melissacus Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 This is my first thread posting! I have been seeing a guy the past 3 months and became close with him very quickly. I am very picky with men, but when I meet someone I'm interested in, I fall in love fiercely. He and I had been talking regularly for several months as friends before decided to randomly spend time with one another. He is currently living in my hometown and I am in Monterey, 4 hours away from him. So, yes, it's a long distance relationship. Which just makes everything more complicated. He has come and visited me several times and I went and saw him once for several days (I recently got my license suspended so am unable to drive). I don't want to bore my readers by giving too much background information, so here's my dilemma: he is not very good at communicating and avoids any degree of conflict like the plague...he and I both have had difficult and different upbringings than the average person and are quite unique in character; which is why I like him so much. He is extremely hilarious, out-spoken, comes off cocky, can be harshly blunt when rubbed the wrong way, and also can be the sweetest person in the whole world. But when I have an issue with him, like him not communicating with me or not responding to me when I text, not calling me when he says I will (which is what long distance relationships are dependent on), he will either say I am nit-picking him, being dramatic, get angry and end the conversation, or avoid the subject by making light of it. But the thing is that it really bothers me! I try to let it go, but then I wind up getting so frustrated that I'm not being heard that I end up saying something I don't mean and expressing myself out of frustration, which pushes him away, rather than compassion and curiosity. I have talked to him about this before and he said he is not good at expressing emotions, he is naturally alone, distant and reserved with it. He also has had extreme anger problems that he went to therapy for and has learned to deal with, he says that he avoids conflict now because he knows what he's capable of when he becomes angry. So he needs zero "drama" or conflict in a relationship...but that is unrealistic. How do I approach him when I have a problem I want to talk about? WHY is he doing this and acting this way(a fellow male's perspective would be greatly appreciated)? Can this ever get better? I do not want to hear that I should just break up with him because he's too much trouble. I have already decided I care for him and want to be with him and want to try everything possible before giving that up. I am a very sensitive and sweet girl, but am also strong, honest, and know what I want. I have a hard time not saying how I feel and going after what I want. Has anybody been in a relationship where their partner would "stonewall", brush them off, or get angry when an issue was brought up? What was the result and how did you deal with it?
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) How do I approach him when I have a problem I want to talk about? There is no way to approach him, he told you he is bad at communicating and he avoids drama at all cost. When you try to reach to him he ignores you. You cannot negociate or talk to someone that has consciously decided they will not communicate. WHY is he doing this and acting this way? Because of his up bringing and cockiness that makes him so very special to you. It has a double edge. You are seeing the other side of the medal. Can this ever get better? No, he won't change, he's made up his mind already that this is who he is and he is unwilling to change any of it. He's got the 'take it or leave it' mentality. I do not want to hear that I should just break up with him because he's too much trouble. I have already decided I care for him and want to be with him and want to try everything possible before giving that up. Then I will tell you to get ready for a long frustrating and emotionally abusive relationship. What you see is what you get. You've only been dating 3 months, this is him at his best, can you imagine how it will be 1 year down the road? Good luck, you will need it. ETA: You have the same mentality that has women stay in abusive relationships Edited April 14, 2015 by Gaeta 5
fitnessfan365 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Good to come across someone from Northern California on here. Monterey is only 90 mins from me. First I will say that I sympathize on bad phone habits. My GF is amazing and 200% invested in person. But she's also a hardcore introvert and HATES the phone. On texts, 6-10 hrs average to respond with a few words. Or not at all. If I call her after work to make plans, she'll always let it go to voice mail. Then she calls back HOURS later when she's in bed. Now an insecure person would freak out over this, question her interest level, etc.. But she's an introvert and is still adjusting to being in a relationship. So I don't send double texts, don't complain about the calls, and give her plenty of space. In the end, my focus in on dates because I'm seeing her, not the phone. With how she is in person, I'm very secure in her interest level. With that said, that's why LDR's are never a good idea. Relationships are driven by in person interaction. So if he is that bad on the phone, and you can rarely see him to make up for it, I'd recommend ending it. It's only been three months after all. That way you can focus on men locally that you can actually spend time with.
Author melissacus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 I do not want to hear that I should just break up with him because he's too much trouble. I have already decided I care for him and want to be with him and want to try everything possible before giving that up. Then I will tell you to get ready for a long frustrating and emotionally abusive relationship. What you see is what you get. You've only been dating 3 months, this is him at his best, can you imagine how it will be 1 year down the road? Good luck, you will need it. ETA: You have the same mentality that has women stay in abusive relationships Thank you for your input, I appreciate how straight-forward you are. I really should end things, you are right. And reading your post, it actually makes me pretty angry that I've put so much effort into someone completely uninterested in my feelings or needs. My mom was in an abusive marriage for 20 years and I am not trying to mimic who she was and what she was put through, thank you for the perspective. 2
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 My mom was in an abusive marriage for 20 years and I am not trying to mimic who she was and what she was put through, thank you for the perspective. You putting up with your boyfriend's ignorant behavior makes sense now. It's possible for you to repeat your mother's pattern without being conscious of it. If someone does not treat you right after 3 months he will never treat you right and his attitude toward you will only degrade with time. I would stay away from this man especially that he has a history of anger management problem.
