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So my gf made out with a girl in front of me last night. I don't know how to feel.

durkadurka

By durkadurka
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Um, I wouldn't say that's quite true. I just sat there more in shock that my girlfriend was doing... hell I don't even know how to describe it.

 

I think I was in shock seeing my girlfriend make out with someone in such an over the top fashion I didn't know what to think.

 

Yes you were in shock BUT she doesn't know that, she's not inside you. From where she was all she was aware of was her boyfriend being there and not indicating he was against her behavior.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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But that's where the issue comes in - in a lot of ways we're groomed to think that girl-girl stuff is not to be taken the same way.

 

It's why I've struggled to reconcile while I feel I've been cheated on, whilst society says meh she's just experimenting.

 

You were not cheated on, you had given her the go ahead to kiss another woman. You just did not specify what kind of kissing was acceptable to you.

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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Yes you were in shock BUT she doesn't know that, she's not inside you. From where she was all she was aware of was her boyfriend being there and not indicating he was against her behavior.

 

So if I go and make out with a girl, and my girlfriend is there but she doesn't come over and grab me, it makes it OKAY?

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Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Established Member

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646

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Show me where "society" says it's OK to make out with someone (same sex or opposite) while you're in a committed 1.5 year relationship?

 

All this "society" stuff is aimed at saying it's OK to experiment while you're single.

 

I think women get a pass when it comes to getting physical with other Women - mainly because it's such a turn on for a lot of guys.

 

It is a double standard though because Men don't get that same free pass ;)

 

So if I go and make out with a girl, and my girlfriend is there but she doesn't come over and grab me, it makes it OKAY?

 

See above ;)

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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You were not cheated on, you had given her the go ahead to kiss another woman. You just did not specify what kind of kissing was acceptable to you.

 

There's a distinction between kissing and grinding up on someone and making out with them and throwing your boyfriend under the bus at the same time.

 

If you can't see that, you need to get bent.

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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There's a distinction between kissing and grinding up on someone and making out with them and throwing your boyfriend under the bus at the same time.

 

If you can't see that, you need to get bent.

 

I think what Gaeta is saying is be careful what you wish for...

 

Your girlfriend probably thought she was turning you on.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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And like I said, there's a distinction between "kissing" and a 40 minute heavy petting session where you ignore your boyfriend and don't give a **** about how he feels.

 

To me most of this is on you.

 

* You gave her the go ahead to kiss another woman but weren't clear on what kind of kissing was acceptable. My kind of kissing may not be the same as your kind of kissing, that is why when you allow your partner to play outside your relationship you have to be extremely specific, down to details, on what is allowed and what is not.

 

* You thinking she did not give a sh#it about you. Stop it !! Why would she think you are hurting when 1. You gave her the go ahead 2. You are standing by and not indicating you are displeased? She should have read your mind?

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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durka,

As you've seen, opinions vary on this subject about what is acceptable, whether this fits the dictionary definition of "cheating" or not, whether mitigating circumstances excuse her behaviour, whether you gave her a free pass or not, etc. So what you now need to do is work out whether it's acceptable to you or not. It's easy for us to sit here and make judgements because we're just reading it on a computer screen. But for you, it's real. You need to work out how you feel on the subject, and whether it's something you can forgive or not.

Good luck :)

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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To me most of this is on you.

 

* You gave her the go ahead to kiss another woman but weren't clear on what kind of kissing was acceptable. My kind of kissing may not be the same as your kind of kissing, that is why when you allow your partner to play outside your relationship you have to be extremely specific, down to details, on what is allowed and what is not.

 

* You thinking she did not give a sh#it about you. Stop it !! Why would she think you are hurting when 1. You gave her the go ahead 2. You are standing by and not indicating you are displeased? She should have read your mind?

 

When it got to the point where my patience had run out, I did try to stop it. By that point she was so intoxicated she freaked out.

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Established Member

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646

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There's a distinction between kissing and grinding up on someone and making out with them and throwing your boyfriend under the bus at the same time.

 

If you can't see that, you need to get bent.

 

Sounds like you know EXACTLY where you stand, so when are you going to break up with her?

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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I need some advice on this.

 

Last night I was at a bar, my girlfriend was wasted, and was introduced to a friend of my good friend. Attractive girl and all. After a bit of chatting, and a few more drinks, they made out to the dance floor, when suddenly I noticed they were making out.

