lucy_in_disguise Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 How would you feel if your SO joked that he hopes he never knocks you up? My bf jokingly said this over.the weekend, and it upset me. I have some emotional baggage surrounding this topic, so im not sure if I am overreacting or not. Neither of us is ready for kids right now, but I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt see that as a possibility with me ever. He is 5 years younger so its not really on his radar right now. I am ok with that - I want to wait at least 3 years as well- but his comment was still upsetting. Do you think I am being overly sensitive here? He definitely said this in the context of a joke. Is it worth bringing this up to him just to let him know I have some emotional baggage about this and don't like jokes on this topic?
PegNosePete Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Neither of us is ready for kids right now, but I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt see that as a possibility with me ever. Have you discussed this? Does he feel the same? If not then I think that is what you need to discuss, not his "joke". If you're sure that you're on the same page regarding kids in the future then the joke can be taken for what it is. But if you've never discussed it then this could be a good way of opening the subject. Not "I'm upset", but "I think it's time we discussed what we want in the future". 2
Tribble Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 There are really 2 issues with this: 1) You're worried he never wants kids 2) You don't like jokes about this And they need to be dealt with separately. 1) is a conversation which, in my opinion, needs to be had. It's a deal breaker for many people. You aren't asking for kids now, just to know it's a possibility in the future. Best to have it out in the open now before you get to the point you really want kids and he goes nah thanks. That wastes both of your time. 2) is different. I don't know what your baggage is on this topic, but if it upsets you, sure, tell him. If he respects your feelings, it's not hard to stop jokes of this nature. I assume it doesn't come up often? Have these conversations, just make sure they're separate! How long have you two been together by the way? How old are you both?
No Limit Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Sit down have a talk about where you and he want your relationship to go. I'd question how serious he took our relationship if I intended to have children and he'd just throw this comment in like it means nothing - although it very well could, but if you don't talk to him you'll never find out.
Toodaloo Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Oh you need to talk to him about this one... Be sure to make sure that you listen to what he says and be calm when you have it. The comment "I don't know what you are so upset about I am never going to marry you anyway..." well that was a throw away comment but it was oh so true... Said at my Grand fathers funeral because it suddenly struck me that he would never see me walk down the isle... Comments like this have a tendency to be true. 1
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 It's his way of saying if ever you get pregnant he expects you to get an abortion. 4
elaine567 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Oh you need to talk to him about this one... Be sure to make sure that you listen to what he says and be calm when you have it. The comment "I don't know what you are so upset about I am never going to marry you anyway..." well that was a throw away comment but it was oh so true... Said at my Grand fathers funeral because it suddenly struck me that he would never see me walk down the isle... Comments like this have a tendency to be true. Jesters do oft prove prophets - Shakespeare. 2
missingu Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 In the early stages my boyfriend did the same. I was hurt by it. But as time has gone on I told him if I ever got pregnant id have it and he agreed. Now he talks about when we have kids. And has told me I will make a good mum,
stillafool Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 That statement wouldn't have hurt me because I've never wanted kids anyway. I would consider that statement a relief. 1
central Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I think he's saying he doesn't want to be surprised by a pregnancy. He wants it to be planned. As for if/when he'll consider planning it, you'll have to ask him about that, because you probably want to be sure that it IS something he will seriously consider and want eventually - and with you. 1
kendahke Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Truth in jest. Are you two even at a place in your relationship that if an unplanned pregnancy occurs, he won't bolt? Take it as him giving you a warning cloaked in jest that an oopsy pregnancy is out of the question for him, so both of you had better be diligent on your BC. You could also tell him "well, to make sure that never happens, I supposed I need to close the kitty... abstinence is 100%." 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 That comes off as a passive aggressive comment to me - like if you get pregnant you better not keep it. I'd talk to him about your long term goals and having kids, if he absolutely doesn't want any EVER, then you are WASTING YOUR TIME!! 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I think I get where your bf is coming from. The thought of fatherhood is pretty scary, particularly when it catches you unawares. He's basically giving voice to something that worries him. It doesn't make him a bad person. My wife and I have a bunch of kids, but I didn't become a father until 5 years into the marriage and it was still pretty intimidating. It's a life-changing event, and I was terrified of screwing it up. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 He's saying that right now, he doesn't want kids with you, ever. That could change for all any of us know, but right now it's not even a possibility for him. You need to talk now about how you see your future together, because you're wasting your time if you're not on the same page about kids. I want kids in a few years and my boyfriend knows this, he says he wants kids too and knows my idea of a timeframe. We both joke about how my period is a blessing cos it shows I'm not pregnant and while we are excited to become an auntie and uncle in September, we are both open about how getting pregnant right now would be a disaster. But it's all laced with 'not yet'. I have no idea what'll happen in the future regarding having kids with us, you can't tell what's in store. But I would assume he didn't want kids and speak about it openly if he said that comment to me, so that I wasn't wasting time with a guy who didn't want them someday too. 2
Diezel Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I hope the OP comes back and answers my question. Because it makes all the difference in the world whether he is 18, 23, 28, or 33. Specially if he is 18. I don't think it can be said that he'll NEVER want kids if he is way too young and is making comments like that.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Hes 24, Im 29. Weve been official for about 1 month. Prior to that we were fwb for about 8 months. He wants kids someday but not anytime soon. I want kids approx. 3-5 years from now. Thats as far as weve gotten in that discussion. We have not discussed if we can see ourselves having kids with each other. I did not go so far as to interpret his comment to mean he would expect me to abort in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. We havent discussed that either but that would not be an option i would consider.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Hes 24, Im 29. Weve been official for about 1 month. Prior to that we were fwb for about 8 months. He wants kids someday but not anytime soon. I want kids approx. 3-5 years from now. Thats as far as weve gotten in that discussion. We have not discussed if we can see ourselves having kids with each other. I did not go so far as to interpret his comment to mean he would expect me to abort in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. We havent discussed that either but that would not be an option i would consider. You're probably aware but you're getting pretty close to 35 by waiting 3-5 years 1 Month isn't a very long relationship, I don't think this is a terribly bad thing for this early in. He could have just put his foot in his mouth so to speak.
