Makeleveesnotwar Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Hey all, first time posting. Here's my situation: I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago. He wasn't my "type" and I didn't initially see it going anywhere, but after we spent more and more time together I started to fall for him. I liked him because I felt like I could be myself around him, I enjoyed being around him, and felt we brought out the best in each other. A few months into us seeing each other I was looking to move to a new apartment in a different part of the city. I asked for his help in looking because I was still fairly new in town. He started jokingly telling me I should look for two-bedroom places so we could be roommates. Then it turned out he wasn't joking. I thought it would be fun (and we weren't serious at this point) so we actually did find a place to move into a few months later. In between the start of us looking and the actual move-in, we did get serious and even though it was early to be "moving in together" as a couple we did it anyway and things seemed great. I should mention that he was upfront about having very little experience in serious relationships, so we took our time getting to that point. Things were so awesome at first, we did fight occasionally but we always made up and we really loved each other. I had started wearing a fake wedding ring for my job (to deter clients from hitting on me) and he decided to start wearing one too, because he wanted to signify that he was no longer looking. A few months later things started to fall apart. He told me he didn't want to wear the ring anymore because it made him feel too "pressured" (again - this was his idea in the first place, I never asked him to wear it). On Christmas we went to visit his family and while there he got irrationally angry with me and broke things off. Two days later he went back on that and seemed like he was really trying to show me how much he loved and cared about me and wanted to be with me. Since then, it became a cycle. He would be an amazing boyfriend for a few weeks, and then would randomly have a meltdown. These meltdowns would start with him becoming mean and distant towards me, usually either out of nowhere or as an overreaction to something (like me running late). He'd tell me he wasn't sure about us and didn't know if he was just staying with me because we had a lease. I'd suggest breaking up, because as much as I loved him, I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly love me or is unsure. And then he would cry, tell me he couldn't stand to be without me, he even had a panic attack once because of it. This went on for months. He would also become very insecure, and jealous of a lot of my friends, one in particular. I never gave him a reason to be jealous or distrust me and I worked hard to make him feel secure and safe with me. Over the last month or so, a few of the "meltdowns" have been about feeling too much pressure on the relationship (again, anything that has been said about future plans was initiated by him) and saying that he thinks we might be incompatible. We are definitely different people, but before he started this cycle of hot/cold it was never a problem. We had fun together and were great for each other. Finally we broke up for good two days ago, and I'm trying to find a new place to live. I honestly couldn't take any more of his back and forth, and I don't want to be with someone who questions whether they want to be with me. It had begun to make me very depressed and felt like it was bordering on emotional abuse. He's been very unstable and has irrational mood swings that he takes out on me. He would use this to control me; I never got to go out with friends or do things I wanted to do because I didn't want to deal with him being angry at me for it. I honestly don't know if it's true about our compatibility, or if he isn't really in love with me, or if he's just afraid of commitment. I don't want to be in the relationship the way it has been - but I feel like we had something really incredible that he poked holes into out of fear. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here... advice about moving on, maybe? Any insights to what may have been going on in his head throughout all of this? Any chance this could be something worth saving, someday in the future? Sorry for such a long post, this has been so hard to deal with.
Gary S Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Well, there is no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. He's crazy. Mental problems can be a deal breaker.
