Goodbye Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I've been seeing my boyfriend since November. We've had a very close, passionate and sexually active relationship to date. In the past few weeks, it is no longer a "given" that when he stays over we'll have sex. He gets into bed and is snoring within minutes. He used to wake me up during the night to have sex. Even though he is 50 he has stamina. But in the past few weeks I seem to be the one to need to initiate, and I don't like that. I am a passionate person and I don't want to have a boring sex life after only a few months. Is this normal? I've thought about playing hard to get...deny him when he does initiate. Get him a little sex starved and see if that works. Maybe he is just bored because we started out so strong and things have dwindled?
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I've been seeing my boyfriend since November. We've had a very close, passionate and sexually active relationship to date. In the past few weeks, it is no longer a "given" that when he stays over we'll have sex. He gets into bed and is snoring within minutes. He used to wake me up during the night to have sex. Even though he is 50 he has stamina. But in the past few weeks I seem to be the one to need to initiate, and I don't like that. I am a passionate person and I don't want to have a boring sex life after only a few months. Is this normal? I've thought about playing hard to get...deny him when he does initiate. Get him a little sex starved and see if that works. Maybe he is just bored because we started out so strong and things have dwindled? Could be you are past what we call the NRE (New relationship energy). Yes at first he was full of desire and energy but it was caused by the newness of it all. Or Does he have something different happening in his life at the moment? Like more work, more stress? At 50 a man can have a lot of stamina in bed but he'll need more time to recuperate and this for anything he does. How old are you? I don't believe in sex starving him. You attract a man with honey, not vinegar. Did you mention this to him? What did he reply?
PegNosePete Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Is this normal? I've thought about playing hard to get...deny him when he does initiate. Normal is a relative word, it's hard to say. But what you describe is common. No, don't play hard to get, also called "passive-aggressive". If it's an issue for you then you should have a mature adult discussion with him. 1
elaine567 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I would investigate his work first, if his job is physical or extremely busy this time of year perhaps, he may be just exhausted. Does he get up really early or go to bed really late? Is he burning the candle at both ends? If he has gone from single to attached his usual sleep patterns maybe all upset and now he is trying to catch up with sleep. If he is waking really early and doesn't need to, is he perhaps depressed. Is he drinking more now you are a couple? What about medication, that can affect his sleep and the sex. Is he obese, or has he put on weight, that can affect stamina. He may have sleep apnoea, and needs all the sleep he can get. Investigate the physical first. Do not start rejecting his advances, if he makes them, as that will send you both down a bad road. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Have you tried talking to him about how you're feeling? I agree that it could be a number of things that are contributing to his lack of sexual motivation but jumping to conclusions without discussing it with him is a sure fire way of driving yourself mental. As far as playing games with him in the hopes it will drive up his libido is just a recipe for disaster! DO NOT PLAY GAMES especially when it comes to sex. Is this really the kind of relationship you want to have? I don't think it is. It will only backfire on you in more ways than one. Honesty and communication are your best tools to a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship. Good luck. 2
Author Goodbye Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 I will answer the various questions thus far. I am 47. I was married for 20 years, so talking openly about sex with someone is uncomfortable but I did try last night. I do think that it is a case of what another poster called the "New Relationship Energy" was subsided and now we are seeing what normal is. I guess for me the "NRE" is still very much alive, I think about him all the time....when I"m going to see him I spend lots of time making myself look good, the house look nice etc. etc. He has had some recent changes. About 3 weeks into our relationship he lost his job. Because he was unemployed for a while we spent lots of time together...especially over the holidays when my kids were with their dad. During his 2 plus months of unemployment, things got tight for him financially and I ended up giving him money so that he wouldn't be stressed about making his own child support requirements. About 3 weeks ago, he found a new job. It is a good job, pays well, is in is desired field and the people at work are reportedly easy going. So while he is working more now, it doesn't seem like something that should be emotionally or physically draining. I've only had one other relationship since my marriage ended. That was with a recycled ex from college...posted here lots about that train wreck over the past couple years. While the overall picture of that relationship was BAD, the "NRE" never left. We would always greet each other with kisses. There was never that moment like "should we bother to have sex or not?" It was passionate, and I know on MY end, when I love someone, I remain in that NRE state for a long time. It lasted for years in my marriage until several unfortunate things just broke down our connection. Back to the current situation....he kind of ended up taking the focus off of himself last night and spoke instead about being worried about my "depression." I would not say I'm depressed, just over taxed at the moment with 3 teenage daughters, one of whom was recently in an accident and needed extensive surgery. If anything, being with the BF is a welcome escape from the difficult realities of my life right now. And while things are difficult, I know they will pass. I agree with all of you who say that playing hard to get is really passive aggressive. I guess that is an indication that I feel angry. I guess I feel angry because I've put a lot of effort into this relationship and I feel right now it is not reciprocated at the level I desire. I guess it is about fixing me. It is very hard to be out there dating at my age, with 3 kids...trying to look and feel attractive and desirable. Frankly, it sucks. I guess I need to either accept this man where he is and understand that the newness is gone, or continue my search...the thought of which pains me.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Men usually hit their sexual peaks when they're younger. So as they get older (45 plus) they can develop a settling in mentality, can stop being as virile, can develop erectile dysfuction problems, and can stop caring about sex as much. They want to slow down and relax in life. Women tend to hit their sexual peaks as they get older starting at 35. They get hornier and associate sex with feeling desired and wanting to maintain their youth and vitality. There were always "cougars" but now more and more women are embracing that sexual side as they get older. So that's why so many men and women are in opposition at an older age. It's funny though because I've actually gotten more sexually virile as I've gotten older. I guess that means I'm in touch with my feminine side.
