embeu Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Hi. I think (or at least hope) that I am reaching the end of me mourning the loss of my ex gf. There is one little thing i am trying to get erase from my mind, and that is the hope of her contacting me (not because i want her back). The short story: Met ex-gf in march 2014. Everything clicked and we got together. In aug she moved to another country for school and we were both eager to make the ldr work. First month went fine and we skyped every day. Problems startet late october when she got more and more distant and didnt skype and text me as often as she used to. She came home late november and told me she was unsure of her feelings, but that she wanted to try. I was devestated, tried to talk with her about things but got nowhere. She doesnt like to talk about her feelings, never has. She just told me those few words and nothing more on the subject. She dumped me over text about a week after. The shock of getting dumped so fast was hard to take. We didnt talk about any of the problems and I feel as if she didnt even want to try. I sent her a facebook message asking her to talk with me about what happened and where it went wrong, got no respons. I went NC. I have broken NC 3 times after this, all of them with sending her an email telling her how i am feeling and asking if she could please explain things to me. I did not get any answers. The latest email was in february and i hoped that enough time would have passed for her to have a better understanding of things and finally have enough courage to let me have my desired answers. Right now i do not want to get back together with her. I still care for her (doubt that i would call it love) but i dont think i could ever forgive her the pain she caused me by not responding when I asked her to explain things. How someone who once loved you and cared for you can be so heartless. I will never understand. I still think about her often. Not in the way I used to, but when I am alone I find myself thinking about the break up and if she ever feels she treated me badly. I often wonder if she will ever "grow up" and reflect on how cold she treated me during the break up and apologize. In your experience, is this something dumpers do? I have to add that this was her first relationship and she has never liked to talk about her deep feelings. This is also why I wanted her to write me an email if she felt like she couldnt handle explaining things over skype or phone. Getting over someone is just so much harder when there are no obvious turning point or curve, its just BAM in your face. She is 22 and I am 29.
hunk Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 All you can do is try and envision the likelihood of never hearing from her again. Really think about that and consider that could be the case. So, if that is the case, where and how are you going to get closure? From yourself. You'll get all the closure you need from yourself. Why would you want this immature child contacting you? She dumped you via text and then vanished. You should pity her. Your closure should be the realization she is an immature kid, while you are a grown man and that it never would have worked, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. You shouldn't need to hear from her - in fact you should not want to hear from her whatsoever. She showed you her respect for you in the way she dumped you and her actions or lack thereof following. If you hear from her it will be either - there was/is someone else - she just lost feelings for you for reasons she will never be able to explain or even understand herself Will either of those explanations really make you feel better?
Author embeu Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) Thank you for you post Hunk. Its really hard to point to exactly what it is that I want from her. I dont want an explanation now, its too late for that. But her saying sorry for the way she treated me, or for her to realise she treated me badly would be great. Just knowing that she knows she behaved very immature and cold. That way I at least didnt have to feel so out of power. But thats probably not going to happen Its hard to know that my judge of character could be so wrong. She is the last person on earth I could imagine being so harsh to another human being. Edited April 14, 2015 by embeu
NC-Thomas Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) I think you should just leave her alone and save your dignity. It is obvious she doesn't want you in her life anymore. Don't send any more emails. With regard to her age, she is only 22. I strongly believe that people under 25 have not fully matured and are ever changing and growing. My experience with younger girls i've been with (im 27) is that they still need to make a few life decisions, ones which I have already made. Also younger females are often unsure of what they want, who they are and what partner matches with them. You see the GIGS a lot more with them too... Also the whole BAM, in your face breakup is normal. Dumpers checked out emotionally long before they breakup, so you got the news a bit later. That's why it seems so harsh, but it isn't, they just stopping caring a while ago (in RS). Deleted her from FB, if you haven't already and focus on you. Keep NC. You will be happy once again, trust me! Edited April 14, 2015 by NC-Thomas
Fleur de cactus Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Please dont continue contacting her, her silence is msg that she not interested i you.she has her reasons , I dont see how it helps you to know them. Buy keeping contacting her she will think that you are those people what are notable to see reality. She does not want you, accept it and move on.
