Jame22 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I'm a 24 year old man and I've probably been on 20-30 first dates in the past few years and nothing ever works out. I've never had a real girlfriend and my longest relationship was just under two months. The thing is I have no trouble getting 2nd, 3rd and even 4th dates. I'd estimate that I get to the 2nd date with 80% and about 25% get a fourth date. I just don't understand why someone would go on 3 or 4 dates with someone and just fall of the map. I mean I must be doing something right if most of the girls I meet want a 2nd date. I'm going on another 4th date tomorrow and it's making me anxious. Any advice?
Poppyolive Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 What are your ideas as to why this is happening? Are you making some moves? Light touching, flirting? Its heard to know, without a break down, play by play. Advice, confidence, if its not meant to be, the right one is coming soon. You're right, a lady investing in seeing you for four dates, is without doubt, interested. After that. I don't know. Post back, let us know how it goes!!
smg15 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 well you are doing better than me, I haven't got past the 1st date since 2011 lol
smg15 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I'm a 24 year old man and I've probably been on 20-30 first dates in the past few years and nothing ever works out. I've never had a real girlfriend and my longest relationship was just under two months. The thing is I have no trouble getting 2nd, 3rd and even 4th dates. I'd estimate that I get to the 2nd date with 80% and about 25% get a fourth date. I just don't understand why someone would go on 3 or 4 dates with someone and just fall of the map. I mean I must be doing something right if most of the girls I meet want a 2nd date. I'm going on another 4th date tomorrow and it's making me anxious. Any advice? Are these women contacting you IN BETWEEN DATES to see how you are doing?
Author Jame22 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 What are your ideas as to why this is happening? Are you making some moves? Light touching, flirting? Its heard to know, without a break down, play by play. Advice, confidence, if its not meant to be, the right one is coming soon. You're right, a lady investing in seeing you for four dates, is without doubt, interested. After that. I don't know. Post back, let us know how it goes!! Initially I thought It was because I was too shy and too slow but lately that hasn't been the case and it's still happening. I'm just thinking that it's bad luck
Author Jame22 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Are these women contacting you IN BETWEEN DATES to see how you are doing? It varies, but for the most part i'm the one contacting them first. Should I stop initiating?
Author Jame22 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 well you are doing better than me, I haven't got past the 1st date since 2011 lol that sucks! roughly how many dates have you been on?
Gary S Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Most women you meet won't go past a few dates, don't worry about it. If it went 2 months, you would probably have a relationship. You are only looking for one. The needle in the haystack.
Author Jame22 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Most women you meet won't go past a few dates, don't worry about it. If it went 2 months, you would probably have a relationship. You are only looking for one. The needle in the haystack. RUSS! Go get the hammer
freelo Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 It's an interesting pattern you've identified. From what you've said, it appears that you're really good at first impressions but somewhat lax when it comes to receiving commitment from women. This could be because one of two reasons-one, you give off the vibe that you're not interested beyond casual dating or two, the women you tend to date aren't interested in long-term commitment and enjoy casual dating. Before you go on another date, think long and hard about the kind of commitment you'd want in your next relationship and look for women who want the same level of commitment. Even though there might be chemistry between two people, timing, circumstance and commitment level are just as important when it comes to the establishment of a relationship. 1
Gary S Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 More words of wisdom: - You are better off being single than in a poor relationship. By the way, do you know what's good about marrying an ugly woman? - If she ever leaves you, who cares! 2
TheBathWater Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 There could be all kinds of reasons why this is happening, and it is impossible without knowing you more to be able to say what that is. It may even have nothing to really do with you either. The sad nature of dating in this era is that romantic connections are transient. People simply don't get invested like they once did. The game has changed significantly. I know that does not make it any less frustrating though. We almost want to know what we can do better. I have been there (and am still there quite often). I think you seem self-reflective and if there were truly something you needed to do differently, you would be aware of it.
