My boyfriend is great but I can't get over the lack of emotion and romance

April 13, 2015

hi guys, new to this things. thought i'd finally ask the question and get the opinion of people who don't know me and can see the bigger picture and get an outsiders point of view. excuse the lack of capital letters.

a bit of background information. I met my boyfriend of 18 months online. compared with a lot of guys Ive dated he was undoubtedly the most genuine. I had been on dates and flings wih about 9 dfferent guys before him from online. other than those 'relationships', I had never been with a guy properly before. I am 26. I met my boyfriend when i was 25. He is two years older.

A little about me. I'm 26, oriental. I'm a Virgo and please do not slate me or judge me for stating so, but there is no other way I can explain my personality other than stating my star sign. I dont believe the fortune it tells and daily horoscopes etc. but i do, however, believe that a lot of people possess similar personality traits according to their star sign. anyway, I'm very critical of others (in my mind) and moreso about myself. If i do something wrong, i will literally beat myself up about it.....although this has gotten better over the years. I am very analytical, neat and tidy, organised and love romance, being spoiled....grew up watching very lame korean dramas...consisting of very idealistic love.

When I started online dated, it was not an intention of mine to find someone, I liked aaaaaall the attention and after meeting up with some guys i grew confident. I met my boyfriend in the town where he lived. i have to travel 2 hours to get to him and visa versa. he picked me up and the date progressed. from this day we were together. next couple of dates the usual honeymoon stage...talked alot, had lots of sex in one day when we were able to see eachother. he went on a holiday that he had booked ages before and when he came back i went to the airport to see him before he left on a train home. everything was cool....we even went to thailand 4 months after getting together. now....it was generally great memories from there....but this was when i started to see the solitude attitude that my boyfriend likes.

Whilst on holiday, for example, sometimes he would leave the hotel room....thinking im asleep...to go downstairs to the shops to get himself a drink. didnt get me one. I asked why he didnt get me anything or ask me....he said i was sleeping. to be fair i thought...ok new relationship...doesnt really know too much about me and what i like...i let it go.

we would sit on a the boat...overlooking a gorgeous scenary, he would lean over to the side of the boat and just soak it all in by himself. other couples i noticed had their arms around eachother, hugging, admiring the view. this was also the time we spent 2 weeks together, when usually it would only be 2-3 maximum. so when we started not having sex everyday...i got upset (to myself). As mentioned before, never had a relationship so i didnt know what to expect. at one point in the middle of the holiday....he had a message saying a friend instructor of his has gotten into a skiing accident and died in nepal. he suddenly told me he might have to leave to go to the funeral. in my mind i was very upset...why would he just leave me like that....but 'luckily' flights were too expensive. he had met this guy whilst climbing one year and he was a great guy and loved by a lot of people....selfishly i didnt want him to go....and i also felt it was mean of him to leave me there by myself too.

after that trip we've since gone to hong kong, where my extended faily are, and to korea. I, obviously organised everything. we stayed at families and didnt pay anything. i had to buy gifts and asked for money. I had owed him money previously and calculated an amount we agreed on. at the same time i also bought him tshirts, ck underwear because he said he needed them for the holiday and i have more time to go shopping than he does...he never paid that back. being a causcasian man, my boyfriend has adapted very well to my chinese customs, impressed my family in the sense he'll try anything. hes polite and take offerings without hestiation (if you say no...its rude in my culture). My boyfriend can be very stubborn and no is a no if he does not want to eat, do or say anything. therefore, i was very relieved and proud of him there. we went during christmas, a time where i prefer to be at home. my boyfriend hates all holidays and doesnt celebrate birthdays. since the holiday, we're hoping to book to go to japan later in the year.

