaithful, if

1) they had been unfaithful to you (for example, if you found out you were a BS, would you be willing to try to reconcile with your WS)Y

 

Yes, if...

-We'd been together for many years

-They were truly remorseful

-Did not allow things to continue for too long before putting a stop to it or telling me

-Were willing to go to counseling and do whatever work it took to prove they were faithful and ensure it wouldn't happen again

 

I think there are cases where people have slip-ups before they realize just what they'd done. If they really want to change, then there can be still hope. In a long term relationship, it could be worth it.

 

2) they had been unfaithful with you (if you were APs with a chance to have a full time relationship, would you be willing to try)

 

I was going to say no. Then I realized I know happily married couples who started off as an emotional affair. The one who was taken left their significant other before it progressed into a physical affair. In a situation like that, I might. I'd probably still want to take time apart though so they're not jumping from one relationship to another.

 

3) if you discovered your prospective BF / GF had been unfaithful to a previous partner, would you still be interested in pursuing a relationship;

 

This would depend a lot on why I found out. If it was something they couldn't hide from me, and it happened recently, then no. I wouldn't trust them under those circumstances. If they told me because they really wanted an honest relationship, I would be a lot more forgiving.

 

It would also depend how recent it was. I wouldn't be too concerned about somebody in their 30s who'd cheated when they were in high school. If they'd done it more recently, then I'd have a much harder time trusting them.

[MissBee]

I've read many posts saying "I would never be able to trust him/her in a full-time relationship after seeing how s/he deceived his / her partner" - usually by the AP / fAP, usually at the point of wanting to end the R.

 

Obviously, not everyone feels that way. Some couples reconcile successfully after an A. Likewise, some fAPs go on (after the MP's D) to form stable, long term, full time relationships characterised by trust and respect. And some WS divorce and go on to have strong, healthy relationships with other people who don't let the fWS's past infidelity get in the way.

 

So, I'm interested to know, would / could you ever trust someone who has been unfaithful, if

1) they had been unfaithful to you (for example, if you found out you were a BS, would you be willing to try to reconcile with your WS); or

2) they had been unfaithful with you (if you were APs with a chance to have a full time relationship, would you be willing to try); or

3) if you discovered your prospective BF / GF had been unfaithful to a previous partner, would you still be interested in pursuing a relationship;

 

AND under what conditions? What would they need to do to prove to you they were worth trusting?

 

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater and I'm not going to not date someone just because they have cheated. Like anything else, I'm interested in their views on it, which make up a larger part of their worldview, how they see it and assess it and where they are today and where I can envision it going in the future.

 

For me, I'm more interested in how the person assesses the cheating they did and where they are now. I am more apt to feel confident in them if they express that it wasn't the best thing, can articulate how and why they got there and can express and have shown how they hope to avoid that in the future and how they've grown. Those are my conditions. On the other hand, if the person doesn't really see cheating as a problem, they express no remorse, simply blame the person they cheated on for why they cheated, and just seem to lack any self awareness, I'd not proceed with dating them, as our views would be at odds about such an important matter and I'd not trust that they were self aware or emotionally mature enough to not make this a regular coping mechanism.

 

With the guy I was in the A with, we dated openly for a bit. I wasn't really paranoid about him cheating but it did bother me that he had never really expressed any remorse or any understanding of why it might not be a good thing. Him not doing that, among other things, led me to believe that he thought cheating was no big deal as long as no one finds out and you keep things separate. For me, that wasn't comforting, it's not my view and I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought this. I spoke to him last year and he claimed that when it comes on to me he doesn't think of it as cheating and no matter who he is with he should get a pass to be with me , he asked if I felt the same...I didn't. So we have very divergent views about fidelity and what counts and doesn't count as cheating. I don't think I would trust him because I don't really buy the whole I'm special and it's just because it's me argument. I think his views on it are way more lax (for himself only though) and nothing leads me to believe that he thinks anything is even wrong enough for him to consciously avoid it in the future, so I can't sit peacefully with that.

Edited April 15, 2015 by MissBee