Author Kbomb Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 @stillafool - I am not mad at your answers. They may be right, they may be wrong as they are only opinions. I am just irritated by your assumption and judgements.
casey.lives Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 kbomb you have commitment issues and you have a disregard for men. using them one after the other. you are only concerned with yourself. what about the children??!
Zahara Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 I can't imagine you trying to have babies with this guy while you're still legally married. What sort of dysfunction would these (present and future) children be witness to? SMH. Move on from this guy. His cheating is likely a blessing in your life because this relationship clearly isn't healthy for anyone. And he's probably sniffing around because this girl didn't work out. He's just falling back on you. Don't get too caught up about it. 1
HollowSea Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Yeah that's another thing, you have children in the middle of all this and all you can think about is yourself. Bringing one man after another into your life for your own selfish reasons. You don't give a **** and all because you don't want to wrestle with your emotions. Despicable.
No Limit Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Well guys, do give her some credit - she's obviously still in the affair fog and apparently everyone she knows is supporting her affair because, well, you need something to talk about in breaks right? I'd just like to encourage you to divorce, it's everything but fair to your husband. You may also leave your children with him since you have lots of other things on your mind right now. 2
goodyblue Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Well guys, do give her some credit - she's obviously still in the affair fog and apparently everyone she knows is supporting her affair because, well, you need something to talk about in breaks right? I'd just like to encourage you to divorce, it's everything but fair to your husband. You may also leave your children with him since you have lots of other things on your mindright now. The kid thing is really bugging me too. We did not meet one another's children until months after he left his ex, and during our affair his child was an adult and, while most of mine are small, were certainly not neglected and I did not hurt them or neglect them in any way. This woman seems completely out in left field with pretty much everything she says. op, the reason I mentioned smoking in the hospital is because you said people had seen him smoking and hanging around your office door. Unless your office is outside... not making much sense. Where I live you cannot smoke within 50 feet of the hospital.
Author Kbomb Posted April 18, 2015 Author Posted April 18, 2015 Ok First off - Yes my office is outside!!!! Do you think I'm lying? Why would you even question that?? That seems strange to me! DO NOT JUDGE MY PARENTING. How dare you tell me I have neglected my children!! I can almost guarantee your children have been much more neglected than mine just by your horrible judgmental attitude!! and I fell sorry for your children! I am a good mother and I do not need anyones validation on that! I love my kids and they come first before anybody! And as for leaving them with my H that is the biggest joke I have ever heard. He can't even support himself let alone two other human beings. Leave my children alone. This is about my relationship not my kids. This is long it was my reply on another thread but it might help you see my story more clearly - I have made bad decisions in my life and I know that. and my story also saddens me. This is not what I dreamed of when I was a little girl. Like I said in my earlier post - When I first met OM he lied to me about his age, I thought he was only 4 years younger than me, He even lied and said he had a 5 year old son. By the time I found out the truth I already had deep feelings for him. My H is 21 years older than me. I was 19 and he was 40 when we met. He's an old man now but he is not innocent. He cheated on me for many years and spent years in prison. I know I should have left years ago but I was young and foolish and I really wanted ''my family'' to work. Over the years there was resentment and we grew apart. But like I said earlier there are reasons, not excuses why we are still married on paper. We get along as friends so its good for the kids. OM knew my situation when we met, because my husband told him that we weren't together like that. They were friends. OM pursued me knowing everything. When we first got together I talked at length with OM about my situation, having kids and the age gap. He said he did not care and that he loved me and was willing to wait. We had this talk many many times over the years. I hired OM because he needed a job about a year into our relationship. Its not like I met him at work. I know now that was a mistake. I have realized that until I D my H and move on I can't have a real relationship with any man, so I am going to work on that. I have been talking to my H about me and the kids moving out. I am going to find a place to rent because I guess this arrangement is not healthy. I do not know how my H will pay his bills because he can't look after himself so I guess I will be paying both bills until he is old enough to collect SS because I won't have my kids sit by and watch their father fade away because I left him, that happened before the last time I left and I can't watch it happen again. when his immigration issues are clear I will file for D. Despite how dysfunctional it all was I had a very loving and happy relationship with OM for 4 years. It was beautiful and we were deeply in love and happy - we even built a house together that now sits empty. We had plans for the future. I think OM had deep insecurities about not being able to have kids that he did not share with me. He was trying to get me pregnant but after 4 years nothing. I was on the Depo shot before I met him and I think this may be why because I heard it can take years to wear off. In any case Im glad it never happened because if that is the reason he left then he was a scumbag. I think he cheated just to see if he can get a girl pregnant, when this girl told