now for the main bits. First year anniversary before our trip to hong kong....for some reason I decided to get a nice steak and osyters for a romantic dinner at my parents house. my parents were away so he came to stay with me for a couple of days. for ages i had talked about going to the shard...or places with a view...romantic dinner. he agreed...would be nice. for some reason we didnt go there for our anniversary. valentines day...weeks before I said to him that i wanted him to organise it...and for a long time I just figured my boyfriends not a romantic guy...or doesnt know how to be....so i suggested places.....surrey, hertfordshire, windsor. i suggested booking a table because they get busy....suggested activities.....i simply said...a little adventure similar to when we had our frst date and a nice dinner. if he sorts that out...i can book the hotel as my part of the deal. come two days before the weeknd of valentines day....he hadnt told me where we were going and by then all hotels were fully booked. We had a disagreement on the phone. i said, "i asked you to pick a place and book a table for dinner". he said, "well i didnt know did i." i replied, "i told you weeks before to organise something because i wanted to do something and now tables are fully booked and hotels are not avilable. if you didnt want to do anything then why did you say you were ok wiith it at the time". he simply said he didnt have a choice. he said he thought valentines day were a gimick and waste of peoples money. I cried sobbed silently on the phone and hung up on good terms. I dont know whether we sorted the weekend out by then or after i hung up. on the day we went to windsor, i drove, spent a nice day out...ordered pizza express and stayed at holiday inn.

My boyfriend is a lovely man. He is also a virgo and we have a lot in common that way. He is hoewver, an introvert. I know where he is all the time. If he's not at home, he's at the gym or at his parents house. He has a great paying job, has four days off a week, owns a nice car and a bike....veyr into his nice things, like I am. He may not spend money on regular things, but he will pay out on something he likes. He is good with his money and generally very good with his house and his things. He is very tidy for a guy and a perfectonist when making/doing things. he doesnt like going to clubs...and i doubt he has been to any and he says he doesnt have any friends...but the ones he does are married and have children.

Before i met my boyfriend, he had been single for 18 months and he had been with his ex girlfriend for 4 years. From what ive asked about her....he claims she was very lazy and although he was very upset after they broke up, they were mutually drifting apart. Recently i asked why he thinks we work and his previous girlfriends didnt, he said we are very much alike. I agree to some extent. my likes and dislikes are very similar to his, including the tastes of how we like the house to be....things we eat and things we like to do.

The issues that I have with my boyfriend (finally we're getting there!!!!) is that I dont feel that my boyfriend loves me enough. He has never really organised a day for us to go out and have dinner...go on a date. most of the time we are doing things is because i suggested them. He is quite undecisive as a person and Im glad I inspire him, since he says he loves me because I like doing things and staying active in that sense. However, sometimes I just want someone to take the lead. He has never bought me gifts.He did once buy me perfume at the airport when we went to thailand, but i had gone out of my way to get him cologne weeks before and he felt an obligation to reciprocate. He once bought me skiing lesson very early on into the relationship. My boyfriend pays for meals when we are out...buys me food. always pays for food etc when I stay at his house. he sent me flowers for our anniervsary, because i asked him to. i really wanted them and knew he wouldnt do things like that...so i thought it was best to just ask him to. the whole valentines day thing...i stiill get upset about....why wouldnt you just want to surprise me or take me out for the day? if not valentines day...another day? I dont expect him to fine wine and dine me all the time...and buy me expensive bags....but sometimes when youre least expecting it....wouldnt it be nice to get your favourite chocolate bar when he was on his way home and went to the shops. When i ask him to get me macdonalds for breakfast, he will go. When i ask him i want sweets, he will go. am i being too seflsih to want him to just do it without me asking?

I like to go out to eat and also to explore places. I havent been able to do these things because he says everything is expensive. Going out to eat is expensive. He doesnt like london, by the way, surprise surprise he thinks its over crowded and everything is expensive. and i know if i expect him to pay for dinner I shouldnt go to expensive places...but honestly...its hard to find dinner places that is only £20 altogether, in london. Our first couple of dates turned out to be over than i expected and he still paid, which i was grateful, but they were great fun and the food was awesome! I am happy to buy dinner also but if i can take him out to places nice, why do i have to consider his pockets too if he never bothers to organise somewhere to eat. I am a student and dont earn a lot of money, he does...aagain am i being selfish to expect him to pay out more? when we were in HK he didnt have to pay for a lot of meals and especially accomdation, but in return he didnt really consider that as savings to spend more when it iwas just us too. i like to play fair. if he buys coffee...i'll get the cake. he pays for dinner and i will pay for the rest of the day...ie lunch and drinks. I spend money all the time on cleaning stuff for his house. I wanted to get him nice bed sheets from laura ashley since he's doing his bedroom. I buy a lot of food from the chinese super market and sushi everytime i go to his place. I cook very well and clean up after myself. I do my fair share in the domestic side.

