and Talking it Out

[JoeDDD]

Looking for advice. I understand the NC and low contact and all the other forms of what to do after breaking up. Some pieces of each I like and some pieces I do not like. I feel each individual and relationship are different. Coming here to lay out as unbiasedly as possible the situation, and seeking some objective advice.

 

Dating/Living together for 6 months. Never any major arguments in that time. No cheating. No abuse(mental,physical,substance). Two normal people seemingly headed down a happy path.

 

Two weeks ago out of the blue,she expresses that she wants to move out,but that we can continue to date. The previous few days had held a few minor arguments but nothing that led me to believe moving out was the best answer. Being blindsided by this information, I don't feel I reacted as best as I could. I was angry and upset and confused. This was on a Thursday and she moved out the following Tuesday. Between Thursday and Tuesday I went through every emotion possible I believe. I asked her several times to stay. She said no. Then she would accuse me that I wasn't trying to convince her to stay. There were several lengthy conversations. Many dealing with her psychological issues(recently diagnosed with anxiety,depression,bi-polar and dealing with issues of rape and molestation in her past) and so much of it was new information that I had never know. After all that information came out, I still wanted her to stay and I wanted to help her even more. Again she declined. Even though she kept saying she wanted to continue dating, I didn't feel like she was sincere. I felt she was using that to fill the space until she hit the door.

 

Tuesday she left. No contact except for 2 texts asking when she could get her stuff. I responded,asked how she was doing. Nothing. Saturday she picked up her stuff and I have not heard a peep from her.

 

I am ok with NC. I am not doing it in the glorious hopes that she returns. I am doing it for me because due to the sudden nature I feel a bit off-kilter. I know that even if I were to contact her that I am still dealing with the anger and sense of rejection and confusion of the situation. I am ok with there being some space so that we both might regain some perspective.

 

I know her though and I know our situation. She has severe abandonment issues(along with everything else). I know with every day that we do not talk, although she may be missing me, she is also cementing in her mind that I am like every other person in her life who rejected her. I feel at some point the NC becomes more of a detriment to anything but the possibility that we are 100% over with. Given her issues that she has explained I wouldn't disagree with her either that I was abandoning her on some level.

 

I want to be able to contact her and just say a few choice things because I don't feel that the situation is un-saveable. If it is,so be it. You cannot lose any farther that which you have already lost. It is just not in my nature to leave things unspoken. Regardless of whether she responds at all, I feel the need to express certain things so that they are out there. That has always been in my nature and feels personally more liberating than saying "You Never Existed Just Because You Hurt Me".

 

You can breath. I am done. Thankful for any thoughts or even just more a chance to talk it through.

[ZiggyZoo]

It sounds like she's met someone else. That's usually the case when one person breaks it off suddenly, picks minor fights, and moves out without contact.

[JoeDDD]

I would actually find that more acceptable than the current situation. That would at least alleviate the guilt that I feel for not making the attempt to be there for her and some of the issues she is dealing with. I am 99.9% sure she hadn't met some. I am pretty cut and dry with that issue, and wouldn't have given her a second thought. Ok. Maybe for a minute,but there would be missing what was not the constant inner turmoil I feel right now.

[badpenny]

I know her though and I know our situation. She has severe abandonment issues(along with everything else). I know with every day that we do not talk, although she may be missing me, she is also cementing in her mind that I am like every other person in her life who rejected her.

I know you know her better than we do, but I actually strongly doubt this.

 

SHE is the one who ended it.

SHE is the one who said she wanted to move out.

SHE is the one who shifted all her stuff.

YOU kept asking her to stay. You spend much of the interim time asking her to reconsider, to not go.

 

For her to have abandonment issues is one thing, but no way can she twist this round, even in her mind, as just one more person who has let her down...

 

I feel at some point the NC becomes more of a detriment to anything but the possibility that we are 100% over with. Given her issues that she has explained I wouldn't disagree with her either that I was abandoning her on some level.

You've tried reaching out.

I know this is going to hurt, but - what she now thinks, is her problem, not yours.

She has walked out of your life.

Any responsibility you might have felt you had, for how she thought, ended the day she closed the door.

 

I want to be able to contact her and just say a few choice things because I don't feel that the situation is un-saveable.

WHat you think, alone, on your own, doesn't matter.

She has to also demonstrate she feels the same way.

Up until now, nothing has happened to give you any thought of that being the case.

Therefore, the situation being salvageable, is only in your mind. One can't do the work of two...

 

It is just not in my nature to leave things unspoken. Regardless of whether she responds at all, I feel the need to express certain things so that they are out there.

If you really are looking for advice, then listen up:

Frankly, you just want to get things off your chest for 'closure'.

Read the No Contact Guide.

No amount of talking or self-expression towards the other person, will give you that. Closure doesn't come form talking. Closure comes from dropping it, and walking.

I know it sounds harsh, but you have to try to understand:

Whatever your nature is, whatever you feel you need to express - it's both immaterial and futile.

It doesn't matter.

She has amply demonstrated she doesn't care what you want, think, or say.

For her, it's over and done with.

 

Sadly, you have to come to terms with that, and keep your silence.

