Boymeetsgirl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Hi guys. Need some help/advice please. I've been in a relationship for about 5 months now with a girl who I've fallen in love with. We both love each other and have shared this. She was always the one to initiate contact and she was so in love with me. Always kissing and hugging and holding my hands. Recently she became quite distant and I pushed for an answer to why. I think my pushing for an answer was obviously wrong and may have ruined things. We have told each other we still love one another. But she has said she needs to sort things out in her own head. And maybe we aren't right for each other. I've said I will give her some space. But it's killing me not knowing what's happening. She is kinda being distant and uninterested. All this has happened in such a short space of time when everything was going perfect. I feel like I should be there for her and reach out. But all advice seems to be give her space and cut contact. Just seems wrong when I feel like now is the time to be there for her. A women's perspective would be good on this.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Think of it this way dude. Let's say that you love pizza. But then for a month you have it for every single meal. Eventually you'd need a bit of a break from pizza right? People are the same way. It's human nature to get bored when you have too much of a good thing. So if a woman gets a bit distant, doesn't reach out as much, etc it's not because she loves you any less. She just needs a bit of an emotional recharge. The problem though is that some guys freak out when this happens. They start over pursuing and blowing up her phone, or pressuring her for answers on why she has changed etc.. But the best thing you can do is give the woman space and act indifferent. Be completely confident and secure in her overall interest. Let her reach out to you again at her own pace. Then when she does, plan the next get together and repeat. My guess in your situation is that you've been smothering her a bit lately and she just needs some time to herself. Allow her that space to start missing you again. By learning how to enjoy the highs, and patiently ride out the lows, you get an average of a healthy successful relationship.
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Thanks for the reply fitnessfan365 this makes a lot of scene. I visited her and said I'm gonna give her space and just wanted to let her know I won't contact her until I hear from her. I think an ex might have confused her too. The dates add up from when she met him last and I know they are in contact. Best thing I can do is what you said. Walk away and give space. She said she needs to figure out what she wants and doesn't want to hurt me. I suggested time apart and then getting back in touch and keeping it casual and fun instead of being full on. She kinda agreed, but she isn't giving much away. Seems to have gone from in love to unsure in a few days. It's not looking good though
LostOnes05 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Sounds like an old boyfriend she had unresolved feelings for came back in the picture. From I love you to unsure in a matter of days?? That doesn't happen unless she cheated, you cheated, she is severely depressed, or as I suggested someone came back into her life. I would suggest the same as fitnessfan. Give her space but go about living your life. If she leaves, her loss. 1
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Sounds like an old boyfriend she had unresolved feelings for came back in the picture. From I love you to unsure in a matter of days?? That doesn't happen unless she cheated, you cheated, she is severely depressed, or as I suggested someone came back into her life. I would suggest the same as fitnessfan. Give her space but go about living your life. If she leaves, her loss. Thanks for your advice too. I actually asked about the ex and she obviously has sad feelings about him as they were together a long time. I think this is the problem and I need a course of action. Maybe best thing is to still give her space. Would be devastating if we broke up though. And I know her and the ex had a rocky relationship and it wasn't healthy.
Methodical Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Maybe she got tired of being the one to initiate contact. Did you ever hug and kiss all over her for no reason other than because you love her?
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Hi guys. Need some help/advice please. I've been in a relationship for about 5 months now with a girl who I've fallen in love with. We both love each other and have shared this. She was always the one to initiate contact and she was so in love with me. Always kissing and hugging and holding my hands. Recently she became quite distant and I pushed for an answer to why. I think my pushing for an answer was obviously wrong and may have ruined things. We have told each other we still love one another. But she has said she needs to sort things out in her own head. And maybe we aren't right for each other. I've said I will give her some space. But it's killing me not knowing what's happening. She is kinda being distant and uninterested. All this has happened in such a short space of time when everything was going perfect. I feel like I should be there for her and reach out. But all advice seems to be give her space and cut contact. Just seems wrong when I feel like now is the time to be there for her. A women's perspective would be good on this. OP, I just have to ask. You say you were (are) in love with her. Why then, was SHE *always* the one to initiate contact? Not getting that.. That gets old after awhile... maybe she got bored with the same ole routine and you sitting on your rear forcing HER to do all the heavy lifting. Just sayin... 1
BlueIris Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I agree with katiegrl. I’d add this too- If you love someone and he or she is withdrawing, you ask why. You tell him/her that you love them and you want to know how they’re feeling. Then you just listen so you can understand. That’s what you do if you love someone, because presumably you care about her. Walking away and giving space is the way you communicate that you don't care or don't want to deal with them. Walking away and giving space is certainly easier. It requires no effort and she can work it out on her own, and then get back in contact when she's all better and being affectionate again.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I agree with katiegrl. I’d add this too- If you love someone and he or she is withdrawing, you ask why. You tell him/her that you love them and you want to know how they’re feeling. Then you just listen so you can understand. That’s what you do if you love someone, because presumably you care about her. Walking away and giving space is the way you communicate that you don't care or don't want to deal with them. Walking away and giving space is certainly easier. It requires no effort and she can work it out on her own, and then get back in contact when she's all better and being affectionate again. Communication is great. But I actually disagree with you in this case. If someone withdraws a bit, I don't see it as their interest level severely dropping. I just see it as them needing a bit of an emotional recharge. Like I said earlier. If you love pizza but had it for every meal over an entire month, you'd need a little bit of a break from pizza. It's human nature to get bored with too much of a good thing and to need periods of brief space to re-attract. So that's why I think it's a better idea to remain confident in someone's overall interest and just give them space You don't ask why or try to force them back to where they were. You don't blow up their phone or over pursue them. You simply give them a few days to recharge, allow them to reach out on their own, and make plans to see them when they do. Then act as if everything is just as good as it ever was. The only exception I'd make to this advice is if someone goes completely cold and distant doing a 180. They disappear and you don't hear word one for a week or more, etc.. Then a talk is warranted. But in most cases, we're talking about reduced text frequency, and just needing a bit of space to miss someone again. When people ask "why" and freak out over the need for small bits of space, that is when it becomes a larger problem IMO.