PinkElephants Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Vote #2 for ending it. He's already neutralized you by labeling your feelings as nagging drama or by ignoring you. He's also threatened you by saying he can't have drama and that if you cause any, ie express one negative emotion towards him, he's going to get angry and he gets violent when he's angry. Good for you for recognizing that this isn't healthy after 3 months instead of 3 years. Maybe next time you can guard yourself a little better and determine whether or not he's worth loving fiercely before losing yourself in an unhealthy relationship. How is your self-esteem btw? I ask because you decided an emotional abuser is a catch and the boobie picture in your avatar suggests a need for validation. I wonder if you're going to find yourself swept away by another unsuitable man because you lack the ability to enforce standards. 1
Gary S Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Okay, so you are attracted to bad boys He has major issues, you've only seen the tip of the iceberg so far. Can you imagine what this guy would be like after 5 years of marriage? Mental problems can be a dealbreaker.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 This is my first thread posting! I have been seeing a guy the past 3 months and became close with him very quickly. I am very picky with men, but when I meet someone I'm interested in, I fall in love fiercely. He and I had been talking regularly for several months as friends before decided to randomly spend time with one another. He is currently living in my hometown and I am in Monterey, 4 hours away from him. So, yes, it's a long distance relationship. Which just makes everything more complicated. He has come and visited me several times and I went and saw him once for several days (I recently got my license suspended so am unable to drive). I don't want to bore my readers by giving too much background information, so here's my dilemma: he is not very good at communicating and avoids any degree of conflict like the plague...he and I both have had difficult and different upbringings than the average person and are quite unique in character; which is why I like him so much. He is extremely hilarious, out-spoken, comes off cocky, can be harshly blunt when rubbed the wrong way, and also can be the sweetest person in the whole world. But when I have an issue with him, like him not communicating with me or not responding to me when I text, not calling me when he says I will (which is what long distance relationships are dependent on), he will either say I am nit-picking him, being dramatic, get angry and end the conversation, or avoid the subject by making light of it. But the thing is that it really bothers me! I try to let it go, but then I wind up getting so frustrated that I'm not being heard that I end up saying something I don't mean and expressing myself out of frustration, which pushes him away, rather than compassion and curiosity. I have talked to him about this before and he said he is not good at expressing emotions, he is naturally alone, distant and reserved with it. He also has had extreme anger problems that he went to therapy for and has learned to deal with, he says that he avoids conflict now because he knows what he's capable of when he becomes angry. So he needs zero "drama" or conflict in a relationship...but that is unrealistic. How do I approach him when I have a problem I want to talk about? WHY is he doing this and acting this way(a fellow male's perspective would be greatly appreciated)? Can this ever get better? I do not want to hear that I should just break up with him because he's too much trouble. I have already decided I care for him and want to be with him and want to try everything possible before giving that up. I am a very sensitive and sweet girl, but am also strong, honest, and know what I want. I have a hard time not saying how I feel and going after what I want. Has anybody been in a relationship where their partner would "stonewall", brush them off, or get angry when an issue was brought up? What was the result and how did you deal with it? Yes, I have. It didn't work out. He wasn't worth it. I really don't know what to tell you, other than...good luck. You're in for a terribly rough ride and it's lonely as hell.
CC12 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 How do I approach him when I have a problem I want to talk about? How have you approached it in the past? When you brought it up before, were you upset or angry? Was it in the middle of an argument? You can try approaching him when you're both calm and in a good mood. You've heard this before, probably, and it might sound cheesy, but use phrases like, "I feel ___ when I feel ignored" not "You shouldn't do ___." If you've already tried that, what else is there? You're dealing with someone who doesn't think there's a problem (actually he thinks it's your problem, not his) and who hasn't even pretended to want to fix things. I mean, it's almost a blessing that he's not saying, "Yeah, I'll change" and then never bothering to change. He is telling you that this is exactly who he is and how things will be, and you basically need to get over it if you want to be with him. I also find it really concerning that he brought up his anger issues in the context of him not wanting any drama or conflict in your relationship. It seemed almost like, "I know what I'm capable of when I'm angry, so don't anger me with your drama." Although I'm sure he didn't mean it to be, it was subtly threatening. You have valid complaints - him not responding to texts or not calling when he says he will - and no reasonable person would tell you that you're wrong for finding those things problematic. He's telling you that you're wrong, though. I'm not sure how you can work with that.
Author melissacus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Thanks for all your guys input. We broke up and I feel happy about it. I'm not only into bad boys, I was in a long term relationship with one of the best men I know. We are still good friends until this day. With this guy perhaps I had a little bit of a wounded bird complex going on. Generally I like nice guys though!! Thanks everybody
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