firefly1 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) Hi guys, would appreciate your help! I'm a 27 year old girl and I met this great guy a couple of weeks ago at a friends party. We had good chemistry and I was left hoping to see him again. He seemed to quite like me. A week later I did see him again and he still seemed to like me- for example, he seeks me out in the room to talk to me and he doesn't do this for other people. we didn't exchange numbers although he did ask me for my name card (is that a roundabout way to ask for my number?) I felt quite happy that he liked me and I also liked him. Yesterday we bumped into each other for the third time. after chatting for a bit he asked what I was doing for dinner. I said no plans yet so we decided to go eat dinner together. We talked until the restaurant actually closed so over three hours... Is that a good sign? He is really clever, and went to Harvard, he was abroad for 12 years in a foreign country working. He told me his age and I was really surprised cos I thought he couldn't be more than 30...It turned out that he was actually 38. He really looks very young and dresses very young. He was pretty sheepish about his age cos he feels like 38 is really old. Do you think he is too old for me? He seems a really nice guy and I do like him. He also remembered every little thing I told him previously the two other times I met him. Remembering little details like that is surely a good sign he likes me? And he would mirror my movements too Edited April 13, 2015 by firefly1
neowulf Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Do you think he is too old for me? He seems a really nice guy and I do like him. He also remembered every little thing I told him previously the two other times I met him. Remembering little details like that is surely a good sign he likes me? And he would mirror my movements too Ok, without being ageist, here's the things about this age gap. He has 12 years of additional life experience on you. That's doesn't seem like a big deal at first, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it affected the power dynamic in the relationship. Secondly, does he want kids? Because he's really at the stage where if it got serious, he'd be wanting to start a family in the next few years. Is that something you'd be open too? Thirdly, at this point your life, that 12 year age gap doesn't seem like a big deal. However, when you're 40.. he'll be 52. Now, that doesn't *have* to big deal, if the guy really works at keeping in shape.. but for a lot a guys, he's going to be slowing down well before you do. True, these are all long term views. But they're questions worth asking before you go and invest too heavily.
No_Go Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 11 years is still acceptable age gap (more than that in my experience gets annoying... But mainly because of the weird reactions of people, haha, if you're smarter than me and ignore it - good for you) Having said that, at 38 he might be in a stage where he wants to settle down, have kids etc. Which could be a good thing, depending on your own vision. Just make sure you're on the same page. Hi guys, would appreciate your help! I'm a 27 year old girl and I met this great guy a couple of weeks ago at a friends party. We had good chemistry and I was left hoping to see him again. He seemed to quite like me. A week later I did see him again and he still seemed to like me- for example, he seeks me out in the room to talk to me and he doesn't do this for other people. we didn't exchange numbers although he did ask me for my name card (is that a roundabout way to ask for my number?) I felt quite happy that he liked me and I also liked him. Yesterday we bumped into each other for the third time. after chatting for a bit he asked what I was doing for dinner. I said no plans yet so we decided to go eat dinner together. We talked until the restaurant actually closed so over three hours... Is that a good sign? He is really clever, and went to Harvard, he was abroad for 12 years in a foreign country working. He told me his age and I was really surprised cos I thought he couldn't be more than 30...It turned out that he was actually 38. He really looks very young and dresses very young. He was pretty sheepish about his age cos he feels like 38 is really old. Do you think he is too old for me? He seems a really nice guy and I do like him. He also remembered every little thing I told him previously the two other times I met him. Remembering little details like that is surely a good sign he likes me? And he would mirror my movements too
road Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I seen more marriages have problems from large age gaps. Ideal is for the woman to be the same age to four years younger then the man. I think that past 5 years will be more noticeable as you both age. I would not want to see more then a 9 year spread.
stillafool Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Hi guys, would appreciate your help! I'm a 27 year old girl and I met this great guy a couple of weeks ago at a friends party. We had good chemistry and I was left hoping to see him again. He seemed to quite like me. A week later I did see him again and he still seemed to like me- for example, he seeks me out in the room to talk to me and he doesn't do this for other people. we didn't exchange numbers although he did ask me for my name card (is that a roundabout way to ask for my number?) You are not a girl but a woman. I don't think the age difference is a big thing if you both like each other. Go for it. 4
Mrlonelyone Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) OP the general rule is 1/2 of the older persons age (usually the man) plus seven years. (Age disparity in sexual relationships - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) That is a good article on the subject. While it is true in 33% of marriages the husband and wife are within one year in 5% of marriages it is a gap as big as yours. The half plus seven rule for a 38 year old man would say that. 38/2 +7 = 26. 26 is the youngest he should go. So you being 27 are within the range that it is ok for him to date without it being strange. My last serious ex and I had a 12 year gap. Her father put it this way....after ten years of marriage the gap would matter less. In ten years I'd be in my early-mid 40's and she in her early 30's. Hardly a May-December coupling. That works because by the half plus seven rule it is possible for a couple to mature together. Now my situation didn't work out but I can't say someone elses definitely would not. The reason my situation did not work out is something OP which you should consider as well. A person in their mid-late 30's is looking to settle down. For me and my last serious ex the question of marriage came up. Her parents wanted to meet my parents and vice versa. Plus we were both graduating with the assumption of moving cities... I could tell though that the concept of a relationship that would be life long was stressing her. We still talk and we run in the same circles in our chosen profession so who knows. I've seen stranger reunions. What I learned from that which applies to your situation is that you have to be really honest about what you want in life right now. Don't invest in him and let he in you unless you want to be married in the next five years or less. Ideal is for the woman to be the same age to four years younger then