NCMan Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 New poster here. Been lurking around for a little while: So I hooked up with a girl for about a month back in September of 2013. We didn't always take every precaution when we fooled around, but I never finished the deed (I understand that's not a fail-safe, so don't need any lectures about that ). We just randomly ended things at the end of the month and then went on our on way. I randomly here through the grapevine a few months later that this girl is pregnant but don't really think much of it because the last time we spent the night together, we couldn't fool around. I didn't ask her why, but took it as it was her time of the month. I later find out she had her baby and the timeframe matches up to when we were hooking up, but again I never heard from her and didn't think anything of it. So fast forward to last month (18 months after we last spoke). I get a randomly message on Facebook from this girl. She says "I may be making a huge mistake but can you contact me at some point?" I say back "I can. What's going on?" She then responds back and tells me to disregard that message. Ok fine. So then within the last week, I get another message and she's asking me to block her on Facebook because "every time I think about you I want to talk to you about something I shouldn't." So I do as I'm asked haha. All of these messages have come on the weekends at the early hours of the morning. My friends think they're drunk texts and I'm starting to think so, too. We weren't ever on bad terms so to say, it was just one of those random flings that just end. I'm dating a girl now I'm probably going to propose to in a few months. I've turned my life around over the past year and this situation is making me nervous. On the one hand, I'd be mad this girl kept this from me, let me go on with my life and not say anything. So what say you? I just can't see her getting to the point of reaching out after that long and just not telling me.
compulsivedancer Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Might as well contact her and find out, unless you'd rather not know. Better safe than sorry. You don't want to miss out on your kids' life because you thought it might be too awkward to call. 1
Toodaloo Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Only one way to find out. Word of caution though... if she was lax with you and it was only hook ups she may well have been lax with others. I am afraid I would make sure that you got tested for STD's and if she does claim its yours then I would ask for a paternity test just to be sure. I know its cynical but your far better off knowing where you stand. I am a tad nervous as she is being a bit flakey and I just get the feeling that this may cause a heck of a lot of drama. Your happy now. She hasn't been in touch before so why now?
Author NCMan Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Only one way to find out. Word of caution though... if she was lax with you and it was only hook ups she may well have been lax with others. I am afraid I would make sure that you got tested for STD's and if she does claim its yours then I would ask for a paternity test just to be sure. I know its cynical but your far better off knowing where you stand. I am a tad nervous as she is being a bit flakey and I just get the feeling that this may cause a heck of a lot of drama. Your happy now. She hasn't been in touch before so why now? That's my biggest thing. Why wait 18 months to bring this up and why be flakey about it and not just say it. She's reached out twice and backed off both times. Don't get it.
Toodaloo Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) That's my biggest thing. Why wait 18 months to bring this up and why be flakey about it and not just say it. She's reached out twice and backed off both times. Don't get it. C O V E R Y O U R A R S E . . . It could be that she just feels a bit weird as you have not been involved at all but feels that you should know... But equally it could be that she is planning to take you for a ride. Either way if you have a child thats a really special thing. Don't miss out on the child growing up if it is yours... Get tested for STD's and be honest with your new girl about this. If the poo does hit the fan you don't want to be hitting her with it. Edited April 13, 2015 by Toodaloo
Author NCMan Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 C O V E R Y O U R A R S E . . . It could be that she just feels a bit weird as you have not been involved at all but feels that you should know... But equally it could be that she is planning to take you for a ride. Either way if you have a child thats a really special thing. Don't miss out on the child growing up if it is yours... Get tested for STD's and be honest with your new girl about this. If the poo does hit the fan you don't want to be hitting her with it. Then I don't know why she'd be telling me to block her? She'd have no other way of contacting me or finding out where I live now
No Limit Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Would your current partner stay if this girl someday decided to just come and visit with the child? Next to affairs "hidden children" are the type of lie that can blow up everything. On why she waited with the contact; she doesn't want a father around, she doesn't need someone to pay her child support. But she also can't say that this child doesn't have a father, and she might get a lot of resentment from the child for hiding his presence. Most are eager to find "lost parents".