Methodical Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 When you love someone and sense they are becoming distant, you step up to the plate and find out what's going on BEFORE they say, "I want space." Now she is fed up and has taken a step back to evaluate whether or not she want to continue in a relationship that seems solely driven by her initiations. 1
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 When you love someone and sense they are becoming distant, you step up to the plate and find out what's going on BEFORE they say, "I want space." Now she is fed up and has taken a step back to evaluate whether or not she want to continue in a relationship that seems solely driven by her initiations. Absolutely! He has NO idea why she has stepped back. To assume she needs a "recharge*.. ..due to too much of a *good* thing...is just well... wrong. She may be feeling like HE doesn't give a crap, and THAT is why she has pulled back. It's quite possible she is tired and turned off by having to be the one to do ALL the initiating and heavy lifting.. as he mentioned she has been doing since the get go. So in response to his laziness and passivity, she pulled back.... and his response (according to the previous poster) is to leave her alone and give her space? THAT may be why she pulled back in the first place! He doesn't DO anything! He sits back and forces her to come to him. Ugh! OP, you need to grow a pair, step up to the plate, and talk to her.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Absolutely! He has NO idea why she has stepped back. To assume she needs a "recharge*.. ..due to too much of a *good* thing...is just well... wrong. She may be feeling like HE doesn't give a crap, and THAT is why she has pulled back. It's quite possible she is tired and turned off by having to be the one to do ALL the initiating and heavy lifting.. as he mentioned she has been doing since the get go. So in response to his laziness and passivity, she pulled back.... and his response (according to the previous poster) is to leave her alone and give her space? THAT may be why she pulled back in the first place! He doesn't DO anything! He sits back and forces her to come to him. Ugh! OP, you need to grow a pair, step up to the plate, and talk to her. Katie, Did you read that they've only been together five months? Now that the infatuation stage is finally starting to subside a little bit, she probably just needs a bit of space. I'm actually surprised you can't relate because you've mentioned in the past that both you and your BF have needed space from each other at times right? A prime suspect of a woman needing space is when a guy smothers and over pursues. In this case, he probably sensed that she was starting to be a bit distant with the initial infatuation starting to cool a bit, and tried to fix things only making it worse. In the beginning when infatuation starts to wane a bit, it's only natural for one or both people to need just a bit of time to themselves. Especially since according to him it was five months of lovey dovey hot and heavy. I mean that doesn't make sense to you at all? It's funny because we usually see eye to eye on a lot of stuff. But recently we've been disagreeing like crazy.
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Hi guys. Thanks for all your comments. I have also been organising dates and initiating contact. When we spent more time together and I could see a future I treated her amazing and told her how sexy, beautiful and that I loved her often. I actually showed up today and we went for coffee where I asked her what the problem might be. She has no idea and feels like she doesn't want to lead me on when her feelings have for some reason become unclear. She said we aren't breaking up yet as she wants to seriously think about us and then make her mind up. I told her I loved her, would want to work it out and I will give her the space she needs. I suggested we pick up our relationship in a lighter way and have fun again and see what happens. But I can just see she is cold and her eyes aren't like they use to be when she was around me. Like I said.. This has happened in about a week. I noticed it happening and brought it up a few times but she wasn't too sure herself so unfortunately a few arguments occurred and I apologised for pushing for an answer and we seemed to move on. So now I'm kind of in limbo after our meeting today. I've told her I'll give her space and not contact her until she gets in touch. And reassured her I love her and want to work on things.