elaine567 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 She dumped you finally, after her interest dropped off, she didn't treat you badly, she has no need to apologise. She treated you coldly and abruptly because I guess it hurt her to do it, BUT it still needed done. She couldn't give you crumbs because you would have translated that into hope and hope was the last thing she wanted to give you. Ripping off the plaster is actually lot kinder. Being 22 and in a LDR, it is not good. She needed to be out there having fun with a bf and her new found friends, not spend her days skyping and texting someone from her past. She needed a bf she could do fun things with, who she could cuddle, have sex with and get drunk with, not just an image on a screen. I guess that had something to do with the break. YOU have spent too long already obsessing over this, people date to find the people they are compatible with. She did the adult thing here, it wasn't working, so she broke it up, that is what people do, they do not need to say why or apologise for their feelings. Have you considered, that finding out why she really broke up with you may NOT be what you want to hear, perhaps you are lucky she said nothing. You say she needs to grow up, but you are the one stuck, you are the one demanding answers by email to stuff that should be dead and buried. You actually need to grow up, face reality and get on with the rest of your life.
NC-Thomas Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Please dont continue contacting her, her silence is msg that she not interested i you.she has her reasons , I dont see how it helps you to know them. Buy keeping contacting her she will think that you are those people what are notable to see reality. She does not want you, accept it and move on. Goed advies ----- Also try to release those feelings of hate and resentment towards her. It will only consume you in time. And should you have them anyway: use these feelings of anger and grief to empower yourself in doing new activities, like meeting new people, joining classes. Remember: you were happy once, and you shall be again.
Author embeu Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 She dumped you finally, after her interest dropped off, she didn't treat you badly, she has no need to apologise. She treated you coldly and abruptly because I guess it hurt her to do it, BUT it still needed done. She couldn't give you crumbs because you would have translated that into hope and hope was the last thing she wanted to give you. Ripping off the plaster is actually lot kinder. Being 22 and in a LDR, it is not good. She needed to be out there having fun with a bf and her new found friends, not spend her days skyping and texting someone from her past. She needed a bf she could do fun things with, who she could cuddle, have sex with and get drunk with, not just an image on a screen. I guess that had something to do with the break. YOU have spent too long already obsessing over this, people date to find the people they are compatible with. She did the adult thing here, it wasn't working, so she broke it up, that is what people do, they do not need to say why or apologise for their feelings. Have you considered, that finding out why she really broke up with you may NOT be what you want to hear, perhaps you are lucky she said nothing. You say she needs to grow up, but you are the one stuck, you are the one demanding answers by email to stuff that should be dead and buried. You actually need to grow up, face reality and get on with the rest of your life. This hit me right in the stomach. It is not crumbs that i seek, and its not her i am having problems getting over. Its the way she treated me that still hurts me to this day, and I feel extremely low because of it. I would think i made that somewhat clear in my first posts? I NEVER asked her to reconsider anything and i was not looking for hope. I would never be with someone who lost feelings. What i wanted (and the reason I am struggeling) is because I felt like i was completely shut out in the cold. I think that is a horrible thing to do to someone you care for. You seem to think the reasons of the breakup is why I am posting here. I struggled with those as well, but I have gotten over that. I am grateful you took your time to respond but reading what you think she is doing or who she is having sex with is not what i am looking for. I need help to try and understand why someone would be so cold to their partner during a breakup when the dumped person has been nothing but nice and caring the whole time. I feel like I have given very much of myself (both emotionally and financially) to keep her happy, and to understand why she would not even give me 10 minutes of her time when breaking up with me is hard to grasp. I dont want those 10 minutes now. I am struggel and wonder the reasons why i never got them.
