neowulf Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 So... Been dating casually now for a few months and I'm starting to notice something that's starting to set me on edge. When I was younger, it seemed easy to find "attraction". You'd find a girl at least once or twice a month where you were seriously keen enough to chase. Now days, it's the complete opposite :-/ It's not that objectively I can't see that women are attractive. I can look at a beautiful women and appreciate her looks. But *feeling* something. Feeling attraction, desire. It's all kind of just ... stopped. I've been on anti-depressants now for about 2 years. I'd heard that they can sometimes effect libio and desire. I just didn't think it would be such a subtle thing. It's so hard to tell if this is just normal. Do people often struggle to find attraction to 99% of the people they encounter in day to day life? Or is this something I should be more concerned about? How about it LS? Easy to find that 'spark' that makes you want to take things further?
fitnessfan365 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I just see it as evolving as you get older. When you're a teenager and a bit older, it's mainly about getting laid and scoring with a hot girl. Then as you get older, and you mature emotionally/intellectually, you begin to need more overall stimulation. So I'm the same way. I can see a beautiful woman and really appreciate it. However, for me now it's based on who the woman is and I take it situation by situation. Instead of just focusing on how gorgeous she is, I try to find something I can relate to. Whether it's a certain type of workout outfit, or where she is in the grocery store, etc.. Now I'm just a lot more selective. In all honesty, that's the ONE area that online dating has an edge. At least you can find out a few basic things before you approach. The other day I was depositing money at the middle ATM. A beautiful blonde walked up to the use the one on the left and a beautiful brunette walked up to use the one on the right. The blonde had on tight jeans, boots, and more of a country western style top. I HATE country music, so I'd automatically dismiss her. The brunette had on workout pants and really developed legs. So if I was single, I'd talk to her base on her interest in fitness. 1
Gary S Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 It could be the medication. You mean you see women who are repulsive to you? Would you not want to kiss them, if the setting was right?
Author neowulf Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 It could be the medication. You mean you see women who are repulsive to you? Would you not want to kiss them, if the setting was right? No, no. Not repulsive. I mean I go on dates with women, where things appear to be going really well, yet there's no desire to take things any further. We talk, conversation flows. She's laughing. It's all very positive. Yet I get to the end of the evening and think "well, she was nice", then we go our seperate ways. I've had a couple of women seem pretty down about it all, considering how positively the dates went. I agree with fitnessfan I guess. I can see that things changing and evolving as you get older. Realistically, I'm well past being obsessed about getting laid or having a relationship. I'm really chasing 'wife' material at this point. Maybe that's the shift? When you're younger, it seems there can be a lot of anxiety around being single. As I've gotten older, I've found that I'm mostly "ok" with being on my own. The world doesn't stop turning. There's food in the fridge and life goes on. I guess I'm just wondering how long this level of 'detachment' from the process should happen before I start to get concerned about it.
Versacehottie Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I would guess it's probably a combination of a) getting older b) your medication. I think as you get older, it's not just the looks that attract you. Thus there can be lots of good looking women around but it also takes something about their personality or drive or some unspoken thing that makes you truly intrigued. I'm guessing the medication isn't helping with this issue either. But it's probably not the only reason. What you find attractive changes because what you want from a mate is different--i'd say more well-rounded (from the other person) and more specific (because you know yourself better). Good luck 1
Author neowulf Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Thanks guys. Appreciate the perspective.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I am the same way. I can't remember anyone I really had feelings for in the last few years, not even a crush. Personally, I think I have just given up.
Redhead14 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 No, no. Not repulsive. I mean I go on dates with women, where things appear to be going really well, yet there's no desire to take things any further. We talk, conversation flows. She's laughing. It's all very positive. Yet I get to the end of the evening and think "well, she was nice", then we go our seperate ways. I've had a couple of women seem pretty down about it all, considering how positively the dates went. I agree with fitnessfan I guess. I can see that things changing and evolving as you get older. Realistically, I'm well past being obsessed about getting laid or having a relationship. I'm really chasing 'wife' material at this point. Maybe that's the shift? When you're younger, it seems there can be a lot of anxiety around being single. As I've gotten older, I've found that I'm mostly "ok" with being on my own. The world doesn't stop turning. There's food in the fridge and life goes on. I guess I'm just wondering how long this level of 'detachment' from the process should happen before I start to get concerned about it. Detachment is a hallmark of depression and some other emotional "conditions". Are you feeling detached from life in general? or just in the dating process. If in general you are feeling detached, that is something you'll have to do some work on. In addition, detachment is a response to anxiety sometimes as well. When something becomes overwhelming in life, some people will "detach" themselves as a way to manage the anxiety. Is there isn't anything like that going on? You've said you're "ok" with being on your own, the world doesn't stop turning, food in . . . it sounds like you're just going through the motions of living at this point. It's maybe a matter of simple complacency and you're just in a rut. before I start to get concerned about it. - You're writing here now, you're already concerned about it. This is why I mention anxiety above. If you're feeling anxious about dating, being detached is a way of pushing the anxiety away. Doing that also makes you feel flat or disinterested as well. I'm just putting this out there as food for thought. Either way, maybe you need to change some things up in order to start feeling more involved in your life. A new job, a new home or a hobby. Try something new that generates some enthusiasm for yourself and it may help you in interacting with dates and people. You're spirits will be lifted. You may need to change the medication you're on as well. The medication should alleviate some of the sense of detachment. If you've been on the same medication for 2 years, sometimes it will lose it's effectiveness. That's something else you can consider. 1
Hawaii51 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Pills mess up our natural vibration, they numb our not-so-extra senses. Makes sense to me.
kendahke Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I've been on anti-depressants now for about 2 years. That plays a huge role in lessened libido. Huge.
kendahke Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I think as you get older, it's not just the looks that attract you. Thus there can be lots of good looking women around but it also takes something about their personality or drive or some unspoken thing that makes you truly intrigued. I'm guessing the medication isn't helping with this issue either. But it's probably not the only reason. What you find attractive changes because what you want from a mate is different--i'd say more well-rounded (from the other person) and more specific (because you know yourself better). Good luck ^^^exactly. I find that the older I've gotten, the less hung up I am on looks. I have found in my travels that the ones who were considered "good looking" usually were cheating up a blue streak or they had some other unattractive personality quality that I'm too old to put up with. The ones who have turned out to be wonderful would be overlooked by someone with a more shallow preference. Nowadays, I'm more into the regular guy who may be gray, may be balding, might be a bit soft in the middle, but has a heart of gold and is kind to me. THAT goes a way long way with me now. 1
Author neowulf Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 <great advice> . I do feel pretty generally detached about life. Part of depression, then of the medication they used to treat it was a certain emotional 'numbing'. Perhaps I need to revisit my medication again. Thank you for your thoughts. 1
smackie9 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 yes this is a for sure sign that you need your medication adjusted or have another one added. Get to your doc and see what they can do for you.
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