Redhead14 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I'm a 24 year old man and I've probably been on 20-30 first dates in the past few years and nothing ever works out. I've never had a real girlfriend and my longest relationship was just under two months. The thing is I have no trouble getting 2nd, 3rd and even 4th dates. I'd estimate that I get to the 2nd date with 80% and about 25% get a fourth date. I just don't understand why someone would go on 3 or 4 dates with someone and just fall of the map. I mean I must be doing something right if most of the girls I meet want a 2nd date. I'm going on another 4th date tomorrow and it's making me anxious. Any advice? Just because you get to 3 or 4 dates doesn't mean it's become a binding contract to continue seeing someone. It takes at least a few dates to feel comfortable with the person and dropping each other's guard a little. Lose the anxiety, it will come across in ways you don't realize. Be yourself, be relaxed and simply enjoy the time with her. Be sure to schedule the next date with her, if you still like her enough. Have a specific day and plan for the following week. If she says she needs to check her calendar or something like that, tell her you will need confirmation by X day. If she's doesn't confirm, move on. If you try to set something up after a date, you will know right then and there if it's going to go further, rather than wondering. She will accept or decline. If she declines without a valid reason or a reason that is wishy washy, you can ask her to get back to you. You've put the ball in her court, leave it to her to return it. If she's doesn't so be it. You should secure a next date with specificity by the end of a previous date for a little while. This will reassure the woman of the seriousness of your intentions with her. Oftentimes, it's the lack of reassurance that kills the interest. It takes a lot of the wondering out in between dates as well. If you can't make a specific plan with her at the end of a date, simply communicate regularly with her until you can. In the beginning, a call a week and a couple of texts. Don't over do it. It's about balance. Communication between dates helps to reassure her and helps you keep that connection. It also gives you a guage as to her interest as well. 2
Author Jame22 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) Post back, let us know how it goes!! The date went good, but not great. We were supposed to go to an amusement park but it rained all weekend so we had to settle for dinner and drinks. She parked her car at my place and at the end of the date I asked her if she wanted to come up to my room for some tea and she said "next time" and that she was tired and had to get home. I have a feeling that she's luke warm towards me. She also just got a new job where she has to work weekends which sucks because that's the bulk of my free time. I think she still wants to go to the amusement park with me..but that might be rough now. I initiated contact for planning all 4 of our dates so for now I think I'm going to cut her off texting/calling wise and see if she likes me enough to initiate. So it's not totally dead but it's not looking good. I'm going to keep looking Edited April 13, 2015 by Jame22
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 The date went good, but not great. We were supposed to go to an amusement park but it rained all weekend so we had to settle for dinner and drinks. She parked her car at my place and at the end of the date I asked her if she wanted to come up to my room for some tea and she said "next time" and that she was tired and had to get home. I have a feeling that she's luke warm towards me. She also just got a new job where she has to work weekends which sucks because that's the bulk of my free time. I think she still wants to go to the amusement park with me..but that might be rough now. I initiated contact for planning all 4 of our dates so for now I think I'm going to cut her off texting/calling wise and see if she likes me enough to initiate. So it's not totally dead but it's not looking good. I'm going to keep looking Don't drop the ball now! Maybe that is what you're doing wrong. It's ok for you to initiate, she has accepted all of your invitations so far so don't change anything, it's working. Have you held hands or kissed in those 4 dates?
Author Jame22 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Don't drop the ball now! Maybe that is what you're doing wrong. It's ok for you to initiate, she has accepted all of your invitations so far so don't change anything, it's working. Have you held hands or kissed in those 4 dates? IDK, I just feel like it would be a good idea to lay off for a while. If she really likes me she'll eventually shoot me a text or call when she realizes I'm not going to. We kissed at the end of the date on the first 3 dates and last night we held hands and made out briefly a couple of times. So I know she still likes me and everything but like I said before her new work hours could kill the momentum so I want to make sure she's really into me before continuing.
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 IDK, I just feel like it would be a good idea to lay off for a while. If she really likes me she'll eventually shoot me a text or call when she realizes I'm not going to. We kissed at the end of the date on the first 3 dates and last night we held hands and made out briefly a couple of times. So I know she still likes me and everything but like I said before her new work hours could kill the momentum so I want to make sure she's really into me before continuing. What I am reading is that the physical aspect of your relationship is evolving slowly. It's a good sign. It's not her fault that her schedule changed, it's not like she is purposely making herself unavailable. So ok, if you really need the affirmation let her reach out to you. Is it something you usually do after 3-4 dates slowing down on purpose to check their level of interest ?