him she was pregnant he decided I was the problem and left. He later found out she lied. He is miserable and I think they are almost over now, she was rebound and every decision he made was way too quick. And all of that shows how immature he really is. The co - worker I was dating pursued me immediately after the breakup, I was lonely and hurt and I needed someone. I have ended that because my feelings weren't in it. I am not ''right'' in any of this I know that. But neither am I a predator. I am just a girl that is trying to find happiness like everyone else. But I have made all the wrong choices for so long, maybe I will never be right. I don't want OM back anymore, I did at first but not now. I could be his friend though because I do not understand how people can hate someone they once loved? but in saying that he has hurt me too much and I see his true colors now. it was never meant to be. Lucky it happened now while Im still young enough to find someone real. Thanks for your help, I am messed up in relationships and I know it. But please leave my kids alone.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 So much to touch upon here... Hey, YOU first brought your kids up, all's fair here on LS...that being said, you have no idea the damage you're doing to them. My parents stayed together "for the kids' sake" and you know what happened? I thought it was normal in a relationship to not do anything with your spouse, because that's what I had learned. I knew no communication or problem solving skills, because I didn't see my parents ever really talk. So, when my husband ended up having an affair, I didn't see any red flags because I had an effed up view of what "normal" was in a relationship. I thought it was normal for the husband to stay away all weekend, because that's what MY dad did. I stayed in a miserable marriage because I didn't know that they could be happy. You said you and this OM built a house together (which, hey, you're looking for a place to live so you can leave your husband you said, so go there)? What do you think THAT is teaching them about relationships? That if they aren't going well, just take up with someone else. And that's a huge lack of respect for him as your husband too. So don't be surprised if they place zero value on the sanctity and gravity of a marriage vow either. So stop saying that you're putting them first, because you're doing anything but. As far as affair #2, you said that you and he had been attracted or interested in each other while you were with affair #1, so it wasn't like you were seduced or anything. He was handy, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you picked him BECAUSE you knew affair #1 was already aware of that attraction. The Depo shot wears off in one month after the previous one is due. It doesn't take years, you were told this when you started them, everyone is. I'm a nurse, I've given countless injections, and it's part of the required patient education for each time. Just another example of you making excuses or justifying something so it's not your fault. Petty, but again, you brought it up. Your ex left because you weren't ever going to do what he wanted, which was marry him and have children. He made a decision to help himself finally be happy. Bottom line, he was never going to get that with you. Time to start being honest with yourself, otherwise you're never going to heal. 1
Jessie1231 Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 I was wondering about this house you guys built too. It's sitting empty while he's living with his parents and you're living with your husband you don't want to be married to. How is that? 1
toffeecream77 Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 I am really sorry to say this, I hope you won't be too upset. But he is too young still, he won't be able to meet your expectations. He's already shown that. Something wasn't right with your relationship. You may have thought it was good, but he didn't, otherwise he would not have cheated. Try to forget about him, if you can. It will be hard, but you can do it. Find a more fulfilling relationship with a man who truly wants you, and nobody else. You deserve that. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Ok, just happened upon this thread. So this is what I'm understanding. 1. You are in a long-term marriage with children with a man who has cheated on you so instead of getting a divorce you decide to... 2. Have an affair of your own with a co-worker who you are in charge of managing. This goes on for four years, then he .... 3. Cheats on you with another woman in part because you don't want to marry him because you're married to someone else. You learn this and decide to ... 4. Fire him from his job, which is ridiculous. How he hasn't sued you for unlawful dismissal is beyond me. You can't fire someone from their job because you're angry with them or sleeping with someone else. After all this, you decide to ... 5. Take his transportation as payment for money he owes you and can't pay you because you fired him from his job. So now he has no job and no vehicle. So at this point you wonder if he's mad at you?.... 6. Yes, of course he is. Was he right to cheat on you? No. But you can't play the victim when you are a cheater yourself. And on top of this, you decide to date another co-worker (who I'm hoping you aren't in charge of) because you are feeling lonely? And you find that acceptable? This whole situation is just "whoa". Every party involved in this saga, from your husband to yourself to your 4-year fling to this new sap you are using, has major, major issues. My advice is to a) get a proper divorce b) stop dating co-workers and people you are in charge of and c) concentrate on your children. This is toxic all around. 9
seminoles84 Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Haha Simon nailed it. Can't believe you haven't been sued but doesn't sound like this guy isn't the sharpest tool in the toolbox. 2
Stercrazy Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Not only could you be sued at the bare minimum you could be fired. Having a relationship with a coworker of whom you are in charge of (managing) is called Nepotism. And for the record.....if my 19 year old daughter brought home a 40 year old man I would be going to jail for kicking his ass! Just sayin'...
