lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I live with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years (we moved in at about the year mark.) We have a nice house with a big backyard and are totally on the same page as far as decor, use of the space, entertaining, cleanliness, etc. It was actually a pretty smooth transition to move in together in the logistical sense. However, I think it's brought some of our relationship problems to the forefront. I love him very much and in many ways he's a great boyfriend. But in other ways I worry we're just incompatible and sometimes I feel really sad and alone and disconnected from him. But feeling sad and disconnected has been a continuous issue in my life so it's hard to tell if this is a sign that the relationship is not fulfilling, or if it's just my brain being my brain. I've been to therapy several times in my life and it never really seemed to help, but I think I'll go back as soon as I can afford the visit co-pay. These are my main concerns in terms of incompatibility: 1) He's lazy. I mean, I have never considered myself a particularly active person and often describe myself as lazy, but compared to him I look like a real go-getter. He would be perfectly content to sleep all day and watch movies all night (with naps in between.) He sleeps in until noon or one every weekend, and he'd sleep longer if I didn't get him up. He doesn't particularly like to do outdoor activities, or get dirty or sweaty, which means he does things I enjoy with me only grudgingly or not at all (hiking, camping, kayaking, etc.) I find this really frustrating because while I'll still do these things on my own, I've found that something I am really looking for in a partner is someone who wants to do these things with me. However, he is becoming more open to it after learning that it can be fun in certain ways. 2) He doesn't seem capable of comforting me when I am sad or expressing sympathy for my problems. When I try to talk about my feelings (i.e. a situation at work, a problem with a friend, worries about my life, etc) he either freezes and says absolutely nothing, even when I'm done talking, or he gets exasperated and dismisses me by either saying he doesn't know what I should do, or by offering whatever solution he thinks is correct and then shutting down the conversation. I know this is a common issue between men and women, where men see things in terms of problems to be solved, but I've explained to him that I'm not asking for a solution, just a sympathetic ear. I've also told him that physical contact is extremely important to me and that a hug when I'm sad will go a long way, but he just doesn't seem to be able to take this information to heart. He'll usually hug me if I explicitly ask for it in the moment, but he doesn't seem very connected or concerned. I really don't know why it is so difficult for him to just offer me a hug when he knows I am sad. He's not afraid of physical affection or anything-- he gives it to me at other times. It just seems to be some kind of mental block. 3) He doesn't really give priority to things that I explain are important to me, such as his attendance at certain events. His own desires are more important. If he wants to go or has nothing else going on, he'll be there, but his desires (usually concerts he wants to go to) take precedence over mine. He has repeatedly chosen to go to concerts over special events that I am participating in, or planned activities with our friends such as weekend trips. Some family of mine will be coming in soon and he has chosen to go to a concert on the night they are arriving. I know music is very important to him, and it is for me, too -- that's one of the things we first bonded over. But he'll choose to go to concerts from bands he just got into or bands he's seen recently. I guess what it boils down to is I just feel kind of alone, not like I'm in a true partnership. But, I've always felt alone and kind of empty, so I don't want to assume it's the relationship. Aside from the listed issues my boyfriend is really sweet, fun, considerate and great company, and we have plans for the future. I think we have a beautiful home together and we both have a lot of love for each other. It's just that there seems to be no way to resolve these problems, because any time I try to explain what my needs are he takes it as personal criticism. I've tried to phrase it every way from Sunday to let him know that I'm just telling him what I want or need, NOT that he is wrong or bad or does everything incorrectly, but he just doesn't see it. I've kind of given up trying to fix anything. I just let his desires take precedence. I think he'd be really upset and feel terrible if he realized I was doing that, but I don't see any other way to keep the peace. But I think this may be as good as it can get for me. I don't know if my wants or needs will ever be fulfilled by anyone, or if I'm just asking too much. I don't want to throw away a mostly-good thing for reasons that are internal and not specific to the relationship. I guess I'm just wondering if people have any thoughts. I'm not necessarily ready to make a decision right now, but it's something that has been weighing heavily on my mind.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 If you're this unhappy and have such an obvious lack of compatibility, why have you stayed with this guy for so long? By now, he has shown who he is, and isn't going to change. So you either have to settle for being unhappy or break up with him and find a guy that has what you want. Even though this sounds harsh, I always have a hard time feeling sympathy in these situations because YOU ARE CHOOSING to stay with the guy. In the end, you're the only one that can make decisions in your own life. 1
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Sorry, I just read that this isn't actually the appropriate forum to post this in since we're in an LTR. Where should I put it? I didn't think the marriage forum would be appropriate so I figured it went in here.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 If you're this unhappy and have such an obvious lack of compatibility, why have you stayed with this guy for so long? By now, he has shown who he is, and isn't going to change. So you either have to settle for being unhappy or break up with him and find a guy that has what you want. Even though this sounds harsh, I always have a hard time feeling sympathy in these situations because YOU ARE CHOOSING to stay with the guy. In the end, you're the only one that can make decisions in your own life. Well, that's part of why I posted it. It's really not clear to me at all whether it's a relationship problem or a *me* problem that will rear its ugly head in any relationship I might have... in which case I need to work on me, and there isn't necessarily a problem with the relationship. But you definitely feel that it's the relationship so I'll mark one tally in that column.