The biggest concern that i have is affection and lack of romance. Besides not wanting to surprise me with dates or gifts of any value, my boyfriend is not the most affectionate. he will not kiss me often unless i ask for a kiss. He will happily come in from work and do his own thing and not think to give me a hello kiss. His affection towards me has improved from very little...to enough for me not to complain and somehow i've adapted to asking for affection when i want it. again, is it too much to ask for him to just kiss me on the lips spontaneously? he will always says i love you first before he hangs up on the phone. A large majority of the time we are messaging and he doesnt always use appropriate emoticons to show affection. sometimes its one worded answers. makes me feel like i talk too much or say boring things. he never elaborates when he messages or talks. you have to ask the right questions. how was your day? good,. did you do anything nice? yes. what did you do. not much.......you understand. again...over a period of time its gotten better. sometimes when he does that i say something and he'll respond better for a while. We had sex...but not as often as i like. once every 4-5 days. because of the lack of affection, having sex is the only time i'm truly intimate with him. He doesnt like cuddling on the sofa. when i try to lean on him...hes not too keen. we cuddle the most in bed. during the night he stays well away from me. he no longers stays in bed with me in the morning. he will jump right up. before we would lie there and talk, cuddle maybe and maybe sex. I used to get upset when he would just leave me to sleep. He now gives me a little cuddle and kiss before he gets up. My boyfriend doesnt hold me by the waist. we hold hands in public. he wont hold me from behind when waiting, put his arm around me or defintelty no kissing in public. he says he doesnt like people kissing excessively in public ( i agree) and he likes affections but just not all the time. When we do kiss for longer than a peck...it's usually before we are intimate and it's not very good. I feel I do all the work.

In the end, i guess i want to ask. are we compatible? are we good as couple. am i doing enough in the relationship...too much? Am i asking to much of him? We dont ever argue. If i ever ever have a problem....i talk to him and he listens and tries to sort it out. ouru communication with eachother is undeniably perfect. we get on very well. But his lack of affection and overall prioritty of relationships is too different from mine. I want some to be my partner as well as a friend and lover. he says he can never afford to move to london, but he doesnt understand that i will contribute to half. he wants a big house but not pay london prices...but london is where my family and friends are. When im where hes from....i get so lonely and stuck in the house. and when im with him for so long, he has to start doing his own thing and going gym and reading without me....and then what am i supposed to do...i dont have friends and he gets sick of me being in the house together for too long. therefore...the future living arrangments are not looking bright. i am the one who goes to his town the most because he has his own house. When it comes to seeing me these days...its for one or two days and he never seems to be happy when out in london....but surely you should be happy to come see me. i go to him one week and he comes here one week. is that too much to ask for? so why is it i havent seen him for 2 weeks...and he comes for this one day before he goes to work the next day....before the three days he has off...he needs to do his garden.....well this all prompted back the memories anyway. I text him last night to suggest maybe if he's busy I'll go to him instead. He ignores my attempt to reconcile before bed. I even tried calling. This morning he asks when I want to come. I decided I shouldn't and say I haven't seen friends and he should just do his garden. He simply replies ok. I went back on my decision to go to his town again because I feel I am also the one visiting and making the effort to see him. I refuse to do that again". His garden is more important and if it's an inconvenience to come to see me then he can wait for longer. Did I do the right thing?

i have great respect for those who have read this thread. looking forward to some replies.

By the way, i love my boyfriend and i can feel he loves me too. Im just wondering if he loves me enough and if in fact we are good enough together to oversee problems in the future...considering the way he is (laid back and ok being alone ) and how I am (impulsive and hopeless romantic)

xxx

April 13, 2015

Why don't you talk to him about this.

Try to put it in a language he understands.

I feel very cared for and loved when you buy me flowers for our anniversary and randomly. It lets me know that you are thinking about me and it makes me love you a bit more...

When you hold my hand and kiss me I feel so proud to be with you. Like the luckiest girl alive. I would really like for you to do that more often.

He probably thinks he is showing he loves you by being rock steady and reliable all the time. He probably doesn't understand that you need these things to feel loved...

You can also ask him what things make him feel loved and wanted and cared for by you. I suspect that he likes that you organised the trips etc. He probably likes that you take control in that way and "look after" him in that way.

