addy500 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 one thing I do know is that if I hold this in, its going to drive me crazy. Let me just give you a little background: 0ver 10 years ago I moved to Virginia to be with my college sweetheart. Three years ago she decided to break up with me the week of my wedding. I went through years of emotional and physical abuse with her and even though I loved her ( and possibly still do) I was glad it was over (goyte- use to know song was just released then and made the breakup that much harder) I was baptized durring that time and all I can say that even though lost, I felt an overwelming sense of clarity. I did feef renewed. In my lonliness I joined several dating sites and even made a post on craigslist. I met someone on craigslist who seem to honor the fact that I was recently baptized and giving my life to God. To make a long story short, she was upset with her roomate purchased a hotel room for the night and invited me over to talk. I had no desire to have sex, but she took full advatage . Let me just say that I was a mess at that time and even went on sevral dates a day. Months later I met the woman who is my daughters mother. lets just call her Li. Li made me feel good and hopefull about the prospecs of a good relationship. Li also makes over 50 % of the income that I make, and I'm not broke. She had a child when I met her (11) and I vowed to never be selfish enough to take from her daughters mouth ( I was not with her for money at all ). I genuinely love this woman and had no hidden motives. I recall talking with her at times telling her that I really Like her and want to spent all my life with her. She would always say "we'll see'. She was very instrumental in giving me advice, which is always free. and thats all I wanted / expected from her. Never money !!!!!!! Lets just change gears for a minute. I'm a very caring person. I am a man in touch with his emotions and I have no issues expressing how i truly feel. She is the oposite. maybe at times cold hearted. I would mention not being able to talk with my daughter ( from another woman) and miss connecting with my daughter, and instead of a pat on the back or a hug, she would often times make me feel worse. While she was pregnant, she said that she was going to not help me as much. I was so confused by this because all she was helping me with at the time was by giving advice, something couples do right ???? she also started becoming less affectionate. I being frustrated about the new side she was showing me at times lost control and argued about it. she cared less and continued to hot show affection to me any more. durring the birth of the child we both have together, it was magical. I had all these ideas in my head of being finally a full time dad instead of a baby daddy like with my first child. Then she dropped the bomb on me: My daughter will not have my last name but hers and my name will not go onto her birth certificate. It instinctively made me want to leave in frustration. as time went on I noticed she would limit what I can do as a dad. With my first child her mother intentionally kep her from me and believe me I cried often. Also we all know the statistic with black men, they usually have babies and leave t he mother to do it all by themselves. I vowed to not do that with my new baby. I met her on a dating website, and was entirely serious about finding love at the time. My friends often joked on me saying " your looking for love on a dating website, lol". Was I stupid thinking I can find love on a dating site ? fast forward to right now: She wants out of the relationship & quite franky I'm stuggling with not being with my Daughter each day. I miss being the first person she sees in the morning I miss feeding her and reading to her daily I miss the cute little nose rubs we use to do. I miss playing with the wind chimes with her I miss taking her outside to explore the world around her. I miss being a daddy. I miss eating as a family I miss leaving work and wanting nothing else but to be around my daugher her mother and her oldest child. I waited 11 years to have another child and vowed that when I do, I will also be with the mother raising t his child together. Some advice given before: I talk to some people about this and they stated that well, you will get visitation rights in court, they wont deny you. This is all I have to say to that : THIS IN NO WAY REPLACES BEING A FULL TIME FATHER PERIOD !!!! To make matters worse, like I said before I moved to a whole new state. my long time friends are not here, I have no social support which is at times needed when d ealing with a break up. Im drinking just to go to sleep and drinking again when I wake up to go back to sleep. I'm compelled to call but I dont want to hear any harsh words. I've read about the no contact rule, but how is that possible when you have a child involved. I do need to heal, but I cant if Im contacting her because we have a baby together. I WANT TO BE A DADDY NOT A BABY FATHER !!!!!!!!!!!!! The unfairness towards men in America: My own dad split and left my mother to raise us alone. I watched my mother have rough days at work and her kids became her joy and motivation. This kept her going. I know this, I WATCHED THIS HAPPEN. A woman with children will always have those monents of joy because her kids are simply there with her full time. But what of a man that desires the same joy from his kids ? why do men get the short end of the stick when it comes to the types of dad we can and should be. MEN MOST OF THE TIME AFTER A BREAK UP ALMOST NEVER GET TO EXPERIENCE TH EDAILY JOY OF HAVING THEIR KIDS THEIR. IN MOST CASES THEY GO FROM BEING A FATHER TO A BABY DADDY. THEY HAVE TO WATCH THEIR KIDS GROW UP FROM A DISTANCE. EVERYTHING IS CATCHING UP, GETTING TO KNOW YOUR CHILD EACH VISIT INSTEAD OF KNOWING YOUR CHILD BECAUSE YOU WATCH THEM GROW. Maybe im stupid. I know relationships end, I know the stats on the plight of marriages in todays society. PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF MARRIGES NOW A DAYS LIKE THE *****S OK. BROKEN HOMES AMOUNG BLACK FAMILIES ARE THE NORM NOW. AND NO ONE IS TEACHING OR SHOWING BLACK COUPLES HOW TO DEAL. Is is remnants from slavery because as slaves we were truly never connected in love ? has this poison been passed down indirectly and were not even noticing it ? I havent spoken to her in days now, and honestly I miss her and my child. Part of me is saying to give her more time and she will come around. I do not want to rely of false hope and end up grieving all over again because of it. Then again I want to see my daughter, but I'm very much still in love with her mother ? I know in my current mental state I WILL make things worse. About me: I've been told I was too soft. I not tough or macho like most men. I show emotions which is not manly to many. I have a heart and care about the world. I often pray for th entire health of the planet. I will cry if hurt and I care about everyone, even enemies. I live moral life and I'm genuinely filled with compassion. I take care of Autistic individuals. I love the world and everyone in it. I can also tell you that I develop phone apps and enjoyed the attention given towards my apps. My joy is LOVE. needing love and wanting love. Right now though I am lonely and have no support system where I am to help with this breakup. I do not have a shoulder to cry on. Making phone calls to friends is good, but It does not replace talking face to face with close people. What does a black man or any man do in this situation. I feell horrible to being a participant in the plight of black families. I am truly broken. Do you know how hard it is to keep your emotions intact while working ???????????? leaving work to go home when your normally with your girl and daughter ? ITS AN OVERWELMNG SENSE OF EMTINESS AND IM AFRAID THIS VOID WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME. PLEASE HELP I WANT TO SEE MY DAUGHTER GROW.
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