ducky17 Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 I have been in this relationship for about 5 years. I have been unhappy off and on, yet not 100% sure why. LAst year I started an affair with someone I had been friends with for about 6 years. My mate knows I had the affair. It lasted about 6 months then I broke it off and decided to try and make my relationship work. I think I had fallen in love I know she did. When I broke it off I quit talking to her and told her it was all a big mistake and that I didnt love her. I thought it would be easier for her to move on if I just exited her life. A few months past and I started calling her again. I guess I missed having her in my life. I have never felt so connected or comfortable with someone before as I do her. I didnt want to have an affair again and put her through that. However along the way I ended up telling her that everything I had told her back then was true and that I was in love with her but I had told her that in hopes it would help her move on. She at one point wanted me to get out of her life she said so I could work on me. I spend weeks convincing her not to and that I had always held hope that we would end up together when the time was right. We ended up sleeping together a couple times. Now I feel like she is all wrapped back up in me and hurting and that I should break free from her again. As I dont want her to hurt. I do want her to be happy and not wait or not see other people but not lose hope on us. Not sure that makes any sense. I am so in control with my work. I have no issue addressing problems or conflicts. I work alot . I guess thats the constant in my life. Yet Im complete opposite in my personal life. I cant speak out , make change or decisions or express my true feelings well at all. I have wanted to leave my mate several times yet I just cant seem to turn the corner. My mother lives with me and has a strong opinion about my life. I worry having to deal with her , hurting my mate and having to start life over again. Also alot of financial ties we have together. Yet Im not sure why I let those things weigh on my chance to be happy. I know Im not being fare to anyone including myself. And Im only hurting everyone including myself. I know she hurts everyday and that alone could cause to lose her. If I let her go again , I know last time she was just devasted and this time could be worse and forever. Yet I do nothing. I often ask myself what is wrong with me ? Why did I jump back in her life and why cant I make change?
eastern_mystique Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 You sound very, very confused....or commitment-phobic. You want her when you can't have her, then you don't want her when you do have her. Plus it sounds like you worry too much. Perhaps you should talk to someone who can go through your thoughts and sort them out systematically.
Author ducky17 Posted April 23, 2005 Author Posted April 23, 2005 Thanks...Maybe. Commitment phobia I dont think , I guess the unknown. Gosh what a mess.
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