Faded264 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Should you do NC in all situations? I guess the backstory doesn't really matter. They're all the same, aren't they? We weren't technically ever in a relationship, just dated and had sex exclusively for months. I care about him tremendously, and want a relationship, however he broke up with his fiancé of 7 years last year, and does not feel ready for anything serious at this time. He says he wants to be friends. I know I'm probably not completely ready to be his friend. We talked everything out, and I know this has nothing to do with me, that there's nothing I did wrong or could do to fix this. And I can talk to him without rehashing everything, or feeling the need to talk about "us". But I also can't imagine talking to him about his dates with other women. I get along with him better than any guy I've ever dated, we have the same values and want the same things out of life, his parents absolutely love me, and while I don't want to have unrealistic hope for the future, I know it's not impossible to think it would never happen. However, I also know it would not work as it is now. He needs to get out and do what he feels he needs to do, which is to date, explore, and find himself again. I know he also needs to miss me and appreciate me. I do not feel ready to date anyone seriously right now, as I am kind of emotional about all of this. I know that if I'm not ready to date anyone else, then I also wouldn't be ready to date him, even should he come back right now. I need to get back into a place where I am my top priority and where I am at my happiest before getting into a relationship. We text occasionally. Mostly I let him text me and set the pace. Just little things, like have a good day or I went on a trip and he told me to be safe and have fun. Nothing of importance, but it does show me he does still care. We did hang out last Friday, got dinner and saw a movie and had a lot of fun. It did bring up some feelings, but I was able to move past it. Should I stop all contact? If so, should I tell him I'm stopping all contact, or just stop answering. I don't want to be dramatic and send him a text telling him I'm no longer responding, as that seems strange to me, but I also don't want to completely leave him in the dark. Thanks in advance.
medzeer Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 He says he wants to be friends. I know I'm probably not completely ready to be his friend. That is your answer. NC is for you, to heal, if you have feelings for him and can't imagine being friends with him. DO IT. 2
PegNosePete Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Well, sounds like you've already told him that you have feelings and want a relationship but he doesn't feel the same. In that case I would tell him that you don't think you can be friends for now because you have feelings and you need some time to yourself to get over them. Then NC.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 You're only going to hurt yourself further if you are still hanging out as just friends. I'd tell him though, there's no reason to go NC suddenly. I'm sure he'll understand, and the break would do you both good. Good luck, this is a sh*tty situation to be in.
hunk Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 If you can't handle being friends, which obviously no one blames you for, then yes NC is a must. Since you're both on good terms, I wouldn't just disappear. I would probably fade on him, just answer less and less texts until he sort of gets the message. He's essentially leading you on by remaining in contact when he's aware you want a relationship. No matter how you try and justify it to yourself that you can't just vanish on him because it's not the "nice" thing to do, you have to realize you two will never be friends. You want a relationship and he currently doesn't. This isn't gonna change if you hang around as a platonic friend. It's torturing yourself essentially. I would either 1. Fade out on him - if he asks why you've stopped talking to him you just tell him straight up you both want different things and it's best if you go your own ways 2. Pro-actively tell him this, message him and say you don't really want to keep doing this and you think it's best if you cut if off. Then go complete NC. There's potentially some sort of hope in the distant future but it's only going to come around if you give him immense space and time and an indefinite absence of your presence in his life. By then you might not even want him anymore. You will just hurt yourself further if you stay in this situation. He doesn't want a relationship with you now or in the foreseeable future, so you need to put your own interests and wellbeing first and drop this completely. It makes absolutely zero sense for you to hang around.
hunk Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Also as Ziggy said, you should obviously be friendly about the whole thing seeing as though you guys are on good terms. Be friendly but very clear.
