Tread Carefully Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 For those of you who tell your AP that you think about them all the time. Is that true? I'm just very curious as to how it is possible to do that during the day to day life of an active marriage/family. How/when is there time to think about them? I'm especially curious about this with the MM.
GoldieLox Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I was in one, now no longer. I thought about him all the time all right, but not in the way that you may be thinking. Sure, some of it was good thoughts, but most of it was the negative effect this whole thing was having on my life and my marriage at the time. A lot of it was "how could I have such negative feelings towards him but still be attracted to him?" and trying to figure out why I couldn't just feel that attraction towards my husband again. My time was not filled with thinking "oh boy, I wish my AP would just leave his wife so we could live happily ever after because I just love him so much". Far from it. In the end, 2 months after the end of the A, the thoughts about the whole situation got so overwhelming and were actually destroying my marriage, which led to a confession. And I never... ever... told him I was thinking about him. I would never give him that much satisfaction. 1
TryingButFailing Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I'll be honest here, it might actually be true when he says it, he may also believe it when he says it, but it won't last. Its hard to explain but the OW is under a different department than the wife. In other words the feelings towards her are typically fleeting. It could be strong one day and completely gone the next. His wife will always be number one to him. If you're looking for true love you won't find it being an AP. His wife is the cake. Very few men ever develop the same connection to the "eat it too". I hope this doesn't come across as harsh. But trust me. I know what I'm talking about on this subject. 1
Author Tread Carefully Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you. I'm new here and I guess I should have gone into more detail about what I was asking. I'm confused because I don't know how it's possible for a married person to think about someone else very often while at home. To me, I would think that there wouldn't be any time to do that. With all the activity of day to day stuff, kids activities etc. Does it happen during down time like watching tv or is it fleeting thoughts or ? I've heard that long term marriage couples start to just go "through the motions" and I don't understand what that means either. I have been reading posts on here for a few weeks now and I have my own story but I'm not ready to share it yet. There are plenty of things I'm confused about and don't understand but that doesn't mean I'm stupid...just inexperienced.
GoldieLox Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you. I'm new here and I guess I should have gone into more detail about what I was asking. I'm confused because I don't know how it's possible for a married person to think about someone else very often while at home. To me, I would think that there wouldn't be any time to do that. With all the activity of day to day stuff, kids activities etc. Does it happen during down time like watching tv or is it fleeting thoughts or ? I've heard that long term marriage couples start to just go "through the motions" and I don't understand what that means either. I have been reading posts on here for a few weeks now and I have my own story but I'm not ready to share it yet. There are plenty of things I'm confused about and don't understand but that doesn't mean I'm stupid...just inexperienced. Going through the motions, in my happy opinion, means routine. You just get up, go to work, do what you need to go, go home and go to bed. Day after day. No excitement, no romance, no nothing. Life becomes boring and mundane. However, that's no reason nor excuse to cheat. You put your big person pants on and try to fix it. I mostly thought of the whole situation when I had nothing to distract me. When I was with my husband, I didn't think of it. When I was at work, it was always at the fore front of my mind because I work with him.
Author Tread Carefully Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Thank you for sharing with me Goldie, it's much appreciated.
Donate Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 When I was young it seemed easy to have an affair, I called my OW while at work and went to see her sometimes on my way home after work. Fridays and most Sundays I would spend with the OW. Since she lived close to my job I could even go to her house for lunch. These days I am not interested in an affair. I almost got into one with a female 20 years younger than me...it lasted for a couple of weeks until I stopped it. I don't have the time, energy or desire for an affair anymore.
SolG Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 This quote from an MM on another old thread here may shed some light on how it is for some: It's odd - you've got things that are meant to be great going on (a child's birthday party, a nice outing for dinner, a trip to the movies) but your mind is constantly focused elsewhere ... makes it hard to live in the moment. Add to that the constant thoughts of "damn ... why didn't we meet before we met our spouses ... we'd have been perfect for each other" etc. etc. My affair ended a few months ago, and I'm putting everything back into my M, going to IC etc., hopefully there's a way out and I'm finding myself thinking of her less and less - and I hope the same is true for her. You'll also find similar sentiments from some other MM on the infidelity board who constantly think of their APs. You should have a browse there. However, every A will have its own dynamic, so I'm sure there's no constant. Some MM probably manage to compartmentalize and barely think of their AP at all. 2
cocorico Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I'll be honest here, it might actually be true when he says it, he may also believe it when he says it, but it won't last. Its hard to explain but the OW is under a different department than the wife. In other words the feelings towards her are typically fleeting. It could be strong one day and completely gone the next. His wife will always be number one to him. If you're looking for true love you won't find it being an AP. His wife is the cake. Very few men ever develop the same connection to the "eat it too". I hope this doesn't come across as harsh. But trust me. I know what I'm talking about on this subject. Clearly you don't. My H definitely didn't consider the xBW "number one", or "cake". And I certainly found true love as an AP - that's why he dumped her with such alacrity, and why we're so happily M now.
