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I feel smothered.


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Posted

My ex and I of a year and a half broke up February 21st, and we met up twice in March and had sex. He no longer wanted a relationship. Finally I went full NC the day after the last time we had sex and blocked him on everything. Besides one text crumb of him saying "I just want to say...Stay away from Ryan" then the morning after said "Sorry I shouldn't have texted you, I was in a weird place last night" (Ryan is a guy I am casually hanging out with) I have not communicated with my ex and don't plan to. He has not texted me again and that was a bit over a week ago.

 

On St. Patrick's day I randomly met up with an acquaintance who I met through my ex at a bar and we hooked up that night (I'll call him Ryan). Since then Ryan has been texting me everyday and wanting to hang out (go out to eat, planning a camping trip), wanting to spend the night constantly, and we have hooked up a couple times since. I made it clear the day after St. Patrick's day that I was NOT looking for a boyfriend or to date anyone at all and that I was not over my ex. He said he understood and knows about my situation with my ex. I am guessing my ex heard about me spending time/hooking up with Ryan through our mutual friends. I don't really care about that though, or what he thinks. His ego is just hurt.

 

Anyways, today I kind of had enough of Ryan. I went to Ryan's house party on Friday night and had a lot of fun mingling with his friends (also one of my ex's best friends was there and we chatted and everything was fine). We all went out to a bar near his place and then I went back to his apartment and stayed the night with him. Yesterday he texted me and wanted to hang out again, and I said I was out with my girlfriend and I couldn't, which was true. Then today he texted again, wanting to hang out. I had to remind him "I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I like hanging out with you but I am not looking for a boyfriend or to date anyone right now, so hanging out everyday is a bit too much." and Ryan replied "I know that. I just like hanging out with you." I then said "Okay cool :) I'm glad we are on the same page." and he hasn't responded.

 

I honestly just felt smothered by him. The constant contact and wanting to see me daily was too much. I feel like now I have to back off and not hook up with him anymore. I feel like I would feel bad if I wanted to start dating someone else.

I want to be friends with him though, and we have a lot of mutual friends since he knows most of my ex boyfriends' friends. I don't want things to be awkward or to hurt him.

 

How can I rectify this situation? I feel like I messed up but I made my intentions loud and clear in the beginning.

Posted

I get why you feel smothered. He's not acting like someone who's OK with a casual FWB situation. Since he clearly likes you more than he's letting on. you need to end it. "Ryan" seems like a decent enough guy though. So I'd at least say to send him a text and end it to give him closure. Just disappearing on someone is always the coward's way out.

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Posted

The key thing is to not be "friends" or FWB with someone who has feelings for you. There is nothing you can do to make a friendship happen....he will keep pining for you. You need to cut him off completely so he can get over you and move on.

 

Don't worry about hurt feelings, he knew what he was going into, so not your problem.

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Posted
I get why you feel smothered. He's not acting like someone who's OK with a casual FWB situation. Since he clearly likes you more than he's letting on. you need to end it. "Ryan" seems like a decent enough guy though. So I'd at least say to send him a text and end it to give him closure. Just disappearing on someone is always the coward's way out.

 

Definitely. I feel pretty badly because I totally did not expect him to like me as much as he does. I honestly thought it would be a one night stand, which I don't usually do but I was drunk and vulnerable at the time. Which is not a good reason.

When I met Ryan before he seemed like a player (that is also why my ex told me to stay away from him). I just can't see myself dating him because he isn't my type, he comes off as immature emotionally. But he is super fun to hang out with as a friend and is a nice guy.

 

I'm thinking being physical with him has been a mistake. I feel like I ruined a potentially good friendship. I don't want to hurt him. What would be a good thing to say to let him down easy, but to let him know I would still be okay with hanging out as friends? Or would that be too hurtful right now?

 

He still hasn't said anything to my last text.

  • Like 1
Posted
Definitely. I feel pretty badly because I totally did not expect him to like me as much as he does. I honestly thought it would be a one night stand, which I don't usually do but I was drunk and vulnerable at the time. Which is not a good reason.

When I met Ryan before he seemed like a player (that is also why my ex told me to stay away from him). I just can't see myself dating him because he isn't my type, he comes off as immature emotionally. But he is super fun to hang out with as a friend and is a nice guy.

 

I'm thinking being physical with him has been a mistake. I feel like I ruined a potentially good friendship. I don't want to hurt him. What would be a good thing to say to let him down easy, but to let him know I would still be okay with hanging out as friends? Or would that be too hurtful right now?

 

He still hasn't said anything to my last text.

 

Well if he doesn't contact you again, then the problem takes care of itself. But if he does reach out again eventually, just say exactly what you told us : "Ryan, you're looking for more than I can give you. So I don't want to see you again."

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Posted

You can probably be friends in the future, but not now. Cut him loose, and give him time to find a girlfriend. The FWB arrangement can't work if one person has feelings. 'tis the price we pay to be human, lol

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Posted

You are all right. If we stop talking though I lose out on our mutual friends pretty much because it will be awkward. I feel so bad right now..

I turn into a heartbreaking b*itch when I am single I have realized. I should just stay away from men altogether.

Posted

How to rectify the situation is not to always be available. So simple. Do you have trouble saying no to men? Because that inhibition will cause you to gather problematic men and never be able to get rid of them.

 

And if you're still getting texts from the ex, you have not blocked him. Block him or change your number.

  • Author
Posted
How to rectify the situation is not to always be available. So simple. Do you have trouble saying no to men? Because that inhibition will cause you to gather problematic men and never be able to get rid of them.

 

And if you're still getting texts from the ex, you have not blocked him. Block him or change your number.

 

I said no to hanging out with Ryan last night and have on a couple other occasions also when he wanted to come spend the night. I probably say yes 60% of the time..or even less than that actually.

 

And my ex has only contacted me the once. I blocked him on every social media but I didn't block his number, just deleted it out of my phone. It was surprising as that's the only time he's contacted me

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