danni_weston Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 So, me and my GF have been together 18 months, 2 months into the relationship she confessed to having cheating twice. We talked about it and sorted out (I thought). To be honest I would say that this event actually made our relationship closer and more honest from my point of view. Gave us the opportunity to talk openly and honest with no holes barred type of feeling between us. I eventually a year into the relationship had a very frank/open discussion that due to the age different and our change in circumstances it was unrealistic and niave to think that she would never want to be with another man. I suggested that rather cheating I would allow on basis that we incorporated her having the odd bit of extra marital fun into our sex life and the fact that there were no lies/deception it would only improve our trust and bond. She dismissed this as been weird and sick..... ok so I'm liberal but thought it was a fairly sound idea given the past and knowing the fact it will probably happen. She said there was no way that she would ever cheat again blah blah (made me feel like I was a real wrong/sick husband). Last week, I found out she had a one night stand about a month ago. I'm not too sure how to approach this now as I definately don't condone it.. I feel if I dont kick her to the curb now though its almost like saying its fine to treat me like a mug. Only issue is there is a six month old baby (definately mine btw), involved. My sort of worries are this is obviously showing the sex side of it wasn't/isnt the draw of why she cheats. she cheats because of the excitement/taboo i guess of getting caught, in which case by staying with her it will just keep happening. Stuck...this im not angry about the sex part, i could even get on board. its the hurt from the lie/deception thats killings me.
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Confront her about it, and suggest getting couples counseling to help you both sort this out proper. There is no point in trying to figure this out on your own. 1
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Imo she probably wouldn't be on board with YOU having sex outside the marriage. That would explain her being apprehensive about your proposition. 1
Author danni_weston Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 to make it clear when we discussed the idea it was only her who would have sex outside the marriage. i explained im very happy been a one-woman made and said at no point would i want to go with someone else
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 OK OK sorry. well I can only "guess" hopefully with counseling you both can settle this.
Versacehottie Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I don't see why you would consider staying. If it's for the excitement, she will probably continue to cheat. It obviously bothers you (completely normal that it does). It will chip away at your self-esteem and trust for each other to stay. This isn't a healthy environment for a child so you aren't really doing him/her any favors. And even if this kid is yours--what about the next one? You're signing up to live like this from now on with all the things that happen in your life. It's a very unstable way to live. get out now.
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 It's very possible she gets a high from doing it behind your back, but then feels a lot of guilt doing it. She's going through something like self esteem issues, self loathing or whatever....get her some help.
stillafool Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Of course if she gets her thrill from the thought of getting caught, there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to aid her. She will continue to do this behind your back because that is what excites her. Why don't you leave her and get someone else? You don't care about her having sex with other men so are you a cuckold? What is the age difference?
annonme Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 She WILL keep lying to you and doing this behind your back if you're not ok with that then my advice is to leave! And what if she gets pregnant again? How will you know that one is yours?
Author danni_weston Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 my gut instinct is to leave her, the fact that i had given her the ability to work around her needing additional sex, she said no and then shes gone and done it anyway. i think (but wanted advice), that this basically means she enjoys the thrill / hurting me. no, i'm not a cuckold in anyway. i am however a realistic person as i consider myself anyway. we are 35/25 and i have done my wild/stupid stuff, she has only had 6 partners (inc the cheating ones). i would much rather of her be honest and say "hey i fancy trying that...." than do something behind my back. think my gut is that i have to leave, which kills me because i love her but i cant allow her to basically mug me off.
road Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 OP, you need IC, not tell your wife to have an open marriage, and a new wife that does not cheat.
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 my gut instinct is to leave her, the fact that i had given her the ability to work around her needing additional sex, she said no and then shes gone and done it anyway. i think (but wanted advice), that this basically means she enjoys the thrill / hurting me. no, i'm not a cuckold in anyway. i am however a realistic person as i consider myself anyway. we are 35/25 and i have done my wild/stupid stuff, she has only had 6 partners (inc the cheating ones). i would much rather of her be honest and say "hey i fancy trying that...." than do something behind my back. think my gut is that i have to leave, which kills me because i love her but i cant allow her to basically mug me off. Your first paragraph - well yeah that is precisely the point. She deceived you, THAT is what cheating is - deception! If you knew about it beforehand and agreed to it, then it's not cheating. That is why cheating is so hard to forgive and get over. It's being lied to and the DECEPTION. Apparently, she gets a thrill out of deceiving you...and THAT is why you should leave. She called you sick for proposing an arrangement whereby she gets to have sex with other men....and she said no. Then... she goes behind your back, has sex with another anyway, and deceives you. I would say SHE is the sick one, NOT you! Do you really want your child brought up in that type of toxic environment? You should even apply for sole custody as I think your wife (girlfriend?) is immoral...and cruel.
Gary S Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 If it was during the first two months, I'm not sure it counts. She was probably still dating. They don't fall in love for two months. She did not really cheat on you. Be thankful you have a woman who is way too open with you. Let it go and enjoy your relationship!
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) If it was during the first two months, I'm not sure it counts. She was probably still dating. They don't fall in love for two months. She did not really cheat on you. Be thankful you have a woman who is way too open with you. Let it go and enjoy your relationship! Gary dear, they have been together 18 MONTHS.. and have a six-month old child together. Two months into it she cheated twice... and she cheated *again* just recently. Please read the original post again for full understanding. I am confident your opinion will change... Edited April 12, 2015 by katiegrl
Gary S Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) Edit: Oh, pardon me, I see she cheated a third time recently. What would I do without you Katie! Well, her cheating is probably either due to lack of integrity or lack of love. Trust can sometimes be rebuilt, but she has to stop cheating. Not easy to do... if she lacks integrity, that's part of who she is and hard to change... counseling is you best bet. This is probably beyond the scope of a forum, you need professional help. A counselor is going to have to get a lot of info about who you two are the complete relationship history, it's not going to be fixed in one session. You want to save this relationship for the kids. If she will go to counseling, that would be great. Edited April 12, 2015 by Gary S 1
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 - What am I missing? She cheated again just recently....after 18 months together and a child. Even after he proposed an arrangement whereby she gets to have sex with others, she said no to that and called him sick for proposing it. But then, she goes behind his back, just recently, and has sex with another man anyway. You would be okay with that type of deception? Really? Wow, just wow 1
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Edit: Oh, pardon me, I see she cheated a third time recently. What would I do without you Katie! Well, her cheating is probably either due to lack of integrity or lack of love. Trust can sometimes be rebuilt, but she has to stop cheating. Not easy to do... if she lacks integrity, that's part of who she is and hard to change... counseling is you best bet. This is probably beyond the scope of a forum, you need professional help. A counselor is going to have to get a lot of info about who you two are the complete relationship history, it's not going to be fixed in one session. You want to save this relationship for the kids. If she will go to counseling, that would be great. Thank the Lord!!!! Sheesh! 1
Gary S Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Also, suggesting your wife have an affair was a bad move... good relationships are monogamous... why would you do that? Again, counseling is in order. It helps to read the whole post, huh Katie?! lol!
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Also, suggesting your wife have an affair was a bad move... good relationships are monogamous... why would you do that? Again, counseling is in order. It helps to read the whole post, huh Katie?! lol! I believe he was suggesting an "open* sexual relationship, which is a bit different from an "affair"...IMO. Agree that it helps to read the whole post though!! 1
Gary S Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 ^^^Yes, "open relationship" would be more accurate, that's what I was referring to.
Recommended Posts