Complicated!

[simplyTom]

I have a horribly complex marital situation, and it looks like options are few, but let's put this under the category CAN THIS MARRIAGE be saved?

 

My wife and I have been married 23 years this May. We are soul-mates and have only known each other for almost all of our married lives. I am turning 47 this year, she 46. We have two very wonderful and bright children, my son is 16 and my daughter 13.

 

There has been infidelity, all on my part. I have recently been confronting the reality that I may be gay, and have explored that outside of the marriage. I was in a more-than-friends, he wanted me out and waited for me for almost 2 years and now he's no longer part of the equation.

 

I am upset at the loss of this friend/affair. I am terrified about divorce, as is my wife. We don't want to do it now, before the end of the school year (June here), for fear of affecting my son's grades, and we are committed to remaining friends and friendly throughout, if only for the kids' sake, but I know from everything I read about divorce how it DOES affect the kids, and it DOES hurt, and it sucks.

 

Midlife crisis on steroids? There is so much I wish I could UNDO.

 

At this point, it seems rather inevitable. We have discussed my sexuality, and even though I'm not in the "always been gay" category, and I very much loved sex with her until the last few years at least, she is very much the person I foresaw growing old with and taking care of in older age.

 

I worry about being alone. I worry about hurting my children. I worry about hurting her - and she is also afraid of being alone. We are such strong supports for each other.

 

I moved to another nearby city about 18 months ago for work. I return on the weekends and clean house and get things ready for the week. Financially, she and I are on equal footing now. I know I will lose a lot, financially, but that is of little consequence to me compared to the emotional toll of all of this.

 

I am in a line of work that does not tolerate gays. My family does not tolerate gays. I will face horrible consequences for this decision. I came out to her about 18 months ago about this, and was honest with her, and her attitude then was "we can work through this". I discussed it again last month with her, and showed her some literature that says "not a choice, you cannot work through this."

 

I don't want to divorce. I love her still. So torn. Cry all the time.

 

Your opinions and thoughts?

[SycamoreCircle]

Just curious, what do you wish you could undo?

[ZiggyZoo]

I think this may be above our pay grade on here, there are so many components to your situation. But I'm happy to share my opinion, and offer my support. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through, to know that your whole life could change for the worse just because you share who you really are. It kills me that this sort of discrimination for something completely private and really none of anybody's business still exists.

 

But I digress. To be honest, I don't see how it would possibly be fair to either you or your wife to remain married to each other. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are compatible with your partner on every level, including sexual, and so is she. 46 and 47 are both much too young to settle for less than what you both want. I completely understand the fear of being alone, and the fact that you two DO love each other still, but this isn't what either of you deserve.

 

I also think that it would be nobody else's business WHY you got divorced. There's no reason whatsoever that your sexual orientation should have to be mentioned. Especially if it will have such negative consequences within your own family. There are secrets in every marriage, and this might well have to be one that's kept in yours. And also, nobody said you and your wife have to stop being friends just because you're no longer married. I was actually in the wedding party when my ex-husband and his current wife got married. I consider him to be one of my best friends, we've been through a lot together. So neither of you need lose the other just because you're not married to each other.

 

I hope this helps. My own son came out to everyone in our family about four years ago, and I have never been more proud of a group of people in my life. My very conservative father wrote him a letter saying that he admired the courage it took for him to be honest about who he really was, and that it changed nothing as far as how he felt about him. I wish everyone could have this experience, but I know that isn't the case. But please know that there's at least one person rooting for you, right here. I really hope everything works out for you. I hope I helped.