NC-Thomas Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) This might sound harsh, but you need to release yourself from self-pity and suffering attitude that is holding you back. You need to understand that she broke up with you, even long before she even told you: reason for her being cold. Not a 1000 reasons from her will do you any good. You are on a path of delusion and need to wake up. Closure comes from within. Read: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/Closure Edited April 14, 2015 by NC-Thomas
Author embeu Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 This might sound harsh, but you need to release yourself from self-pity and suffering attitude that is holding you back. You need to understand that she broke up with you, even long before she even told you: reason for her being cold. Not a 1000 reasons from her will do you any good. You are on a path of delusion and need to wake up. Closure comes from within. Read: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/Closure Very good article. I think part of my suffering is because I am hating myself for feeling this way. It seems I cant force myself to not feel sorry for myself, because i really do feel i got far less than what i deserved. I hate my bitter feelings. Never before have I felt this way about another woman, before i just would not give a sh*t. The worst part is I do not want her back, I dont even want to hear her say sorry. I know I would not believe her. I wish i never met her.
Jimmyjackson Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Very good article. I think part of my suffering is because I am hating myself for feeling this way. It seems I cant force myself to not feel sorry for myself, because i really do feel i got far less than what i deserved. I hate my bitter feelings. Never before have I felt this way about another woman, before i just would not give a sh*t. The worst part is I do not want her back, I dont even want to hear her say sorry. I know I would not believe her. I wish i never met her. I'm sort of in the same boat as you to be honest, logically I know she's not worth it and I know I need to move on but I just can't seem to let go of what has happened, can't get it off my mind. I don't want her back either as I know I could never trust her again, guess I'd just love to see her on her knees begging for forgiveness, then I'd just shut my front door on her.
NC-Thomas Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I'm sort of in the same boat as you to be honest, logically I know she's not worth it and I know I need to move on but I just can't seem to let go of what has happened, can't get it off my mind. I don't want her back either as I know I could never trust her again, guess I'd just love to see her on her knees begging for forgiveness, then I'd just shut my front door on her. I must say I felt great after I ignored her first massive breadcrumb. @ OP: Welcome to the world of dumpees. We all lost some amount of dignity, we feel abused, we are scarred, but became somewhat wiser in effect. But we get through it in the end. If I could turn it all back, I wouldn't do it. I've learned so much from this break-up that I will use in my future life. Break-ups are inevitable, it's a part of life. Accept it as it is and grow, move on. Make that active choice to stop suffering embeu. You are holding yourself back somewhat.
Author embeu Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 I'm sort of in the same boat as you to be honest, logically I know she's not worth it and I know I need to move on but I just can't seem to let go of what has happened, can't get it off my mind. I don't want her back either as I know I could never trust her again, guess I'd just love to see her on her knees begging for forgiveness, then I'd just shut my front door on her. Well said, we are in the same boat. Letting go of her and the relationship is easier than letting go of the pain they caused when breaking up. Feeling completely left out of their lives with a textmessage is a pain i would not want on anyone else, and it is something i am afraid i will have to struggle with for a long long time.
elaine567 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I'm sort of in the same boat as you to be honest, logically I know she's not worth it and I know I need to move on but I just can't seem to let go of what has happened, can't get it off my mind. I don't want her back either as I know I could never trust her again, guess I'd just love to see her on her knees begging for forgiveness, then I'd just shut my front door on her. OK you just want her to suffer, but why? Let it go, it is the way life is, people come and people go. I guess by now, she probably doesn't even care what you think. She dumped you for a reason, that reason being most likely she did not see the relationship going any further and so she actually did you a favour. She could have stuck around until she actually hated you, some people do because they are too frightened to leave and be by themselves or to go and seek others more compatible. The best you can do is go find happiness elsewhere and stop the negativity, stop the bitterness and stop thinking up stupid revenge scenarios that are not going to happen. This is the road to misery and depression, choose life and happiness instead. 1
Recommended Posts