Author Faded264 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) Thanks everyone. I certainly will be nice about it, as I don't want to leave it on bad terms. No reason to, since he's been an extraordinary friend/date this past year. Is this good? I'm just going to message him and say "hey -----. I think I'm going to take some time to myself. I wish you all the best." Thoughts? Edited April 14, 2015 by Faded264
Author Faded264 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 So, I replied how I said I would, tried to keep it short and sweet, he asked if he did anything wrong, I said no and that I appreciate his friendship over this past year. Then he asked for an explanation, stated he considered me a friend and thought I considered him one too, but the way I was talking was like I was cutting him off for forever. I explained that I 100% considered him a friend, but that it's hard me to imagine only being his friend, and i needed space to figure it out. He said he understood and for me to keep in touch when I'm ready, as he wants me in his life. So here I am, feeling like I've weakened my position. I wanted to keep it short and sweet but he asked for an explanation and I didn't want to keep him hanging. I don't want him to feel like I'm okay with being friends forever. As good as a friend as he's been, and as much as I would like to be his friend, I'm not sure I ever could just be friends. I would like to get to that place, but I feel like I've justified for him to keep me in the friend zone forever. I don't know, I'm very confused right now.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 So, I replied how I said I would, tried to keep it short and sweet, he asked if he did anything wrong, I said no and that I appreciate his friendship over this past year. Then he asked for an explanation, stated he considered me a friend and thought I considered him one too, but the way I was talking was like I was cutting him off for forever. I explained that I 100% considered him a friend, but that it's hard me to imagine only being his friend, and i needed space to figure it out. He said he understood and for me to keep in touch when I'm ready, as he wants me in his life. So here I am, feeling like I've weakened my position. I wanted to keep it short and sweet but he asked for an explanation and I didn't want to keep him hanging. I don't want him to feel like I'm okay with being friends forever. As good as a friend as he's been, and as much as I would like to be his friend, I'm not sure I ever could just be friends. I would like to get to that place, but I feel like I've justified for him to keep me in the friend zone forever. I don't know, I'm very confused right now. Confused about what? You stated your position, now go No Contact. What else could there possibly be to discuss?
Duplantier Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 This is almost the exact same situation as me. I had to sign up just to reply to this thread! For 4 months we had a good time together. She stayed at my house many times. We had loads of sex. And we talked through texting and phone atleast 2 times a day. Then I told her that I wanted more. She backed off. She was unsure of her feelings. I went 3 weeks feeling like totally **** (3 hours of sleep, crying, could not eat). I tried to calm down but I knew deep inside that there was nothing more to give. I kept her as a friend for those 3 weeks but I just had to cut her off because otherwise I would have gone crazy. The last thing I said was that she could call me if she changed her mind and that I couldn´t be friends with her. You have to do the same. Go no contact. He does not want you. Delete everything! I am currently on week 3 of no contact. And I feel so much better. Trust me on this! Those three weeks with contact (knowing she didn´t want more) have been the worst weeks in my life. Either he will come back or not. But focus on yourself.
Author Faded264 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 This is almost the exact same situation as me. I had to sign up just to reply to this thread! For 4 months we had a good time together. She stayed at my house many times. We had loads of sex. And we talked through texting and phone atleast 2 times a day. Then I told her that I wanted more. She backed off. She was unsure of her feelings. I went 3 weeks feeling like totally **** (3 hours of sleep, crying, could not eat). I tried to calm down but I knew deep inside that there was nothing more to give. I kept her as a friend for those 3 weeks but I just had to cut her off because otherwise I would have gone crazy. The last thing I said was that she could call me if she changed her mind and that I couldn´t be friends with her. You have to do the same. Go no contact. He does not want you. Delete everything! I am currently on week 3 of no contact. And I feel so much better. Trust me on this! Those three weeks with contact (knowing she didn´t want more) have been the worst weeks in my life. Either he will come back or not. But focus on yourself. Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. I realize that it's out of my hands. That nothing I do or say could change his mind, that it has to come from him. And in a way it's a relief to know that there's nothing else I could do, that I gave it my all and now it's in his court. And in a way I feel powerless. I appreciate everyone's advice.
