Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 However, in general I think the key when things start to fizzle a bit is not to freak out, over pursue, demand to know why, etc.. Just accept it as a natural part of the relationship evolution, and allow for periods of brief space. This is some great advice. I'm trying to do this as its my only option. It's difficult but what needs to be done.
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 The ball is in her court. You've said and done what you could. Now she needs to decide what she wants. You told her you wouldn't be contacting her until she contacted, so you need to be patient. Good luck! Thanks for your post. It's nice to be reassured that this is the right thing to do. I've already had a text from her. I replied a while later as I was with family. Plus I don't want to be to quick to the mark as I feel she might have thought I became a bit needy.. And if she didn't think that it's still probably a good idea not to be at her straight away. A man needs to be a little bit relaxed I think. Any advice on what to say and do when she gets in touch would be great too
Carm Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 The more I read the posts the more I also thought like Smackie, she was finishing up the infatuation part of the relationship. Everything is so amazing in the beginning and then things start to fizzle and wonder if this person is the right person for you. It's happened to me a few times and it is very confusing. IMO, I think you really do realize that you are not compatible or you become confused because what happens after infatuation is more of a mature love. The only problem is it's not as exciting....but again IMO it's actually better. Good luck. There's nothing worse than being in your position. I hope it works out for you. 1
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 The more I read the posts the more I also thought like Smackie, she was finishing up the infatuation part of the relationship. Everything is so amazing in the beginning and then things start to fizzle and wonder if this person is the right person for you. It's happened to me a few times and it is very confusing. IMO, I think you really do realize that you are not compatible or you become confused because what happens after infatuation is more of a mature love. The only problem is it's not as exciting....but again IMO it's actually better. Good luck. There's nothing worse than being in your position. I hope it works out for you. Thanks for you reply It's a hard place to be but I just need to show her that I'm mature enough to give her the space she needs but still be here for her if she needs me. I actually got a few messages from her asking how I was and eventually a goodnight message. All I think are positive. But I said I was there for her if she needed me and she replied with a sad emoji and several kisses. I didn't understand that. Is this a good sign?
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 I still strongly believe that her ex is back in her mind due to a meet up they had not long ago. I've asked about this and she reassures me they are just friends and have been through a lot together. She always seems angry or annoyed if I mention him or them two. I saw some messages they had sent when I was using her phone.. I confessed to seeing them. They had been bringing up old memories and saying that it was nice to see each other and they were sad when they left after the meeting. These messages did upset me and the fact that they had sent a few kisses at the end too. Am I looking into that too much? It's just all seems to convenient to be at the same kinda time when suddenly she unsure. I know her ex is dating someone else.. Or so she says. Is this normal for girls to do after a long term break up? Was I just a rebound? Hurts if so
Emilia Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Well seen as though she wants space I would have just presumed that leaving her until she contact me would be the best cause? She has asked for it so I thought a day or two then a little text to see if she's ok would be fine. But how to give someone space and regrow attraction when you want to be there for them is a mystery. I feel like I will loose this girl and I've made it more than clear I don't want that to happen. When I say she did all the initiating I mean that she was so heavily into me that she wanted to be in constant contact that I happily responded to and initiated a lot of dates and cooked meals etc etc. we had an amazing, equal and sharing relationship that for one reason or another in her mind has dropped off and she has to think about things. When I posted my comment it was roughly the same times as yours so couldn't see your explanation. This does put a different spin on things.... There is only so much you can do. You shouldn't feel like you are walking on eggshells and it's quite childish of her to leave you hanging like this. It's not like you've been married for 20 years and she needs to give your relationship very careful consideration, it's been only 5 months. Probably smackie is on the money, yes. Personally I wouldn't put up with it but then I am much older than you.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Op I think you're being too available for her. If you had any self respect you'd break up with her, if she's as cold as you say and is CONSIDERING to break up with you, why do you want to be an option for her? Love yourself man, she clearly doesn't.
