losangelena Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 What do you mean, exactly, by showing it by my actions? I guess I am not sure how to do that without coming across as sulking, passive-agressive, etc. In those cases we also end up having an argument because of my behavior. What I mean is, set boundaries around his behavior that you find disagreeable. This sleeping thing is a perfect example. Stop being his alarm clock. If he's late for work, so be it. Let him be late for work. He's a 35 year old man, he doesn't need his GF making sure he gets up in the morning. If he gets in trouble at work for being late, so be it—if the consequences are dire enough, he will change, he will start setting that second alarm again to make sure he gets up in time. When you do it for him, you shield him from the consequences of his poor decision making. But that's how people grow (unfortunately). What would happen if you didn't get him up for a mutually-agreed-upon event? Lunch with friends (for example), or a daytime concert y'all got tickets to? What if, instead of you waking him up, you let him sleep, and you leave and go do whatever it was by yourself? That's what I mean by showing it through actions. Don't sulk—just set the boundary (In this case it's, "I will not get you up anymore, that's YOUR responsibility") and enforce it. It's up to him to decide how to respond. When he wakes up late and realizes you're gone, will he feel bad? Will he blame you for not waking him up? Will he be apologetic? Will he get defensive? Will he just go back to bed? Will he rush out to meet you? You might not know until you try it, but his reaction will tell you a lot about who he is.
lucy_in_disguise Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 OP, i dont necessariky have any great advice for yoi, but I wanted to let you know that I have been in a very similar situatikn, and there's no easy answer. My guy was sweet, loyal, successful, cute- an overall great guy- but we had the same issues that left me feeling empty and alone. Ironically, like your bf, my ex's passion was also music, and I always felt that our relationship cane second to this interest. He also had a tough time expressing emotions and "being there" emotionally for me. Like your bf he could not handle venting and sucked at putting himself in my shoes- including being there for me in ways that would normally be expected in a long term relationship if not explicitly asked. Despite these issues, we stayed together for almost 4 years, because i loved him and believed that since he was a great guy, we could make it work. In the end tho... I couldnt handle it anymore. It was very unsatisfying to have to constantly negotiate to have my emotional needs met. poor commuincation, being on different pages emotionally - whatever u wanna call it, it was killing the spark. It was a vey tough decision to which i came after more than a year of therapy but i broke up with him. I was not (and still am not) convinced it was necessarly "for the best" - or will be in the long run- but your post reminded me of the exhausting internal debate I always had in that relationship. Should i stay or will i be happier if i go. Ugh how exhausting. I believe now we just werent compatible in terms of emotonal connection and interests. It remains to be seen if i will meet someone who is "better" for me overall. Ill tell u this tho- it didnt take long to meet someone who makes me happier. (Due to the new guy's age im not sure yet if that will translate to happily ever after for us tho). I will add that its tough being 30 and single. People expect you to have it figured out and the pressure is on to make all the right choices, especially if you want children. When it comes to matters of the heart tho, not every choice is so cut and dry. It should not take so much effort to be happy, tho. If it does, you have to ask youself if its really worth it. i can relate to the dilemma you face having had these feelings before. However, just because you havent met the right person yet, doesnt mean hes not out there. At the very least, i believe you can find someone with whom you can find a greater degree of emotional satisfaction. In the end, i find thats the biggest incentive to be in a relationship, for me. 1
Gary S Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 The woman is right - this man is taking her for granted. He should listen to her... women get emotional a satisfaction just from talking... he should also support her in her interests, hobbies, and recreational activities. Her requests are reasonable, it's part of romance. In a relationship, women need romance like flowers need the rain Notable: Women need 4 things to stay in love with a man: Affection, romance, respect, and trust (surprise!) You can try to talk to him. If you can get him to counseling, that will help. If all else fails, you may have to practice tough love. Cut off sex... when he asks, "What's wrong"? - that's your cue to spill the beans. When it's his own idea, only then will he be open to really listen to to you and be ready to change. For best results, it has to be their own idea. 1
acapelo_dp Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 You can't change a guy. Sometime during the relationship their personality and traits unfold and you cannot mold or shape someone into who you want them to be. I would say if you aren't happy then end it. There are plenty of guys who love being active and being outdoors. I wouldn't settle for anything less than what you want. You can figure out the living situation. You might need to get a roommate or maybe live with a friend. But ultimately it's your choice, if you want to to stay with him realize this is who he is.
Leigh 87 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I am just confused about everything. I didn't actively try to ignore anything, it just became slowly apparent. I guess you guys probably get a lot of these kinds of posts on this forum, so it probably gets old to reply to them day after day. But I am just trying to figure out my mental state and my life situation to make the right decision. It's not an easy one to make. If you'd prefer I close this thread I can do that -- it seems to be drawing some ire. Hey, don't even feel bad about posting. You clearly need to vent. My friend was in a relationship with a man who wouldn't comfort her, or he'd do so begrudgingly. She is an emotional woman and needs hugs and kisses when she's feeling down...... Ultimately, she ended up resenting him. She wanted to he able to turn to her partner in her darkest hours ; not just friends or family. It won't change. Either accept him as he is and figure out how to come to terms with it, OR alternatively, you can do better for yourself. Just trust us when we all say that he won't change this is who he is....accept. Or get rid. I know what I'd do in your position. And I'd not wait a year or even months, for that matter...... I was bullied growing up and honestly at times I don't feel I could get any better than men who would never take me out on dates or who would lavish me with physical affection like I so desire. I thought " welps, this is as good as it gets! ":sick: Wrong. I am able to do better..and I did. I now only date men who meet my needs. It's amazing. Dating seldom lasts due to true chemistry and compatibility being a rare combination but man do I enjoy the ride. It feels ground breaking once you start dating men who fulfilling your basic needs. For instance, I need to be completed when sad, to be treated to once a week dates, to have physical affection in public and private and to adore the crap out of one another. So I date men who fit this bill........ I aim within my league. I find them. Dating hard at times as you sometimes feel as though you'll never find the right one. But honestly, dating men who you're more compatible with is INFINITELY more pleasant than settling for a.l relationship with a man who doesn't comfort you when you're sad, who's too lazy and who just doesn't meet you're very reasonable needs. It can get much better. Don't be scared to be single. There is a more compatible man out there. 1
Recommended Posts