 

Now I'm not a homophobe and that's not the nature of this post. For the first 30 seconds it was kind of funny. Then seconds turned into minutes. Then we changed venues and it kept happening there. Then we changed venues again and it started to happen there. It was pretty aggressive.

 

What started off as kinda funny then started to register as something that made me really uncomfortable, in part because it kept escalating. It really began to bother me by the end of the night.

 

Firstly, she didn't even think to consider that I thought it might be cheating - she just went ahead and did it. Maybe she thought that because it was a girl, it was okay.

 

Secondly, when I did bring it up with her, it's like she thought it was every guys dream (and it was my friend's his jaw was on the floor), but she didn't think about the ramifications on our relationship. Shoot first, ask questions later.

 

Am I weird for thinking this way?

 

We ended up getting into a pretty serious argument at the end of the night, and I'm debating kicking her to the curb if for no other reason that she can't see where I'm coming from.

 

No, you're not weird for thinking that way.

 

Yes. You should kick her to the curb. If nothing else, the level of disrespect for you was breathtaking.

 

Maybe she should have taken the time to ask you if it was YOUR dream before proceeding, considering you were (I hope it's were now) her boyfriend.

 

That was a pretty tragic display she put on for everyone. Maybe she should stop drinking since she can't control herself when she's drunk.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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When it got to the point where my patience had run out, I did try to stop it. By that point she was so intoxicated she freaked out.

 

You don't want to admit you should have interfered earlier when the kissing became too much for you.

 

You simply had to go to her and say 'honey, you had your fun, now it's enough'. I mean you let that go on for 40 minutes!!! I don't know one man that would have stood by this long in displease.

 

Why did you let your girlfriend get this much intoxicated? She had spent the day by her dying mother. She was out of control. She needed you to look over her not let her get dead drunk. I know I am hard on you but you've got to see where you went wrong.

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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You don't want to admit you should have interfered earlier when the kissing became too much for you.

 

You simply had to go to her and say 'honey, you had your fun, now it's enough'. I mean you let that go on for 40 minutes!!! I don't know one man that would have stood by this long in displease.

 

Why did you let your girlfriend get this much intoxicated? She had spent the day by her dying mother. She was out of control. She needed you to look over her not let her get dead drunk. I know I am hard on you but you've got to see where you went wrong.

 

I do see where I went wrong, I let the night get out of control and I understand that now.

 

In fact, I've so strenuously objected to her drinking that the time before this where she asked me to go out with her, I declined because I couldn't condone her pattern of behaviour.

 

Trust me, this is not the first time I've brought up her problematic drinking.

 

In regards to letting it go on for forty minutes. Like I said this is where I'm struggling. Most guys would be like YEAH THIS IS AWESOME! I mean when guys usually see two girls making it's like "errrmahhhgerd that's so hot". I didn't know if I was the strange one for not enjoying it.

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Established Member

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646

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I do see where I went wrong, I let the night get out of control and I understand that now.

 

In fact, I've so strenuously objected to her drinking that the time before this where she asked me to go out with her, I declined because I couldn't condone her pattern of behaviour.

 

Trust me, this is not the first time I've brought up her problematic drinking.

 

Look - you guys are in your young 20s, and most people at this age like to drink when they party. If she's getting hammered on the weekend when you're all out partying, I don't think it's such a huge red flag. Now if she's getting hammered in the afternoon at home, then you should worry.

 

Heck I'm 26 and while I don't get hammered on a weekly basis anymore, I still do occasionally on the weekend in a social setting ;) lol.

 

If you start babysitting her drinking, you're just going to piss her off. Is there any indication that she's an alcoholic? Otherwise you should just leave it be.

 

 

Yes - people do act out a bit when they're drunk, but you had a chance to stop it and you didn't because you INITIALLY enjoyed it. Buyer's remorse isn't fair to her either.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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In regards to letting it go on for forty minutes. Like I said this is where I'm struggling. Most guys would be like YEAH THIS IS AWESOME! I mean when guys usually see two girls making it's like "errrmahhhgerd that's so hot". I didn't know if I was the strange one for not enjoying it.

 

No you were not strange.

 

Is it possible you did not interfere because it's suppose to be cool and were afraid other people around would have perceived you as 'strange'?