Author Jame22 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 What I am reading is that the physical aspect of your relationship is evolving slowly. It's a good sign. It's not her fault that her schedule changed, it's not like she is purposely making herself unavailable. So ok, if you really need the affirmation let her reach out to you. Is it something you usually do after 3-4 dates slowing down on purpose to check their level of interest ? It's not necessarily slowing down. I just want to make sure i'm not the one doing all of the initiating. I wouldn't say I usually do it..every girl is different. But this feels right now. I know it's not her fault or anything but I feel like it might make things very difficult and I want to make sure she's really into me before tying to make it work. It's just really frustrating. It's always one thing or another. I know i sound pessimistic and I probably shouldn't be but I'm just tired of things always falling apart.
BluEyeL Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I think you're just sabotaging yourself, this is why you don't get beyond 4th date. You don't want to. 1
Gary S Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Just make sure you have a minimum of one date per week and keep kissing, and you won't loose momentum.
road Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 It's not necessarily slowing down. I just want to make sure i'm not the one doing all of the initiating. Why? Another man de-balled by the Feminazi Movement. You want woman then you pursue woman.
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I think you're just sabotaging yourself, this is why you don't get beyond 4th date. You don't want to. I agree with that. OP complains he can't take it past 4 dates but fail to see that he changes his behavior on purpose past that point and that's why it's failing.
losangelena Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 I had a guy do that to me, but I only realized in hindsight what happened. We'd had two pretty good dates—hadn't gotten at all physical yet though—then he just dropped off the face of the earth. I get what OP is saying, that he wants to gauge her true interest, but from a woman's perspective, it's very confusing and disorienting. And if a woman came on here and posted that she'd gone out on four great dates with a guy, and then he just disappeared, most people would say that he'd either met another girl or just wasn't all that interested. I don't think it's that woman are unwilling to do the work, it's just that when a pattern is established and it suddenly changes, typically people assume the worst. In the past, before that guy, I had reached out to guys who'd faded or disappeared, and never heard back, so my assumption was that he disappeared because he wasn't interested, and never followed-up because I really didn't want to face another case of being ignored or told to eff-off. It was only weeks or months later that I realized maybe that wasn't the case. A better way of doing it would have been for him to make it clear that it was my job to plan the next date if I were interested. I would have been happy to. So, OP, I wouldn't put her to a test she doesn't know she's taking. You have no idea what her experience in that area is. Women in general have been told for years not to initiate, that men get annoyed if you initiate, that you sound clingy when you initiate (God forbid anyone sound NEEDY), to keep calm and let the men come to you. Ergo, a lot of women don't know how or are scared to. Even in the instances I would reach out first, I was typically very nervous, because I thought that a guy's lack on contact equaled "I'm not really that into you." It sounds ridiculous maybe—and maybe that's how guys feel all the time—but that's the reality of it. You said you don't do that in every interest, I'm just saying that this has been my experience with this particular tactic. I don't know why you're not getting past date four. I'd say, if it's not something you're self-sabotaging, that you just haven't met the right person. My BF was the 29th out of 30 men I dated. It took a while (and I'm like 10 years older than you!). 1
Author Jame22 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 You want woman then you pursue woman. To an extent.
difficult_decisions Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Hey OP, I'm also 24 and exactly in your same position, except I'm better because I make it to 5 dates then it fails I had the same mentality as you. I kept initiating all the time, and it would bother me that she never texted me first. I begin to feel like I was smothering her and coming off as needy, so I stopped. I think we just need to get that out of our head. If she comes off as lukewarm already, what makes you think the silent treatment will make her initiate first? In my mind, she could probably think "oh I wasn't too interested in him anyway, and he really isn't texting me, so he might not be into either" Bottomline is, I went through this exact situation on my last date, and I found out that there was no connection whatsoever. If you're already sabotaging yourself by thinking about all this, it's not a good sign. You want to find the one person, where you'll feel like it can keep initiating, because that's someone I truly want. Just keep dating until you find the right one. Don't try to force things and let things come naturally. I just thought of something, if you're afraid that you're coming off as needy by always initiating contact, make a joke about it if you guys ever bring it up. Something like, "I always felt like I was initiating and coming off as needy, but I like you and I think you're worth it so I'm going to initiate the **** out of you." Haha 1
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