Gary S Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Could be you are past what we call the NRE (New relationship energy). Yes at first he was full of desire and energy but it was caused by the newness of it all. - I thought it was called the honeymoon phase?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 - I thought it was called the honeymoon phase? All these interchangeable dating terms are going to be the death of me 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 OP, please know that I completely understand where you're coming from. Reading your last post makes me question if I actually wrote it. I too was married and with my ex husband for 20 years. I became single again at the prime age of 40 with kids. The last time I was single and dating was when I was 19 so you can imagine my surprise to find myself back at it again at this stage of my life. Like you, I'm also a very passionate woman who seems to forever live in this state of NRE. As much as this can be an AMAZING quality, it can also be the most disheartening particularly when it comes to the partners we choose. It can feel hurtful and discouraging and even f*ck with our self esteem whenever those respective partners don't or can't reciprocate at the same level as we do. Feeling rejected can and will breed resentment over time. Trust me, I've been here. I've already commented in another post about how the sex in LTR can get boring and stale and so I'll repeat what I said there; We all go through ebbs and flows in our relationships where life takes over and kicks the sh*t out of us for one reason or another. It's challenging to make each other a priority but it's the single most important thing a couple can do to guard themselves from having a relationship of mediocrity. It takes two people to make a relationship and break it. You BOTH need to be on the same page and want to work on it together. There are no other equations to this. Complacency is the death of any relationship. Period. So what does this mean for you? You need to decide what is most important to you in your life and in your relationships. Intimacy comes from more than just sex but sex IS important. Make no mistake about it. You have to really look at your relationship with this man and you have to ask yourself if this is as good as it will ever get, is it good enough? This deceptively simple question was and is the thing that changed my life for the better and the the very question I live by in all matters in my life. If this man checks off most of the boxes on your list and he treats you well then perhaps it's YOU who needs to make some changes to fit into this relationship. Remember, most people aren't like us where living in NRE indefinitely seems commonplace. On the other hand, this is still a fairly new relationship. You're still feeling each other out in terms of LTR potential. You haven't invested quite as much time or energy yet. If sex and all that lovely gushy stuff that goes along with it IS a critical piece to your happiness and one you don't think you'll be able to compromise on given then perhaps it's best to cut your loses now before you get too deep. It won't be easy no matter what you choose but it's something you'll have to face if you want to find your happy place. Good luck. Not every man can keep up with my level of energy and my level of commitment of keeping things fresh and exciting. 1
Gary S Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) In answer to the question, some couples and unhappily married people don't even have sex anymore. Some reject their partner's advances. At least you are having it. It does not matter who initiates. Grow up. Edited April 14, 2015 by Gary S
Redhead14 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I've been seeing my boyfriend since November. We've had a very close, passionate and sexually active relationship to date. In the past few weeks, it is no longer a "given" that when he stays over we'll have sex. He gets into bed and is snoring within minutes. He used to wake me up during the night to have sex. Even though he is 50 he has stamina. But in the past few weeks I seem to be the one to need to initiate, and I don't like that. I am a passionate person and I don't want to have a boring sex life after only a few months. Is this normal? I've thought about playing hard to get...deny him when he does initiate. Get him a little sex starved and see if that works. Maybe he is just bored because we started out so strong and things have dwindled? It's normal to fall into a state of complacency in a relationship. If you are in a "relationship", it is not good to use sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation. You should be initiating when you want it and if he reciprocates when you initiate, then it's all good. It could cause him some anxiety as well if you're not initiating the same way it affects you. If he doesn't reciprocate when you initiate, it's OK to open a casual, non-confrontational conversation outside of the bedroom and say something like "I've been enjoying the time we spend together over these few months. Lately though I've been sensing some distance between us sexually. Is there anything we should talk about or something bothering you? I'd like to hear about it and work together. This is non pressuring and supportive. Sometimes stress affects libido and interest. Is there anything going on in his life that may be stressing him out and causing him to be tired? Just be supportive and communicate. 2