Lurkeraspect Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 There are SO many holes in this story. Question: why were you talking about renting an apartment (to leave your sham marriage) if you "built" a house? Certainly seems like the perfect answer to your housing issue. Question: why would you be paying for your husbands life if you divorced? Question: Why doesn't your husband work? You need MANY years alone. Raise your kids, set a better example for them, and leave all men alone. It's obvious your picker is very broken.
BC1980 Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Leave my children alone. This is about my relationship not my kids. Once you have kids, everything else is about them too. Everything that you do affects them in some way, directly or indirectly. To be honest, your marriage and your romantic relationships probably impact your children more than anything else you can do. 4
joseb Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Ok, just happened upon this thread. So this is what I'm understanding. 1. You are in a long-term marriage with children with a man who has cheated on you so instead of getting a divorce you decide to... 2. Have an affair of your own with a co-worker who you are in charge of managing. This goes on for four years, then he .... 3. Cheats on you with another woman in part because you don't want to marry him because you're married to someone else. You learn this and decide to ... 4. Fire him from his job, which is ridiculous. How he hasn't sued you for unlawful dismissal is beyond me. You can't fire someone from their job because you're angry with them or sleeping with someone else. After all this, you decide to ... 5. Take his transportation as payment for money he owes you and can't pay you because you fired him from his job. So now he has no job and no vehicle. So at this point you wonder if he's mad at you?.... 6. Yes, of course he is. Was he right to cheat on you? No. But you can't play the victim when you are a cheater yourself. And on top of this, you decide to date another co-worker (who I'm hoping you aren't in charge of) because you are feeling lonely? And you find that acceptable? This whole situation is just "whoa". Every party involved in this saga, from your husband to yourself to your 4-year fling to this new sap you are using, has major, major issues. My advice is to a) get a proper divorce b) stop dating co-workers and people you are in charge of and c) concentrate on your children. This is toxic all around. Honestly, it reads like a daytime soap drama. Assuming it is real, then my simple advice would be to stay away from relationships for a long time. Work on rebuilding a life on your own (with your kids). And don't try to be friends with this guy. I'd recommend therapy to help you deal with your issues. When you have spent some time (months/years) alone, and are ready to date again, watch for these red flags that you ignored before: - huge age gaps - obsessions with getting married and having kids from the beginning - mad/crazy 'love' at the beginning - never lasts - 'would do anything for me, I was his world' - not healthy - 'he was there like superman'- and your comments re someone 'stealing him' - sounds like unhealthy dependency - relationships with co-workers - cheating - it's never acceptable 1
SLee Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 I'm agreeing with a lot of other people here. Stay away from this guy. He's bad news. I'm not saying age-difference relationships can't work, but with everything else, this is just not a good situation. Keep moving on. Take care of yourself and your children. Don't idolize him. I know that's difficult. My ex who recently dumped me was also like a "superman", he cooked for me, was at my every whim and need (even though that's not what I wanted in a partner, and never demanded it of him), he was constantly there for me and was obsessed with me. He wanted to get married and have a future together. Sometimes I find myself romanticizing this aspect of him, instead of seeing it for what it actually was: He was obsessed with me and it was not healthy. He switched majors and schools for me after I told him not to do it for ME. He was possessive. He limited the time he wanted me to see my friends. He forced me to give up on life goals I had for his sake. It was not good. That's what you need to remember in a situation like this. It was NOT healthy. And the way he's treating this other woman is despicable. Even if it's act. What's to stop him from treating you the same way? Also, I don't know him, so I can't say with absolute certainty but a good question to consider is, how do you know what the "real him" is? Also what he thinks or what his opinions are don't matter. He cheated. The relationship ended. He's not your problem anymore. Do yourself a favor. Stay away from him. Move on. Take care of you and do your own thing. That's what it's about now. 1