mammasita Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Surely you knew his habits before you decided to move in together? Yes, to me, it seems to me like a relationship problem that you chose to ignore for the first year that you were together because you think you don't deserve better.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 I am just confused about everything. I didn't actively try to ignore anything, it just became slowly apparent. I guess you guys probably get a lot of these kinds of posts on this forum, so it probably gets old to reply to them day after day. But I am just trying to figure out my mental state and my life situation to make the right decision. It's not an easy one to make. If you'd prefer I close this thread I can do that -- it seems to be drawing some ire.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 No I'm just being honest and direct with you. It doesn't matter how many posts I see dealing with these things. My attitude has always been the same. YOU are choosing to stay. So if you're unhappy, YOU need to take action. That's all there is to it. Some women like to think that they can change a man if they just hang in there long enough. But he has shown you who he is, and he won't change. So if you want a guy that's in shape, likes to be active, and that knows how to communicate/be supportive, you go find one that is. You don't sit around trying to mold a guy into that. I mean I get that it isn't easy to move on. Especially when you two live together. But in the end, if you want things to change, no one but you can make it happen.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 The living together is definitely a part of it. It would be a total nightmare for one of us to move out, and neither of us can afford the place on our own. So that's definitely one thing that's holding me back. I guess the other thing is the idea that I won't be any happier in another relationship... I'll just find different things that bother me and seem like dealbreakers. I'm just not convinced I can be happy at all. And if I can't be happy anyway, why not stay in a decent relationship? I'm not trying to discount your advice, and not saying I won't break up with him. That remains to be seen, and maybe I need to. I'm just illustrating my thought process at the moment.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I actually think that you're remarkably self aware. You know exactly what you want and the traits that you desire in a s/o. Your only mistake is being naive in the fact that you think you can change/mold your BF into that if you wait long enough. Now granted, it sucks being stuck in a living situation. Especially when you need a roommate to cover part of the rent. But in the mean time, you may want to work on finding a better job and look for living options that are more affordable like a studio apartment.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 I guess the fact that he's become somewhat more open to outdoor activities gave me hope that he just didn't realize that he'd like them, since he'd basically never done them before... but all things considered, he'd still prefer to sit inside and watch movies and nap on a beautiful summer day. I wish I could just be happy with what I have. I never have been, no matter what it was. It really depresses me to think about being alone forever if I throw this away and can't find someone else to meet my exacting standards.
Diezel Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 So the house is what is holding you back? I'm 100% sure that if it weren't for that, you'd totally be done with this. Next time, wait longer before you start jumping into a housing arrangement with these sort of implications.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 So the house is what is holding you back? I'm 100% sure that if it weren't for that, you'd totally be done with this. Next time, wait longer before you start jumping into a housing arrangement with these sort of implications. No, not just the house. I love him so much and it's a really hard decision to make. Maybe we are not compatible, but that doesn't change how much I love him and care about him and like to be around him. I've never been good at choosing a breakup even when it's the right thing for me, because it's hard to choose something that you know will cause so much pain. We intentionally waited a year to move in together and at the time we thought it was the right choice. A lot of problems suddenly become more visible when you're living with someone. I didn't realize these things would become so much of an issue.
