Throldur Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I'm pretty sure I know the answer is to not do this.. but a friend of the ex's birthday is coming up and we were good friends during the relationship. She's still on my facebook and I just hid her stuff from my news feed so I'm not in danger of seeing anything I don't want to. Keep in mind, my ex currently resides in a different province in one of the most moronic situations and reasons you can concoct. So, should I send a HBD message to the friend or just leave it be? I am thinking to leave it be. Pros- 1. GF gave reasons why she was breaking up that some of her friends thought I didn't like them.. this would counter-act that a bit. 2. This girl did have some interest in me while I was with her friend.. and the ex does no longer live here. 3. She might mention it to my ex that she heard from me. Cons 1. I might hear something about the ex girlfriend and I don't want to. 2. If I ever did anything with this friend there would be absolutely no hope of reconciliation in the future. Which is a faint hope I will always hold until I find someone new. 3. She might mention it to my ex that she heard from me. Leave sleeping dogs lie, right??
PegNosePete Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 No, you should delete her from your friends list instead. Your "pros": 1. Who cares? 2. If you think dating your ex's friend is a good idea then you have rocks in your head. 3. This is a con, not a pro. And makes number 2 above an even worse idea. 2
Lady Logic Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 If I were in your shoes, I'd be tempted to do the same thing, Throldur. But I would advise you not to send a note -- there are more ways that it could go wrong than right. Your ex will definitely hear about it, and it will not help your case no matter how your intent is interpreted by either woman. Follow your instinct -- it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. 1
Author Throldur Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 If I were in your shoes, I'd be tempted to do the same thing, Throldur. But I would advise you not to send a note -- there are more ways that it could go wrong than right. Your ex will definitely hear about it, and it will not help your case no matter how your intent is interpreted by either woman. Follow your instinct -- it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. Thought so. Thinking clearly is not a strong suit of mine in this entire situation.
Lady Logic Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I totally get that. Show me a person who is enduring a heartbreak, and I'll show you someone who can't think clearly. I say that from personal experience, and I'm pretty rational! So...how'd you do today? Were you able to sit tight?
Author Throldur Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 I totally get that. Show me a person who is enduring a heartbreak, and I'll show you someone who can't think clearly. I say that from personal experience, and I'm pretty rational! So...how'd you do today? Were you able to sit tight? Its on April 15th, saw it in the upcomings but yeah, I will be able to sit tight. I have really good self restraint with this type of thing.. I'm almost 2 months N.C. now and it's almost a month since she's officially moved away to another province. I've frozen her in time and coping OK. Just sometimes get lost in it as there's a lot of triggers in my life where she meant so much to me. I expect now that it's a month in to her move and the month is littered with the things she would have done and had been doing that she's missing out on. Someone told me that when she moved there had been no tweets or anything about how excited she was to be moving, to have arrived, just.. I can't believe I'm missing burger week. I'm sure her home sickness is gonna be through the roof. So as you can see.. I can control myself.. just not my thoughts, yet.
ravfour4 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 If you're just trying to say a simple and innocent HBD, I'd say go for it. If you think it'll make her start talking to you more and bring you back to sadness, def don't. If you're trying to do it so she'll tell your ex, don't do it either.
Author Throldur Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 If you're just trying to say a simple and innocent HBD, I'd say go for it. If you think it'll make her start talking to you more and bring you back to sadness, def don't. If you're trying to do it so she'll tell your ex, don't do it either. I think I'm not going to do it.. for the simple reason that I think no matter what, it will just blow up in my face. I obviously still have that kernel of hope that my ex will come back to me. I believe in the power of the love I had for her and that she's buried it but not forgotten it. It's a hope I've buried deep inside that may come to fruition while I am healing and getting my **** together or it won't and hopefully someone else will come along during the process and if the ex never returns, it won't matter. However, that kernel of hope could be entirely destroyed if I send this happy birthday message to her.. then she texts my ex, "Guess who wishes me a happy birthday?" and then, if my ex, is still in her stubborn, OMG MOVED AWAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE PERFECT stage, she's just going to chalk it up to something negative and I'm sure doofus that's giving her a free place to stay will just turn it around on me, and since he has her trust, for some inexplicable reason, it can only backfire on me. The "best" scenario to come out of this would be to hook up with her friend and that, which is kindly pointed out in this thread, a huge disaster and would do nothing but scorch the earth.
Ruby65 Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 If you're just trying to say a simple and innocent HBD, I'd say go for it. A *simple innocent happy birthday message* doesn't have a list of pros and cons and its own thread on Loveshack. 3
Author Throldur Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 A *simple innocent happy birthday message* doesn't have a list of pros and cons and its own thread on Loveshack. I'm surprised no one applauded me on my cleverness of including the same thing under a pro and a con.. Double-edged swords You're all great people, but I wish I never met any of you 1
Author Throldur Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Today's the birthday and so far.. I have not messaged. Though facebook keeps trying to entice me to do so. I'm sure the friend would understand/probably not even register that I didn't wish her a happy birthday, anyhow.