cocorico Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Thank you. I'm new here and I guess I should have gone into more detail about what I was asking. I'm confused because I don't know how it's possible for a married person to think about someone else very often while at home. To me, I would think that there wouldn't be any time to do that. With all the activity of day to day stuff, kids activities etc. Does it happen during down time like watching tv or is it fleeting thoughts or ? I've heard that long term marriage couples start to just go "through the motions" and I don't understand what that means either. I have been reading posts on here for a few weeks now and I have my own story but I'm not ready to share it yet. There are plenty of things I'm confused about and don't understand but that doesn't mean I'm stupid...just inexperienced. It's like any other falling in love. When you wash the dishes with a silly smile on your face, or find yourself singing as you carry out the rubbish. Even if you're not consciously dwelling on your beloved, they're filling your heart, lifting your mood, breathing colour into your life.
Toodaloo Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Clearly you don't. My H definitely didn't consider the xBW "number one", or "cake". And I certainly found true love as an AP - that's why he dumped her with such alacrity, and why we're so happily M now. To be fair you are very much in the minority though... your case is VERY VERY rare... 1
Got it Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I'll be honest here, it might actually be true when he says it, he may also believe it when he says it, but it won't last. Its hard to explain but the OW is under a different department than the wife. In other words the feelings towards her are typically fleeting. It could be strong one day and completely gone the next. His wife will always be number one to him. If you're looking for true love you won't find it being an AP. His wife is the cake. Very few men ever develop the same connection to the "eat it too". I hope this doesn't come across as harsh. But trust me. I know what I'm talking about on this subject. :laugh::laugh: Okay! :laugh::laugh: Oh my, that was funny. OP- Yes I would have said I thought about my AP a lot, though if I was going for a LITERAL all the time I don't think that is possible to just function in life. But was he on my mind a lot, sure. And I know the same was true. Is this true for everyone? No of course not. You will have a full spectrum of people and how they think and feel, just like in other emotional situations. So what one person says may or may not be true in your situation. It is going to vary by person. So you will have to ask him. 1
RoseVille Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 I was in one, now no longer. I thought about him all the time all right, but not in the way that you may be thinking. Sure, some of it was good thoughts, but most of it was the negative effect this whole thing was having on my life and my marriage at the time. A lot of it was "how could I have such negative feelings towards him but still be attracted to him?" and trying to figure out why I couldn't just feel that attraction towards my husband again. My time was not filled with thinking "oh boy, I wish my AP would just leave his wife so we could live happily ever after because I just love him so much". Far from it. In the end, 2 months after the end of the A, the thoughts about the whole situation got so overwhelming and were actually destroying my marriage, which led to a confession. And I never... ever... told him I was thinking about him. I would never give him that much satisfaction. This makes it sound like you held contempt for your AP throughout your A? This is the first I've seen/read of this...
GoldieLox Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 This makes it sound like you held contempt for your AP throughout your A? This is the first I've seen/read of this... No, I simply didn't want to inflate his head any more than it already was. Just because I was in the middle of an affair with him doesn't mean I had my goggles on 100%. He's arrogant and loves to hear himself talk. Everything was and is always about him, and I thought that long before I ever laid hands on him.
RoseVille Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 This quote from an MM on another old thread here may shed some light on how it is for some: It's odd - you've got things that are meant to be great going on (a child's birthday party, a nice outing for dinner, a trip to the movies) but your mind is constantly focused elsewhere ... makes it hard to live in the moment. Add to that the constant thoughts of "damn ... why didn't we meet before we met our spouses ... we'd have been perfect for each other" etc. etc. My affair ended a few months ago, and I'm putting everything back into my M, going to IC etc., hopefully there's a way out and I'm finding myself thinking of her less and less - and I hope the same is true for her. You'll also find similar sentiments from some other MM on the infidelity board who constantly think of their APs. You should have a browse there. However, every A will have its own dynamic, so I'm sure there's no constant. Some MM probably manage to compartmentalize and barely think of their AP at all. Yup. This sounds like my MM. I'm certain my MM was thinking of me during the times that were supposed to bring him joy and nothing to do with me (kids' soccer game, his own birthday party), because he'd reach out to me during those times. But I also think he was able to compartmentalize immediately after spending time together. He'd leave my home, only to immediate go into H/dad mode. As the time wore on, the walls of the box he put me/us in would erode, and he'd let me leak into his home life, his thoughts. And then he'd be contacting me.
Recommended Posts