laelithia Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I'll try and keep this as concise as possible. I dated C for a few months about a year ago, but I ended it because I didn't think he was seeing me enough (I think at the time I was very needy, didn't have a lot going on in my social life). Anyway, we always remained friends, and at times, friends with benefits. He has told me in the past that he hasn't had any serious relationships, and often alluded to having intimacy issues, but I kind of let it slide and didn't push it after our breakup. I didn't see the point to ask about it or figure it out, to be honest. Anyway, about a two months ago I stopped seeing someone, and started reconnecting more with C. We began seeing a lot of each other on a casual basis, which I was fine. However, about a month ago I noticed he started to pull away, and then one weekend he completely ignored all contact from me which was completely new. I accused him of dating someone else, and still no response. Finally I just let it go, figuring that was the end of us and I shouldn't have started in the first place. A few days later, however, he wrote me a letter and sent it by email. It was quite long, and very eye opening. He was very forthcoming about issues that had happened in his past, including his childhood, that affected how he is today. He also confessed to having sex with someone during the weekend I suspected. What surprised me about this was the level of guilt and shame he felt about it. We had not discussed being exclusive, and although I was upset and hurt, he technically wasn't doing anything wrong. In fact, I had also been with someone recently, but didn't feel the need to tell him as we had not discussed other partners and I only have protected sex. Fast forward to now, he has actually completely stepped up in what I would consider a boyfriend role, even though I did not push for or even ask for it. He calls me everyday, keeps up with what's going on in my life, and opened up emotionally more in the week following the letter than he did the entire time we dated last year. I would say emotionally, we're closer than ever. He's affectionate and caring, and really everything I wanted in the first go of our relationship. There is one catch however, he seems to be slow to initiate sex again. Which is out of character, as before the letter and the other girl, he was always very sexual with me. Now, he seems distant in that area, even though we often sleep together and he is cuddly and all that. For a while, he said he had a rash, for which he went to the doctor to get checked and tested. His results came back clear, and the doctor said the rash was likely a yeast infection (who knew men could get those!) and that it would go away. He seemed very self conscious and almost ashamed of all this, so I did not push it in the coming days, and even weeks. However, over the weekend I finally asked him about it, and he said he had actually been healed for some time, but didn't say anything because he's "afraid" of sex now. Again, I didn't push this but I'm not sure if he meant after he got the rash from it, or after he had really opened up emotionally. Anyway, we did end up having sex and it seemed fine. However, last night he slept over at mine and we didn't have sex. I'm not sure if he's taking it slow because of everything that's happened, or he's more interested in me in a platonic way now. Either way, I'm unsure of what my next moves should be, and I'm worried that I might end up getting hurt.
jen1447 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Are you sure he's not aware of your recent hookup?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 He might be making a real effort to connect with you properly before introducing sex into the equation again. Hard to say.
smackie9 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Why are you coming here with this? He is the only one you should be talking to. If you want this to work you yourself will have to open up to him. Didn't his letter open your eyes??? Now it's your turn to open his eyes! Communicate your concerns or you will never get this sorted out.
Redhead14 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I'll try and keep this as concise as possible. I dated C for a few months about a year ago, but I ended it because I didn't think he was seeing me enough (I think at the time I was very needy, didn't have a lot going on in my social life). Anyway, we always remained friends, and at times, friends with benefits. He has told me in the past that he hasn't had any serious relationships, and often alluded to having intimacy issues, but I kind of let it slide and didn't push it after our breakup. I didn't see the point to ask about it or figure it out, to be honest. Anyway, about a two months ago I stopped seeing someone, and started reconnecting more with C. We began seeing a lot of each other on a casual basis, which I was fine. However, about a month ago I noticed he started to pull away, and then one weekend he completely ignored all contact from me which was completely new. I accused him of dating someone else, and still no response. Finally I just let it go, figuring that was the end of us and I shouldn't have started in the first place. A few days later, however, he wrote me a letter and sent it by email. It was quite long, and very eye opening. He was very forthcoming about issues that had happened in his past, including his childhood, that affected how he is today. He also confessed to having sex with someone during the weekend I