Jimmyjackson Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) At the weekend I bumped into my ex for the first time in months and we talked for 5 minutes, this isn't what bothered me though. I mentioned in my other thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524032-ex-girlfriend-my-friend that my friend told me he liked her and I told him I wasn't cool with it, he said he'd back away and he didn't. They both lied to me and kissed each other. Not only does that make me feel angry, but I then found out my ex did in fact cheat on me when she was away in Africa (check previous threads). She seemed to think she had already told me she had kissed this guy when she was away, I'm pretty sure she didn't. She said he kissed her, like it makes a difference haha, still got cheated on. Anyway, I feel like i've been dumped all over again, in some ways im glad she told me about the kiss because I know for certain I wouldn't ever get back with her again now as she cheated. On the other hand I feel like crap again and it's making me feel down, I cried last night for the first time since the break up. I'm back in NC now and plan on remaining that way, I wish I hadn't gone out at the weekend, this would never have happened. I've also came to the realisation that people aren't what they seem, you can be with someone for a long time and once you're broken up they seem like a totally different person, it's scary how much it changes. I realised I've been missing my ex for the person I thought she was, not the person she actually turned out to be. The girl who I was with before she went away was amazing, the one who came back was a different person. This goes for my friend too, he lost a friend all because of a kiss, his loss. Edited April 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Toodaloo Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Its because after the break up you have your eyes wide open and you see what is actually there not what you want to be there... Don't bother with this one any more. It seriously isn't worth it.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I've also came to the realisation that people aren't what they seem, you can be with someone for a long time and once you're broken up they seem like a totally different person, it's scary how much it changes. I realised I've been missing my ex for the person I thought she was, not the person she actually turned out to be. The girl who I was with before she went away was amazing, the one who came back was a different person. This goes for my friend too, he lost a friend all because of a kiss, his loss. When my ex-husband left me, dealing with who he had become after he left vs who he was during our seven year marriage was actually one of the tougher things I had to work through for sure. It messes with you, wondering which person they really are. But you're ahead of me, it took me a while to work around to realizing that I was missing who I thought he was, not who he turned out to be. I read your other post about this situation with your friend, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how sh*tty you must be feeling about all of it. But this internet stranger is sending a big hug to you, and lots of good thoughts. 2
Author Jimmyjackson Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 When my ex-husband left me, dealing with who he had become after he left vs who he was during our seven year marriage was actually one of the tougher things I had to work through for sure. It messes with you, wondering which person they really are. But you're ahead of me, it took me a while to work around to realizing that I was missing who I thought he was, not who he turned out to be. I read your other post about this situation with your friend, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how sh*tty you must be feeling about all of it. But this internet stranger is sending a big hug to you, and lots of good thoughts. Yeah I feel that's what has really got me stressed, I have been feeling so down every since Saturday night when it all happened. I may be ahead of you yeah but you were married and together for 7 years, you're going to be finding it harder than I without a doubt. Yeah its ****, the fact he said he wouldn't do it and did anyway and my ex apparently doesn't see what the harm is and said I can kiss as many as her friends as she wishes, lol! I appreciate the support
Author Jimmyjackson Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Its because after the break up you have your eyes wide open and you see what is actually there not what you want to be there... Don't bother with this one any more. It seriously isn't worth it. I agree, just a shame it turned out this way, she had many good qualities but has spoiled it all with what has transpired. 1
Author Jimmyjackson Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) Can anyone offer any advice on how to stop hating your ex? I keep going over the stuff she has done in my mind, thinking about how her words never matched her actions and how horrible she is for doing what she did to me. It's starting to get annoying, I want to forget it but it's consuming my mind 24/7 at the moment. I thought I was over her until we bumped into each other at the weekend and now It feels like I'm at the beginning again...but this time it's worse because I now know I got cheated on. How can I let go of this anger? I just wish I could drive so I could go to a random empty field and just scream at the top of my lungs. It's been 7 months since we split, I'm sick and tired of being hung up on her. Why do I still miss and think about someone who done me over so badly? Edited April 14, 2015 by Jimmyjackson 1
Toodaloo Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Because it hurt. Can someone not drop you off some where so you can scream. I have done that a few times and its always felt good after! Punch bag? You stop hating her when you realise that all this anger and emotion is being wasted on someone who just isn't worth it. It takes a while but you get there in the end. 1
Author Jimmyjackson Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Because it hurt. Can someone not drop you off some where so you can scream. I have done that a few times and its always felt good after! Punch bag? You stop hating her when you realise that all this anger and emotion is being wasted on someone who just isn't worth it. It takes a while but you get there in the end. I'm going to the gym in 10 minutes and we have a punch bag upstairs, I may have a go of it haha. That's just it, I know she's bad, I know she's wrong and not worth any of it, but my mind still fixates on the negativity.
