Can i just "date" him when we were hot and heavy?

[AriaIncognito]

I'm new to this board. A little background info on me...

 

I'm 30, nearly 31, have had 10 "long term" bfs, ranging from a few months to a few years. I dated a guy for 4 years, ended in 2001. I didn't date again until 2004. I met a man, and at first, I really tried not to like him. I don't know why. Not sure if I was afraid of getting hurt, or what, after being single and alone for 3 years, it would be quite the adjustment. This guy was really into me, though, and I agreed to talk to him.

 

We talked and got along well. Very nice guy. Seemed to have things going for him. We started seeing eachother and went on a few dates, then became an official couple within a month of meeting. We dated for 5 months. He and I held different work hours, so we'd really only see eachother on the weekends. After about 1 month of being together, he'd be here all weekend every weekend. Went pretty fast and got pretty serious. He said I was the one on more than one occasion, and for the first few months, he seemed to be a candidate as well...

 

However, after dating a bit I learned that he was financially irresponsible (whereas I've got a really good credit history, own my own home, car, planning for my retirement, etc). He had student loans in default for years, he had some bills in collections because he said that bills weren't a priority or something like that.

 

Being very financially minded, I couldn't understand this. He was 5 years old than me, but was way behind. Got his first real job at the age of 35 (by real i mean a salaried employee, benefits, and the like). Makes a poor salary, and is doing a job that mostly 22 year olds do. He mentioned many a time being dissatisfied with himself when it came to his job/finances. I agreed to help him.

 

I helped him, but that help just ended up being my doing things for him, and him not improving his situation. He doesn't save money (even though he lives with family and pays little in rent), and doesn't have a plan for the future. I couldn't relate and found myself thinking that maybe we were wasting our time dating eachother, even though I really did grow to love him, and we had a really good time together when we were together.

 

Fast forward to last sunday, he broke it off with me. He said he could tell that his way of living was hurting me, and he didn't want to cause me pain, and he didn't want to be "fixed" because he didn't consider his life broken. He left. Tonight, 5 days later, he came to my place to pick up some stuff he had left here, and we talked. I said things I needed to say. He told me he restarted smoking (he quit cold turkey for me when we dated). He said he still loves me and wanted to make as proposition. He wanted to "Date" me.

 

I'm not really sure how 2 people can go from the relationship we had (sexual in nature as well) to just "dating". He wants to live day by day, and dating would do that. Me, I dont know if I could accept not worrying about a future with someone, but at the same time, I'm really hurting and want to make the pain go away.

 

My brain tells me that it wouldn't work out and that I'd just be prolonging the agony, but my heart isn't quite caught up to it. I really don't know what to do. I told him I'd think about it. However, I'm not even sure if i can trust him the same, now that he's left once, you know?

 

If anyone has any advice, or has been in a relationship with a person lke him, please, reply. Tell me how you did. What happened. Did you end up living happily ever after, etc.

 

I'd really appreciate it. Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to give a lot of details..oh and for the record, we would still be exclusive if we dated, he said. We just would omit the sex (not that we had THAT much of it)

 

Jennifer

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Jennifer,

 

wow, your story reminds me of a relationship I once had.

 

We were together for 3 years and even were engaged, but in the end I broke it off because at the age of 33 he still did not have a proper job, no apartment and no plans for the future.

 

When we met I was 19 and he 29! He was 10 years older but still much more immature than I was. At first I did not like him that much, but then I let myself fall for him.

 

He really was/is a very good guy with a good heart, but in the end he just was not able to give me what I wanted and I was always dissatisfied with it.

 

We lived together for most of our 3 years , I mostly had a full-time job, paying all the bills, whereas he only did odd jobs here and then, and never had any money.

 

I ended it 6 years ago. What happened?

 

Well, he is nearly 39 now. He moved out of his parents place 3 years ago, into an apartment they own, so he does not need to pay rent. He still does not have a fixed job but does odd jobs that students normally do.

 

We are still in touch and he has told me many a times that he would like to get back together. I on the other hand, have never looked back and regretted my decision. In fact I dont understand anymore how I spent 3 years of my life with him and I thank G-d that I did not go through with marrying him.

 

So my advice to you would be to let it go. Don't date him but get some distance between him and you.

 

Good luck!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

It sounds like the two of you are very different people. Differences are ok, and in some cases, they even make things better, but in this case, you view him as irresponsible and not focused, he can tell that you feel that way, and he is at a point in his life where he wants to be irresponsible and unforcused, and likes it that way. He saw that you were trying to change him into something he wasn't, and did what he thought he had to do, by breaking it off - and I would believe him when he says why he did it. He realized that he did not want to be that person you were trying to change him into, and knew that would not be good for either of you. Now he feels remorseful about it, because he really does like you, but a man needs to feel good about who he is, even if he makes mistakes, and even if he is not living his life in the best way that he could. You quite understandably do not wish to deal with his bad, irresponsible habits, and you let him know that. He tried to change, but in the end, it sounds like he could not be true to himself and do that, so he said goodbye.