Redhead14 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 How would you feel if your SO joked that he hopes he never knocks you up? My bf jokingly said this over.the weekend, and it upset me. I have some emotional baggage surrounding this topic, so im not sure if I am overreacting or not. Neither of us is ready for kids right now, but I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt see that as a possibility with me ever. He is 5 years younger so its not really on his radar right now. I am ok with that - I want to wait at least 3 years as well- but his comment was still upsetting. Do you think I am being overly sensitive here? He definitely said this in the context of a joke. Is it worth bringing this up to him just to let him know I have some emotional baggage about this and don't like jokes on this topic? Talk to him! Do it now. Simply say that his statement confuses you and that you want children in about 3 years and you juts want to make sure the two of you are on the same page still. He said something that is causing you anxiety. There isn't anything wrong with telling someone you love and who loves you, that something is bothering you. Don't call it emotional baggage, call it a concern of yours and it affects your future. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Hes 24, Im 29. Weve been official for about 1 month. Prior to that we were fwb for about 8 months. He wants kids someday but not anytime soon. I want kids approx. 3-5 years from now. Thats as far as weve gotten in that discussion. We have not discussed if we can see ourselves having kids with each other. I did not go so far as to interpret his comment to mean he would expect me to abort in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. We havent discussed that either but that would not be an option i would consider. Sweetie, you've only been dating ONE MONTH! So much can happen in 3-5 years and whose to say this is the guy long term? He's young. You're turning the corner on 30. You've only been dating a month. You have his answer regarding wanting kids someday. That's all you need to know at this point. As long as you both are on the same page about getting pregnant right now AND are using protection, it's all good. You're making an issue out of nothing I'm afraid. 5
devilish innocent Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 When he made the comment, it would have been a good opportunity to ask, "What if we're still together in five years?" He might think you're not compatible for the long term. That's something that you should be discussing with him. Normally, I'd say a month was too soon to have that discussion. However, given that you were fwb for eight months prior, it's a different scenario. Since it was a one-time comment, I don't think you need to worry about him making more jokes on the topic. You might still want to mention that the comment bothered you, just as a way to bring up the conversation of whether the relationship has any future potential.
ascendotum Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I did not go so far as to interpret his comment to mean he would expect me to abort in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. We havent discussed that either but that would not be an option i would consider. One month in is not long enough to get upset by his comment I reckon...even though he used the never word. He might not ever see you as his forever after dream girl future mother of his children if you were one of his fwb's before (doesn't mean he doesn't love you but) . Most certainly from it though you can read that he does not want to be surprised with the 'oops I'm pregnant' statement. He is still fairly young and kids are not on his near term plans I'd say plus like a lot of people he would prefer to plan for them (right time + right lady) not be blindsided. If abortion is not an option you should let him know so he is forewarned. 1
h0000 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Why would a "25 year old man" want kids with an "ex FWB just turned GF for a month"? 1
ascendotum Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) Why would a "25 year old man" want kids with an "ex FWB just turned GF for a month"? FWBs can turn into relationships, and this one has, but there is still a perception by many that if this man or woman (depending on who's perspective you are looking at) is so great as to be their ideal catch for a husband/wife then why they would not snap them up as soon as they started going out with them, instead of keeping it casual and hanging out and mostly seeing them for the sex. while also maybe seeing others (I realize fwbs are not all the same) Some 25 yr old guy's are fine to have kids with their gf/wife, but I feel this day and age, less are happy to have kids at that age. Doesn't sound like he wants kids (well not with her right now anyway). I'd say the vast majority of guys don't want to have their fwb get pregnant. Who wants to have a child with your nsa partner. While the relationship has since bumped up in status now with commitment, still the vast majority of guys (and I'd say women too) don't want to be hit with the 'oops I'm pregnant' statement just a few months into a relationship. Edited April 15, 2015 by ascendotum 1
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