After 13 years with one man how can I be comfortable in bed with another

[Sheena]

This is my first time on these forums. I was looking for 2 days for a good site and luckily came across this one:)

 

So I have been recently separated and plan on following through with a divorce. I will abridge the last 13 years so you can get the whole idea of what I am wanting advice on.

 

At 18 I found out I was pregnant, we moved in together and because we needed money I started to work and ended up working right up until the birth. 1 month later went back to work. 3 years later he was still not gainfully employed and low and behold I had my 2nd. 3 years later to that, my 3rd, and he was still in between jobs. He was never ambitious oh he would talk the talk but never walk the walk. I would work back shift come home get the kids off to school, day care, sleep when the youngest slept etc.. He was not a stay at home dad because I would come home and still do the cleaning and child rearing. My parents would go insane over this which also caused great tension in my life. Anyway eventually he turned into another dependent instead of a partner. I couldn't take it anymore and said if I am going to do it myself then I will be by myself and asked him to leave.

 

Now I am 33 years old, still attractive (I feel) but here is my dilemma. I have met this nice guy and we have decided to take the relationship to the next level. He lives about 4 hours from me so he is coming down for a few days. I am extremely nervous that my body is going to not be what he expects. My chest is not where it should be (3 kids) and although I am under in my weight ( separation diet ) I have a slight bit of excess skin on my stomach coupled with a bikini scar. Also the below the navel stretch marks. Looking at me dressed you don't notice these things but naked is a different story What do I do? I really want to be with this guy as I am extremely attracted to him but what if he opens the package and wants to return the gift? I have been with only 1 man in the last 15 years no one besides my OBGYN has seen me naked. My friend said that I am obsessed with this problem and not to worry about it (easy though for her to say she doesn't have any birth battle scars lol) Maybe someone has already went through this out there and can help me.

 

Thank you all for your help.

 

Excited and Terrified at the same Time

 

Sheena

[Devildog]

I think you are getting worked up over nothing. This guy is certainly aware of your age and status as a 3 time mother correct? I am sure he isn't expecting an 18 year old cheerleader body.

 

The only likelihood that he would want to "return the gift" is if he were a very shallow person, and if that is the case you would be better off with someone else anyway.

[Sheena]

Yes he does know I have 3 children and my age. I know I am probably being overly critical of myself but I can't help it. You are right though Devildog if he doesn't like the package he isn't worth it but I am at a critical stage it took great strength to ask my husband to leave I don't want my emotions making me question what I know is the right decision to leave him....do you know what I mean?

[Devildog]

Trust me, I know what you mean. There is a thread on this board titled "hear ya knockin but ya can't come in". A bunch of us asked ourselves these same questions not long ago. Take a look at it and see if it helps you any.

[Sheena]

I tried to look for that thread but couldn't find it can you help me out?

[quankanne]

welcome to the board sheena!

 

What do I do? I really want to be with this guy as I am extremely attracted to him but what if he opens the package and wants to return the gift? I have been with only 1 man in the last 15 years no one besides my OBGYN has seen me naked. My friend said that I am obsessed with this problem and not to worry about it (easy though for her to say she doesn't have any birth battle scars lol)

 

ahhhhhhhhh .... I don't think any woman here has felt awkward about her body at one time or another, and getting out of a long-term relationship on top of that can be hellacious on your self-esteem.

 

some advice from someone who has always been "pleasantly plump," and knows how to question her self-image: what you have to offer (battle scars and all!) is your gift to someone. it's not as much the package, but what is inside, and if what's inside is pleasing in and of itself, the rest doesn't matter.

 

a partner or a potential partner who makes you feel ashamed of yourself is someone who needs to be dumped, FAST. life is much too short to put up with that kind of jackass, expecially when the odds are incredibly in your favor of meeting someone who can appreciate you for all that you are.

 

now go enjoy your man

[Devildog]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56715/

 

This is the link for the thread I mentioned. A number of different issues discussed, regaining trust in others, stuff like that. It might help you.

[Lucky Dog]

Keep this in mind too...

 

Her wouldn't be driving 4 hours for just a shag. He must like other parts of you too. Think of yourself as the whole package, and not just the physical attributes, since he must like the 'inner' you or he wouldn't be coming to see you

 

Relax and have fun!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by Lucky Dog

Keep this in mind too...

 

Her wouldn't be driving 4 hours for just a shag. He must like other parts of you too. Think of yourself as the whole package, and not just the physical attributes, since he must like the 'inner' you or he wouldn't be coming to see you

 

Relax and have fun!

