Should I let him go if everything seems to be against us?

[itsdinaah]

I really like/love the guy. I feel together we would be perfect but there seems to be so many things standing in the way.

 

1. He has incurable STD (it's not fatal).

2. His roommate is my ex.

3. He keeps pushing me away and friendzoning me even though it seems like he's interested. (Not completely sure how he feels)

 

He gives me mixed signals one moment he tells me he loves me in every way possible. He called me his soulmate once too. However, he doesn't text me as much as he used to and sometimes he doesn't respond at all.

 

I think he's trying to distance me. I confronted him once about it and told him it doesn't feel like we're friends anymore. He seemed shocked and told me he loved me and valued our friendship. He promised to make it up to me and he did for a while but now he's back to less contact again. I understand that he's busy but he's always on social media posting stuff.

 

Should I just let him go? If so how do I let him go in the nicest way?

[salparadise]

So you feel strongly enough that you'd willingly acquire his permanent STD for a chance at romance? Looks like to me that you'd be the one trying to distance.

[itsdinaah]

So you feel strongly enough that you'd willingly acquire his permanent STD for a chance at romance? Looks like to me that you'd be the one trying to distance.

 

Well I'm saving myself until marriage and he knows that. And after doing extensive research I found out that it is possible for the person to not spread it. I actually know a couple where the woman has this disease and has two kids. She didn't give it to her husband or either of her kids. I understand the risks trust me that is not something I'm taking lightly.

Edited April 12, 2015 by itsdinaah
Typo

[badpenny]

Look at the way he's behaving now, and imagine yourself in a relationship with him.

Now, double it.

If ever you get into a relationship with him, he will take you for granted, and assume you'll take him as he is, warts and all. (And I don't mean his STD.)

 

Is that what you want? because I honestly think that's what you'll get.

You already have reservations.

 

Listen to them. They don't lie.

[itsdinaah]

Look at the way he's behaving now, and imagine yourself in a relationship with him.

Now, double it.

If ever you get into a relationship with him, he will take you for granted, and assume you'll take him as he is, warts and all. (And I don't mean his STD.)

 

Thanks for your advice. I think I'm probably just making him out to care about me more than he does. Any ideas as to why he's giving those mixed signals? Should I let go of his friendship as well?

[spiderowl]

It's very difficult when you are getting mixed signals. There could be many reasons why, for example:

 

- he's embarrassed about the STD and doesn't want you to risk it

- he's interested in being a friend but not more

- there's someone else he's interested in but you would be the fall-back if that doesn't work out

- he's gay or bi and thinks you wouldn't be interested if you found out

 

... and lots of other reasons.

 

All you can know if that something is amiss between you. Conversation and contact isn't exactly smooth. You are feeling hurt by it. You have no control over how he is behaving towards you.

 

There is a lot in the above that means you are in the dark here and it's hurting you. You are better off not putting any hopes in him and looking outwards instead. You can't put this communication issue right by yourself. It takes two and he's not going to any trouble to resolve it.

[itsdinaah]

 

All you can know if that something is amiss between you. Conversation and contact isn't exactly smooth. You are feeling hurt by it. You have no control over how he is behaving towards you.

 

There is a lot in the above that means you are in the dark here and it's hurting you. You are better off not putting any hopes in him and looking outwards instead. You can't put this communication issue right by yourself. It takes two and he's not going to any trouble to resolve it.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for your input. It puts so many things into perspective. He takes me for granted and I do deserve better. I deleted him from my phone and have just decided to move on with my life. I want someone who appreciates me and responds in a timely fashion. I'm just going to disappear and never contact him again. Is that too harsh? Or should I tell him something?

[MissBee]

I really like/love the guy. I feel together we would be perfect but there seems to be so many things standing in the way.

 

1. He has incurable STD (it's not fatal).

2. His roommate is my ex.

3. He keeps pushing me away and friendzoning me even though it seems like he's interested. (Not completely sure how he feels)

 

He gives me mixed signals one moment he tells me he loves me in every way possible. He called me his soulmate once too. However, he doesn't text me as much as he used to and sometimes he doesn't respond at all.

 

I think he's trying to distance me. I confronted him once about it and told him it doesn't feel like we're friends anymore. He seemed shocked and told me he loved me and valued our friendship. He promised to make it up to me and he did for a while but now he's back to less contact again. I understand that he's busy but he's always on social media posting stuff.

 

Should I just let him go? If so how do I let him go in the nicest way?

