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So my gf made out with a girl in front of me last night. I don't know how to feel.

durkadurka

By durkadurka
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fitnessfan365 Established Member

fitnessfan365

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If her mom has terminal cancer, why isn't she spending as much time as she can with her mom? Going out on the town and proceeding to make out with a woman all night doesn't exactly scream "grief stricken".

 

In the end, don't make excuses for her bad behavior. But as I said before, you were just as culpable for acting completely passive and sitting there all night doing nothing about it.

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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If her mom has terminal cancer, why isn't she spending as much time as she can with her mom? Going out on the town and proceeding to make out with a woman all night doesn't exactly scream "grief stricken".

 

In the end, don't make excuses for her bad behavior. But as I said before, you were just as culpable for acting completely passive and sitting there all night doing nothing about it.

 

She was with her mom all day on Saturday, and then met up with her friends at a house warming. She's admitted to me she's using alcohol to self medicate. She's a mess. She comes over to my place and cries basically every night.

 

No I agree, I should have manned up and done something. But at the end of the day, I also think that if you need to be all up on your girlfriend to make sure she does the right thing, should she really be your girlfriend?

 

I'm wrestling with that right now.

Edited by durkadurka
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hudson701 Established Member

hudson701

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I'd send her packing, pal. Your gut instinct is usually the correct choice. She cheated. IN FRONT OF YOU. I would not tolerate this. Have some self respect and send her on her way. Do not make excuses for her. And if you do, the ****ed up part is she will probably want you even more given you are not willing to tolerate any bull****.

Diezel Established Member

Diezel

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She wouldn't have been my girlfriend past that night.

Justanaverageguy Established Member

Justanaverageguy

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Hmmm tough one. Sounds like she is going through a lot with her Mother but at the same time you can't let her walk all over you. Getting another girl involved can be fun when its been discussed before hand, both parties are onboard and OK with it and it is done in the right way. What she did was not the right way and just smacks of disrespect and disregard for you. The thing about that is no matter how much she is going through now ..... if you give her a pass on that behavior here then you have set a precedent for what you allow going forward. People lose respect for those who don't stand up for themselves.

 

If it was me - I would condense that long ass letter into about 3 sentences that I would say directly to her face in a clear, non aggressive way.

 

I understand you are going through a lot with your mum - but I've been here for you and helping you through this difficult time. The other night you disrespected me by cheating on me with another woman directly in front of me and my friends. I don't tolerate that from a relationship partner and I can't continue to see someone who treats me that way.

 

Maybe you allow her to earn her way back into your good books in future - but you need to lay down the law now and make her know this was not ok. If she wants back in she has to earn it .... if she doesn't then thats a pretty good sign you made the right call anyway.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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She wouldn't have been my girlfriend past that night.

Exactly. Cheating is cheating whether it's with a male or a female.

Insta dump. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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How old are you, 18?

 

Look, it isnt " cool" for adults to go and make out with other people when you are dating someone you are exclusive with....

 

It is very risky. She risked losing you. A week in - sure, I would forgive it.

 

My friend met the love of her life but, she couldnt be with him until a month after they first met, and although they ahd already established that they felt mutual fireworks upon first encounter, he still had casual sex whilst he waited for her to get back from her holiday. He was head over heels for her the entire time, he did what he did because they had only met ONCE, they knew something would happen when she arrived home frorm holidays, so he had some casual.

 

In a solid, established relationship, hell no it is not OKAY, unless you have BOTH established they you BOTH want to give swinging, threesomes or making out with other partners in front of each other, a try:sick:

 

My boyfriend said he'd leave me when I asked him how he'd react. Men are possesive. I can totally see how you feel MAJORLY uncomfortable when your "girlfriend" makes out with other women in front of you:sick:

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I need some advice on this.

 

Last night I was at a bar, my girlfriend was wasted, and was introduced to a friend of my good friend. Attractive girl and all. After a bit of chatting, and a few more drinks, they made out to the dance floor, when suddenly I noticed they were making out.

 

Now I'm not a homophobe and that's not the nature of this post. For the first 30 seconds it was kind of funny. Then seconds turned into minutes. Then we changed venues and it kept happening there. Then we changed venues again and it started to happen there. It was pretty aggressive.

 

What started off as kinda funny then started to register as something that made me really uncomfortable, in part because it kept escalating. It really began to bother me by the end of the night.

 

Firstly, she didn't even think to consider that I thought it might be cheating - she just went ahead and did it. Maybe she thought that because it was a girl, it was okay.

 

Secondly, when I did bring it up with her, it's like she thought it was every guys dream (and it was my friend's his jaw was on the floor), but she didn't think about the ramifications on our relationship. Shoot first, ask questions later.

 

Am I weird for thinking this way?

 

We ended up getting into a pretty serious argument at the end of the night, and I'm debating kicking her to the curb if for no other reason that she can't see where I'm coming from.

 

she thought it was every guys dream - She "thought" it was every guys dream, she didn't know what you would want. Before I did anything like that because I was thinking my boyfriend would like it, I would have had a conversation with him about his fantasies, etc. and, I have talked with my SO about these kinds of things.

