So my gf made out with a girl in front of me last night. I don't know how to feel.

[Gaeta]

What do you want me to tell you? Some of what you're saying is incredibly unfair. Of course it's easier to see the mistakes that were made with the benefit of hindsight. But in the heat of the moment, it's much less easy to make those same decisions.

 

I did the best that I could. Yes, I wish I had handled things a little bit differently. You're ruthless.

 

I am sorry I don't mean to be rude I am just being forward.

 

In your original post you made it sound like she is 100% at fault and as the thread evolved and you added more details it became clear to me you had a big part of responsibility you were refusing to see.

 

What I want you to do is recognize where you failed

 

A. Communicating your boundaries in details.

B. Stopping the make out session as soon as it became too much for you

C. Understand your girlfriend is not a mind reader and she interpreted your inaction as it's all cool.

 

You can still recognize your part in the matter and break up with her because you feel something was broken that night, that's alright but don't leave this relationship thinking it's all on her. It's not.

[elaine567]

Gotta agree with Gaeta in all this, given what's come to light. The GF's not absolved of all blame - she should have shown some discretion and bean a little more considerate about the lengths, but he gave her the green light prior and didn't object while it was going on, from what I can gather.

 

I am not sure an off the cuff remark a year ago constitutes a green light.

 

Bf: would you mind if I kissed another guy.

Gf: Yeah sure, go right ahead...

 

One year later, bf making out with another guy for half an hour. Hmmm....

[Auspecial]

If it had been a brief make out session, then I would be secretly happy that my girl had a hidden wild side.

 

But in this situation, it kept escalating and getting more and more intense over different locations for the entire night. It's a sign of disrespect on her part to basically act like her BF wasn't even there all night. Then again, the OP is the one that chose just to sit there acting passive all night. If he didn't like it, he should have stepped in, and reclaimed what was his.

 

 

Maybe it just took him a "minute" to digest what was actually happening and he was trying to decide if he still even wanted to. Her ongoing blatant disrespect was an attack, as I view it. Its impossible to maintain respect for a person who behaves in such a dismissive manner. Like toying with him.

 

It would be different if she had talked to him in advance about bi-tendencies or bi-curious, and they could know where each other stands on all of it. At least he would have known what was on the table.

[jen1447]

I am not sure an off the cuff remark a year ago constitutes a green light.

 

Bf: would you mind if I kissed another guy.

Gf: Yeah sure, go right ahead...

 

One year later, bf making out with another guy for half an hour. Hmmm....

 

Well the degree was certainly questionable, yeah, and like I said she's not free from blame. But ....a yes to a direct question is pretty much a green light, and him not saying anything about it at the time - not sure how she'd interpret that as disapproval.

 

There are obviously other issues with this relationship that may play a larger role in why this went down at all - lack of respect and consideration, lack of communication, maybe even some degree of animosity on her part and a propensity for ill-placed validation. Not to mention some shortcomings with OP. But I don't see the obvious wrongdoing with the act itself, given the background and his inaction.

[durkadurka]

Maybe it just took him a "minute" to digest what was actually happening and he was trying to decide if he still even wanted to. Her ongoing blatant disrespect was an attack, as I view it. Its impossible to maintain respect for a person who behaves in such a dismissive manner. Like toying with him.

 

It would be different if she had talked to him in advance about bi-tendencies or bi-curious, and they could know where each other stands on all of it. At least he would have known what was on the table.

 

It took a lot more than a minute.

[callingyouuu]

Reality: some people mean what exactly what they say, while others don't. You can live life assuming that everyone is telling the literal truth, or you can be aware of the fact that people don't always do and adjust your actions accordingly.

 

As a guy, if my girlfriend told me I could kiss another person and it'd be ok, I don't think it'd be the right choice for me to act on that "green light." There's a chance that my girlfriend is being serious and would be perfectly indifferent about me locking lips with another person, but there's a chance that she didn't really mean it that way. In deciding whether or not to act on my blank check to make out with someone else, I need to decide whether it's worth the risk of making my girlfriend feel the way the OP does right now. In my value system, 10 out of 10 times, it's not. Should she have said something else if that's what she meant? Probably. Do I expect that everyone would, and would I be surprised if she flipped out? Absolutely not.

 

Both people are definitely at fault in some ways, but in my mind, the "but one year ago you told me I could kiss a girl eventually!!" argument is just a crutch for her desire just to do what she wanted in the moment.

Edited April 13, 2015 by callingyouuu

[TheGuard13]

By the same token, if she says something like "I'd like to kiss a woman someday, would that be okay?", the thing that she says exactly may not be what it means. It probably means something more along the lines of "I'm likely going to be attracted to a woman at some point, and I'd like to know if its okay to indulge my attraction". So the whole "People don't always mean what they say" thing works both ways.