hoping2heal Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Kbomb, Do you want advice or do you just want people to pop on here and tell you what you would like to hear? You wouldn't be the first to come on seeking validation versus candid and helpful advice. Who knows how long he has been cheating. You only know what you know, but either way...you have no self-respect for yourself at this moment in that your concern is not getting you and your children away from this cheater, but rather, trying to figure out if you still have a chance with him. You're lucky he's a naive person because firing someone just because it hurts you to see them is illegal. Hiring someone just because you have feelings for them may not be illegal but it raises ethical questions and shows poor judgement at best. There can only be one reason why a 32 year old woman could fathom getting with a 22 year old boy; major immaturity. At 22, his brain is not yet fully developed. At 32, yours is...but somehow you were on the level of this 22 year old kid. OK. So maybe this is just who you are but you have to realize at some point you can only get as good as what you sign up for. You want to keep chasing someone who cheats and lies, okay, but that's all you're getting. 1
Author Kbomb Posted April 19, 2015 Author Posted April 19, 2015 Thanks everyone@ SLEE - You gave advice rather than read my story the way you wanted to hear it. Thanks for that!!! And I agree with everything you said. You described OM exactly!!!!! He was like that for the entire 4 years right up until the day I found out he was cheating. and you are right its NOT healthy. Yes I am here for help and advice its just getting rather irritating that no matter how many times I explain my problems here a lot of people just read it the way they want to see it. I never cheated on my husband - Get that through your heads!! ( our separation and arrangement is mutual) To me its only cheating if the other person thinks your in a relationship and you go behind their back with someone else. ( Exactly what OM did - so yes HE was cheating. period.) Yes we built a house together, it's on his families land..... but they were not living in it. IDK y he had he moved her into the main house with him and his parents probably to help him look after them because they are sick. Anyway she's gone now they are over. He absolutely hates her for lying to him about being pregnant. @ Stercrazy & who ever else jumped on the firing thing - Sorry to burst your judgmental bubbles - but there is no possible law suit for me firing him and if you had read my post above you would see why but obviously you didn't read it, so in that case I don't need your 2 cents!. I was not wrong in that situation he was. He was lucky thanks to me he had a job as long as he did. And when I met my husband I was on the street, I didn't grow up with family stability. I have come along way from that. Everything I have I earned it myself without anyones help and I am doing pretty damn good for myself in that area. I wish I had someone to advise me about the age gap and all that back then. Ziggy - I mentioned ONCE that I have kids because I do but my threads are about my relationships. I know I'm a good mother so don't need advice there. I may have made bad mistakes with men but to say i have neglected my children is just plain wrong and that was what I was getting at. My mother married 4 different men while I was growing up and she left my father when I was 5. He never remarried and died a lonely man ( maybe thats Y I find it hard to throw my H out on the street with nothing. no he can't work) Also if your a nurse you should know better. In fact you can google how the Depo shot can and has damaged thousands upon thousands of woman.They should take if off the market. Although it turned out to be a blessing for me with this loser. So to be honest IDK what a healthy relationship is myself and now it seems both me and my H have F(*&^ that up for my kids too. I always told myself I would never do that, never be like my mother. And about the co - worker - no he dint seduce me, but he knew I had just broken up with my ex so think what you want about that. Its over and I ended it. Maybe I used him, Maybe he used me - whats the point? We are still friends with no hard feelings. @Hoping2heal - I already told you in my last post here - OM lied about his age, I thought we were close in age when we met as I have already said at least 3 times. Im tired of repeating myself. You people read what you want to read then go off on a judgment. @joseb - EVERYTHING you said is wrong. All the way fro 1 -6 ! READ MY POST - DONT TWIST IT. THEN ANSWER HONESTLY. Don't just make my story up and then add your own answers!!!!!! @Lukerespect - What holes? all your questions were answered in my last post??? My husband can't work because he's old, sick and has immigration issues! The house we built is on OM land and no he did not move that evil witch into it. So yeah maybe he just used her as a rebound to get out of his relationship with me because he thought I was never going to marry him. Probably. and maybe I never would have married him either but its not because I wasn't going to D my H because that freedom is all I dream about!!!! It would have been because he can't hold a job and was irresponsible and he was very needy of my attention all the time and I agree with EXACTLY on that Slee! Or maybe he just used her to see if he can get A girl pregnant. To ''see'' if he's the problem. When she dint get pregnant after three months he dumped her. She deserved that though!! Either way he was an ******* pretending to be a good person to me for 4 long years!!!! AND I DONT WANT HIM BACK ANYMORE!!!! I don't want ANY relationship right now. I have changed my phone number and I am going to concentrate on figuring out a healthy way to leave and D my H that works for all of us. At this point - I believe all men lie and all men cheat and right now I don't want one. Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it!!!