Diezel Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Well, now you know, and knowing is half the battle (Like GI Joe would say). The other half is doing something with that information. So what are you going to do? Because the last thing you need to do is become that person who becomes cold and distant to the point where he eventually breaks up with you, saving you from having to do it yourself.
losangelena Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 OP, I would not say that your standards are "exacting." It's not weird or unreasonable for you to want to be with someone who is happy to join you in the things you want to do. My BF is prone to behavior like yours—he loves to sleep the day away—but two things will get him out of bed. One is going to be gym, and the other is if he or I have something planned for the day. Both days this weekend (something of a record), we had things going on during the day (shopping and a hair appointment on Saturday; brunch with friends on Sunday morning), and he got himself up and ready to go, no problem. Still, I naturally get up much earlier than he does, and it can be kind of a drag if he stays in bed too long. But, we compromise. However, the fact that you say your BF won't even go with you when you plan things, or will go do his own thing even if you do have plans, sounds like a different case to me. Add on the fact that he is difficult to communicate with, and no wonder you feel lonely. There are men who would gladly incorporate your needs and wants far better than this man is willing to, that's pure fact. But it is up to you to decide if that's something you want to put up with in the long term. He may change over time, but that's no guarantee, and not a reason you should stay. How old are y'all? Have either of you had other long-term or serious relationships? You say you've always felt this way—have you been officially diagnosed with depression? Or are you just generally down? It sounds like you BF could also be dealing with some depression (Refusing to go outside on a nice day? Taking everything personally?), or is at least somewhat on the more unavailable side.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Well, now you know, and knowing is half the battle (Like GI Joe would say). The other half is doing something with that information. So what are you going to do? Because the last thing you need to do is become that person who becomes cold and distant to the point where he eventually breaks up with you, saving you from having to do it yourself. I don't know yet. This isn't the kind of decision I can make in a split second. I feel like the attitude that's coming across here is "**** or get off the pot" but I just discovered there even was a pot... it wasn't until the last few weeks that I really realized how prevalent these problems were and how unhappy I was feeling. (Mostly because the beginning of spring didn't make me as joyous as usual -- I am usually depressed during the sunless winter.) So, I don't know what I am going to do. I have to do some soul-searching and think about it. This isn't an easy decision for me. But if I do stay with him it's going to be with the understanding that things will be the way they will be, and that it's my choice. I don't see a scenario in which I become cold and distant. It's just not in my nature.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) OP, I would not say that your standards are "exacting." It's not weird or unreasonable for you to want to be with someone who is happy to join you in the things you want to do. My BF is prone to behavior like yours—he loves to sleep the day away—but two things will get him out of bed. One is going to be gym, and the other is if he or I have something planned for the day. Both days this weekend (something of a record), we had things going on during the day (shopping and a hair appointment on Saturday; brunch with friends on Sunday morning), and he got himself up and ready to go, no problem. Still, I naturally get up much earlier than he does, and it can be kind of a drag if he stays in bed too long. But, we compromise. However, the fact that you say your BF won't even go with you when you plan things, or will go do his own thing even if you do have plans, sounds like a different case to me. Add on the fact that he is difficult to communicate with, and no wonder you feel lonely. There are men who would gladly incorporate your needs and wants far better than this man is willing to, that's pure fact. But it is up to you to decide if that's something you want to put up with in the long term. He may change over time, but that's no guarantee, and not a reason you should stay. How old are y'all? Have either of you had other long-term or serious relationships? You say you've always felt this way—have you been officially diagnosed with depression? Or are you just generally down? It sounds like you BF could also be dealing with some depression (Refusing to go outside on a nice day? Taking everything personally?), or is at least somewhat on the more unavailable side. Well, I might have been unclear on the sleeping in thing -- usually if we have something planned that he wants to do (or even that just I want to do, as long as there's not something more fun intervening) he'll get up and do it. But I am his alarm clock and he cannot ever manage to wake up early on his own, no matter how important. I have to physically wake him up. I guess that isn't such a big deal though because I am usually there to do so. He doesn't really make plans with other people during the day so there's nothing to conflict with -- it's mostly evening or multi-day activities that get superseded by concerts or other