The Pain Still Lingers

[Blue08]

Its been a year and 4months since I left. The pain has lessened but there is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about it and wonder if i made the right choice. I still have not found myself, everything I enjoyed is hard to enjoy now. they just bring back memories. I miss my children terribly, I do get to see them, but I miss them when we apart. My son's third birthday is in a few days and its not my day, and i hate it, i can hardly bear it.

I sometimes think i made the wrong choice. I can't decipher if it was abuse or not. I need direction, a clear mind that yes what I did was the right choice.

[embeu]

Tell me your story?

[Blue08]

We were together for 8years and of that only married for 2years. I had a son from a previous relationship and his biological father was not in his life. ended up moving to his hometown, 8hrs away from mine. We had two more children together.

I was a stay at home mom, I feel like I did everything I could to make him happy. I supported him through school and his career. I cooked, cleaned everyday i cared for the children 24/7 (as I should I am their mother) I would try and make it so all he had to do was work and homework and i tried to take care of everything else. Including letting him sleep in on the weekends because he worked, even though I was probably the one needing sleep or a break

The only way to catch a break was to let things go, no laundry for a day, not doing the dishes after dinner, but the rarely happened.

Despite what I believe to my best effort I was constantly criticized for the way that I do things from the dishes, laundry, and how I care for the children, i felt under appreciated considering I had very little help or breaks. I felt like a puppy being trained. He always said that I needed to better myself and I felt I had, I was a better person then who I was, and I was growing and I didn't feel as if it was his choice what I needed to better myself on. I thought I was a great mother and a great wife and I don't know how many women my age (early twenties at the time) who could what I did. I never went out, I had no friends, no other responsibility but my children, my husband,and our home my only priority.

He had his family living near by and we lived out in the middle of no where, I felt isolated and alone. I would tell him I wanted to go out with him, whether it was dinner or whatever a picnic in the woods just something to look forward to even if it was 1x a month or heck every 3months. It was always an argument, bc he thought it should be my responsibility since i wanted it to set it up. Which me feel even more under appreciated.

The relationship between him and my older sons was awful i believe. for the 8yrs we were together there were countless situations that i question, 1st was when he was 2, my son had an accident and he threatened to clean his behind with all-purpose cleaner, I didn't let that happen. But I think he wanted it to burn him so he wouldn't do it again. My son had accidents until he was 8. I had him wear goodnights to bed to keep his bedding dry and he would purposely call them diapers...this was his way of getting him to stop.

He spanked him numerous times leaving welts, a 4yr old boy, I do not agree with it all.

The last incident. he didn't allow my son blankets because he did not take them out of dryer and make his own bed. So my son crawled into his brothers bed at night because he was cold and he ended up having accident in his brothers bed, my husband went upstairs shoved my sons face in the mattress and through him on the floor.

I was not up there I do not know what was sad, I had found out after my husband left for work and I was furious, sad, hurt, my son was treated less than a dog, and i felt horrible for my son. I called his mother, the school but nobody seemed to think that this was abuse.

We went to consoling and I was completely honest and the counselor told me i was doing the right thing for sticking up for him and countless other issues. But my husband did not want to take the advice because the counselor did not have children of his own

I Felt like I was ALWAYS wrong, he always knew better than me and my opinion did not matter.

I got sick of trying, everything I had in me was gone. I cheated and I know I am 100% responsible, I left and then he wanted to try, I still didn't have anything I was depleted completely. I have my older son living with me and share joint custody with my other two. I literally had nothing when I left but clothes and car which he ended up taking back a few weeks later. I had no money to get a lawyer and was completely scared and an emotional wreck, I was ashamed for cheating and scared to go to court, I have no one, its me vs. him and his entire family.

Its has gotten better, I'm going to school now, and I don't hardly at all except for when i think of my children. Its still difficult finding enjoyment out of things even just spring air coming through the windows. I hate cooking now when my children are not here because I feel like it is not fair to them.

The times were not always bad, there were a lot of good memories that i miss so much, and i feel like i could have just hung there for my kids, to be their all the time.

[Blue08]

I was hardly perfect either. I cried to much and I named called when I argued. and I may have been just as pig headed as him, I can be stubborn on things, I felt like I was fighting for me.