Author NCMan Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Would your current partner stay if this girl someday decided to just come and visit with the child? Next to affairs "hidden children" are the type of lie that can blow up everything. On why she waited with the contact; she doesn't want a father around, she doesn't need someone to pay her child support. But she also can't say that this child doesn't have a father, and she might get a lot of resentment from the child for hiding his presence. Most are eager to find "lost parents". She has no other way of contacting me. I could move across the country and she wouldn't know. I'm under the impression now that if she wants to tell me, fine. It's her call. I don't think she'd leave. I know she dated someone after me that was also a single parent. Does she not think there might be some resentment on my end that she let me continue my life while this was out there?
gaius Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I could see her behaving like that if there's another guy, who she's still involved with on some level and maybe told him he's the father. Or just a dude she's with now that's taken to the kid. Bringing you into the fold could really mess up a situation like that for her, even if she thinks you might actually be the father. I would just leave it alone. If you're the dad and she's not after you for child support just thank your lucky stars and get on with your life with this new girl.
Toodaloo Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 She has no other way of contacting me. I could move across the country and she wouldn't know. I'm under the impression now that if she wants to tell me, fine. It's her call. I don't think she'd leave. I know she dated someone after me that was also a single parent. Does she not think there might be some resentment on my end that she let me continue my life while this was out there? She may not know which one of you is the father... She may not want to say anything because she has left it too late already. She may be completely drunk and just want to hook up with you again. She may be wanting to donate some money to your favourite charity. She might want to ask something about your relationship after another man has knocked her confidence... She might want to confess that she used your tooth brush to clean the toilet once after you pissed her off... You don't know until you speak to her. I would send her a message asking what she wants to talk about. BUT make sure your partner knows all about this...
Author NCMan Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) She may not know which one of you is the father... She may not want to say anything because she has left it too late already. She may be completely drunk and just want to hook up with you again. She may be wanting to donate some money to your favourite charity. She might want to ask something about your relationship after another man has knocked her confidence... She might want to confess that she used your tooth brush to clean the toilet once after you pissed her off... You don't know until you speak to her. I would send her a message asking what she wants to talk about. BUT make sure your partner knows all about this... I did ask her after the first contact and she said to disregard it. Both times she's reached out its been early hours of the morning. Which leads me to think she may be trying to get my attention to hook up again. I just can't see her not telling me after I asked what was going on. Edited April 13, 2015 by NCMan
eye of the storm Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 NCMan, here is the thing. Child support. It belongs to the child. The longer the father waits to pay, the more back child support he will owe. Including penalties. (I say father because a mother is pretty sure she had a kid) It is in YOUR best interest to get to the bottom of this. Did she have a kid, if she did is it yours (do the test) if it is, start paying and get your rights. If not, is your name on the birth cert? If so start legal proceedings to get it off. If she ever goes on governmental support they will come after the father listed. They do not care if the test is negative, if you have never been contacted or even if you never met the mother. Your name, your debt. Not getting to the bottom this now is not smart. And clue your GF in. Protect yourself and in the future unless you want kids don't screw around with your own BC. 1
Author NCMan Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 NCMan, here is the thing. Child support. It belongs to the child. The longer the father waits to pay, the more back child support he will owe. Including penalties. (I say father because a mother is pretty sure she had a kid) It is in YOUR best interest to get to the bottom of this. Did she have a kid, if she did is it yours (do the test) if it is, start paying and get your rights. If not, is your name on the birth cert? If so start legal proceedings to get it off. If she ever goes on governmental support they will come after the father listed. They do not care if the test is negative, if you have never been contacted or even if you never met the mother. Your name, your debt. Not getting to the bottom this now is not smart. And clue your GF in. Protect yourself and in the future unless you want kids don't screw around with your own BC. I get all that. I've thought about going through vital records to see if my name is on the birth certificate. I haven't said anything to the girl about the child because I know if I do acknowledge it, then I could be on the hook for support. To her knowledge, I know nothing about this child.