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Op I think you're being too available for her. If you had any self respect you'd break up with her, if she's as cold as you say and is CONSIDERING to break up with you, why do you want to be an option for her? Love yourself man, she clearly doesn't. I think that would be very harsh. Especially if she does indeed just need some space. I'll see how things pan out first for a few days. If no joy then I'll detach from her and just let her know I don't want to wait around in limbo not knowing if you want me or not. Then say I'm moving on with my life and it's not what I want as I love her, but what I need to do for myself. Probably mid week. I think a few days is enough.
Emilia Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I think that would be very harsh. Especially if she does indeed just need some space. I'll see how things pan out first for a few days. If no joy then I'll detach from her and just let her know I don't want to wait around in limbo not knowing if you want me or not. Then say I'm moving on with my life and it's not what I want as I love her, but what I need to do for myself. Probably mid week. I think a few days is enough. The only thing I'd caution you about is that you can't have her think - regardless whether she comes back or not - that she can just take time out like this. Very unfair on you. She needs to learn how to communicate doubts and problems since they are part of every relationship. This could be a problem potentially for the future.
SycamoreCircle Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 OP, maybe I'm off the mark but I think advising you to recalibrate your interest level is just deceiving yourself. She's on her way out. These kind of games and strategies can be effective in the beginning, if used with subtlety and good timing. But nearly six months in, you're hitting a critical juncture. I don't think such tactics matter. There may be another guy in the picture, too. In any event, she's getting bored. Don't take it hard, though. Only boring people get bored. I would advise you to break up with her. It might be a drowning man's chance, but really you can only expect so much revitalization to a fading, immature partner.
Carm Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I agree....she is leading to a break up. I've done this myself before. If you really want, wait a few days but it won't end the way you would like.
soyou Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 When they say they need space, you are on the way out. Sorry. Great minds think alike. I was just about to shoot out this sentence ;-). I absolutely agree with Gary S that one a person demands for space, it means your shot is over. It's time for you to give this person all the time and space in this world, BACK OFF & MOVE ON. I'm a woman and I've used this line of communication many times in the past (eg. I need time/space to figure out what I want/like. I need space to clear my head off. I need time/space to see where this all heads to. I need time/space to think thoroughly). All of these come down to one thing - my interest level is reaching a very low level and very soon I'll break up with you.
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Not so sure guys that it's that cut and dry (or I hope not). Why would it just change that quick.. Maybe simple space is all she needs. Last night she sent a few messages and seemed sad after I told her I was fine and there for her. She then hours later sent a goodnight message with kisses and a cute nickname she calls me.
BlueIris Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Thanks for you reply It's a hard place to be but I just need to show her that I'm mature enough to give her the space she needs but still be here for her if she needs me. That is perfect. As I read through this thread, I thought of this: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV) Perhaps the greatest benefit we receive from any and every relationship we have is to learn to love. No matter what happens, we received that.
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 So guys.. She came back after just a day or two of space and me being slightly aloof. She was fully loved up and back to normal and it was great. She apologized for being cold and distant and she couldn't quite understand why she was like that. Big surprise... 1 week later and it's happening again! I've brought it up again after trying to give her space again and she say's she wants to slow things down and I keep bringing up things that she don't seem right.She says I'm being stressy. Maybe I am looking into it too much. But it's literally like night and day with her. I am her world one day and then she seems unsure the next (only over the last few weeks). I messaged her.. "I can see a future with her and I like the thought of it. I'll give her space again but I can't keep going doing it every week." I didn't get a reply and I tried to call and she didn't answer. I woke up late that night and apologized for being like that and questioning again. Haven't heard anything back and doubt I will. I guess I'll just have to wait it out again and play it cool this sucks.