suspected. What surprised me about this was the level of guilt and shame he felt about it. We had not discussed being exclusive, and although I was upset and hurt, he technically wasn't doing anything wrong. In fact, I had also been with someone recently, but didn't feel the need to tell him as we had not discussed other partners and I only have protected sex. Fast forward to now, he has actually completely stepped up in what I would consider a boyfriend role, even though I did not push for or even ask for it. He calls me everyday, keeps up with what's going on in my life, and opened up emotionally more in the week following the letter than he did the entire time we dated last year. I would say emotionally, we're closer than ever. He's affectionate and caring, and really everything I wanted in the first go of our relationship. There is one catch however, he seems to be slow to initiate sex again. Which is out of character, as before the letter and the other girl, he was always very sexual with me. Now, he seems distant in that area, even though we often sleep together and he is cuddly and all that. For a while, he said he had a rash, for which he went to the doctor to get checked and tested. His results came back clear, and the doctor said the rash was likely a yeast infection (who knew men could get those!) and that it would go away. He seemed very self conscious and almost ashamed of all this, so I did not push it in the coming days, and even weeks. However, over the weekend I finally asked him about it, and he said he had actually been healed for some time, but didn't say anything because he's "afraid" of sex now. Again, I didn't push this but I'm not sure if he meant after he got the rash from it, or after he had really opened up emotionally. Anyway, we did end up having sex and it seemed fine. However, last night he slept over at mine and we didn't have sex. I'm not sure if he's taking it slow because of everything that's happened, or he's more interested in me in a platonic way now. Either way, I'm unsure of what my next moves should be, and I'm worried that I might end up getting hurt. You open a casual, non-confrontational conversation with him. Say something like "I'm enjoying the time we spend together and feeling closer to you now, however, I am sensing a little distance between us sexually. Is there anything at this point you would like to talk about? And, let him talk.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 It seems counter-intuitive. But a lot of guys (me included) will push for sex faster with women we don't feel a deep connection with, and delay sex with women that we actually like and care about. It's our way of trying to show that it isn't just about sex. I'll give you an example. I agreed to be exclusive with my GF before we had sex. Even when I decide to focus on one woman, I'll usually have sex with her for at least a month or more before exclusive comes up. But with my GF, it wasn't a hard decision. Also, even though we've had sex multiple times and have amazing sexual chemistry, I've planned public dates that ended in just a kiss goodnight. After all, we're still getting to know each other. Then to take it one step further, we discussed going bareback from now on once the sex increases. But she has to go on birth control which won't finalize for a few weeks. So we agreed to wait and not have sex again until then. Now I won't lie and say that sex with her isn't on my mind daily because it is. But these are all things that I'm doing to show her with my actions that I want her for her. 1
central Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Well, the best thing to do is talk to him. However, if that doesn't work and the quantity of sex remains below what you really want despite asking, then something has changed and probably won't be regained. Mismatched sex drives are the downfall of many developing - and existing - relationships. It is almost always better to move on than trap yourself in a sexually mismatched relationship.
Author laelithia Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Well it happened again tonight and I finally brought it up and asked if he's attracted to me anymore or not. He said his sex drive has been nonexistent since "the incident". I'm still confused but he doesn't seem to want to talk anout it at all, and the last thing I want to do is shame him or scare him away. I just said I didn't mean to push it and that I worried it was me. He didn't say anything to that. He's been so amazing lately, just this one issue we're having. I wonder if there's more to it than there seems. It's just strange that before our relationship was seemingly based on sex, and now it's everything but. Which is nice in its own way, I just wish I could have both with him
katiegrl Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Google "madonna/whore syndrome." Some men are only capable of feeling sexual desire for women they are NOT emotionally close to and DON'T have feelings for (i.e. whore).. Once they get close to and develop feelings for a woman, (i.e madonna), as much as they love the woman, in his eyes she is now "pure" and he becomes uncomfortable being sexual with her. You should google it, it will make more sense. It indicates a *fear of intimacy* of sorts. Now that he has allowed himself to feel emotional with you, he feels to "vulnerable" to be sexual. It's just *too much*, his fears too great to allow himself to feel "that" vulnerable. It's complicated stuff, but it sounds like this may be the issue, and why he is uncomfortable talking about it...