PegNosePete Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Why are you still facebook friends with someone you're not friends with in real life?
Author Throldur Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Why are you still facebook friends with someone you're not friends with in real life? Everything is hidden.. and in order to actually remove them at this point would mean risk seeing something. So, it's better to leave it be than to see something that could set me back in a huge way. Months down the line, I'll probably remove.. but right now, if I see one ****ing thing about my ex in Ontario.. I'll go insane.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Everything is hidden.. and in order to actually remove them at this point would mean risk seeing something. So, it's better to leave it be than to see something that could set me back in a huge way. Months down the line, I'll probably remove.. but right now, if I see one ****ing thing about my ex in Ontario.. I'll go insane. You can go to your list of friends on your own FB page and unfriend her without visiting her page at all. Or go to your security settings and block her by just typing in her name. No need to visit her page for that either. 1
stillafool Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Everything is hidden.. and in order to actually remove them at this point would mean risk seeing something. So, it's better to leave it be than to see something that could set me back in a huge way. Months down the line, I'll probably remove.. but right now, if I see one ****ing thing about my ex in Ontario.. I'll go insane. Definitely block any and everything that might give you access to information about your ex. This will set you back. No snooping on what she is doing or you will never heal. Don't wish her friend a HBD because you should stay as far away from your ex as possible, and this includes her friends.
Author Throldur Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 You can go to your list of friends on your own FB page and unfriend her without visiting her page at all. Or go to your security settings and block her by just typing in her name. No need to visit her page for that either. Perfect, thanks. I didn't know you could do it that way. 1
Author Throldur Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Definitely block any and everything that might give you access to information about your ex. This will set you back. No snooping on what she is doing or you will never heal. Don't wish her friend a HBD because you should stay as far away from your ex as possible, and this includes her friends. It's extremely difficult but I have been doing it for the past month or so. I haven't seen anything since verifying the tweet that she did move to Ontario. Didn't think she'd actually do it, but considering all she gave up to make it happen, she really put herself in the point of no return. Waiting is the hardest part.. either she comes back in months/years down the line when this all fails.. or she doesn't and I hopefully find someone in the mean-time. Just get to September is all I keep telling myself.. then I can start working toward my career and have something to occupy my mind/the opportunity to really meet someone.
stillafool Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Don't wait for her to come back. You will set yourself up for disappointment. You have to tell yourself now that she isn't coming back and act as such so you can heal. If down the road she comes back you can deal with her then but even expecting a phone call from her will keep you from healing. You have to move forward as if she were dead. 1
Author Throldur Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Don't wait for her to come back. You will set yourself up for disappointment. You have to tell yourself now that she isn't coming back and act as such so you can heal. If down the road she comes back you can deal with her then but even expecting a phone call from her will keep you from healing. You have to move forward as if she were dead. Well, my situation is unique in the fact that she legitimately moved away for the time being. While, I know, in the back of my mind, this is temporary and she'll end up back here.. there's no way of REALLY knowing that, so I am just moving on the best I can because she may actually never move back here and I won't ever know anyhow since I'm not snooping and in NC. I've made my decision today to just leave things be and accept that I'm single. I'm not going to think about finding anyone or trying to date for now until my birthday, then I will re-evaluate where I am. My one year program for Human Resources is September-June, so when I get there I will focus on that only. My primary focus after that will be a place of my own and a solid career. Once that is established then I will change my focus on dating again. If someone comes into the picture between now and then, or if she comes back, so be it, but it won't matter since my focus will have changed.
mightycpa Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I'm pretty sure I know the answer is to not do this.. but a friend of the ex's birthday is coming up and we were good friends during the relationship. She's still on my facebook and I just hid her stuff from my news feed so I'm not in danger of seeing anything I don't want to. Keep in mind, my ex currently resides in a different province in one of the most moronic situations and reasons you can concoct. So, should I send a HBD message to the friend or just leave it be? I am thinking to leave it be. Pros- 1. GF gave reasons why she was breaking up that some of her friends thought I didn't like them.. this would counter-act that a bit. 2. This girl did have some interest in me while I was with her friend.. and the ex does no longer live here. 3. She might mention it to my ex that she heard from me. Cons 1. I might hear something about the ex girlfriend and I don't want to. 2. If I ever did anything with this friend there would be absolutely no hope of reconciliation in the future. Which is a faint hope I will always hold until I find someone new. 3. She might mention it to my ex that she heard from me. Leave sleeping dogs lie, right?? You should not do that, because you've got your pros and cons all mixed up. I've rearranged them for you to make them correct: Pros- 1. This girl did have some interest in me while I was with her friend.. and the ex does no longer live here. 2. If I ever did anything with this friend there would be absolutely no hope of reconciliation in the future. Which is a faint hope I will always hold until I find someone new. Cons 1. I might hear something about the ex girlfriend and I don't want to. 2. She might mention it to my ex that she heard from me. Who cares - 1. GF gave reasons why she was breaking up that some of her friends thought I didn't like them.. this would counter-act that a bit.
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