 

Exactly!

 

This guy wants more than sex if he is driving that far to be with you. Be with him. If it is worth having, it is who you are that he wants, not just you body. If he truly cares about you, you will be beautiful to him (and you probably are quite beautiful, just being overly hard on yourself).

 

Enjoy

[Sheena]

Wow you guys are great I so appreciate all the advice. The thread was really enlightening too....I can't believe guys actually are as nervous as women. My STBXH did a number on my mind more than I thought. He took a woman who was independent,strong, and smart and changed her into a insecure old hag (33 feeling 80) lucky for me I am getting out. I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl. I mean he never physically abused me, no drugs or alcohol. Just wore down my lust for life until I was a mouse in a wheel just working to support us all and to support him both emotionally and financially. If it weren't for my parents at times I don't know what would have happened. I resent him for that more than anything. Some examples:

 

* I was 21 years old and a bar-maid-he wasn't working- and here I was pregnant with my 2nd slinging bear to drunks until 2 am every morning (I did this right up to 8 months pregnant) He would come to the bar ask me for some money and sit and enjoy a beer while he watched me work Oh and did I mention I was actually bitten on my for-arm one night by a guy that looked like he was from the WWF broke the skin and everything. I look back and think if he was a decent person he would have stopped me from working immediately and gone and got a job.

 

*The one that did 'er in- 2003 he was working away (wow working!!) in New Brunswick and I was home working and dealing with the kids. On January 10th I was called in to my doctor's office sat down and told at the age of 31 that I had Cervical cancer and needed an emergency hysterectomy. January 17th had the surgery. He came home to visit me in the hospital and was really and idiot. My parents came to live with me for a few weeks to help me recover. February 20th my mother thought she had a touch of pneumonia and went to the hospital to get checked- she called back 7 hours later and we had to go meet with the doctor. She was diagnosed with Lymphoma and they needed to start treating her ASAP there was 5-6 lbs of fluid built up in her lungs that need to be removed plus around the heart. So now I am terrified of losing my mother, I had to take care of my Father who was immobilized with fear of losing her (my dad is a true Scotchman he loves his wife so much he almost told her once ) and had three kids to look after plus healing myself. Fast forward to 13 days later I get a call from the STBXH and he starts crying saying he has been having an affair for the last 2 months with another woman because he thought I didn't love him anymore. WTF!!!!!!!! Tells me on the phone after all of the above going on.

 

And yes like a moron I took him back....he lied to this woman told her he was single and by the time he told her the truth it was too late because she had fallen in love with him...I really didn't blame her but him I did.

 

I don't know where the strength or determination came but finally I said get out and I meant it and it's done. Oh he calls and begs and says he knows now he was an ass and bla bla bla. But I don't care I am loving my life now feel good about myself and my boys are not learning that it is OK not to work for a living and support your family they will learn from me that you work hard to play hard.

 

 

I know that I am writing a lot but this is purging to me. So please bare with me:)

 

I am really excited and terrified about my upcoming meeting with this guy but you know what your right if he doesn't like the package then the package doesn't like him.

 

So ladies and gentlemen after 15 years of heartache and broken dreams and 3 absolutely beautiful children....Stella's got her groove back:)

 

No just to figure out what to do with it lol

 

 

********************

Best advice ever:

 

There will be days that you love him and days that you hate him, when the hate dates outnumber the love days get out!!!!!!

 

My mother said that to me the day I got married!!!!

[VirginiaB]

Stop worrying about your body - if this guy is interested in you he's not going to care about your flaws or imperfections. The trick is to ACT confident and sexy with him. Don't be insecure - act like you're the hottest thing on the planet and he should feel priveledged to be with you.

 

Men find confidence sexier than body flaws. Tell yourself you're beautiful and a great catch.

 

I'm 43 and at my age everything is getting flabby and going south but it's all a matter of acceptance. I have a spare tire around my stomach that I'm working on to flatten but unless I get a tummy tuck I'm never going to look like I did in my 20's.

 

A man who really loves me will love ME for who I am or he can take a hike. While my girlfriends are getting boob jobs and botox I am going to age gracefully.

 

Body image is all in your mind. Think you are sexy and beautiful and others will think you are too. Hard to do but just keep talking to yourself and ACT confident (whether you are or not).