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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In regards to letting it go on for forty minutes. Like I said this is where I'm struggling. Most guys would be like YEAH THIS IS AWESOME! I mean when guys usually see two girls making it's like "errrmahhhgerd that's so hot". I didn't know if I was the strange one for not enjoying it.

If it's not their GF then yeah most guys would be like "yeah this is hot". But if it's their GF, most guys would be like "WTF, I'm going to dump her so fast she'll have whiplash"

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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If it's not their GF then yeah most guys would be like "yeah this is hot". But if it's their GF, most guys would be like "WTF, I'm going to dump her so fast she'll have whiplash"

 

Did you miss the part where he allowed her to kiss another woman.

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Established Member

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646

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If it's not their GF then yeah most guys would be like "yeah this is hot". But if it's their GF, most guys would be like "WTF, I'm going to dump her so fast she'll have whiplash"

 

Eh, IDK.. I thought it was pretty hot when my ex did it :D

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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I do see where I went wrong, I let the night get out of control and I understand that now.

 

In fact, I've so strenuously objected to her drinking that the time before this where she asked me to go out with her, I declined because I couldn't condone her pattern of behaviour.

 

Trust me, this is not the first time I've brought up her problematic drinking.

 

In regards to letting it go on for forty minutes. Like I said this is where I'm struggling. Most guys would be like YEAH THIS IS AWESOME! I mean when guys usually see two girls making it's like "errrmahhhgerd that's so hot". I didn't know if I was the strange one for not enjoying it.

 

Well most of the guys I have been out with told their friends that they would like to see me kissing another woman then confessed in private that they would not want to see it all...

 

Real life is not a porn film...

 

Lessons learnt. Now you have to figure out how to move forward.

 

I really do think that you need to speak to your girl and have an honest discussion, while she is sober, about several aspects including why you were so hurt and also why you are worried about her drinking.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Did you miss the part where he allowed her to kiss another woman.

Did you miss the part where one kiss != making out and grinding for 40 minutes?

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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Look - you guys are in your young 20s, and most people at this age like to drink when they party. If she's getting hammered on the weekend when you're all out partying, I don't think it's such a huge red flag. Now if she's getting hammered in the afternoon at home, then you should worry.

 

Heck I'm 26 and while I don't get hammered on a weekly basis anymore, I still do occasionally on the weekend in a social setting ;) lol.

 

If you start babysitting her drinking, you're just going to piss her off. Is there any indication that she's an alcoholic? Otherwise you should just leave it be.

 

 

Yes - people do act out a bit when they're drunk, but you had a chance to stop it and you didn't because you INITIALLY enjoyed it. Buyer's remorse isn't fair to her either.

 

Well that's what I don't want to be - her babysitter.

 

To clarify your last point - I wouldn't categorize it as buyers remorse. I've never been in this situation before, I didn't know how it would make me feel.

 

When it actually happened, like I said, part of me wasn't sure what it was. Is it cheating? Is it not cheating? It's between two girls - I'd been taught that it's just harmless fun. Are these feelings of jealousy, of hurt, real? Are they fair? Then I realized that they were very real.

 

I can tell you that off the bat it definitely didn't feel good that's for sure.

mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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OP you are not strange at all.

 

I could easily have a threesome (MFF) with a man that I was not emotionally invested in, but NEVER in a million years with my SO.

 

What she did was cheating. What probably doesn't register in her head is that it was cheating.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Did you miss the part where one kiss != making out and grinding for 40 minutes?

 

That would not have happened is he had specified what kind of kissing he was allowing her.

 

If my boyfriend tells me it's ok for me to kiss other men he better specify what he means cause you bet my kind of kissing involves my body rubbing and hand actions.

Diezel Established Member

Diezel

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I believe her when she said she thought it was a hot thing to do in front of him, after all he never indicated his displease with it that is why she escalated it, no?

 

Nope, it's rationalizing.

 

I was 20 once, but I knew right from wrong, and I didn't try to replace accountability with a bad excuse.

 

Him not indicating his displeasure of it immediately is absolutely on her, but he shouldn't need to get to that point. I'm all for young, college, stupid fun, but if you're going to act out like that, definitely don't do it while in a relationship and while that person is THERE.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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If my boyfriend tells me it's ok for me to kiss other men he better specify what he means cause you bet my kind of kissing involves my body rubbing and hand actions.

Well if he gives you an inch and you take a mile, don't be surprised if you get dumped for it.

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