things he'd rather go to. However I really love just hanging around on the weekends and letting spontaneous plans happen as they will, and it's hard to have anything actually happen when he sleeps all day and grumbles about getting up, and then still has to shower and dress, etc. I am 30 and he is 35. We've both been in multiple long-term, serious relationships before. I am actually kind of baffled at how apparently none of these issues ever came up in his past relationships. It seems like there was a lot of quiet seething and sweeping things under the rug rather than discussing them. I have not been officially diagnosed with depression but I am currently on anxiety meds and have always had mood problems. My boyfriend does suffer from depression but it is currently well-controlled (supposedly anyway.) He is always talking about how much better he feels on his meds and how he used to be much worse, but he definitely has self-esteem problems and a guilt complex, which feeds into all these issues. He is not at all interested in therapy, though. He thinks meds should be enough because it is more scientifically based. Edited April 13, 2015 by lightstruck
losangelena Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I don't think anyone's saying you have to decide right now. Hopefully, everyone here acknowledges the fact that it's much easier to dole out advice on an internet forum than to apply that advice in real life. Never mind that the more often you ask questions around here, the more conflicting advice you'll receive—posters are well-intentioned (for the most part), but only partially-informed. We don't know the whole picture, you do, but as such, we can only speak to the information we have, which is incomplete. All this to say—take everything you read here with a grain of salt. Give yourself a few months and see if things improve, stay the same, or get worse. For myself, WHAT my BF does or doesn't do (joint activities, lending a sympathetic ear) doesn't bother me as much when I FEEL secure knowing that he cares about me. If I were you though, I would make sure he knows how bad it makes you feel—that might be the only reason he'd change. But if you're not willing to let him know, he probably won't pick up on it himself.
Diezel Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I don't know yet. This isn't the kind of decision I can make in a split second. I feel like the attitude that's coming across here is "**** or get off the pot" but I just discovered there even was a pot... it wasn't until the last few weeks that I really realized how prevalent these problems were and how unhappy I was feeling. (Mostly because the beginning of spring didn't make me as joyous as usual -- I am usually depressed during the sunless winter.) So, I don't know what I am going to do. I have to do some soul-searching and think about it. This isn't an easy decision for me. But if I do stay with him it's going to be with the understanding that things will be the way they will be, and that it's my choice. I don't see a scenario in which I become cold and distant. It's just not in my nature. My problem is that the longer you drag this out, the harder it is going to be to make a decision. There's only 3 ways this can go: (1) Break it off (2) Stay together and bite the bullet (3) Have a heart to heart that will get you to (1) or stay together and hope for the best. That's it. Those are your choices. It's not going to get better as time goes on. I've lived with two people in my past and I went through what you went through BOTH times. Simply because I ignored the red flags and jumped in any way.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 If I were you though, I would make sure he knows how bad it makes you feel—that might be the only reason he'd change. But if you're not willing to let him know, he probably won't pick up on it himself. Unfortunately, when I've tried to tell him that something upset me or that I need something else, he takes it as personal criticism and gets defensive and agitated. I understand where he's coming from -- he has a real guilt and inferiority complex and I think he tends to view the world in terms of what he's done wrong and who is accusing him. This makes measured relationship discussions really difficult, though. I'm not sure what other tactic to try to side-step this (I've tried "I" statements, positive reinforcement, etc.) Thanks for the rest of the advice. I'm sure I seem oversensitive, but it's easier for me to hear bad news gently.
losangelena Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Well, I might have been unclear on the sleeping in thing -- usually if we have something planned that he wants to do (or even that just I want to do, as long as there's not something more fun intervening) he'll get up and do it. But I am his alarm clock and he cannot ever manage to wake up early on his own, no matter how important. I have to physically wake him up. I guess that isn't such a big deal though because I am usually there to do so. Sorry we're having this kind of staggered discussion. I would actually argue that this is a pretty big deal. If he's 35 years old, he really shouldn't need to have you wake him up, and I'm of the opinion that you should stop doing that. If he can't get up for a planned event, then that's his problem. You go, without him, and then let him deal with the consequences of being late or missing the event. It may be unpleasant in the short-term, but those are the kinds of consequences that get people to make different decisions. It seems like there was a lot of quiet seething and sweeping things under the rug rather than discussing them. Quiet seething on your part or theirs?
