wantnotshould Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 So it's been a little short of 3 months since the break up. I have accepted the fact that it happened. I have accepted that we were not that compatible, and the relationship went sour. I don't want to return to her. I have started moving on. I have started finding other girls attractive again. The idea of flirting and dating is back in the picture for me. I'm excited for this, but at the same time have realized that I'm in the middle of rediscovering myself. I am not ready for anything serious. I'm also not the type of girl who just hooks up. I'm very picky and need to be intrigued by the other person. This usually means getting to know the person at least to a certain level before even kissing them. ------ Anyways, yesterday I was hanging out with a group of friends and this girl, lets call her K, was there. I know K as an acquaintance for probably a year. When we met she was dating a girl and I was with my ex, but I was always attracted to her on a surface level. We both broke up at about the same time. Now, I had a couple drinks on me and wanted to have fun. I decided to flirt around a bit. I wasn't too direct but definitely let her know I was curious about her through body language. She paced slowly, but definitely reciprocated. I thought it might end up in a kiss or something similar, and then that's it. I also flirted around with other girls in the area, and luckily was receiving a lot of attention. A lot of acquaintances came up to me and told me how stupid they thought my ex was for leaving me etc. etc. I was on top of the world. I hadn't received attention like this in ages. Anyways, fast forward to the end of the night. When we said goodnight, she seemed like she was going to leave it at that. I wanted at least a kiss, so I hinted a bit and she kissed me. And holy **** the tingles. I hadn't felt that in a while. I'm thinking it was in part because it was someone new after 4 freaking years, and in part because she was just really attractive. We ended up kissing goodbye for a decent while, while having short conversations in between. In one she said she thought it would take her weeks before she'd be able to get to that level with me. In another, I asked "what is this?", "what are we doing?" trying to see where she wanted to get from this. She answered she didn't know a couple of times, and then finally said "Lets just call it, we are exploring each other." We got really heated and one thing led to another, but I didn't let it get too far. I think in part because we were in public and in part because I had my dog with me. And then in part because I had never done this before. I usually make a person "prove" themselves before I give them any chance at anything. Now, here is where my dilemma is. Although, I find her incredibly attractive and think this could lead somewhere. I am not ready for anything leading anywhere right now. I don't want a rebound. I am in a very gray area in every aspect in my life right now, and am rediscovering and redefining myself. I plan on telling her all this, but have a feeling this won't stop her from attempting to pursue for more. I think I'd be down for a friends with benefits type of deal, but I am scared that it will lead to feelings on either part. I am not usually good at separating sex and feelings, and am a sucker for sweet gestures and cuddles. Should I nip it? Should I relax and just let it happen and see where it leads? What do I do with this guys?
frigginlost Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Now, here is where my dilemma is. Although, I find her incredibly attractive and think this could lead somewhere. I am not ready for anything leading anywhere right now. I don't want a rebound. I am in a very gray area in every aspect in my life right now, and am rediscovering and redefining myself. I plan on telling her all this, but have a feeling this won't stop her from attempting to pursue for more. I think I'd be down for a friends with benefits type of deal, but I am scared that it will lead to feelings on either part. I am not usually good at separating sex and feelings, and am a sucker for sweet gestures and cuddles. Should I nip it? Should I relax and just let it happen and see where it leads? What do I do with this guys? You're both adults. As long as you both are completely honest with each other, than there is no harm. Just don't try to fill a bucket with a hole in it by pouring more water in it... 1
ZiggyZoo Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Awwww, I'm so happy for you! It makes me wish I was starting a new relationship, all those awesome feelings! As far as what to do, I think that as long as you're honest, like frigginlost said, you should be fine. I'm sure this girl knows that you're just out of a relationship, and will appreciate you not wanting to make her just a rebound. She's in the same boat too, you said? Well, that should be good for both of you, taking it slow together. Good luck, keep us posted!
Ruby65 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 She needs to hear that you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend. You're both adults, sure.... but so were you and your ex, and that didn't stop you from being terribly hurt by her. Let this girl know you're still in love with someone else. Then she can make a truly informed decision whether she just wants you for FWB.... or whether she's willing to risk dating (and developing feelings for) someone who's in love with someone else.