the man. That is the most common but does that make it "ideal"? To me ideal is whatever works for a specific couple. Jay Z and Beyonce have a 12 year gap. John Adams and his wife Abbigail had a 9 year gap and were married for 54 years. I do see your point though. There would be difficulties external to the relationship due to not being the most common age gap. That is true for any difference from non-standard gender roles (who wears the pants) to interracial coupling. Edited April 13, 2015 by Mrlonelyone 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 First, Mrlonelyone made some really good points. Second, as another poster already pointed out, you're a WOMAN not a child. This might be more of an issue if you were barely in your twenties and still trying to get your sh*t together but at 27 you should be well on your way and more than capable of making sound decisions. Third, you need to relax and stop putting the cart before the horse. You haven't even been on an official date yet. If you enjoy each other's company, enjoy it! Get to know him and then figure out if he's someone you want to spend more time with or not. I think age gaps CAN work provided you're BOTH on the same page about the important things in life like having children. The half+seven rule is a good rule to live by if only to avoid some of those nasty stares people can give when they don't approve something. You need to figure out and get straight what it is YOU want in your life and in your relationships. Then see if his wants and needs align with yours. The rest is just white noise. Remember, not all men and women are created equal. What may have been a horrible experience for one or two couples with a huge age gap does NOT mean they're ALL bound to the same fate. Stay open minded until you have reason to close it. I mean who knows...this could be the best thing that's ever happened to you Good luck. 1
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 It might be an important factor, to not over look, that OP sees herself as a girl and not a woman. My daughter will turn 28 in June. She is nowhere ready to settle, she only has dating in mind. In my time it was different but nowadays a lot of young people don't want to settle before their 30s. So OP, you're the boss, you decide what you want then decide if he fits in your life project. 2
Gary S Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 There are a lot more real deal breakers out there to worry about besides age. 3
Dork Vader Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Personally I feel the age gap is too large. Anything beyond 4-5 years and you're going to notice the age gap. There is a maturity difference. You are likely at a different point in life then he is. Some examples Does he have kids? Does he want kids? If he does not have kids why not? He is likely fairly solid in his career, you on the other hand are likely just starting out. If he is not solid in his career that is another big red flag. Has he been married or divorced? If he has not been married or divorced why not? 38 is more then a late bloomer and it raises a red flag. You'll also likely notice small differences. Music and TV show interests will likely be different. IMO anything over 5-6 years in the age gap just brings about too many differences maturity, interest, different points in life and so on. It seems you already see the age gap as a potential issue other wise you would not be on here asking about it. You also need to be careful of older singles. I've had experiences with a few that were 10+ years older then me. They were single for a reason.. One would travel all over changing jobs every 6 months to a year. She had no desire to settle but would lead those on to think she wanted that. Another was just a straight up loser with way too much baggage. Thus she kept getting put back on the single market.
Author firefly1 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Yes I do plan on getting married within the next two years and would like to have kids in the next few years too. He is 38 single never married. Actually looks very young. Wears shorts t shirt backpack. People mistake him for late 20s or early 30s.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Yes I do plan on getting married within the next two years and would like to have kids in the next few years too. He is 38 single never married. Actually looks very young. Wears shorts t shirt backpack. People mistake him for late 20s or early 30s. Then I say go for it. Can being 38 and never married be a red flag...maybe. Marriage is a big deal and many people delay it these days so they can fell really ready for it when they do. My father was never married at 38 when he married my mom who was divorced and 34. (back then divorce was the red flag.) They have been married for 35 years and were together for 5-6 years before that. My grandfather was single until he was 45, then married my grandmother who was 25. It lasted until her death 15 years latter. Look at your own family OP. I'll bet there are couples who the conventional wisdom would say should never have lasted.
JohnsonBaby Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I don't think age is a guarantee of maturity ,I dated 10-15 years older men and didnt feel a huge gap other than they wanted children. It was fun ad really not a big deal.
Penguin_hugs Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 It depends on your level of maturity and priorities etc. My BF is 5 years older (I'm 22 and he's 27) but it isn't an issue, simply because I'm pretty mature for my age and he was a PhD student when I met him- so it wasn't like he had a house and mortgage etc while I was just a student. The only thing I worry about is keeping up with his friends- the majority are in their 30's, married and mortgages etc- and I don't graduate til the summer! But OP remember- you're in the relationship with him- no one else. Actually I have a friend who got married at 21 and her husband was 33. Their priorities were such that she only wanted a husband and to settle down and have heaps of kids. They seem to be fine- but I guess time will tell.
lgspot Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 firefly, I am nine years older than the lady I am seeing. Age has never been an issue, although we are quite a bit older than you and him. We mesh pretty well. Maturity level of the partners is certainly a factor. I would say if he isn't hampered by baggage or "Peter Pan-ish"----go for it.... Might be fun to see what he's like without the shorts and backpack!?!
PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I've been seeing a man 14 years older than I for the last six months and it is a lot of fun. Anything he talks about that I don't want to hear, i just say, "Sorry, I wasn't born yet." I run up and down the stairs faster than he does. I work the remote control better than he does. He can't read the texts on my iPhone because i made the font really small so his old tired eyes can't spy. My memory is better so if he lies I will catch him. And the sex is fantastic. He said I was a firecracker and is quite amused with some of my behavior. Will it last? I have no idea. But I am having fun because he is really smart and super sexy for an old man. Despite the age difference, we have similar "f-that!" attitudes, both hate kids, appreciate good furniture and sweaty sex. So I say go for it and have fun.
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