Peachland Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Well, there is no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. He's crazy. Mental problems can be a deal breaker. Totally agree! Get out before he starts making you crazy. 1
katiegrl Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Hey all, first time posting. Here's my situation: I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago. He wasn't my "type" and I didn't initially see it going anywhere, but after we spent more and more time together I started to fall for him. I liked him because I felt like I could be myself around him, I enjoyed being around him, and felt we brought out the best in each other. A few months into us seeing each other I was looking to move to a new apartment in a different part of the city. I asked for his help in looking because I was still fairly new in town. He started jokingly telling me I should look for two-bedroom places so we could be roommates. Then it turned out he wasn't joking. I thought it would be fun (and we weren't serious at this point) so we actually did find a place to move into a few months later. In between the start of us looking and the actual move-in, we did get serious and even though it was early to be "moving in together" as a couple we did it anyway and things seemed great. I should mention that he was upfront about having very little experience in serious relationships, so we took our time getting to that point. Things were so awesome at first, we did fight occasionally but we always made up and we really loved each other. I had started wearing a fake wedding ring for my job (to deter clients from hitting on me) and he decided to start wearing one too, because he wanted to signify that he was no longer looking. A few months later things started to fall apart. He told me he didn't want to wear the ring anymore because it made him feel too "pressured" (again - this was his idea in the first place, I never asked him to wear it). On Christmas we went to visit his family and while there he got irrationally angry with me and broke things off. Two days later he went back on that and seemed like he was really trying to show me how much he loved and cared about me and wanted to be with me. Since then, it became a cycle. He would be an amazing boyfriend for a few weeks, and then would randomly have a meltdown. These meltdowns would start with him becoming mean and distant towards me, usually either out of nowhere or as an overreaction to something (like me running late). He'd tell me he wasn't sure about us and didn't know if he was just staying with me because we had a lease. I'd suggest breaking up, because as much as I loved him, I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly love me or is unsure. And then he would cry, tell me he couldn't stand to be without me, he even had a panic attack once because of it. This went on for months. He would also become very insecure, and jealous of a lot of my friends, one in particular. I never gave him a reason to be jealous or distrust me and I worked hard to make him feel secure and safe with me. Over the last month or so, a few of the "meltdowns" have been about feeling too much pressure on the relationship (again, anything that has been said about future plans was initiated by him) and saying that he thinks we might be incompatible. We are definitely different people, but before he started this cycle of hot/cold it was never a problem. We had fun together and were great for each other. Finally we broke up for good two days ago, and I'm trying to find a new place to live. I honestly couldn't take any more of his back and forth, and I don't want to be with someone who questions whether they want to be with me. It had begun to make me very depressed and felt like it was bordering on emotional abuse. He's been very unstable and has irrational mood swings that he takes out on me. He would use this to control me; I never got to go out with friends or do things I wanted to do because I didn't want to deal with him being angry at me for it. I honestly don't know if it's true about our compatibility, or if he isn't really in love with me, or if he's just afraid of commitment. I don't want to be in the relationship the way it has been - but I feel like we had something really incredible that he poked holes into out of fear. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here... advice about moving on, maybe? Any insights to what may have been going on in his head throughout all of this? Any chance this could be something worth saving, someday in the future? Sorry for such a long post, this has been so hard to deal with. How old is he? If it's early 20's he may be developing bipolar disorder which typically hits in your 20s. I am not a health care professional, but he does exhibit many symptoms. That combined with his apparent issues with commitment make him a very precarious candidate for a healthy long term committed relationship. You were right to end it. Try not to feel guilty, and if you are still in touch urge him to see a doctor, he is extremely unstable, and he must know that too.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 He isn't mentally stable. At this time, he won't be able to give you what you want. Enough is enough. You shouldn't have to be the dumping ground for his emotional and commitment issues. I dated a man similar to him, and it didn't get better. I am so much happier without the drama and constant push-pull in the my life.
Author Makeleveesnotwar Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 You have no idea how much I appreciate these replies. I've been feeling like I'm going crazy trying to figure out all of his craziness. Sometimes it's just really helpful to hear from an unbiased party. I probably should have specified, we are both 27. I think the bipolar suggestion is spot-on, unfortunately he will probably never seek therapy. It's just how he is and how he was raised. Thanks everyone for the reassurance that I'm doing the right thing... it's so hard to move forward, but it's starting to really feel like the right thing.
CharmieF Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I agree with all of the other comments. I would also recommend that you move out ASAP he doesn't sound like the sort of guy who will deal with a breakup too well and if you're still around him a lot it's not going to be the most harmonious of living situations - seriously even if it's just moving in with a friend or your parents (if you're on good terms with them) for short term. If he's the sort of guy likely to have panic attacks of mental breakdowns it doesn't bode well for either of you to be around each other for long
Downtown Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I think the bipolar suggestion is spot-on. Perhaps you are right, Levees. I note that the two most common causes of emotional instability are a strong hormone change (e.g., puberty) and drug abuse. Yet, because you seem to have ruled those out, it is significant that the two common remaining causes of instability are bipolar -- as you suspect -- and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention the BPD for several reasons. First, some of the behaviors you mention -- i.e., the irrational jealousy, very controlling behavior, and anger issues -- are far more characteristic of BPD than of bipolar disorder. Second, even if he does have bipolar-1 disorder, it does not rule out his also having BPD. About 36% of bipolar-1 sufferers also have BPD. And, third, the lifetime prevalence of BPD (at 6%) far exceeds that of bipolar-1 (estimated at 1% to 3%). To protect yourself from becoming romantically involved with other emotionally unstable men, I would suggest you learn how to spot the warning signs for both disorders. Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your Ex. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD and bipolar if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. If you are interested, an easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. Finally, if you ever feel strongly tempted to reconcile with your unstable Ex, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you have been dealing with. Take care, Levees.
Recommended Posts