Joannamay Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Me and my boyfriend of almost 3 years (with a 6 month break inbetween) have just ended.. His decision. I dropped out of uni a few months ago and have moved back home and none of my friends are really around so my only real help is from my mum to make me feel better. But I want someone who has gone through something similar to talk to on a regular basis... I don't know if were able to transfer personal details but speaking to someone a lot on here would be great I'm a 21 year old female just wanting some emotional support, I would love to help out other people too. I'm really struggling
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 It's new & it's fresh. That's why it hurts to much. You have also had other major changes in your life so you feel particularly vulnerable, scared & directionless. Talk to your mom. Look up your old friends. Make some new friends. Take some time to grieve & heal. Figure out a new life plan for you. Do not include fall in love, get married or have kids in the plan. Identify who YOU are then worry about the rest. You will get through this. Hang in there.
Author Joannamay Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Thank you for your reply I've never felt so alone in my life, it hurts because we are still madly in love but he tells me that he can live without me because of breaking his trust (no cheating or anything like that) and I feel I cannot live without him. We had so many future plans and everything reminds me of him, we have broken up before but both times I had this feeling we would end up back together... Which we did. This time is different, I know this is the real deal and it's very hard to cope
hollypolly Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Hey hun. You will find alot of support on this forum. We are all going through tough break-ups and hopefully we can help each other. Ive found the support here fantastic and its great to get advice and vent. I know you are going through hell. The pain and the anxiety post break-up from someone you love is alot to bear. Just be kind to yourself and treat yourself. I am a huge believer in No Contact (NC). Its not about getting an ex back, its about healing yourself and it honestly is the only way forward if youve been dumped. Im heading on for one month now and it does get a little easier. Ive done this before so I know for sure its the best way to deal with it for me. Do you want to tell us what happened?
Marco Valerio Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Hi friend: You have me here. Break ups are very difficult situations, we all know. What were the issues for your break up?
Author Joannamay Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Thank you for your sweet reply holly I've read about NC and it sounds amazing and I am so proud of people who manage to do it... I really want to give it a try at some point soon properly. I haven't contacted him for over 24 hours which is a big milestone for me. Here's my story (sorry it's quite long): We met back in 2010 at a GCSE results party and found out we were going to the same sixth form, I was instantly attracted to him. We ended up in the same psychology class and we really hit it off, we were dating for about 2 weeks and I called it off because I used to go off guys because off the smallest thing. Anyway we remain friends and I know that he is crazy about me and he told me friends he would always be waiting for me if I ever wanted to give us another shot. Skip ahead a couple of years and were at the same party and we end up kissing and that's where our proper relationship begins. This was the first guy I had ever had such strong feelings for, he was my first proper boyfriend. He was starting university a month after we go together and always had my doubts thinking he might meet someone there as we hadn't made it official yet. I went to visit him the first time and it was clear that our relationship was the real thing. We were made about each other even though we were long distance, we worked hard to make it work and we made it through his first year of uni. There were small problems involving his friends as we had a mutual dislike for each other, and I never connected with his family (there iranian and weren't exactly welcoming to me) I then started university the following september and this is when it started to get rocky, he lacked trust in me when going out clubbing (a lot of this links to his mother who he lost all trust and faith in) but I never cheated on him and no matter how much I tried to make him Feel better he always had his doubts. He often kept a lot of things to himself and didn't want to risk losing me. Nearing the end of my first year at uni i admittedly started to take advantage of the fact he would do anything to stay with me - I would have a go at him at the smallest things. I think this is when I started to push him away... Over summer I went to Cyprus with a few of my girls from uni, over there we befriended a group of guys one which I really got on well with (I would have got mad at him befriending a group of girls on holiday but I was being selfish and didn't think twice that he might be angry) anyway when we got back I had this guy on snapchat and we sent each other a few snapchats - none of which were suggestive or flirty - and my boyfriend found out and it just pushed him over the edge and he ended it with me. That was 8 months ago. I was shattered my world had fell apart and I had NO idea what to do with myself, I'm a uch a codependent person and I felt lost - on top of that I was hating my uni course and was always I'll. I was driving myself into a dark pit of depression. Over a period of 3 months I slept with 3 people which I regret MASSIVELY and have only myself to blame, all drunken mistakes which I wish never happened. Anyway during the break up me and my ex were still occasionally talking, I thought I was over him but it turns out I was not. Over the Xmas period I was spending lots of time with him, we were sleeping together and we spoke about starting up our relationship again. I was the happiest person alive. As the end of the Christmas break came around he decided it wouldn't work out, I felt like I had been broken up with again... And then a couple of days later he says he wants to give it another shot. I'm obviously very happy and I head back to uni (at this point I was only going back to uni to see if I wanted to carry on the course even though I was 99% sure I wanted to drop out) my boyfriend helps me through all my stress and makes me feel amazing. One thing that I had kept under wraps was how many people I slept with while we were apart - I told him 2 when it was 3. I knew there was one person he would have hated me sleeping with as he is known to sleep with many many women. My boyfriend had only slept with 1 girl. The guilt builds up and I eventually tell him about the third guy and he flips at me and breaks up with me. Once again my world comes falling down, I thought it would be the right thing to tell him and he would appreciate the honesty and we could move forward. I hated myself for what I did and I wasn't going to stop fighting for he man I love. A week and a half passes with regular talking and me apologising sincerely many a time and we end up getting back together. The truth was all out in the open and I felt like a weight was lifted from my chest. Over the next couple of weeks he has a really big problem with the people that I had slept with telling me that they look nothing like him and that he is not my type, which isn't true at all as he is my perfect man and I've never been attracted to someone in my life. He almost breaks up with me again but he decides against it. 2 weeks pass and he goes back to Oxford for a couple of days and he keeps getting mad at me for sleeping with this guy and asking me to repeat the story to see if I've slipped up, he keeps calling me a liar even though I was telling the truth. Arguments started coming up about the smallest things and he was turning nasty. So the next day he comes back home and breaks up with me - this time for good. So now I'm left here alone after going through a crazy emotional journey and I'm feeling so tired out Sorry that was so long just thought I should get a lot of the details in!
