SycCirc: Miami

[SycamoreCircle]

In the last episode of SycamoreCircle: Miami, S. found himself embroiled in a miasma of tough criticism regarding his dealings with an Armenian love interest. That relationship went the way of the dodo.

 

I accept that I'm emotionally unavailable.

 

I accept that I'm still hung up on my ex.

 

I accept that while I thought drawing the line in the sand at sex was a surefire way to avoid hurting anyone, large romantic gestures can be misleading both to oneself and the other person.

 

I accept that I'm not ready to date anyone.

 

It's weird. After ending things with Armenia yesterday while simultaneously parrying bladework by fellow LS'ers, I went for a walk in the park. Finally a nice day. I'd been laying in the grass a while and was returning home when I heard, "hey Syc...". A group of twenty-somethings were approaching me. All I could imagine was that my ex was lodged somewhere in there. My heart skipped a beat and I said "Who's that?", subtext "oh sh;t." No, it was just Cea and her friends.

 

I need to begin dismantling the idea that my ex and I were copacetic. What seemed like such an ideal relationship must have had internal malignance, yes? She was young and she probably sublimated her own predilections and personality to fit my own needs. That's why things seemed so perfect.

 

This last woman called me on my sh--. True, but now I have the trauma and baggage of my break up. I didn't have that before. I was open, loving, hopeful and fearless.

 

I don't understand what happened. Deep down I know that she loves me. She's immature. She has no life experience. We're both broken. Maybe we will never know each other but I believe what her friend told her. Give it two to three years for the jets to cool and you will begin to think of him with fondness and gratitude.

 

The irony is that when such a thing happens, her heart will be open and ready for someone else. That's just how it works.

 

No question here, the question is implicit.

[erklat]

The irony is that when such a thing happens, her heart will be open and ready for someone else. That's just how it works.

 

No question here, the question is implicit.

 

Why do you care about her heart? Your heart will be open to large amount of

not giving a fnck about what she does too.

[SycamoreCircle]

Why do you care about her heart? Your heart will be open to large amount of

not giving a fnck about what she does too.

This will sound strange but I think at some point the relationship shifted where I began to think of her less as a partner and more as a doll. That's not entirely true, but there is some truth to it. I realize there just isn't the sort of emotional sophistication that an adult showcases. That realization didn't appear in bold lettering until after what she did. And especially some of her behavior post-break up.

 

I loved her. I don't know how to not love her. I don't know who she is today. I have my suspicions. I agree to never see or speak to her again. But I love her.

[badpenny]

And this is how we make ourselves prolong the suffering.

[badpenny]

Love is good.

Love, so much, that you exclude all other possibilities, is not good.

 

Currently, that's where you're at.

[Itspointless]

I loved her. I don't know how to not love her. I don't know who she is today. I have my suspicions. I agree to never see or speak to her again. But I love her.

Sometimes love means having to let go in the deepest sense of these words. Haven't read the other things you are referring to, but I have the feeling that you are progressing in a good way. Own your own parts and look back with love to the both of you. Difficult huh?

[SycamoreCircle]

I have done well for myself, considering.

 

I don't really find myself missing her physically, so much. Or emotionally. I wonder sometimes if I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't at all emotionally there.

 

This last woman I tangled with briefly, four dates, began to kiss my boo-boos literally and figuratively. That was something my ex was never capable of---nurturing. I do like it. It feels good. And in thinking over my life, one of my most tender friendships was with a young woman who could be counted as very nurturing.

 

I just feel this deep inequity because of what my ex did to me. The betrayal. And the cold-blooded treatment. You can dump someone without malice.

 

I do understand that in the end she was a narcissist.

 

I feel very down about failing Ms. Armenia. But ultimately I would have done her the greater wrong continuing a courtship with someone I wasn't thoroughly excited over. I worry that I was wrongfully suspicious of some of her gestures. Four dates in should you be wearing the preferences and qualities of the person you're attracted to? This is a characteristic of narcissism. My ex did this with the guy she abandoned me for. It communicates a poor sense of boundaries. I can like you and have you like me without sacrificing who I am. I trust that I can like X and you can like Y and we can still be together.

 

Love is something that can happen again but it requires a deep well of goodness, faith, kindness, hope and giving. My reserves are depleted. It will take years, I believe, before these can be rebuilt and I can love someone again.

 

I guess I'll try to look for different ways to be close to people, to care about them, to restore my faith. It's unfortunate. I'm in my prime. I wish that I could take advantage of what strength I have.