Duplantier Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. I realize that it's out of my hands. That nothing I do or say could change his mind, that it has to come from him. And in a way it's a relief to know that there's nothing else I could do, that I gave it my all and now it's in his court. And in a way I feel powerless. I appreciate everyone's advice. There is nothing we could do. We have given everything and have to move forward - with or without them
ZiggyZoo Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 So, I replied how I said I would, tried to keep it short and sweet, he asked if he did anything wrong, I said no and that I appreciate his friendship over this past year. Then he asked for an explanation, stated he considered me a friend and thought I considered him one too, but the way I was talking was like I was cutting him off for forever. I explained that I 100% considered him a friend, but that it's hard me to imagine only being his friend, and i needed space to figure it out. He said he understood and for me to keep in touch when I'm ready, as he wants me in his life. So here I am, feeling like I've weakened my position. I wanted to keep it short and sweet but he asked for an explanation and I didn't want to keep him hanging. I don't want him to feel like I'm okay with being friends forever. As good as a friend as he's been, and as much as I would like to be his friend, I'm not sure I ever could just be friends. I would like to get to that place, but I feel like I've justified for him to keep me in the friend zone forever. I don't know, I'm very confused right now. You did great. Who cares about weakened positions, anyway? What does that even mean? You didn't want to leave without an explanation, so you explained. I think it was perfect, you were truthful and didn't beg or sound self-pitying or anything.
Author Faded264 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 You did great. Who cares about weakened positions, anyway? What does that even mean? You didn't want to leave without an explanation, so you explained. I think it was perfect, you were truthful and didn't beg or sound self-pitying or anything. Thanks. I did text him a bit after that to tell him I had something for him from my vacation, and that I would mail it. I figured it was better to do it today than to wait a few days and break NC then. He said not to mail it and he'll get it the next time he sees me. Ah well. I guess my biggest fear is that in my absence, he'll meet someone. But I guess then it wasn't meant to be. We did this for almost 9 months, and I know I deserve more. NC here I come.
hunk Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Him telling you he just wants to be friends is no different to him having already found someone else. 9 months is too long to be left in limbo like this. I did this to a girl for close to 2 years. Yep. And she ended up completely destroyed. Don't allow yourself to fall into that. There's nothing but heartache for you in this, so NC has to be your plan.
mightycpa Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Should you do NC in all situations? I guess the backstory doesn't really matter. If you are having difficulty accepting the relationship terms as they currently exist AND your aim is to get over him, then YES. The WHY's do not matter. I know this has nothing to do with methat there's nothing I did wrongor could do to fix this. While I think you're right on #2 and #3, on #1, I think you're kidding yourself. This is totally about you, inasmuch as if he was really into you, it wouldn't matter how long he'd been with that fiance, or how recent it was. It's you, not in a bad way, but this is not likely to change with time, and if he does find somebody else he really likes, your head will spin when you see how quickly he changes his mind about it. So, this really is about you. Should I stop all contact? If so, should I tell him I'm stopping all contact, or just stop answering. See my first answer. Yes, you tell him. You tell him you want more than he's willing to give, and you aren't going to try to convince him to like you that way, and that you need space and time and no contact. You don't have to be all weird and dramatic. Just forthright.
Author Faded264 Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 So I went NC. I'm only on day 2, so I know I have a long way to go. How do you deal with that tiny shred of hope that they'll come back? I know it's not healthy to think that way, and whenever I have that thought I try to just move past it. But it's always there, in the back of my mind. I know if any reconciliation did happen it would have to come from him. But I don't intend on waiting around for him to make that happen. So how do I move past those thoughts? I'm trying to get out and live my life. I joined a kickball league and signed up for a softball league. I don't have a ton of friends, but I do try to hang out with the ones I have and appreciate them, and I'm trying to make new ones (although this is a lot harder as an adult than it was when I was younger). The hardest time is in the morning for me. It's when we used to talk the most, and it's when I find myself missing him the most. My biggest fear is, strangely enough, that he will contact me. We tried to stay friends after everything ended, and "check in" once a week. Eventually I told him I thought he was being selfish, and that I couldn't handle the once a week check ins. He said he understood, and he hoped we could be friends one day. I'm honestly afraid that he will contact me, because I know it probably won't be what I want. I fully intend to ignore it, if so. I can't just be his friend. I deleted his number from my phone, and he doesn't have social media so that was never an issue. Does anyone have any advice for me? What helped you in the early days of NC?
moonflower Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Hi, I can understand how you feel, it all feels like a nightmare and especially when those hours of the day comes -like mornings in your case- you search for any tiny possibility that can contact you to him. Your emotions will not lose their insensity in the early days however you can learn to acknowledge them and live with them. The best you can do is engaging in activities that make you move, requires your energy. In the early days of my NC, I swam a lot until I felt sore. When his thoughts rush in your mind, tell yourself that you will not let yourself be driven into these thoughts, until you really manage to do this. Because what makes the process hard is quitting our habits, but you can eventually gain a new habits such as sending away these thoughts until you realize that you are not thinking about him all the time. Love yourself because you are the only one that can make you happy again. I wish you all the best.