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 My problem is that the longer you drag this out, the harder it is going to be to make a decision. There's only 3 ways this can go: (1) Break it off (2) Stay together and bite the bullet (3) Have a heart to heart that will get you to (1) or stay together and hope for the best. That's it. Those are your choices. It's not going to get better as time goes on. I've lived with two people in my past and I went through what you went through BOTH times. Simply because I ignored the red flags and jumped in any way. I don't really think it's true that the longer I wait, the harder it will be. I am already deep into this, and we're cohabitating... being that marriage isn't on the table any time soon, it's not like we're going to keep moving forward in measurable ways. In fact it might be easier to wait if I continue to see red flags and signs that it just won't work. Not that I SHOULD wait... I just haven't decided yet. I've only been posting in this thread for an hour or two... I need a little time to digest the information and think about the details. I am not a person who makes decisions rashly. I look at every angle and try to be fully informed before any action.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Quiet seething on your part or theirs? Their parts (I meant in his past relationships.) I don't do the quiet seething thing -- I talk about my problems and concerns and want to address them. He seems to be coming from a different place on that, which contributes to the problems. As far as him getting up... I don't know. He's stopped even setting his second alarm for getting up for work and lets me just wake him when he starts running late. I don't really mind, I guess, except that I know I can't count on him to get somewhere on time if I'm not there to oversee it. Last time that a concert took precedence it was when we were going on a weekend trip with friends. He was supposed to come out early the next morning to meet us, and promised me he would. I even told him that it would be his valentine's present to me and not to get me an actual present-- just to show up on time. He was two hours late. He woke up, decided he didn't get enough sleep, and went back to sleep. When I called him to get his ETA he said he was still running on time even though he knew he wasn't.
SSM3 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 He needs a kick up the a*se, talk to him and tell him to change his ways. He sounds like a lazy slob sleeping all day....sorry. I presume he doesn't work???
losangelena Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 As far as him getting up... I don't know. He's stopped even setting his second alarm for getting up for work and lets me just wake him when he starts running late. I don't really mind, I guess, except that I know I can't count on him to get somewhere on time if I'm not there to oversee it. Last time that a concert took precedence it was when we were going on a weekend trip with friends. He was supposed to come out early the next morning to meet us, and promised me he would. I even told him that it would be his valentine's present to me and not to get me an actual present-- just to show up on time. He was two hours late. He woke up, decided he didn't get enough sleep, and went back to sleep. When I called him to get his ETA he said he was still running on time even though he knew he wasn't. Hang on—just to clarify—he doesn't set an alarm for work? He relies on you to get him up? If that's the case, NOPE. I don't mean this accusatorially, but if you're doing that for him, you're enabling a very bad habit. It is not your responsibility to make sure he gets up in time for work or for mutually agreed-upon activities. He's got to feel the heat of the consequence—whether he gets in trouble at work or at home. Don't tell him how his always being late makes you feel—demonstrate it through your actions. You say it upsets you, but then you keep letting him do it. But setting a boundary and enforcing it will force him to deal with it.
Author lightstruck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Hang on—just to clarify—he doesn't set an alarm for work? He relies on you to get him up? If that's the case, NOPE. I don't mean this accusatorially, but if you're doing that for him, you're enabling a very bad habit. It is not your responsibility to make sure he gets up in time for work or for mutually agreed-upon activities. He's got to feel the heat of the consequence—whether he gets in trouble at work or at home. Don't tell him how his always being late makes you feel—demonstrate it through your actions. You say it upsets you, but then you keep letting him do it. But setting a boundary and enforcing it will force him to deal with it. He does set an alarm -- he has multiple alarms set so he can keep snoozing. He has two set, 10 minutes apart. He used to always snooze the 2nd alarm and then would get up with enough time to get ready. He's mostly stopped snoozing the 2nd alarm, so that if I didn't get him up, I guess he'd sleep indefinitely. We didn't really have any discussion about this... I just asked him once if he wanted me to get him up if he forgot to snooze his 2nd alarm (he would occasionally do this) and he said yes, and then I guess he felt like he didn't need to snooze it anymore. Why he can't just set an alarm for the time he actually gets up, I don't know. He seems to be under the impression that he usually gets up for the 2nd alarm when he has done that probably twice since we've lived together. What do you mean, exactly, by showing it by my actions? I guess I am not sure how to do that without coming across as sulking, passive-agressive, etc. In those cases we also end up having an argument because of my behavior.
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