vc87 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I'm currently in a relationship with a g who is everything I never thought i would ever find.. Makes time for me, makes me feel so important and overall just me feel so happy and fills me with such joy.. Really just feel on cloud nine whenever I'm around him and the best part is that it's a mutual thing.. We're on the same page, and we really are completely crazy about each other and in love..honesty never felt this way about anyone ever before in my entire life.. I know this may make me sound like a gold digger and that I need to be wined and dineed and bought things to be happy.. Definitely not the case whatsoever.. My guy has a full time job, he is a very hard worker as well.. No denying it.. But unfortunately he lives pay check to pay check and doesn't have money saved.. And We're both later 20s.. He lives at home still.. (I do as well - not judging); he does have a car and has bills and is responsible in that sense.. I know a lot of people are in the same boat.. But part of me can't help but wonder if this is a red flag.. I have money saved and I'm trying to build up for my future.. i've seen plenty of people who are in relationships with people who have to struggle when it comes to money - it was something I never really thought I'd have to deal with first hand.. So my question is would this be a dealbreaker for you? Could you date someone who isn't financially secure and/or broke?
seekingpeaceinlove Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 That depends. Does he have goals? Ambitions in life? Is he content where he is in life right now? I grew up in a house where we struggled financially and I've always had the mindset that I would do well for myself when I became an adult. I expect the same in my partner and it would be a deal breaker for me if he was content being "broke" and living check to check. I dated a guy when I was 25 who was had been laid off and unemployed for about 6 months before I met him... but he was hustling & working odd jobs while looking for another job. He had goals for his career and was living on his own. A few months later he was hired by a really great company. I guess it all comes down to the person and their circumstances. Why is he so broke? Does he spend his $$ frivolously? Does he have goals? Along with a having a great romantic connection, I also look for ambition and drive in my partner. What's important to you?
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Firstly, you're wise to be thinking about it. Financial problems can cause huge strains on RLs. For me personally, I wouldn't necessarily care that he's broke or has no savings now but I'd be concerned if he had not plans to become financially independent in the future, especially when the relationship develops into the 'moving in together' stage Usually people stay with their parents so they can build up enough savings to afford a place of their own, but you say he has no savings despite living at home; have you talked to him about his professional plans or where he thinks he's heading in the next couple of years?
swordsmen121 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I'm in the same boat. Both me and my girlfriend are nearly broke. She also has three kids to take care of from her previous relationship. As for me, I still live at home but I did get into a good masters program at a college nearby and plan to push myself academically as far as I can. In other words I have ambitions. AS for your case. If he's ambitious and wants to go somewhere in life I think you should stay with him. If hes not and wants to stay where he is than you are going to have to deal with not experiencing the sweet parts of the relationship that other more financially stable couples might. Good luck
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I would be concerned about how he handles his money, and wonder why he is so broke. Nothing worse than being with someone who can't manage their money properly or is irresponsible with credit thinking it's free for the taking. If he was trying to pay off a student loan, or something like that then ya it makes sense.
wb1988 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 You should ask him about his plans, if he shuffles then he probably doesn't have any. I moved back in my parents house for a few years and then got a place of my own. Actually I stayed way longer because it was difficult to save up for a place that matched the quality of the living conditions my parents house had . If you are living with your parents you should think about how close you are in saving at least 7-8 months worth of rent (remember that you have no references) including money your parents can contribute. If this guy isn't saving for this then he might be one of those guys that only get a house though inheritance. Gold diggers are people that want to take away wealth, not share the costs of living.
wb1988 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I'm in the same boat. Both me and my girlfriend are nearly broke. She also has three kids to take care of from her previous relationship. As for me, I still live at home Your post cheered me up, thanks man. 1
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I have to admit when I was dating my husband he was horrible with his money, and I only helped him out once and loaned him money for a lawyer. I wasn't living with him.....when he did move in, I made sure he cleaned up his act, which he did. We do not share bank accounts or credit cards even to this day. We have never fought over money, so keeping the finances separate is key. Never ever get into the habit of bailing them out.....it just enables them to go into more dept.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 It would be dealbreaker for me if the other person lived at home, especially in his late 20s, precisely because so many people don't learn how to be good with money and aren't motivated to earn decent because they are provided with everything still by their parents. I can't imagine anything worse than that entitled 'I want the same standard my parents have even though I'm at the beginning of my working life.' as one poster here put it. No thanks.