Gary S Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 He was scared because before the diagnosis, he worried that he might have a serious disease... he did not know. Men have feelings too ya know. He's a human being. I'm sure he'll forget about it in time, and you two will be having a normal sex life again before you know it. People love to worry about things that will probably never happen. It isn't rocket science! Have a bunny Katigirl
SycamoreCircle Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I agree with Gary. Men aren't machines. We don't just pump out sperm at factory standard. We have highs and lows. I'm not sure how you approached him but going the route of "Are you not attracted to me?" indicates real insecurity on your part and is not a constructive way of broaching the subject, in my opinion. Why immediately jump to that conclusion? I'm also doubtful of the way in which your relationship came about. What does it say about the two of you- more specifically, you? Why such a "restless" beginning? Have your other relationships started with such uncertainty? Is that a pattern for you? Is it more exciting for you?
katiegrl Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) He was scared because before the diagnosis, he worried that he might have a serious disease... he did not know. Men have feelings too ya know. He's a human being. I'm sure he'll forget about it in time, and you two will be having a normal sex life again before you know it. People love to worry about things that will probably never happen. It isn't rocket science! Have a bunny Katigirl His diagnosis? Of a minor yeast infection that is very common and his doctor had assured him had cleared? No I believe his issues go way deeper than that my friend. Look at all the hot/cold, push/pull behavior he exhibited *before* he allowed himself to get emotionally close. For years apparently. He felt LOTS of sexual desire then, no problem! But *now* that they have become emotionally close, nothing? No sexual desire at all? Come on now. To blame that on a very common yeast infection that has already cleared up is ludicrous. His issues go much deeper, which he may need therapy to resolve. "Fear of intimacy" issues are very complex, and I would bet my right arm that that is s big part of what is happening. Research it! You will understand. Edited April 14, 2015 by katiegrl
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Sounds like he's a bit worried about this "rash"...probably had unprotected sex with another woman, and might not have told you everything the doctor told him...therefore for now he might be a little wary that he might give you something, maybe he's bummed out or just in shock he almost or might have an STD. I'd hang back if I were you, you seem to be the type of girl that just kind of anxiously waits around and wonders what a guy is thinking without actually asking him directly anything...instead you play the waiting game, which is very ineffective in getting men to be honest, like completely honest. I don't think you guys have a future either, he may have emotional issues but If you think they're going to change in a snap just for you, the jokes going to be on you in the end. It's not going to go anywhere, he will eventually pull away again...especially now since you're not just his exclusive side sex-toy and you actually know how he feels...I'm sure that's going to make him feel quite uncomfortable, he's just using you as an emotional sponge though, it doesn't mean his romantic feelings are growing for you even though that's something you're hoping for...he doesn't see you in that light, he'll choose another girl to take a chance with, he just needs time to find her...again. 1
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) I think he is lying about the yeast infection and he suspects he has an std. Yeast infection in men is very painful and has the exact same symptoms as genital herpes. Also yeast infection never clear on its own you need treatment, but herpes will clear on its own (but stays in your nervous system for life) If I were you I would not have sex again with him for 3 months and then ask for a full std screening demanding hsv-1 and 2. If he has herpes his test will still come back negative for the next 2-3 months as it takes that amount of time for the body to build antibodies. I am pretty sure his doctor told him to get tested again in 2 months. It's normal procedure! There is NO way in hell his doctor looked at the negative test and said: oh well I guess it's just a yeast infection. No doctor ever would do that, they would require a repeat test scheduled 2-3 months later. Edited April 14, 2015 by Gaeta 1
Author laelithia Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 His diagnosis? Of a minor yeast infection that is very common and his doctor had assured him had cleared? No I believe his issues go way deeper than that my friend. Look at all the hot/cold, push/pull behavior he exhibited *before* he allowed himself to get emotionally close. For years apparently. He felt LOTS of sexual desire then, no problem! But *now* that they have become emotionally close, nothing? No sexual desire at all? Come on now. To blame that on a very common yeast infection that has already cleared up is ludicrous. His issues go much deeper, which he may need therapy to resolve. "Fear of intimacy" issues are very complex, and I would bet my right arm that that is s big part of what is happening. Research it! You will understand. Unfortunately I think you're on to something here. Prior to all the emotional outpouring, I was like the "whore" and our sex life was amazing. Now, after everything that's happened and after he sees me almost daily, calls me, texts me, nothing. I guess now I'm the "Madonna". He has deep emotional wounds from childhood that he expressed in the letter and I don't think these will be resolved without counselling. I think he cares about me as much as he can in his situation but for whatever reason, things are different now and I don't foresee hm being sexually attracted to me anytime soon. I care about him deeply and want to be there for him as one of the few people who know of everything he's gone through, but it is so difficult. My mom has become ill with cancer and I don't think at this moment I'm strong enough emotionally to handle all of this. I just wish he could offer me some support the way I have in the past...
