Nicole22 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I'm hoping somehow, someone here can help me out. I'm a 22 year old female who is dating a 24 year old male. We have been dating for almost 2 years, at the beginning of the relationship he had just been broken up with from his ex of 6 years. He immediately went online to dating sites, and somehow found me. Things were great, until about 3 months in he started questioning me. Every now and then I would hear things along the lines of "I'm not sure your the right girl for me" or "I'm not over my ex." I let this go on for about 10 more months until I said I'm done, we took a 2 month break. He came back completely changed, 100 percent different guy. No questions, and very full of "I promise this, I promise that." We've been back together now for about 5 months. However, I'm starting to be unsure of him because I feel like he can't actually commit to me. He doesn't talk to other girls, he doesn't go out much (without me) but I've been causing arguments and picking fights basically on purpose. I want commitment proven to me by opening a savings account together. He said he will, but he doesn't know when. He said "When we are stable." However, I feel like even after were "stable" I will still hear from him, "I'm not ready." I also ask if he will propose in less than 3 years.. first I was told yes, then no, then maybe, then "When were stable and blah blah blah." I again, feel like this is just to shut me up. Basically, I'm not even sure he is sure about me. Like a future with me. Can anyone give me any advice? Am I being stupid? Honestly, I don't want to lose him, but I want him to be positive about me. And I want commitment. Can you offer any advice?
MissBee Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) Trust your gut. You started out as a rebound and he told you as much. It managed to last this long, but you're obviously feeling like he's not all in. Forcing him to open a savings account with you is silly IMO. Unless you're married (or at least engaged )to him I don't think you should do that and it doesn't prove anything. People join their monies and end up in all kinds of drama all the time when things end. If he is not sure about you and if you feel he isn't, forcing him to do this will only make things worse, not better. The real commitment has to come before artificial signs of commitment like opening an account, so don't make the mistake of substituting one for the other and thinking one means the other. You don't want to lose him, I get it, but everyone deserves to be with someone head over heels and SURE about them. I couldn't imagine being with a man much less wanting marriage from him if it seems like it's all my idea and I'm coaxing him and I've broken up with him because he told me I wasn't right for him. Sometimes people panic after a break up and come back promising all sorts of stuff even if they aren't right for each other, then eventually it's back to square one. It's better to "lose him" and end things if he is unsure and you're unsure of his feelings than force a commitment and force him to join his money with yours and then you guys break up anyway or worse get married because of force and divorce. In the future as well, don't be quick to jump into a relationship with a man who is newly broken up and if he says you aren't right and he isn't over his ex...RUN...don't sit around being second best band-aid for years hoping he'll eventually love you. He may eventually...or he may just become used to you but that's not what you want. You want someone over their ex who is choosing you because they are crazy over you, not cause they can't have their ex and want to feel better. Edited April 14, 2015 by MissBee
Quiet Storm Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 He's right, your relationship isn't stable. You admit that you are picking fights and starting arguments, which is very immature (and supports his opinion that you two aren't stable yet). You are 22 and there is no reason for this urgency. I married very young, but the difference was that we both wanted the same things. We both were 100% sure we wanted to be together forever, and that's why it worked. If you push him to commit before he's ready, he'll end up resenting you. I think you like the idea of commitment and having an adult relationship, especially since it seems like you think a joint bank account is a measure of his commitment. (Please don't do that until you're married- not smart). A committed relationship must be built from a strong foundation. It requires trust, communication and both people being on the same page. Are you sure you really love him as a person? Does he have the character, personality, temperament of someone you want a future with? Do you feel loved, supported and understood? Do you accept each other, compromise and communicate effectively? Do have shared goals and compatible future plans? I'm asking all this to make sure you really want this particular guy, and not just the "committed relationship".
BlauFrau Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 If he isn't totally 100% into you, you deserve better. You deserve someone who thinks you are the cat's pajamas and that you hung the moon.
Donate Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 If he isn't totally 100% into you, you deserve better. You deserve someone who thinks you are the cat's pajamas and that you hung the moon. Why better? Just because someone does not want to commit does not make them a bad person. Everyone has the right to be single as long as they choose.
Lurkeraspect Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Why better? Just because someone does not want to commit does not make them a bad person. Everyone has the right to be single as long as they choose. Of course she deserves better. He most certainly has the right to be single as long as he chooses and she most certainly has the right to dump him and find someone who is willing to give her what she desires.
quattrob Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I think in your situation, you are just overthinking and expecting too much too early. It's great you have a good desire but I think in this case there isn't any real big reason to get all worked up about. I don't know why woman in general do this but they want to "test" and get others' to "prove" to them what they say is true. I think you should probably take it alittle easier and try not to be demanding as you are. We are men/guys after all.. no guy or men likes to be put into that position. Men lead and the way you're doing it is alittle too demanding. I'd say just take it alittle easier and just have some light hearted chat about your concerns and see what he says. If he responds with something positive then just let it be, don't push the issue. You have to remember this guy got out of a 6 year relationship, so he needs time, if you love/cared about him then you should try to support him by giving him and yourself time. He will eventually leave you if you keep demanding and pushing him, that's for certain. 1
No Limit Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 He's just co-dependant and doesn't want to be alone. Even after his ex left he immediately went to OLD sites to get a new GF as soon as possible. This has no future. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Your relationship started as a rebound relationship. I'd let him go and for now and let him grieve for his ex once and for all on his own. Two weeks away from you was not enough to do that. He just realized he missed you and it distracted him from her for a while. The longer you stay with him and pressure him for more commitment the further you will drive him away. He will respect you for setting your boundaries. Once he has moved on from her, you can probably try again.
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