 

Let it go. If it's an uphill battle you aren't "perfect" together. There are so many people in drama filled, dysfunctional relationships saying how "perfect" they are together when all they do is fight, spend most of the time confused, don't know what's going on, it's not really beneficial, the only thing they have holding on to is feeling like they like the person and are "perfect on paper" but life isn't paper....life is life and good relationships, while they do involve work, aren't like this one.

 

Let him go. There doesn't even seem to be much to let go of, so don't worry about being nice. Simply tell him you care for him but don't believe being in a relationship is best and you need time to heal so won't be talking to him much. Cry your heart out and feel bad but trust me, with time you'll be glad you did it and you will move on to a more sustainable situation.

[itsdinaah]

I'm getting there slowly. I guess the hardest part is knowing how sweet and caring he used to be. Or maybe that was just because it was the beginning so he was still hiding his true self.

[Rewan]

I really like/love the guy. I feel together we would be perfect but there seems to be so many things standing in the way.

 

1. He has incurable STD (it's not fatal).

2. His roommate is my ex.

3. He keeps pushing me away and friendzoning me even though it seems like he's interested. (Not completely sure how he feels)

 

He gives me mixed signals one moment he tells me he loves me in every way possible. He called me his soulmate once too. However, he doesn't text me as much as he used to and sometimes he doesn't respond at all.

 

I think he's trying to distance me. I confronted him once about it and told him it doesn't feel like we're friends anymore. He seemed shocked and told me he loved me and valued our friendship. He promised to make it up to me and he did for a while but now he's back to less contact again. I understand that he's busy but he's always on social media posting stuff.

 

Should I just let him go? If so how do I let him go in the nicest way?

 

At first while reading this post, I was a bit concerned with the fact that you're willing to put yourself in a position to get his STD. Speaking as someone that has seen a number of people asking for advice (not on here but elsewhere) and have put themselves in positions where they are at risk and/or acquired the STD in question from putting themselves in such a position, I am glad that you have been doing your research. Knowledge is power when it comes to things like these, I feel, especially because I had a very close friend that acquired syphilis unknowingly and only found out when his blood donation was rejected by the blood bank. You have to be careful by doing research and making sure you're tested regularly (even if you don't have full-blown intercourse, as there are plenty of diseases spread by skin to skin contact and through the mouth), but I'm not going to say that you should leave him just for that.

 

However, I will say that, if it were me, I would feel better off in the end if I left him instead of waiting and trying. What it seems like to me is that he wants to be your friend and that he does care about you. But he does it on his terms and when it's convenient. I know this is hurtful to hear, but I've been in this situation before. I allowed a man to lead me on for about nine months. He did the same thing where he acted very distant and would come around for a short time, only to become distant again. And he'd take to posting on social media quite a lot while he had yet to show me even the slightest bit of acknowledgement. In the end, he entered a relationship and didn't even have the decency to tell me he didn't want to be with me (I found out through social media instead).

 

It hurt like hell, and I'd never want to see someone go through that, so I tell you that story because I'm hoping that it'll sink in for what could possibly happen in your situation. Maybe it sounds a bit juvenile, but by taking the steps to leave instead of waiting to be left alone in the situation, you're respecting yourself because you're actively acknowledging what behavior you don't like and don't want to tolerate from a potential lover. If you wait to be left, you're actually disrespecting yourself by ignoring things that do make you unhappy, as I'm sure that you don't like the way he's always hot and cold.

 

I understand how hard this is for you to read, and I know that it won't be an easy thing for you to do. But I do highly recommend that you at least take the time to sit and think about the situation in terms of what you like/don't like in a potential partner's behavior. Establish standards, and make them firm by mentally committing not to altering them for one person. Try your best to completely separate the idea of this guy from you entirely, or else that idea will make you alter your standards, and you'll still be stuck like this (or if you're like me, spending hundreds of dollars on therapy). And if this guy doesn't match your true standards for what you want and what you don't want in a partner, then you should have the courage to leave.

 

If it were me, I would leave, but I'm not you. So this has to be, in the end, your choice based on what you believe is best for you- not for him, not for your ex, not for anyone except you. I hope this helps, at least a little..

 

P.S. Regardless of who your ex is, it doesn't matter. If your relationship with your ex is over, then he has no say anymore. You don't need his permission to date someone else.. This doesn't mean that I'm saying you should go out of your way to hurt him or make him uncomfortable, but you can still be with whomever you wish while still being civil. It's just called mutual respect for the other's happiness.

[itsdinaah]

It's always nice knowing that I'm not the only going through this. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

I deserve more than someone who just gives me scraps of attention. I never realized how much of a jerk he was until now. He's never there for me when I need him and even though he says he cares about me, actions speak louder than words. I'm respecting myself and letting him go.

 

Thank you everyone