Emilia Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I agree with those that think she's had enough of initiating. Now the OP turned around and told her to get in touch when she wants.... I would read these things as 'letting me go'.
Gary S Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 When they say they need space, you are on the way out. Sorry. 4
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 I agree with those that think she's had enough of initiating. Now the OP turned around and told her to get in touch when she wants.... I would read these things as 'letting me go'. Well seen as though she wants space I would have just presumed that leaving her until she contact me would be the best cause? She has asked for it so I thought a day or two then a little text to see if she's ok would be fine. But how to give someone space and regrow attraction when you want to be there for them is a mystery. I feel like I will loose this girl and I've made it more than clear I don't want that to happen. When I say she did all the initiating I mean that she was so heavily into me that she wanted to be in constant contact that I happily responded to and initiated a lot of dates and cooked meals etc etc. we had an amazing, equal and sharing relationship that for one reason or another in her mind has dropped off and she has to think about things.
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Katie, Did you read that they've only been together five months? Now that the infatuation stage is finally starting to subside a little bit, she probably just needs a bit of space. I'm actually surprised you can't relate because you've mentioned in the past that both you and your BF have needed space from each other at times right? A prime suspect of a woman needing space is when a guy smothers and over pursues. In this case, he probably sensed that she was starting to be a bit distant with the initial infatuation starting to cool a bit, and tried to fix things only making it worse. In the beginning when infatuation starts to wane a bit, it's only natural for one or both people to need just a bit of time to themselves. Especially since according to him it was five months of lovey dovey hot and heavy. I mean that doesn't make sense to you at all? It's funny because we usually see eye to eye on a lot of stuff. But recently we've been disagreeing like crazy. I do need space from time to time, so does my boyfriend, but we live together so to me, that is not unusual. We also needed space while dating, for the reason you mentioned, we both needed a recharge. But you can't presume all relationships are the same. People pull back for all sorts of reasons... not just because they need a recharge. The OP's situation is different, in that...SHE has been doing all the initiating/pursuing since the get go, and speaking personally, if I were forced into that role, I would have pulled back WAY before five months. NOT because I needed a recharge, but because I was tired of doing all the initiating! As I said, it gets old and she may be turned off by his perceived laziness and passivity. If that IS the case, the last thing he should do is respond with more laziness and passivity.... as leaving her alone and giving her space would certainly suggest...
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) Well seen as though she wants space I would have just presumed that leaving her until she contact me would be the best cause? She has asked for it so I thought a day or two then a little text to see if she's ok would be fine. But how to give someone space and regrow attraction when you want to be there for them is a mystery. I feel like I will loose this girl and I've made it more than clear I don't want that to happen. When I say she did all the initiating I mean that she was so heavily into me that she wanted to be in constant contact that I happily responded to and initiated a lot of dates and cooked meals etc etc. we had an amazing, equal and sharing relationship that for one reason or another in her mind has dropped off and she has to think about things. ^^Thanks for this additional info...very helpful in understanding the situation better. Given what you just posted, and clarifying that you both initiated/pursued, my opinion has changed. Since she has asked for space, give her space...leave her alone as ff suggested. Good luck.... Edited April 12, 2015 by katiegrl 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I do need space from time to time, so does my boyfriend, but we live together so to me, that is not unusual. We also needed space while dating, for the reason you mentioned, we both needed a recharge. But you can't presume all relationships are the same. People pull back for all sorts of reasons... not just because they need a recharge. The OP's situation is different, in that...SHE has been doing all the initiating/pursuing since the get go, and speaking personally, if I were forced into that role, I would have pulled back WAY before five months. NOT because I needed a recharge, but because I was tired of doing all the initiating! As I said, it gets old and she may be turned off by his perceived laziness and passivity. If that IS the case, the last thing he should do is respond with more laziness and passivity.... as leaving her alone and giving her space would certainly suggest... Fair enough. I agree that it's not a one size fits all sort of thing. But I have noticed that when women are extremely interested, they tend to initiate and blow up the phone a lot. So her always initiating could be seen as her just being really interested in him, I mean he may not have intentionally meant for her to always initiate. But if she is always reaching out to him of her own free will, it makes sense for him to keep letting her do so.