Diezel Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Oh, I can't wait til some posters walk into this thread and suggest "waiting 6 months to see if he initiates" as a gauge of his interest. Do this: Talk to him. Tell him what you miss. Don't: Play games. Become passive aggressive. Wait 6 months to see if he makes a move.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 It's normal to fall into a state of complacency in a relationship. If you are in a "relationship", it is not good to use sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation. You should be initiating when you want it and if he reciprocates when you initiate, then it's all good. It could cause him some anxiety as well if you're not initiating the same way it affects you. If he doesn't reciprocate when you initiate, it's OK to open a casual, non-confrontational conversation outside of the bedroom and say something like "I've been enjoying the time we spend together over these few months. Lately though I've been sensing some distance between us sexually. Is there anything we should talk about or something bothering you? I'd like to hear about it and work together. This is non pressuring and supportive. Sometimes stress affects libido and interest. Is there anything going on in his life that may be stressing him out and causing him to be tired? Just be supportive and communicate. I liked this post a lot. It shows that Redhead is a woman that communicates, that is nurturing, and that is supportive. If I was in a funk sexually because of outside influences and a woman came at it from an approach of caring/understanding, THAT would turn me on. Instead of making the guy feel like a piece of meat, it shows that you genuinely care and want to understand what's going on.
Author Goodbye Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 In answer to the question, some couples and unhappily married people don't even have sex anymore. Some reject their partner's advances. At least you are having it. It does not matter who initiates. Grow up. Grow up? Did you even bother to read my post. It was hardly about who initiates. Initiating is something I am not used to doing after a 20 year relationship in which it wasn't an issue. Your rude response was completely unnecessary.
elaine567 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I've been seeing my boyfriend since November. We've had a very close, passionate and sexually active relationship to date. In the past few weeks, it is no longer a "given" that when he stays over we'll have sex. He gets into bed and is snoring within minutes. About 3 weeks ago, he found a new job. It is a good job, pays well, is in is desired field and the people at work are reportedly easy going. So while he is working more now, it doesn't seem like something that should be emotionally or physically draining. See what I did there. At 50 a new job will be very stressful and tiring for him, especially after a period of unemployment. He will be learning new things, he will want to make a good impression, and he will be scared he loses it again. All very stressful. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) See what I did there. At 50 a new job will be very stressful and tiring for him, especially after a period of unemployment. He will be learning new things, he will want to make a good impression, and he will be scared he loses it again. All very stressful. I can totally relate to this. Three years ago, my living situation and work situation both changed simultaneously. Three years prior, a rich client of mine that I met through the gym I was at, came up with an idea. She would let me stay rent free in the studio apartment attached to her house in exchange for training her, and she was going to let me train all my clients in her four car garage (she liked to park in the drive way). So I put in my notice at the gym, and took all my clients with me starting my own business. After three years of this, one day she proceeds to tell me that she's moving her business home, and needs the apartment for her new office space in a few weeks. So not only was I suddenly homeless, but I had nowhere to train any of my clients. Since they had no desire to follow me back into a gym to pay fees and higher rates, they all quit. So I had to find a new apartment at the last minute, and go back to working in a gym for the first time in years to rebuild my client base. Suddenly I had a "boss" again and had to pull 45-50hr weeks because gyms pay half as much. A few months before this happened, I had started up hot and heavy with this woman. But then when I started going through this huge ordeal, I just didn't have the mental/physical energy to keep up my sex drive. I tried to explain why it was happening, but she just couldn't hear it and she took it personally. This lead to me ending it because she obviously didn't give a crap about me. She just enjoyed the sex. If she had been like Redhead and actually showed support and understanding, my sex drive would have rebounded. Edited April 14, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Dork Vader Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 You're an adult, you don't need to play games such as denying him sex or any other type of hard to get BS. That is a GAME and it has no place in a mature adult relationship. The simple solution to your problem is too just talk to him about it.
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