AIJ Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I'm going to the gym in 10 minutes and we have a punch bag upstairs, I may have a go of it haha. That's just it, I know she's bad, I know she's wrong and not worth any of it, but my mind still fixates on the negativity. I have a punch bag in my room, works wonders! Just go at the punch bag for a good 10-15 minutes and you'll feel much better 1
Toodaloo Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I'm going to the gym in 10 minutes and we have a punch bag upstairs, I may have a go of it haha. That's just it, I know she's bad, I know she's wrong and not worth any of it, but my mind still fixates on the negativity. Well what you had wasn't real. You didn't know the whole of her until she showed you that she could be an utter bitch. So for a while there you were living the dream... but dream is the word. It wasn't real. It hurts when someone does that to you. At the moment you are holding the pain. Because it makes the "fantasy" real. Let the fantasy go and let yourself heal. Its going to take time. You will have blips like this when you see her. Just remember to keep going in the right direction.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I'll bet it's especially bad right now because of the BS that happened this weekend. Try not to get discouraged, whenever I've had something happen that's caused a setback to me, it hasn't taken nearly as long to get back to where I was before. This is new information to process, so you're going to be angry until it gets worked through. I hear ya though, that it gets real old real quick. I'd also say to try not to get caught up in how you think you "should" feel. If you're pissed, be pissed! If you're sad, be sad! I've found that fighting it never works. Good luck, I hope the punching bag works.
medzeer Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Believe man, you should be happy that you are able to hate her. Me for example, eventhough i know i wasnt treated right ( and by that i mean i was treated like a trash) i still kinda love my ex. Someone told me that the moment you hate your ex, you are so much closer to actually forgeting. Idk if that is true, but it sounds logical. I guess it is easier to forget someone who you hate than someone you love
Hawaii51 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 How can I let go of this anger? I just wish I could drive so I could go to a random empty field and just scream at the top of my lungs. It's been 7 months since we split, I'm sick and tired of being hung up on her. Why do I still miss and think about someone who done me over so badly? You need to let that ***** go. -Buddha.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Rejection hurts, and she betrayed you (if I remember your story correctly). Think of it as a blessing. For me, if someone treats me poorly, it stings really bad for a little bit, but it ultimately makes it easier to get over them, as opposed to someone who was just completely wonderful. Maybe you're also mad at yourself for wasting your time with / being hung up on someone who turned out to be not great at all.
hunk Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 When my ex-ex dumped me (3 year relationship, absolutely head over heels for her) I drove to the beach while it was raining and ran up and down screaming my lungs out and then ran into the water fully clothed and swam as far as i could. True story. I sat in my car afterwards draped in a towel laughing like a lunatic and then broke down so hard, bought a pack of cigarettes (i don't smoke) and finished it in about 3 hours while bawling my eyes out. Maybe 3 weeks after she dumped me, I had to deal with seeing her getting signed to a very reputable modeling agency and sleeping with one of my best friends regularly. I had to deal with seeing them make out in front of me, i'm almost sure that was on purpose too, and pictures of her in her bra and underwear at his house. I had to deal with her purposely coming to events where she knew maybe 1 person, the rest being my friends, and watch her hook up with other guys. She literally intentionally tormented me. I don't even know what emotion i felt for that entire year but it really messed me up. So yeah. Go vent man. Channel that hate somehow, don't let it just sit inside you... 2
Author Jimmyjackson Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 When my ex-ex dumped me (3 year relationship, absolutely head over heels for her) I drove to the beach while it was raining and ran up and down screaming my lungs out and then ran into the water fully clothed and swam as far as i could. True story. I sat in my car afterwards draped in a towel laughing like a lunatic and then broke down so hard, bought a pack of cigarettes (i don't smoke) and finished it in about 3 hours while bawling my eyes out. Maybe 3 weeks after she dumped me, I had to deal with seeing her getting signed to a very reputable modeling agency and sleeping with one of my best friends regularly. I had to deal with seeing them make out in front of me, i'm almost sure that was on purpose too, and pictures of her in her bra and underwear at his house. I had to deal with her purposely coming to events where she knew maybe 1 person, the rest being my friends, and watch her hook up with other guys. She literally intentionally tormented me. I don't even know what emotion i felt for that entire year but it really messed me up. So yeah. Go vent man. Channel that hate somehow, don't let it just sit inside you... Man, I thought my situation was bad until I read that haha, I really feel for you having to see her do stuff like that, thankfully I haven't had to witness anything that extreme. I used to smoke about 4 months ago, I was really tempted the day after it all happened but I refrained and I;m glad I did. I've just been to the gym and I feel better, going out to the pub tonight with friends so trying to keep myself busy.