 

Obviously he's hurt that she kissed another woman, but what I keep hearing is that the larger issue is that it sounds like she ignored him while doing so.

[Gottabestrong]

Late to the party, but wanted to offer my opinion as well. I consider it cheating. She asked him if it was okay to 'kiss' a girl a year ago. Like the OP I consider 'kissing' something else as what went down, which I would categorize more as 'making out'.

 

Yes, it is terrible her mother is dying and it is unfortunate that she was drunk. But that does not excuse her acts. Nor does being in your 20s and figuring things out. It might be understandable in some way, but in my eyes that disqualifies her from being his girlfriend. I would not want to be with someone who did that to me.

 

My boyfriend's mother has a terrible disease, which upsets him greatly. That does not give him permission in my eyes to cheat on me. And it would not matter if he did it with a man or woman. Drunk or not. Any making out with anyone but me I consider cheating. And I would think it really low of him if he would try to argue with 'but a year ago you said it was okay to kiss someone', when I was trying to talk to him about it and tell him how hurt and upset I am.

 

Since the OP is clearly torn about it and not ready to break up with her, I would suggest he talk to her, tell her how upset he is and see how she reacts. If she gets very defensive and actually brings up the fact that he said she could kiss someone a year ago (when they had only been dating for a few months) I would consider that as a sign that she does not care for his feelings.

 

If however she tells him she feels terrible, she regrets doing it and is really sorry she hurt him, then he could agree to give her a chance to prove that she is serious.

 

Good luck!

[stillafool]

I've seen 14 year olds who have lost their moms not react this way. Your gf made out with the other girl because she felt a connection, a sexual attraction that she couldn't pull herself away from. It obviously felt so good to her she was oblivious to you even being in the same place. She wanted this girl and if you hadn't been around they would have had one on one sex. Why do men give women a pass when it comes to kissing other women? It is still cheating and the men have no idea how bad the women want to have sex together excluding the man.

[introverted1]

Sorry - when we were talking about it, I said it was okay if she KISSED (singular) a girl. Not have a heavy make out session.

 

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I had to explain grammar.

 

Personally, I think that ANY kissing, regardless of gender, is cheating. But you apparently gave this girl the green light to kiss another girl. And now you're upset because she took it too far, in your opinion. But this is a function of not setting clear boundaries, or maybe it is you coming to terms with the reality of what may have seemed like a hot fantasy in your head. I also wonder: would you have okayed her kissing another guy? And, if not, why not?

 

In any case, stay or break up as you see fit, but this is at least as much on you as on her.

[losangelena]

Of course it's easier to see the mistakes that were made with the benefit of hindsight. But in the heat of the moment, it's much less easy to make those same decisions.

 

OP, I think you could apply the same logic to your GF and what happened the other night.

 

You've been together a year and a half—do you live together? How often do you see each other? Have y'all been in contact since this incident?

 

I've had a parent die—my dad—and he passed when I was 25. Granted, I was single at the time and was staying in the small town where he lived while he was sick, so it's not as if I could act out in the same manner as your GF, but grief does do ... weird things to people.

 

If alcohol or promiscuity are things she uses to medicate and turn away from her grief, then those things are going to go into hyperdrive at this time. When my dad was dying, I was fixated on an abusive, co-dependent work relationship, and I was only able to see in HINDSIGHT that focusing and obsessing over that relationship, while basically ignoring my dying father or my family, was a coping mechanism and the only way I could survive what was happening in front of me.

 

It wasn't as if I didn't care that it was hurtful or disrespectful behavior, it's more like I simply COULDN'T deal with what was happening. Do I regret how I acted? Yes. But I also don't think I fully realized the weight of my actions until much later.

 

So, I'd say, yes, if your GF is at all self-destructive, that she's probably willing to torpedo her entire life right now because of what's happening with her mother. I'd also be willing to bet that she didn't do it out of spite or personally against you. When she was making out with that woman, she probably was not consciously thinking, "this'll piss my BF off!," she was probably dwelling somewhere deep within her grief.

 

That being said, you're well within your rights to break up with her if you so choose. Standing by someone when they're going through such a massively tough time is hard—in large part because you don't know how you're going to get hurt or disrespected in the process. Most people can't or don't want to handle it, and leave. That's totally normal and completely legit.

 

But I'd also say that she is NOT herself right now, and probably, truly, deep down does not want to hurt you. So you can either jettison her, or cool your heels just a bit and confront it at a time where she's more able to be fully present. Good luck in your decision.