Author wantnotshould Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 frigginlost: "Just don't try to fill a bucket with a hole in it by pouring more water in it..." I love that quote. That's exactly what I'm afraid of. I am positive that I'm patching up the hole on my own through NC and therapy, yet I don't know exactly how patched up it is. I don't think I am completely over the break up yet. I don't want her back, yet I still get all sorts of anxiety when I think I might bump into her, or when I think of seeing her again. This shows me that the hole is not completely patched up yet. Hence, why I don't want to go into anything. I don't want to confuse myself further. But I do want to hook up with this girl. I do want the attention that she is giving me. It's different, it's intriguing. I would definitely tried to date this girl if I was in the right state of mind. But right now, I think I just want a hook up. ZiggyZoo: I definitely loved feeling all those awesome feelings. She is kind of in the same boat, but not. She was the one who ended up leaving the relationship. Her ex was into polyamorous relationships, she thought she could do it, but realized she couldn't handle it. We both didn't go into what the break up was for us. I can't really tell if she is completely over her ex or not. Ruby65: Yeah, I definitely plan on telling her that. I realize I am not completely over the break up. 3 months after a 4 year relationship is nothing. I'm glad I am where I am mentally right now, and that I got to this stage fast, but I know I am not ready for anything serious with anybody. I actually don't think I want to have dating even as an option. I think it would end up confusing me. It just seems like something I don't want to deal with. I am dealing with so many changes in my life already.
Ruby65 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Ruby65: Yeah, I definitely plan on telling her that. I realize I am not completely over the break up. 3 months after a 4 year relationship is nothing. I'm glad I am where I am mentally right now, and that I got to this stage fast, but I know I am not ready for anything serious with anybody. I actually don't think I want to have dating even as an option. I think it would end up confusing me. It just seems like something I don't want to deal with. I am dealing with so many changes in my life already. It's really great you recognize where you are. Just be sure to be very clear: you're in love with someone else, relationships are NOT an option. Some people, especially if they're feeling attracted to you in a deeper way, won't hear something more subtle like "I'm not looking for anything serious right now." Some people will even take that as a challenge. So it needs to be blatant -- "I'm in love with someone else." You're only up for FWB.... "casual dating" has blurry lines and many people -- especially younger more inexperienced ones -- can get attached and really hurt without clear boundaries.
Author wantnotshould Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Thought I'd provide an update. My ex wrote me this long email with the intent of saying things that were left unsaid. She told me that we just weren't compatible and wanted different things from life and the only reason we lasted so long/ didn't see that is because we got along so well. We never treated each other harshly and were the best of friends. (I agree with her in this.. once I was able to detach and see things clearly, this is exactly what I thought). She said sorry, I miss you, and I love you a lot through the email. She called me by her nickname for me (a bit uncalled for). And said I looked beautiful and that she heard how many girls were after me (also uncalled for, and why is she still tracking my life?) She then asked me to always consider her a friend, and to get back in touch with her as soon as I was ready. Pushing for sooner than later. She apologized for contacting me but said she needed to say these things to be able to move on herself. She asked to keep this between us. I was incredibly surprised of my reaction. This email did not push me back down. It was a relief to read this and be barely affected by it. It showed me I've come a long way in just 3 months. The only real thing that stuck with me was her asking to keep this between us. I though maybe she has someone already, and people finding out the contents of the email would rock that. I thought maybe she hasn't been honest of her state with our mutual friends and is embarrassed about needing to get it out. It made me think I am actually in a state where I am stronger and further along the process than her. It made me feel good. I honestly think that in a few more months I'll be able to become completely indifferent to her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyways, things with K are going extremely well. We finally hooked up! YAY! Multiple amazing times. I talked to her and explained my situation. I told her how I am in a place in life where I am rediscovering myself. I told her it's too soon for me to get into anything serious. That I am intrigued by her and enjoy her company, but I don't want feelings and complications to get in the way. That what we are doing should remain light. She agreed wholeheartedly. She said she is in the same process (She also went through a recent breakup). That we need to recognize what we both are for each other in this stage in life. Later on, she began to act all cutesy and cuddly. I told her that I think I'm threading into dangerous territory because she really intrigues me and I have never done anything like this before. She reassured me that she is also a bit nervous about the outcome but that we are both adults. That we can be honest with each other, and that we should check up constantly with each other and make sure we are still in the same page throughout. We also talked about safety, since we are not exclusive. We will be honest with each other and have testing done if we do hook up with other people. I'm so happy. I couldn't ask for a better deal. I get to hook up with an adorably sexy lady, while continuing to explore myself and heal. It's made the balance of the relationship completely different, as I am being completely myself with her. I don't feel the need to impress or woo her. I don't feel the need to hide the feelings from the past relationship. It's good to be able to be this honest. I guess I have never been in a situation where I am hooking up and don't really feel the need to tweak or present my best self. I have also been able to separate emotions from sex, which is something I didn't know I had in me. I see her as an interesting person who I enjoy their company and enjoy hooking up. That's it. Nothing more to it. It's really good. I'm very happy with how things are panning out guys! I'm excited!
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