Author Boymeetsgirl Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 I do need space from time to time, so does my boyfriend, but we live together so to me, that is not unusual. We also needed space while dating, for the reason you mentioned, we both needed a recharge. But you can't presume all relationships are the same. People pull back for all sorts of reasons... not just because they need a recharge. The OP's situation is different, in that...SHE has been doing all the initiating/pursuing since the get go, and speaking personally, if I were forced into that role, I would have pulled back WAY before five months. NOT because I needed a recharge, but because I was tired of doing all the initiating! As I said, it gets old and she may be turned off by his perceived laziness and passivity. If that IS the case, the last thing he should do is respond with more laziness and passivity.... as leaving her alone and giving her space would certainly suggest... No.. I don't believe that's the reason due to how I've been the last few months. I've done a lot of initiating and planned dates, made meals, told her how I feel and that I'm in love with her (which I actually said first if that makes a difference?) We are both mid/late 20's and been in many relationships before. I think it's one of the following: I was too keen and she got a little bored. I was not clued up enough that she just needed space and shouldn't have pushed for an explanation. Or, the ex is back on her mind and has confused her. I'm hoping it's just a case of needing a little time to miss me again perhaps. We had future plans and we're both in this for the long haul. We both made that pretty clear and recently I committed more to her and told her I was in this for a full relationship and see a future with her. Maybe this scared her off. But from her past affection towards me I thought it was best to lay it out like that and tell her how I feel. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 No.. I don't believe that's the reason due to how I've been the last few months. I've done a lot of initiating and planned dates, made meals, told her how I feel and that I'm in love with her (which I actually said first if that makes a difference?) We are both mid/late 20's and been in many relationships before. I think it's one of the following: I was too keen and she got a little bored. I was not clued up enough that she just needed space and shouldn't have pushed for an explanation. Or, the ex is back on her mind and has confused her. I'm hoping it's just a case of needing a little time to miss me again perhaps. We had future plans and we're both in this for the long haul. We both made that pretty clear and recently I committed more to her and told her I was in this for a full relationship and see a future with her. Maybe this scared her off. But from her past affection towards me I thought it was best to lay it out like that and tell her how I feel. That's what I picked up on from the beginning with your original post and why I gave the advice that I did. You got used to her high interest level. So you started to get more and more invested and came on a bit too strong. This caused her to back off a bit, which made you push even harder. Then when you wanted to know why, she said she wanted space. Really now all you can do is just not contact her, let her cool off, and start to miss you again. Then when she reaches out, make plans and cap the night reminding her why she misses your bed. 1
katiegrl Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 That's what I picked up on from the beginning with your original post and why I gave the advice that I did. You got used to her high interest level. So you started to get more and more invested and came on a bit too strong. This caused her to back off a bit, which made you push even harder. Then when you wanted to know why, she said she wanted space. Really now all you can do is just not contact her, let her cool off, and start to miss you again. Then when she reaches out, make plans and cap the night reminding her why she misses your bed. I agree.. (see my last post no. 18).... 1
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 What a horrible place to be....wondering why and hanging by a thread. Sometimes relationships start off like wild fire, and then just fizzle out. This is called the honeymoon period, where you become obsessed with each other, you feel it's forever, nothing is going to happen, etc....then it starts to wear off, the excitement is gone, you start to see flaws, you find yourself attracted to someone else, you get bored, the attraction is no longer there.....and the unfortunate part is, the emotional attachment is still there making you feel so confused as to what to do....should you end it or work on getting that spark back. That's when they ask for space to see if they are making the right decision to end it.....to see if they can live without you, what it would feel like to not be with you anymore. There is nothing at this point to change things....it's all up to her and her soul searching.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 What a horrible place to be....wondering why and hanging by a thread. Sometimes relationships start off like wild fire, and then just fizzle out. This is called the honeymoon period, where you become obsessed with each other, you feel it's forever, nothing is going to happen, etc....then it starts to wear off, the excitement is gone, you start to see flaws, you find yourself attracted to someone else, you get bored, the attraction is no longer there.....and the unfortunate part is, the emotional attachment is still there making you feel so confused as to what to do....should you end it or work on getting that spark back. That's when they ask for space to see if they are making the right decision to end it.....to see if they can live without you, what it would feel like to not be with you anymore. There is nothing at this point to change things....it's all up to her and her soul searching. Yep, it's how a lot of relationships go. When it's new and exciting, anyone can seem like "the one". But the true test of a good relationship is how it feels after the first year or longer. Is the passion still there? Are the communication skills and conversations still good? Are both people compatible in terms of lifestyles and goals? One reason why things feel solid with my GF is that she's the first woman in FOREVER, that I don't care about sex with. It's ironic because we can't keep our hands off each other. But I've had plenty of dates with her where I just enjoyed her company and kissed her goodnight at the end of it. With other women, I'd always have a goal of sex at the end of every date. Maybe it was my subconscious realizing that there wasn't much else there and I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. However, in general I think the key when things start to fizzle a bit is not to freak out, over pursue, demand to know why, etc.. Just accept it as a natural part of the relationship evolution, and allow for periods of brief space.
devilish innocent Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 The ball is in her court. You've said and done what you could. Now she needs to decide what she wants. You told her you wouldn't be contacting her until she contacted, so you need to be patient. Good luck!
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