 

That has always been in my nature and feels personally more liberating than saying "You Never Existed Just Because You Hurt Me".

Well, sometimes , Nature sucks, because it has no outlet. This is one of those times. Pointless pursuing the issue, because it will in all probability get you nothing and lead to nowhere.

 

Well, I've given my advice.

Nature tells me you'll argue the point....

[JoeDDD]

Funny! Not argue,discuss. I prefer that and it was somewhat the purpose of even posting.

 

I have read multiple versions of these NC guides. I understand all the underlying benefits that they present.

 

I just don't feel that the NC is necessarily a one size fits all method. I was hoping that someone had dealt with something similar. Especially the parts where there is a situation concerning the mental illness aspect. Some of it came out so suddenly that because of the push-pull of the moving out situation I don't think I fully comprehended. I am not sure if she was giving a cry for help and I was only hearing that she wanted to leave.

 

I know that there were things left on the table. Based on previous conversations I know that under no circumstances would she be the first to break NC. My personality is one that doesn't normally allow for inaction. I have never gained anything in life by just idly sitting and having it come to me. I am doing all of the other things the NC calls for because I know that they are good. Blocking the social media. Filling my life with all the things that being a couple sometimes doesn't allow for-Gym,family,my crazy hiking aspiration,etc. I am however not comfortable with just not saying anything at this point. My mind has conceded that she is gone and that that piece will not change. My heart is another matter. My heart feels it is wrong. My heart feels if I wasn't pushing her away (not directly but clearly if she wanted to leave I was lacking in areas), I truly am now. My heart feels that she is in need of help, and regardless of what has transpired I should be helping. If an attempt at contact is unanswered. I am ok with that. If an attempt of contact is met with negativity or anger, I will remove myself permanently from the situation.

 

Based on others experience, I had hoped that someone had a similar to me situation. The time they waited. The type of attempt they made. The tone of the attempt.

 

I do appreciate the tough love too,don't get me wrong!

[Nolan 93]

Most likely met someone else, I had the same type of relationship just a prefect couple no issues or nothing. Then hits me with a break since she still has feelins for the ex. It was out of the blue and bam it was over like that.

[JoeDDD]

Her finding someone else is a possibility that I understand, but I don't think it is the culprit here. As I said earlier I almost wish it was that simple.

 

She was insistent that we would continue dating and nothing but the living arrangement would change. Now she never made me feel that this was going to be the case and I expressed that. I feel that she was smokescreening to keep me passive until she had her new place and all of her stuff out. I am not saying I gave her an ultimatum but I had explained that I would struggle to go forward in a relationship that in effect taking a huge step backwards.

 

I think that the real struggle for me is that in a perverse way I feel like the dumper. That the suddenness and sense of rejection made my voice the only one I could hear and I was not truly listening to some of the things she was really saying. I think that is a huge part where I am struggling with the NC. I feel as if I say something that there can be a starting point. If not so be it, and I remove focus on an us that will never be and more to who I want to be.

[Nolan 93]

It makes no sense to stop living with you and still want to date. She was setting up her safe house, while still keeping you tied to a string. It makes no sense to do that, even if she had issues she could be using it as a scapegoat.

 

The whole point of having a commited relationship is what?....to be able to start a family and share a household. Somone who is in love with you would not live with you then out of no where want to separate living quarters and still be together. Hell I would be on the fence if my ex wanted to move out all of a sudden, cause it makes no sense why would you want to do that.

[Leone13]

not only did she blind side you with the decision to move out, but she had all her stuff out the door within a week? There is something unusual about this and there is certainly a reason she is not sharing. Making assumptions won't do any good, but you are completely entitled to ask for an explanation regardless.

 

And if you do not feel right removing all contact with her, then don't. There are no rules, you do what feels right. Considering the personal issues she is dealing with, I do think you need to remove your own needs from the situation here. If she is in fact struggling with such extreme issues, then she is in no position to be in a relationship, but focus all her efforts on getting herself better. If you do sincerely care for her, then you can maintain a support suystem shall she choose to accept it.

[JoeDDD]

I agree it is very bizarre. I also accept the blame that I could have done certain things differently. Again I am stuck in my head almost feeling like I dumped her or rejected what she was saying. I have also been around the block enough to know what I will and will not tolerate.

 

I feel based on the situation to at least make the attempt at contact. If she replies, and there is dialogue, I am open to at least listening and offering some help if she has legitimate issues. If she spouts excuses and blame and hatred, I have no need from that and the relationship had simply run its course or she wants someone else or she just doesn't have the capacity to accept love (at least mine).

 

If I was dead set on contacting her,I would have. I have read many threads and seen many positive posts. Discussing the situation has at least a calming effect. It's also helping me weigh the different thoughts and perspectives.

[JoeDDD]

Really struggling today. I felt better this morning, but as the day wears on,just blah. I also hate the feeling that it seems as if she has gone NC on me. Truly depressing to be blindsided and then not so much as "Insert whatever words here". Such a battle between between organs-especially when my brain has made sense(as much as there is) of the reality of the situation, and yet my stupid heart won't get with the program!

Edited April 15, 2015 by JoeDDD