Author laelithia Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 You know, I realized this isn't even worth asking about. If he cared enough about me none of this would be an issue. All he would have to do is be honest and open and he just isn't. I don't feel I can discuss anything emotional with him, just vice versa. I know better, I've dated selfish men in the past. I think I just gave this one more credit because of his traumatic past. But the truth is, it's no excuse if you truly care about someone. I've been such a fool
Author laelithia Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Well I caught him on tinder and called him asking about it. He didn't have much to say other than he hasn't met up anyone. I kind of let it go but this morning I saw he had added a new girl on Facebook, clearly from tinder. So I kind of snapped and he got defensive. I asked him why he was on tinder at all, he said "I guess in case we don't work out". I regret now not asking him if he wanted it to. Instead I told him I've always been honest and shown him respect and expected the same from him. After we cooled off he sent " I'm not interested in talking at all for a while". I know I shouldn't have attacked him or backed him in a corner but that is so cold of him, I'm not sure I could forgive it
thecharade Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 No, no, no! Don't blame yourself! He apologized for being with someone else . . . and then he got on Tinder???? He is messed up. You had it right. Now that you are close, he needs new non-committal sex. Intimacy issues are so sad. I am sorry. This really sucks. Guys like this that I know ending up marrying some Betty Crocker and then cheating their entire marriages. They won't allow sex and love in one relationship.
Author laelithia Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 I'm so struggling with this. I hate that I didn't have the patience to talk to him about this rationally, instead I sent a horrible string of texts accusing him of sleeping with other people, lying about everything (when he had poured his heart out to me about his past), and putting me in danger by sleeping around. I didn't have proof of any of that, in fact the last 2 weeks I had seen him almost every day and night. He hates feeling like he doesn't have his freedom and I essentially acted like I owned him. I asked him if he had been happy during the past three months like I had and he answered with "I don't know. Monitor my social media channels a little closer and maybe you'll figure it out". I had no right to assume all this crap when he has been so good to me in the past while. He even came over while I was writing my thesis to make dinner and save movies for us to watch. He's been in my life in some capacity for almost 2 years now and I'm worried he's gone. I don't know when everything shifted but it used to be me that cared less and was dating other people. Now that I thought we were closer than ever it's so much more painful to say goodbye
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Well I caught him on tinder and called him asking about it. He didn't have much to say other than he hasn't met up anyone. I kind of let it go but this morning I saw he had added a new girl on Facebook, clearly from tinder. So I kind of snapped and he got defensive. I asked him why he was on tinder at all, he said "I guess in case we don't work out". I regret now not asking him if he wanted it to. Instead I told him I've always been honest and shown him respect and expected the same from him. After we cooled off he sent " I'm not interested in talking at all for a while". I know I shouldn't have attacked him or backed him in a corner but that is so cold of him, I'm not sure I could forgive it Oh for god's sake, don't ask him anything, just walk away...this ship has sailed. It's over. Sorry.
Author laelithia Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Oh for god's sake, don't ask him anything, just walk away...this ship has sailed. It's over. Sorry. Do you think had I been calmer and more patient and let things happen naturally he would have come around? I was honestly flabbergasted when he sent the letter and how sweet he was after (minus the no sex part). I get along so well with his group of friends and used to watch him play hockey twice a week. I'm so disheartened that it's all gone now. He's never had a serious relationship before, really any relationship except for me. I feel like if I had played my cards better things would have been different
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Do you think had I been calmer and more patient and let things happen naturally he would have come around? I was honestly flabbergasted when he sent the letter and how sweet he was after (minus the no sex part). I get along so well with his group of friends and used to watch him play hockey twice a week. I'm so disheartened that it's all gone now. He's never had a serious relationship before, really any relationship except for me. I feel like if I had played my cards better things would have been different No sweetie, in fact had you been "patient" his behavior would have become MORE bizarre. He has serious intimacy issues, and NOTHING you do or don't do is gonna change that. Did you read my earlier post? I had him pegged right from the getgo. Just walk away.... you can't help him...his issues are too old and too deep. He needs professional help to help him resolve.
Author laelithia Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 No sweetie, in fact had you been "patient" his behavior would have become MORE bizarre. He has serious intimacy issues, and NOTHING you do or don't do is gonna change that. Did you read my earlier post? I had him pegged right from the getgo. Just walk away.... you can't help him...his issues are too old and too deep. He needs professional help to help him resolve. Logically I know you're right. It had seemed so much like he was getting "better", he was playing the boyfriend role perfectly except for the sexual piece. We were having so much fun together, every day was light hearted and silly. I wish honestly that I hadn't have confronted him and let it be like that a little longer. Everyone says you should just a man by his actions and not his words. His actions really were ideal for me.. I felt cared about and special
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