Lurkeraspect Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Good luck K-bomb. Seems you don't need or want any advice as you've got it all figured out, even though your life is a mess. Just an FYI-- your husbands immigration status, age, health, unemployment have no bearing on your getting a divorce. I think you must know that on some level, yet keep coming up with all these excuses why it's taken you YEARS to divorce, and your justification for your affairs. Probably should have knocked that out while he was in prison. Anyway, I'm out. 3
ZiggyZoo Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 You can nitpick what we have to say, you can make as many excuses as you want, and you can justify your decision making as long as it takes for you to feel right about all this. But the bottom line is, until and unless you start to become honest with yourself and accept responsibility for your actions, you're going to stay stuck. You could check back in five years, and your ex will still be with that woman, his sister will still be feeding you stories about them, and you'll still be in your same sad sham of a marriage. We're trying to help you, but all you hear is the criticism. You ask for advice, but get upset when it's given. I've read every post on every one of your threads, and people have been extremely helpful. You're your own worst enemy here, trying to twist your own words to get the response you want. That's helping no one, least of all you. 2
goodyblue Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Good luck K-bomb. Seems you don't need or want any advice as you've got it all figured out, even though your life is a mess. Just an FYI-- your husbands immigration status, age, health, unemployment have no bearing on your getting a divorce. I think you must know that on some level, yet keep coming up with all these excuses why it's taken you YEARS to divorce, and your justification for your affairs. Probably should have knocked that out while he was in prison. Anyway, I'm out. So... a forty year old ex con who won't work. A 22 year old boy who is immature and has no life experience. Your picker is broken. Get into therapy and find out why you choose men that have absolutely nothing to offer you. I never said you neglected your children. Every relationship is different, but really, things have a way of affecting children. I was simply stating what I did to ensure my children were ok in the transition. Affair relationships are tricky and how you handle your children during that time is very important. I will say, whether you think you are a great mother or not, whether you think they are fine or not, this situation, to an outsider, is severely dysfunctional. Your children, without their father because he is in prison, their parents relationship, which is a friendship not a marriage, their mother who is a serial cheater (whether you like it or not, you ARE married and sleeping with two other people), then their mother going through silent torment because her affair partner ended the relationship. None of this is healthy no matter what spin you put on it and you need a therapist. And so do your kids. 3
Author Kbomb Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Goodyblue - You are right I do need a therapist and everything is dysfunctional I know that. My H is no longer in prison he spent many years in prison when the kids were younger and hes almost 60 now with health issues, not 40. Also OM is no longer 22, hes now 26. My kids have never met OM, I have kept them away from that. I never wanted to introduce them to anyone until my D is done and gone and even then after some time has past. Ziggy - OM relationship is over now. He sent her home over the weekend. She was not a good person and she did not care about him. OM sent me a FB message last night to call him when I feel like talking. I will not be calling him. Ever. I hope he takes time to heal before he moves on next time. I am going to take the time to better myself. I know there is no future with OM he is too wishy washy and I know it would only happen again. NC really helps. 9 Weeks ago I wanted him back no matter what. Now even though I still love him we have both come this far out of this toxic relationship its better for us to stay this way. And I must admit knowing hes not with her anymore and going through the same thing as me and finally dealing with his emotions about our breakup helps me, It feels right. I can be defensive when I feel that facts have been distorted, I apologize for that. Thanks for your advice, for everyones. It does help alot!!!
Recommended Posts