Sanosuke Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Whatever you do, don't react should he reach out. But it's good that on day 2 you already intend to ignore it. I don't think there are any tricks to be honest, except for the ones you're already applying (keeping busy, going out with friends..). In the first days of NC I was constantly trying to convince myself that I didn't want my ex back, but I know I would've probably taken her back.. But you will feel better after a while of NC, these things take time.. At this moment I absolutely don't want my ex back anymore, and it's like 1 month and a week now post BU. I still think about her ofcourse, but I know that I (and you also!) deserve someone in life who wants to be with us. Most difficult time is also mornings with me.. I wake up feeling ****ty sometimes, but throughout the day it gets better and better. Btw, it is selfish and a real dick move that he tries to stay friends. This doesn't work if the breakup isn't 100% mutual and one of two people is still in love.. You only make the dumpee feel ****tier. He should also just leave you alone to allow yourself to heal.. Good luck!
Satu Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 *Does anyone have any advice for me? *Do NC very strictly, and block him on everything, so that he can't get through to you. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.
joseb Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Honestly, it sounds like you have your head screwed on and you are doing as well as can be expected. Don't expect it to be easy, it isn't. But the more strictly you do NC (follow satu's list) the quicker you will recover. And if you follow what list, you avoid your biggest fear.
hunk Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 It gets easier. Nothing makes it easier in the early days, no matter what anyone says. You just have to feel it and let it kind of consume you until you basically get sick of feeling bad. I would block his number if you can still remember it. Knowing that there is NO way of him contacting you EVER again is a very cathartic feeling and definitely helps. I did this with my ex and it made me feel a lot better. She basically doesn't exist anymore. You essentially have to erase him from your life. In the meantime just do whatever helps you take your mind off things. I promise you'll be fine, so does everyone else here. Time will take care of everything, but you cannot be in contact with him in any form. I really, really recommend blocking his number, just for the peace of mind if nothing else.
Tone Loc Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I'm on day 9 of NC. You shouldn't really be finding it difficult. I've fled the country after blocking her on my phone, things couldn't be any better for me night now. As for you, I suggest you examine your situation closely. I trust you'll come to realise that this is for the best. Your ex did you a favour by dumping you because you don't need someone like that in your life. Be thankful that it's over, you'll see this as an opportunity rather than a hardship. It's an opportunity to crack on forward and cut out this cancer from your life. You're much better off now, you're one step closer to becoming happier.
Moley87 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Break ups are nasty and painful but I keep saying to myself takes two to make a relationship takes one to break it. There reason are down to them but when they split with you they lose the right to be close to you. NC in my opinion is extremely hard goes against everything we grave but that's human nature but we are also very strong minded and with time we will accept the truth and look back and realise NC was required Morning and nights are the worse its lone time where you would normally have your ex by your side so the brain doesn't realise the situation has changed hence the thinking of the ex but with time again the brain will learn the situation and will adapt - just takes time I miss the ex I miss the opportunity to have her next to me but I know I deep down now won't feel the same trust , I respect her but once something breaks it's generally broken for good You can repair but you will always know it was broken Example new car = heaven but once you bump it then it's just your car you can Repair it but is damaged in your eyes We enjoy the highs in life but we must also enjoy the lows it's how it works I'm afraid Just remember for every high comes a low and for every low comes a high just a matter of time . Don't forget your ex they meant something to you but remember its now about you and not them . Put a date in a calender to reach as NC when there treat yourself and make a new date before you know it your well on your way to recovery I'm personally still going through it so hope this helps x
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