 

She didn't do it because of that, she did it because SHE wanted to. That's disrespectful to you.

 

And, yes, since your feelings on the subject are not important to her, then you should move on.

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shvrk Established Member

shvrk

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My boyfriend would consider that cheating. He doesn't care if it's a man or a woman. Not him, I betrayed him.

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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A lot of guys think it's a great fantasy... right up until the moment it happens to them, and reality sinks in. It can feel like you have been cheated on.

 

Well they have haven't they?

 

Just because its a woman instead of a man doesn't make any difference does it?

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I will be the one slow to judge.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

How was the relationship before this event?

 

I can't imagine losing my mom in my early 20s. We all deal with death in our own ways and sometimes we do stupid stuff we never thought we would do.

 

I am not ready to excuse her but not ready to throw rocks at her yet.

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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I will be the one slow to judge.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

How was the relationship before this event?

 

I can't imagine losing my mom in my early 20s. We all deal with death in our own ways and sometimes we do stupid stuff we never thought we would do.

 

I am not ready to excuse her but not ready to throw rocks at her yet.

 

Almost a year and a half

 

It was great, I mean it has had it's problems, but nothing super significant.

 

For sure and I've cast aside a lot of my own things to help her because I recognize that.

Diezel Established Member

Diezel

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I am not ready to excuse her but not ready to throw rocks at her yet.

 

I threw my rock as soon as the behavior became repeated and escalated over the course of night.

 

Regardless of what she has been through, it is no excuse for the crushing of a loved one's boundaries.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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What do you think she would do if you were making out with some dude all night?

Would she let it continue?

Would she be on a forum asking about it?

 

I doubt it.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I threw my rock as soon as the behavior became repeated and escalated over the course of night.

 

Regardless of what she has been through, it is no excuse for the crushing of a loved one's boundaries.

 

She is young with no experience, intoxicated and hurt. You remember being 20 something? You are in search of who you are, you don't really have a clear set of value yet. I believe her when she said she thought it was a hot thing to do in front of him, after all he never indicated his displease with it that is why she escalated it, no?

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

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If she had acted like this with a guy, would you still be with her now?

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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she thought it was every guys dream - She "thought" it was every guys dream, she didn't know what you would want. Before I did anything like that because I was thinking my boyfriend would like it, I would have had a conversation with him about his fantasies, etc. and, I have talked with my SO about these kinds of things.

 

She didn't do it because of that, she did it because SHE wanted to. That's disrespectful to you.

 

And, yes, since your feelings on the subject are not important to her, then you should move on.

 

We had previously briefly touched on the topic - she asked if her kissing a girl was okay. I said it was okay.

 

However, there is a distinction between kissing a girl, and having a 40 minute long make out session in front of your boyfriend while you ignore him.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I believe her when she said she thought it was a hot thing to do in front of him, after all he never indicated his displease with it that is why she escalated it, no?

If she had done the same thing with a guy, and given the same reasons, would you still think it's OK?

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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She is young with no experience, intoxicated and hurt. You remember being 20 something? You are in search of who you are, you don't really have a clear set of value yet. I believe her when she said she thought it was a hot thing to do in front of him, after all he never indicated his displease with it that is why she escalated it, no?

 

Um, I wouldn't say that's quite true. I just sat there more in shock that my girlfriend was doing... hell I don't even know how to describe it.

 

I think I was in shock seeing my girlfriend make out with someone in such an over the top fashion I didn't know what to think.

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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If she had done the same thing with a guy, and given the same reasons, would you still think it's OK?

 

But that's where the issue comes in - in a lot of ways we're groomed to think that girl-girl stuff is not to be taken the same way.

 

It's why I've struggled to reconcile while I feel I've been cheated on, whilst society says meh she's just experimenting.

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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Something that I'm definitely struggling with is - at what point did it escalate from harmless fun to - okay, this is actually really uncomfortable and hurtful?

 

I'm having a really hard time trying to articulate that. I know when I sit down with her she's going to say - but you said kissing a girl was okay.

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Established Member

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646

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I think she's experiencing a lot of pain with her mother and she might be acting out a bit. I think you'll need to acknowledge this when you talk to her.

 

Keep in mind if she's in her young 20s and her MOTHER is dying, this is something she's probably not prepared for being so young... :(

 

Not saying it excuses anything, but it does put things in perspective I think.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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It's why I've struggled to reconcile while I feel I've been cheated on, whilst society says meh she's just experimenting.

Show me where "society" says it's OK to make out with someone (same sex or opposite) while you're in a committed 1.5 year relationship?

 

All this "society" stuff is aimed at saying it's OK to experiment while you're single.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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If she had done the same thing with a guy, and given the same reasons, would you still think it's OK?

 

 

and my answer is look at what OP just posted:

 

We had previously briefly touched on the topic - she asked if her kissing a girl was okay. I said it was okay.

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durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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and my answer is look at what OP just posted:

 

We had previously briefly touched on the topic - she asked if her kissing a girl was okay. I said it was okay.

 

And like I said, there's a distinction between "kissing" and a 40 minute heavy petting session where you ignore your boyfriend and don't give a **** about how he feels.

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