katiegrl Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 So guys.. She came back after just a day or two of space and me being slightly aloof. She was fully loved up and back to normal and it was great. She apologized for being cold and distant and she couldn't quite understand why she was like that. Big surprise... 1 week later and it's happening again! I've brought it up again after trying to give her space again and she say's she wants to slow things down and I keep bringing up things that she don't seem right.She says I'm being stressy. Maybe I am looking into it too much. But it's literally like night and day with her. I am her world one day and then she seems unsure the next (only over the last few weeks). I messaged her.. "I can see a future with her and I like the thought of it. I'll give her space again but I can't keep going doing it every week." I didn't get a reply and I tried to call and she didn't answer. I woke up late that night and apologized for being like that and questioning again. Haven't heard anything back and doubt I will. I guess I'll just have to wait it out again and play it cool this sucks. Why did YOU apologize? Ugh. YOU are not the one jerking her around .... SHE's jerking YOU around. And you are allowing it! Why? There is a saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME"! Grow a backbone and tell her YOU need space. Like forever! Stop allowing her to jerk you around like this, trust me your doing so is NOT scoring you any points with her. To the contrary, it's probably causing her to lose respect for you! Hence why she keeps flipping back and forth and needing space!
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 Why did YOU apologize? Ugh. YOU are not the one jerking her around .... SHE's jerking YOU around. And you are allowing it! Why? There is a saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME"! Grow a backbone and tell her YOU need space. Like forever! Stop allowing her to jerk you around like this, trust me your doing so is NOT scoring you any points with her. To the contrary, it's probably causing her to lose respect for you! Hence why she keeps flipping back and forth and needing space! I know.. the apology was a 3am middle of the night just woke up thing :/ I regret the apology. I've made myself clear that I want a future with her but I can't keep giving her 'space' every week. I don't want to end our relationship as we genuinely do get along when she's not being flippant. And we love each other. She has always hinted towards us in the future but then kind of takes it back and slows down.
JS84 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) Your girlfriend is a flake. I'm not sure how old you are but you sound young. Maybe you're not old enough or experienced enough to realize she's jerking your chain. To me it sounds like you were a rebound. And while honeymoon phases are all well and good, when they burn too hard and too quick, just like a fire they quickly snuff out. Which seems to be the case for your gf. Maybe it's just my personality but I'm not going to get as emotionally involved in someone I've been dating for 5 months as you two seem to be. Not that early. Hell it's usually over a year before I'll tell someone I've gotten involved with that I love them. I'm not sure why so many people are blowing smoke and acting like this relationship doesn't already have a foot and a half in the grave. One thing I will tell you to do if you want a chance to stay with her is stop being so nice and stop being so emotionally available. I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend is balancing you and some other guy (possibly her ex) and you've already firmly planted yourself as her "Plan B" back up guy until she can find someone else. If a woman tells me she needs "space", as far as I'm concerned she just doesn't have the balls to end it outright. So I do it for her. You don't get mad about it. You don't have to be a d!ck about it. But cut your emotional losses and move on to someone else. I sure wouldn't be telling her "Take all the time you need sweetie. I'll be sitting here on my thumb waiting patiently. I love you." Ya that type of talk will REALLY keep a girl interested (that was sarcasm, it won't). Start detaching now. Edited April 22, 2015 by JS84
katiegrl Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) I know.. the apology was a 3am middle of the night just woke up thing :/ I regret the apology. I've made myself clear that I want a future with her but I can't keep giving her 'space' every week. I don't want to end our relationship as we genuinely do get along when she's not being flippant. And we love each other. She has always hinted towards us in the future but then kind of takes it back and slows down. If you don't want her to continue flipping back and forth, one week to the next, you need to show her by your ACTIONS you won't tolerate it. Telling her obviously isn't working. Be strong! She has now backed off AGAIN ...it is time for YOU to back off. Stop contacting her, stop apologizing, and if she returns again, you DON'T just forgive and forget and hope she won't "flip" again. You continue to distance yourself and let her PROVE herself to you, before YOU choose to go back to HER! She needs to experience (suffer) the consequences of her actions, otherwise this will continue happening. By that I mean she needs to feel the *loss* of you. She needs to understand that she can't just keep changing her mind on a whim and expect that you're always gonna be there, taking her back each time, with open arms. She wants an emotionally strong MAN...with a backbone! Again, you SHOW her by your actions that her behavior is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. You show her that you are NOT her little puppy dog, who, when she says "jump," you ask "how high"? You can also tell her all this, but if your words are not backed up by actions, they mean jack shyt. We teach people how to treat us! Via our actions. Good luck. Edited April 22, 2015 by katiegrl
Diezel Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 I still strongly believe that her ex is back in her mind due to a meet up they had not long ago. I've asked about this and she reassures me they are just friends and have been through a lot together. She always seems angry or annoyed if I mention him or them two. I saw some messages they had sent when I was using her phone.. I confessed to seeing them. They had been bringing up old memories and saying that it was nice to see each other and they were sad when they left after the meeting. Um... This? Yeah, break up with her. Now.