 

Now he is back, asking you to "date" him. By this, I think he is saying that he really enjoys your company, but at the same time, the committment to change that you have let him know is necessary for a "realtionship" with you, is just not something he is ready for.

 

At this point, you do have some decisions to make, and a lot of thinking to do. Start out by asking yourself if you are truly in love (something different than just love) with this man. Think hard, and you can probably come up with the answer to this question.

 

If you are not in love with him, my advice would definately be to move on. If there is not more there, perhaps you are just too different. There are many other nice men who probably fit closer the kind of life partner you are looking for.

 

If you are truly in love with him, ask yourself what you want out of the relationship, and if you are being true to yourself if you stay with him under these new circumstances.

 

If you are looking to have him in your life, but do not see him as "the one" or a life partner, and finding that person is very important to you, recognize that as long as he is in your life, being with him will prevent you from having any chance of finding that person. On the other hand, if you are at a point in your life where you are not interested in settling down, and you really enjoy each other's company, and you can do that on his terms letting him be who he really is, then enjoy his company as long as you feel like whatever feelings both of you have are mutual. If finding that person is incredibly important to you, and you have already decided that he is not it, as hard as it be, I think you need to not see him.

 

If you are looking at him as "the one", someone you may want to be with forever, I think you have to ask yourself if you can accept his flaws and love him for who he is, while still being true to yourself. Most of us would sacrifice nearly anything for someone we thought was that special person, but you do have to ask yourself, if you view him as being that incompatible with your lifestyle, could it be that maybe he really isn't that person you are looking for? Also keep in mind that this is your first loving relationship in 3 years, and that some things may be seeming better or deeper than they are, faster than they should be. You hinted at this, when you said that at one point you thought he might be the one, suggesting you may have rethought that. A lot of us have been wrong about that at least once before. Someone comes into our lives, and everything feels right, then at some point, we later realize, we were just plain wrong, and saw something that was not there. Think carefully, and take your best shot. It is all any of us can do. I will offer one last thought on whether he is the one. If he was, would you be asking us this question about what to do, or would you automatically know you had to do whatever was requried to have him in your life? You did ask the question. I think you asked that question also because you sense something very wrong with taking the sort of step back he has suggested under these circumstances. Listen to that part of you that is telling you what is wrong.

 

You either need to accept him for who he is (with all of his bad habits - the smoking, the bad job, the financial irresponsibility - everything), or you need to say goodbye. I know it is hard, but I think it is true. I can tell you were very close to him. I will say that with the history you two have so far, even though it all happened pretty fast, I would bet that "Dating" you would in his eyes involve continuing the sexual relationship, and getting some of that closeness back, but you have to ask yourself if that is good for you in the long run. Do you see yourself married to a smoker in a dead-end job who does not pay his bills 10 years from now? I think he is probably a lot more than that, but that seems to be how you see him, and if that is how you view him, perhaps that should tell you something about whether there is a future with him.

 

It's time to either accept him, or say goodbye. Perhaps if you are sure he is not the one, someday, after some time has passed, you could even be friends with him (but only after you are sure of that, and have moved on in a real way). Any idea that you could be friends, or freinds with benefits with him right now, is only kidding yourself, and putting your heart back on the chopping block. Either make it some sort of romantic relationship (even if it is just a casual dating one), or make it no contact for a while.

 

I know I didn't really answer your question directly, but I hope I have given you a few things to think about. If I must render an opinion, my general feeling is that it is probably time to say goodbye to him, since there are so many differences which bother you, since this is the first guy you have dated in 3 years, and since being able to think about a future with him seems to be important to you, and based on what you have said, I get a sense that you just don't see a future there. Even if you did take him back on his terms, those differences would always, as he said, probably continue to hurt you, but only you know what is in your own heart. If you do say goodbye to him, don't give up on love. There is someone out there for you, even if it isn't him, so keep going out, keep meeting new people, and you will find what you are looking for.

[AriaIncognito]

WithOrWithoutYou...

 

I realize now, over a year later, that I never thanked you for your long response to my then dilemna. :-)

 

Long story short, he and I weren't meant for eachother and I did end up back with him, but I broke it off when we hit 1 year, because I couldn't accept those differences that we mentioned above. I needed someone who was more stable, put together, self sufficient. And I found someone like that. Nevermind that we've since split, at least I know it's out there...

 

Anyway, thank you, withorwithoutyou. Your post was so thoughtful :-) I must have been too sad to reply back then.

 

Jennifer

[Fun2BMe]

That was nice of you to thank her, even though it is 16 months later.