[Sheena]

OK so last night after talking to him online for a while I just put it out there that I as a little nervous about seeing him again as it has been 13 years bla bla bla and he said that he was nervous to as he just got out of a 9 year relationship so hasn't been with anyone else in almost 9 years. Phew! that was a relief. So I do feel much more relaxed now so to speak.

 

You all helped me out greatly and I appreciate it:) You sometimes you think you are the only one going through something and you don't realize there are other people in the exact same boat.

 

Now if the STBXH would just stop hounding me to work it out I would be all set to move on.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sheena,

 

I'm kinda with you girl..... it had been 13 years for me too!

 

I'm 37 and have had two kids. I had never spent the nite with another man besides my exh until I met my boyfriend (as in sleeping over).

 

I told myself what the heck? He knew my age and I think my body is in pretty good shape for my age and the fact that I've had two kids. I also know deep down that I rock in bed so this gave me a little confidence.

 

It was fine, he thinks I'm perfect and beautiful. My main body flaw I think is my rear. It's curvy and round and kinda big, IMO. He loves it- he thinks it's my BEST body part!

 

The worst thing you can do is be down on yourself or to insist on hiding your body. Guys hate that.

 

Whatever ya got flaunt it girlie!

[RecordProducer]

Dear Sheena, there's nothing I can tell you make you feel god as in "looks are not important" because you know they are. But luckily not as much as you (or I) think.

You're attarctive and this guy has been with women who haven't been perfect before either.

If your boobs are not good then he will just not touch them too much, but he might actually like what you think is not good. Stretch marks men don't care about!!! Believe me.

None of my guys (and I have twins' stretch marks, lots of them, has been bothered by them). What guys really don't like is fat women. That's the only thing I've noticed.

[Sheena]

yeah I know you girls are right and thanks for letting me know it:) You know I feel I am damn good in bed so your right that does give me confidence when I think about it.

 

Now does anyone have any advice on how to get the X to stop calling and asking for a reconciliation? I told him over and over I don't love him anymore that I want to move on etc he just keeps calling and hounding me. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have but he is backing me into a corner where I am going to have to start being mean.

 

 

any advice would be great

 

Thank you all so much

[SoleMate]

Two things: First, your body is perfect. It may not look that way to you, but trust me, as long as you are somewhere in the neighborhood of normal, which you clearly are, a man who loves you and has strong feelings for you, and you for him, will look at you and think, "YESSSS!!!" Not, "....hmmm...she needs to tighten up." You are WAY more critical than any (male) lover will ever be. Chances are, he will be overwhelmed with gratitude and joy the first time you take off your clothes for him and make love to him (doesn't have to both be the same night - do what feels right to YOU).

 

Second, the way to get STBXH out of your life is to go NC, immediately, with the possible exception of the necessaries about the kids. Doesn't sound like he's an essential part of their life, sad to say.

 

BTW - the 8 month pregnant barmaid story is just sickening - not what you did, but his laziness. Yes, any man above the level of a chimpanzee would look at his pregnant wife working her pregnant rear off - I can only imagine how utterly exhausting that would have been for you - and would not wait for her to get her arm bitten by a psychopathic customer before he took that load off her shoulders and onto his. I know he is the father of your children, but he sounds like a major sh*thead to me.

 

...I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have...

You're way too nice, honey. He's "hurt" because he can't continue to force you to drag his dead weight through life. That's not real hurt, in my book. YOU ARE NOT HURTING HIM - he is just reaping the inevitable consequence of his own bad behavior. For any crocoidle tear he may shed now, I am sure you have already cried 1000 real tears from exhaustion, hopelessness, feelings of betrayal, resentment, getting put down, feeling like a caged animal in service of this dead weight.

[Sheena]

Soulmate your words were so nice to hear. I really get what you are saying too. The no contact is something I have started since Sunday night ...if he calls and it's is not to do with the kids then I say see ya and hang up.

 

My father said the same thing that you did "he can't handle losing his security blanket" I too feel that deep down that is his problem. Do I care anymore NOPE! I am finally feeling 33 yrs old not 33 going on 88 like a mouse in a wheel. I feel alive it's great:)

 

I hope you all realize what a help just your words are to me and how the keep me resolved to my decision.

 

God Bless you all.

 

Sincerely Sheena

[Mz. Pixie]

Let us know how it goes girlie as soon as you take the plunge so to speak.

 

I didn't comment on stories about your h but yeah, I've heard alot of stories here on LS and yours is one of the worst ones.

 

Stay firm!

 

Doesn't it feel good to feel alive again??