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 She is blowing hot and cold. In the absence of any other stressors and worries, I guess she is on her way out. I guess, she wants to go, but keeps getting pulled back (love, nostalgia, habit, fear of making the final cut, fear of getting it wrong etc.), comes back to you, then realises it is not really what she wants, so she goes cold again. I suggest dumping her before she dumps you, unless you really think something external to your relationship is causing this, job worries family worries, financial worries, her mental health maybe, etc. etc. 1
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Was I just a rebound? Hurts if so I think that is entirely likely, sorry to say. Hot and cold behaviour towards you, ex on her mind, she is reassessing the situation with you, needs space is often just a practice run for leaving. Make the decision for her, tell her to go. It may jolt her into leaving or it may jolt her into staying, either way it is better for you, as you take back some control.
Emilia Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 So guys.. She came back after just a day or two of space and me being slightly aloof. She was fully loved up and back to normal and it was great. She apologized for being cold and distant and she couldn't quite understand why she was like that. Big surprise... 1 week later and it's happening again! I've brought it up again after trying to give her space again and she say's she wants to slow things down and I keep bringing up things that she don't seem right.She says I'm being stressy. Maybe I am looking into it too much. But it's literally like night and day with her. I am her world one day and then she seems unsure the next (only over the last few weeks). I messaged her.. "I can see a future with her and I like the thought of it. I'll give her space again but I can't keep going doing it every week." I didn't get a reply and I tried to call and she didn't answer. I woke up late that night and apologized for being like that and questioning again. Haven't heard anything back and doubt I will. I guess I'll just have to wait it out again and play it cool this sucks. She has major emotion regulation issues. It's nothing anyone can do anything about, except herself and even if she started that today, it would take her YEARS to fix herself. This has no future at all. Get out now before you get sucked into a proper headf***
Emilia Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Was I just a rebound? Hurts if so No. I've seen this before in people, it's a sign of something much bigger that I promise you can't even comprehend. She is very very unstable and even if she gets back in touch (it's possible), she will keep doing this until she shuts you out completely. She will shut you out eventually after more push and pull. You MUST cut her off.
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 If you don't want her to continue flipping back and forth, one week to the next, you need to show her by your ACTIONS you won't tolerate it. Telling her obviously isn't working. Be strong! She has now backed off AGAIN ...it is time for YOU to back off. Stop contacting her, stop apologizing, and if she returns again, you DON'T just forgive and forget and hope she won't "flip" again. You continue to distance yourself and let her PROVE herself to you, before YOU choose to go back to HER! She needs to experience (suffer) the consequences of her actions, otherwise this will continue happening. By that I mean she needs to feel the *loss* of you. She needs to understand that she can't just keep changing her mind on a whim and expect that you're always gonna be there, taking her back each time, with open arms. She wants an emotionally strong MAN...with a backbone! Again, you SHOW her by your actions that her behavior is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. You show her that you are NOT her little puppy dog, who, when she says "jump," you ask "how high"? You can also tell her all this, but if your words are not backed up by actions, they mean jack shyt. We teach people how to treat us! Via our actions. Good luck. How do I do this? Would I ignore her attempts at contact all together? Or just be like I'm not that bothered by her actions and show I have my own life? I'm not into playing games. I'd prefer not to walk away and not to ignore her if she wants to meet or asks how I am.
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