Author Jimmyjackson Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Rejection hurts, and she betrayed you (if I remember your story correctly). Think of it as a blessing. For me, if someone treats me poorly, it stings really bad for a little bit, but it ultimately makes it easier to get over them, as opposed to someone who was just completely wonderful. Maybe you're also mad at yourself for wasting your time with / being hung up on someone who turned out to be not great at all. That is the worst bit in my eyes, that I've been struggling to get to grips with...the fact she didn't turn out to be who I thought she was. Still a shock to the system, but maybe you're right, hating her will make it easier. My best friend told me I need to train myself to dislike her
Author Jimmyjackson Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Futhermore to this post, has anyone got any tips on how to improve your mental strength? I'm one of these who tends to dwell on stuff for a long time. I know some people can just brush it off and improve themselves, nip it in the bud instantly so to say and move on. I tend to wallow in self pity and over analyze everything.
minimariah Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 When my ex-ex dumped me (3 year relationship, absolutely head over heels for her) I drove to the beach while it was raining and ran up and down screaming my lungs out and then ran into the water fully clothed and swam as far as i could. True story. I sat in my car afterwards draped in a towel laughing like a lunatic and then broke down so hard, bought a pack of cigarettes (i don't smoke) and finished it in about 3 hours while bawling my eyes out. i did this, too! like the EXACT same thing! (minus the cigs). i recommend it. super highly therapeutic. then i went on and sign up for some kickboxing classes. i recommend that, too. breaking down is sometimes necessary in order to get yourself back up.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Futhermore to this post, has anyone got any tips on how to improve your mental strength? I'm one of these who tends to dwell on stuff for a long time. I know some people can just brush it off and improve themselves, nip it in the bud instantly so to say and move on. I tend to wallow in self pity and over analyze everything. Keep doing stuff for you and focus on yourself. Do the usual stuff, like eat well and exercise, but also do something special just for you. Plan something to look forward to, like a backpacking trip or a class (something fun) that will help improve your self-esteem and get your mind back to who you are. I once went on a solo backpacking trip after a breakup, and I came back super confident and grateful for everything in my life. I was so busy having adventures, meeting new people and getting out of my comfort zone that I didn't have much time to think about my ex. This time around I think I'm going to take an art class and I've already booked a smaller trip next month. 3
ZiggyZoo Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Futhermore to this post, has anyone got any tips on how to improve your mental strength? I'm one of these who tends to dwell on stuff for a long time. I know some people can just brush it off and improve themselves, nip it in the bud instantly so to say and move on. I tend to wallow in self pity and over analyze everything. Have you ever heard of cognitive behavorial therapy (CBT)? If you're an over-analyzer like me, you'll find it especially useful. I studied it for about a year, but I'll share an exercise that I have used countless times with this breakup to help stop the obsessing and fruitless thought patterns. OK. The concept is that your mood is dependant on your thoughts, and if you change your thought, you change your mood. So, you take a thought and look at what your HONEST reaction is to it, and figure out how to see it in a true and more helpful light. For example, one that I struggled with was feeling like my whole relationship didn't mean anything to my ex since he was able to just end it like it was nothing. This thought made me feel depressed and brought my self-esteem way down, obviously. So I took it apart and made it true. Was it likely that my WHOLE relationship meant NOTHING? No, of course not. There were some really good times in there. The fact that it ended doesn't take those away at all. And WAS he able to just break up without remorse? I have no way of knowing, but based on what I knew of him, he wasn't. Just because I didn't see him upset doesn't mean it never happened. So I've changed two beliefs that made me feel badly. This is over-simplified, and it is, and it isn't. It takes time to figure out what is making you upset exactly and then how to get to the truth of the matter. With my example, it brought up the question of why he left, if there were good times. So there's another thought to figure out. But I've found that once I can come to an acceptable conclusion that I can answer the question and move on. I hope this helps. I figure, if you're going to be thinking about it all, may as well do it constructively. 2
amaysngrace Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 You need to find good qualities about her to think of and then forgive her for not being good enough for you. That's how you let go. 2
fireflywy Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 "Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and about what happens to you..." Harold Kushner, forward to Viktor Frankl's (a holocaust survivor) "Man's Search For Meaning"
Sugarkane Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I don't know how these vindictive Aholes find someone. Why would anyone want to date someone who constantly shoves their relationship, in their exes face?! When my ex-ex dumped me (3 year relationship, absolutely head over heels for her) I drove to the beach while it was raining and ran up and down screaming my lungs out and then ran into the water fully clothed and swam as far as i could. True story. I sat in my car afterwards draped in a towel laughing like a lunatic and then broke down so hard, bought a pack of cigarettes (i don't smoke) and finished it in about 3 hours while bawling my eyes out. Maybe 3 weeks after she dumped me, I had to deal with seeing her getting signed to a very reputable modeling agency and sleeping with one of my best friends regularly. I had to deal with seeing them make out in front of me, i'm almost sure that was on purpose too, and pictures of her in her bra and underwear at his house. I had to deal with her purposely coming to events where she knew maybe 1 person, the rest being my friends, and watch her hook up with other guys. She literally intentionally tormented me. I don't even know what emotion i felt for that entire year but it really messed me up. So yeah. Go vent man. Channel that hate somehow, don't let it just sit inside you...
Author Jimmyjackson Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Got a text from her last night, asking me if I was in the same club she had been in. Must've seen me but I didn't see her. Was about 2am, can't believe she has the audacity to text me after what happened last time we spoke. I ignored it and didn't bother replying even though i was in a very drunken state which I'm quietly proud of haha. 1
Recommended Posts