CarrieT Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I know if I do acknowledge it, then I could be on the hook for support. As well you should... Sorry if you see this as being "on the hook," but you did do the deed and were/are equally responsible, don't you think? 2
Author NCMan Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 As well you should... Sorry if you see this as being "on the hook," but you did do the deed and were/are equally responsible, don't you think? Yes. I didn't mean it that way. I meant it in the fact that I could owe very far back for knowing the child was born.
mammasita Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I get all that. I've thought about going through vital records to see if my name is on the birth certificate. I haven't said anything to the girl about the child because I know if I do acknowledge it, then I could be on the hook for support. To her knowledge, I know nothing about this child. If im not mistaken, you have to be present during the birth to have your name on the birth certificate. women cant just randomly call a man out as the father if he's not there. 1
Author NCMan Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) If im not mistaken, you have to be present during the birth to have your name on the birth certificate. women cant just randomly call a man out as the father if he's not there. She was going through a divorce at the time (my mistake) so maybe the ex-husband is listed. I'm just baffled by the whole contact then back off thing and the asking to be blocked thing. Seems to be more of a drunk-dial call for attention thing. Edited April 13, 2015 by NCMan
eye of the storm Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 No the "father" does not have to be there to have his name on the birth cert. There have been multiple cases of a woman putting a man's name on the cert because she thought he would be a better father or because he was one of many of the possibilities and she was just guessing. And child support does not go back to when you find out or acknowledge. It goes back to when the child was born, no matter when you find out. My exH has a friend that came back from his honeymoon to find out he had been served. Turns out he had a 7yo daughter. The mother admitted she had never told him but it didn't matter, 7 years of back child support. He lost 7 years of his child's life and was financially broken. Also, a mother cannot sign away or absolve you of child support. Because it doesn't belong to her, it belongs to the child. Which is why I suggest you get this straightened out ASAP. There is no benefit to waiting. And multiple benefits to getting this taken care of sooner rather than later.
Author NCMan Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 No the "father" does not have to be there to have his name on the birth cert. There have been multiple cases of a woman putting a man's name on the cert because she thought he would be a better father or because he was one of many of the possibilities and she was just guessing. And child support does not go back to when you find out or acknowledge. It goes back to when the child was born, no matter when you find out. My exH has a friend that came back from his honeymoon to find out he had been served. Turns out he had a 7yo daughter. The mother admitted she had never told him but it didn't matter, 7 years of back child support. He lost 7 years of his child's life and was financially broken. Also, a mother cannot sign away or absolve you of child support. Because it doesn't belong to her, it belongs to the child. Which is why I suggest you get this straightened out ASAP. There is no benefit to waiting. And multiple benefits to getting this taken care of sooner rather than later. I think the laws on that vary by state. I have a friend who signed away his parental rights and hasn't paid child support. The mother has never gone after him for it either.
eye of the storm Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 If he signed away his rights and is no longer legally a parent, then he is fine. Its not my pocket book, but at the very min I would talk to a lawyer. Or not. Its your call. I am very cautious with things that have the potential to bankrupt me. But I realize others are not.
CarrieT Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 If im not mistaken, you have to be present during the birth to have your name on the birth certificate. Not correct... It is more than just being present at time of birth. Dad needs to sign an acknowledgment of paternity form and present proper ID to have his name on a birth certificate.
eye of the storm Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Ill admit when I'm wrong. And I am. To be on the birth cert you have to file a paper. That being said, there is still a possibility of being on the hook for child support even if you are not on the cert. So, if it were my son...I would high tail it to a lawyer or strongly request a DNA test. 1
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