newlywedder Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 ..whenever I make love with my husband. It is a guy I always had a crush on that is now married. That guy wants nothing to do with me and I have not contacted him since before getting married to my husband. Why can't I stop thinking of this guy that does not give a crap about me? My husband is even more attractive than he is. I just don't get it.
JFReyes Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Maybe because you can't have him? This happens to many people -- myself included sometimes -- but the important thing is to keep it in perspective rather than obsess over it.
Author newlywedder Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Maybe because you can't have him? This happens to many people -- myself included sometimes -- but the important thing is to keep it in perspective rather than obsess over it. Yeah you are so right. I will fantasize about this guy who doesn't even care if I died. I was really infatuated with him and once told him that I was going to end myself if I couldn't have him..so he ignored me. I don't get why I can't stop thinking of this him. I will find myself thinking of him at least once a day. My husband does not deserve this but I can't stop. There must be something I can do to quit.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I will find myself thinking of him at least once a day...There must be something I can do to quit. Have you considered that this may not be about him specifically but more about what he might represent ??? Mr. Lucky 2
dichotomy Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 While probably not a constant thing - you might be surprised that your husband may (may) occasionally picture another woman when he is with you....or even two different people doing it (neither you nor him), or maybe even he is someone else. that's human nature.... But if your constantly doing this (thinking all the time of other man) - you may need some individual therapy. 2
whichwayisup Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Yeah you are so right. I will fantasize about this guy who doesn't even care if I died. I was really infatuated with him and once told him that I was going to end myself if I couldn't have him..so he ignored me. I don't get why I can't stop thinking of this him. I will find myself thinking of him at least once a day. My husband does not deserve this but I can't stop. There must be something I can do to quit. You can stop, you just don't want to. You can be pro active and seek counseling, you can distract your thoughts, make yourself STOP thinking of this other guy while making love to your husband. you've allowed it to become a habit and an addiction, something to rely on to get you hot while with your H. It's a fantasy and one that is damaging to you. You're putting all this energy into someone who wants NOTHING to do with you, yet you have a willing husband right in front of you.... 1
Morro72 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 This is as normal as breathing. You may be mystified now but eventually you'll understand that pretty much everyone does this sort of thing. And maybe in a few years you'll have a daughter, and maybe she'll get married to someone she loves as much as you love your husband. Everything will seem fine, but one day she'll pull you aside and tell you, in a worried tone of voice, that while she seems happy, whenever she makes love with her husband she thinks of an old boyfriend. She feels terrible about it but she just can't these images out of her mind. And you will be able to tell her exactly what to do: love her husband, live her life, and don't be surprised when the images are replaced by other, equally mystifying images - of movie stars, basketball players, construction workers, guys on the loading dock, and all those other weird things that flash through your head for reasons that you will never understand. 1
goodyblue Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 This is as normal as breathing. You may be mystified now but eventually you'll understand that pretty much everyone does this sort of thing. And maybe in a few years you'll have a daughter, and maybe she'll get married to someone she loves as much as you love your husband. Everything will seem fine, but one day she'll pull you aside and tell you, in a worried tone of voice, that while she seems happy, whenever she makes love with her husband she thinks of an old boyfriend. She feels terrible about it but she just can't these images out of her mind. And you will be able to tell her exactly what to do: love her husband, live her life, and don't be surprised when the images are replaced by other, equally mystifying images - of movie stars, basketball players, construction workers, guys on the loading dock, and all those other weird things that flash through your head for reasons that you will never understand. Sorry, I don't buy it. Maybe I don't have much imagination but I don't think about anyone else except my partner. I am very present and in the moment. Once in a while is one thing I guess, but every time? Lame. 2
Author newlywedder Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 You can stop, you just don't want to. You can be pro active and seek counseling, you can distract your thoughts, make yourself STOP thinking of this other guy while making love to your husband. you've allowed it to become a habit and an addiction, something to rely on to get you hot while with your H. It's a fantasy and one that is damaging to you. You're putting all this energy into someone who wants NOTHING to do with you, yet you have a willing husband right in front of you.... I would be embarassed to get counseling for it. I never want my husband to find out what I'm doing. It would really upset him I'm sure. I would never actually cheat on him with this man but fantasizing is very addicting. I drove by his apartments on the highway since it is on the way home from my doctors' office the other day. I got this rush of excitement for some reason.
Author newlywedder Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Have you considered that this may not be about him specifically but more about what he might represent ??? Mr. Lucky It is probably this. He represents a more exciting sex life. I first met him online and he told me that he is into bondage and "pup play". I thought it was nasty at first but as I gave it an open mind I was intrigued. We never were intimate and had only been on one date outing. He told me later that he felt no chemistry and no longer wanted to pursue any relationship. I just can't believe that now he is married to a woman that is 300 lbs+ and very ugly in the face from looking at photos of them on facebook. I have an average figure now but was at a healthy weight when I first met him. Perhaps he is more attracted to a heavier body weight or to women that have low self esteem so he can treat them like a dog during "pup play". After thinking of this, I feel sorry for his wife in a way.
Hawaii51 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Have you considered that this may not be about him specifically but more about what he might represent ??? Mr. Lucky Some men stir women on levels they never knew they had, nor will any other man find again.
Clay Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 The guy is with his wife because he wanted her not you. If your thinking of this guy every time you have sex with your husband then it doesn't really sound like your all that inlove with your husband. Have you considered moving on to find someone your more attracted to ? Clay
pteromom Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 You CAN change this. First of all, don't drive by where he is. That's a CHOICE, and you can choose differently. Secondly, when you are with your husband and start imagining this guy, try to change him into someone else. If you can't think of your husband, make it a celebrity - someone you have ZERO chance of being with in real life. When you think of this guy in situations outside sex, force the thoughts to turn negative. Like if you imagine running into him at a store and he grabs you and kisses you, imagine that he has absolutely rotten horrible breath. His kiss tastes like garlic and rotten teeth. Imagine that you start making out and he can't get it up. Or anything else that turns you off or grosses you out. You CAN change this. You also have to realize that Mr. Lucky is right - it isn't about this guy. It's about what he represents. An exciting sex life; the one who got away; all the desires you have that aren't being realized, in sex and beyond. If he was your husband, he would be doing everything that would make you happy. But in reality, that is not true. He'd just have DIFFERENT irritating habits than your husband has. Because everyone has them. The last thing is to work on reconnecting with your husband. Go on a date. Talk about your sexual fantasies. Try to see him as the guy you agreed to marry. Try to push your relationship to the next level, so that there is no need to fantasize about some guy from the past.
Morro72 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 There's a big difference between on occasional fantasy image in your head and the Facebook stalking/apartment drive-by real-world actions.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 It is probably this. He represents a more exciting sex life. There you go. For lack of a better way to put it, our brains are often smarter than we are. Why not use this as a wake-up call to inject some excitement into your marriage? Mr. Lucky
Author newlywedder Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 Update! I have stopped thinking of the other guy. I realized that he isn't worth my time thinking about and it is cruel to my husband. He doesn't deserve for me to do this.
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