Marco Valerio Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Okay, to start with, I hope you've learned to never lie again, because trust is everything in a relationship, and once it's gone is gone for good. The second thing is, love is the opposite of being selfish. There sometimes in life where you have to sacrifice things to keep others. That's something you have to accept. If you feel you are too worried of sacrificing for love, maybe is not your place in that relationship. Your situation now looks very rocky. You should definetly go NC. And as I said before, once the trust is gone is gone for good. You should give it a long time to settle down, maybe in the long run, who knows, you can be friends. But the key point here is, that you need to detach from him by going NC. It's hard to do it, but it's the best for you. Do you keep a diary?
hollypolly Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 please stop beating yourself up. You didnt cheat on him. You guys had broken up. You were hurting and you made some mistakes. Your allowed that as are we all. You were faithful to this guy and him not being able to get past this is not your fault in any way. You did your best and sadly this was not meant to be. When you break up with someone, you are both free to be with other people as you are both single. Just because he chose not to doesnt make you a bad person. I can totally see why you only mentioned two when he reacted so badly. you were honest in the end and that tells alot about you. Hold your head up high and know you tried your best. It just wasnt the right person or the right time maybe.
hollypolly Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 please stop beating yourself up. You didnt cheat on him. You guys had broken up. You were hurting and you made some mistakes. Your allowed that as are we all. You were faithful to this guy and him not being able to get past this is not your fault in any way. You did your best and sadly this was not meant to be. When you break up with someone, you are both free to be with other people as you are both single. Just because he chose not to doesnt make you a bad person. I can totally see why you only mentioned two when he reacted so badly. you were honest in the end and that tells alot about you. Hold your head up high and know you tried your best. It just wasnt the right person or the right time maybe. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Oh, big hugs from me, first off. And I'm 100% with hollypolly, don't be so hard on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Now is the time to be very good to yourself, you're hurting enough as it is. I absolutely believe in NC as well. It gives you a chance to step back and take care of yourself, without getting set back by further upsets from interacting with your ex. It hurts like hell, but trust me, trying to contact him and him either ignoring it or saying something that you don't want to hear is MUCH worse. You'll get through this. I've been there, and I had times where I had to go one hour at a time to get through the day. And there's plenty of others too who are glad to help. To start though, just let yourself cry if you need to cry. This is the early part, which is terrible and raw, but it will pass. Keep posting, we'll help!
Author Joannamay Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Thanks for your reply guys, really appreciating the support What is really hurting me is that he decided to get back together after I came out fully with the truth, and while we were together I was the perfect girlfriend, I never spoke to any guys looked at any guys nothing, not just because I didn't want to hurt him but bedside I have no interest in anyone else. Over the 8 months while we were apart I learnt A LOT, I look back at the relationship and realise that I was unfair and that you have to be equal. I wish I learnt this all before because he is the most perfect guy in the whole world. The day before we broke up he was discussing booking a holiday with me and we spoke about travelling together, how can someone turn completely around and then break up with me? My head is messed up. What do I do when/if he contacts me?
Author Joannamay Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Thanks Marco. I have learnt 100% I know I should have said from the start, I was just petrified of never being with him again because I know when were together we are something great. I know now that that is so wrong and I have learnt from that, I wish I was honest from day 1 No I don't have a diary but I really want to start one
Marco Valerio Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Then you should have one. It will make you lots of good. Write everything you are experiencing with the break up, your feelings, everything... Also helps, if you need it, having imaginary talks with him, tell him everything you wish, get it all out.
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