April 13, 2015

Thank you for your reply,

As previously mentioned our communication is very good. Whenever we have had disagreements....for example going out to do things I enjoy, spending money, being more affectionate...we've had those conversations. He explains himself and I try to tell him how much it means to me....the little things. Nothing changes. What I'm concerned about is if we're really right for eachother. I feel I will never be extremely be happy with someone who doesn't show me he loves me...and he will never be a romantic sort of guy. I was hoping maybe I'm just thinking too much and eventually we will meet half way?

April 13, 2015

Well your the one that has been privy to those conversations not us.

You know what was and wasn't agreed between you.

Take note of what he said and make your decision from there.

As a side note though. If you are looking for us to say yay dump him blagh blagh blagh... we probably won't. Thats your decision to make.

Can you live with him being as he is and not changing? Can you be happy like that?

If not its just compatibility issues. Happens all the time between good people.

April 13, 2015

I was actually hoping someone would say that I'm being an idiot and he's put up with me a lot of times when I've been fussing and upset over small things.

I want to know if people believe romance is necessary in the relationship? Or that the bigger things in a relationship....such as supporting eachother and communicating well are more valued and important. I personally feel romance is very important. I feel couples get content and compliant within a relationship and stop doing things for eachother, a big reason why some people cheat or find someone 'better'. I want to be in love with the same person by the time I'm 80 years old and unable to do anything else but stay at home all day. I feel if I were still in love, we would still have many things to talk about and if we went shopping we would be holding hands and using walking sticks. However, my boyfriend clearly does not prioritise romance as highly as I do, although he's responsible and will no doubt take good care of me in the future.

Maybe I'm confused. I don't know. I am very idealistic. Maybe I need to wake up and smell the roses.

April 13, 2015

Maybe I'm confused. I don't know. I am very idealistic. Maybe I need to wake up and smell the roses.

You certainly do.

Each and every person is different. Some relationships work very well with out romance, some wouldn't survive ten seconds with out.

If he is unable to change and you are going to constantly feel glum about it that will lead to bitterness and resentment in no time.

Relationships take more than just romance... they are a complex mix of many factors. You can't just say I want this and that and at these times etc. Life doesn't work like that. You have to find the person who is singing from the same song sheet even if sometimes they are a bit out of key...

You personally feel that romance is important and he doesn't. That in itself is a very basic and fundamental difference.

April 13, 2015

Thanks for your advice and words of wisdom!

April 13, 2015

It's just my opinion but I think if you both read the Five Love Languages book it would really help you out. It will help you understand how he expresses his love to you and vice versa. Receiving gifts is clearly a big one for you and once he can read and understand that the more effort he might make. But you really need to understand what his is as well. I'm pretty sure I already know. I think it might surprise you. Good luck

April 13, 2015

Thanks for the recommendation! Im up for a book that he can read and indirectly understand how I feel and visa versa. On Amazon right now!

April 14, 2015

I think both of you, if it is going to work, will have to meet somewhere in the middle.

You will probably have to lower your expectations for romance and he will have to step up the game.

If neither is willing to do this, then I guess a decision has to be made to either accept things the way they are or move on.

April 14, 2015

From my experience, your personal needs should be fulfilled in order for a relationship to work long term. Those needs and desires will not go away and will become the sticking out that drives you crazy.

IMO move on, you can not change people.

April 14, 2015

I was actually hoping someone would say that I'm being an idiot and he's put up with me a lot of times when I've been fussing and upset over small things.

I want to know if people believe romance is necessary in the relationship? Or that the bigger things in a relationship....such as supporting eachother and communicating well are more valued and important. I personally feel romance is very important. I feel couples get content and compliant within a relationship and stop doing things for eachother, a big reason why some people cheat or find someone 'better'. I want to be in love with the same person by the time I'm 80 years old and unable to do anything else but stay at home all day. I feel if I were still in love, we would still have many things to talk about and if we went shopping we would be holding hands and using walking sticks. However, my boyfriend clearly does not prioritise romance as highly as I do, although he's responsible and will no doubt take good care of me in the future.

Maybe I'm confused. I don't know. I am very idealistic. Maybe I need to wake up and smell the roses.

You're certainly not being an idiot for expecting to have your needs met. At the end of the day, we all want to feel wanted, and it sounds like he is not making you feel that way. We cannot make judgement of you, your boyfriend, or your relationship, but you have to ask yourself the questions. Are you happy or are you settling? You cannot hold onto these feelings and expect to have a fulfilling, loving relationship. You will need to open up to your boyfriend and not only make it clear how you feel, but what you need in the relationship

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