Bleepx6 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 My boyfriend and I met in the summer through mutual friends. We both took the same program. However, I failed a semester and tried again another semester and my grades were not enough to continue. Nonetheless, at that end of the semester my boyfriend and I started having mini fights that escalated to bigger ones, which ultimately resulted in me running away when I feel panic and resort to saying stuff like: We are done, I can't do this anymore... And storm off. However, after minutes of cooking off-- I apologize and rekindle. I get angry for the smallest things and I hate myself for this. I fee stupid for even acting this way. However, a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and I'm currently in denial as well. His flaw is that when I get upset/mad easily at the little things, if he can't solve it right then and there.... He gets even angrier, which reminds me of how my dad (abusive father) gets mad at my mom. Frankly, my boyfriend is frightening when he gets mad or it's just me that is afraid of seeing someone angry at me.... We tried making changes and compromises that I need space when I'm angry but yesterday, he said this is who we are and cannot fix it. Nonetheless, two days ago we had another small fight that led to a big fight and inevitably me running away, breaking up and coming back but.... He had enough. He decided to break it off completely. Until hours later, I called him and asked to make it clear: if we are on a break to reevaluate our relationship-- still exclusive or break up? I called him after I got a text from him that he needs a break and when I randomly met up with his best friend, from the best friend's POV we broke up. I needed the clarification and called him whether we are on a break or break up. He asked for my opinion, despite him pulling the plug ultimately. We decided on a 2 week break-- that will end after finals to talk whether or not we should stay together and fix our issues. I really don't want to go back to how it used to be... I'm so lost for words right now and I know it's only been half the day since it happened, but I'm heartbroken and depressed. Unfortunately, I texted him last night and we talked. I told him how a break is just a slow break up with the exclusivity. I also told him deep inside I still want to continue this relationship, and work it out together with my depression and anxiety (he knows about this). I will do my very best to stop running away from problems and attend therapy sessions. However, he ultimately said he needs time because he is hurt and felt abandoned. Also to discuss our relationship 2 weeks or so from now after finals to have a clear mindset and analyze the bigger picture. I feel so guilty, sad and heartbroken that we have come to hurting each other... I thought he was being selfish but after consideration he is not. **tl;dr:** Boyfriend and I decided to take a 2 week break to reavaluate our relationship after constantly fighting, breaking up and making up. We still are exclusive but giving each other space. I have been diagnosed with severe depression due to past circumstances (dropped out of engineering and currently studying a different major), and currently talking to various counsellors. Last night, I texted him (I'm so stupid) to talk about us and we did. I told him breaks are useless as they lead to break ups. He understands but ultimately, he needs time to think what's best for him, since he's hurt and feeling abandoned and after finals to discuss the relationship. I feel like the one who is abandoned and hurt. What should I do? What are the necessary steps to this? Any replies are appreciated.
pteromom Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Have you seen a therapist? I completely understand where you are coming from, as I came from a similar background. If you aren't in control, you are the victim. So you become the one who takes control - who gets angry, who abuses. If a relationship has a winner and a loser, you are going to be damn sure to be the winner. But doing this just makes your partner the loser. And I know logically that you don't want that. You need to work on yourself. You need to learn to disagree without becoming too angry, or running away. You can work on that, depressed or not. Being depressed is about how you feel, but you still have control over your ACTIONS. And you can choose NOT to yell or run, if you want to. I don't think you are in a place to decide whether your boyfriend's scary behavior is abusive, or whether it just triggers your childhood fears. I think it is best if you and your boyfriend see the break through at this time. It doesn't mean you will never be together. But you need to work on YOU, so that you can come to the relationship with a healthy mind and open heart.
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