swordsmen121 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Your post cheered me up, thanks man. Not sure if srs? I forgot to mention that I'll be moving away for my college and I have enough saved up to get my own car and my own place. To the OP, yes it would make more sense if hes not dependant on his parents anymore but if you don't see that changing anytime soon than yes it could potentially be a dealbreaker
loveweary11 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 He's just a financial idiot, apparently. I used to be one too, until a Jewish guy I was doing business with took me aside and asked me what the hell I was doing. True story. He taught me the skills that have made me successful today. Your guy seems to need a financial education. They don't teach it in school (they should), and if your parents and friends don't teach you... where do you learn? You could teach him. Show him how much less stressful life is when you live below your means and still earn guap. I'm currently in a relationship with a g who is everything I never thought i would ever find.. Makes time for me, makes me feel so important and overall just me feel so happy and fills me with such joy.. Really just feel on cloud nine whenever I'm around him and the best part is that it's a mutual thing.. We're on the same page, and we really are completely crazy about each other and in love..honesty never felt this way about anyone ever before in my entire life.. I know this may make me sound like a gold digger and that I need to be wined and dineed and bought things to be happy.. Definitely not the case whatsoever.. My guy has a full time job, he is a very hard worker as well.. No denying it.. But unfortunately he lives pay check to pay check and doesn't have money saved.. And We're both later 20s.. He lives at home still.. (I do as well - not judging); he does have a car and has bills and is responsible in that sense.. I know a lot of people are in the same boat.. But part of me can't help but wonder if this is a red flag.. I have money saved and I'm trying to build up for my future.. i've seen plenty of people who are in relationships with people who have to struggle when it comes to money - it was something I never really thought I'd have to deal with first hand.. So my question is would this be a dealbreaker for you? Could you date someone who isn't financially secure and/or broke?
Author vc87 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 To add a little more detail about my boyfriend.. He did originally live on his own for many years, but he moved back home to take care of his father who is sick so that's why he lives at home currently.. As far as him having goals, he does talk about the future and his job and how he would like to further himself with it and move up.. I've encouraged him to try to find a job that pays more money for what he does.. Ultimately up to him to decide though.. I guess he does have bills that need to be paid but the rest of his money to seem to get spent frivolously.. Doesn't really make big purchases.. More day to day spending.. I really love and care about him a lot.. Like I said before I'm not the type that needs to go out all the time and be wined and dined, but I can't help but feel that I'm getting a little bit bored just hanging out at his house because he can't afford to go out.. Yes it would break up the monotony of just watching movies and it pretty much just doing nothing.. I was definitely more of the type that liked to go out and do stuff but he's definitely more of a homebody.. May be that way because of his financial situation
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I was definitely more of the type that liked to go out and do stuff but he's definitely more of a homebody.. May be that way because of his financial situation Or maybe he is that way because he is satisfied with his life as it is and has no real desire or aspirations to change it? You can't live on love alone, unfortunately. If one day you wanted to move in together, he'd have to be able to afford it. This isn't an unrealistic plan for someone in their late 20's. It's also a shame that you should forsake going out and socialising more because of this.
jen1447 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Agree ^, the issue seems less about his income (ultimately not anyone's business but his) and more about your incompatibilities. If his income doesn't allow you to go out as much as you like, that's not an income issue, it's a him issue. He doesn't prioritize the same things you do. Giving him a larger income wouldn't fix that. I've dated people like that before - didn't consider them my responsibility or an "anchor" or whatever else. I'm not looking for financial support from a guy or to enter into any financial partnerships, so really not a big deal. If he couldn't afford to go out, that was his problem. Like your guy he had different sensibilities and wasn't really troubled by it.
No Limit Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Deal breaker for me, sorry. Last thing I want is having to worry about my purses' whereabouts while he's sleeping over. 1
preraph Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 A whole lot of people will always live paycheck to paycheck because it's hard to find a good paying job. If he is in a deadend job and has no aspirations to advance or some goal he works toward, then that would be worrysome, but at his age, just not being able to save money is a drag -- but that's been my situation practically my whole life, because it's hard to get a job that pays a lot.
loveweary11 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 This is exactly where many people go wrong. Being well off financially doesn't come from a good paying job or even winning the lottery! Being well off comes from looking at your personal balance sheet and only doing things that increase your net worth or create a revenue stream. Looks like plenty of people could use the talk I got. Put simply, spend nothing while you make as much money as you can. Take all the extra money you have from doing the above and invest it. Not in some BS thing everyone else is doing, but in something that makes you money. For example (not one I would do), buy a duplex house in CASH with no loan and live in one half for free while you rent the other half out. Things like that. "If you want a Bugatti, sip martinis, party in France, you better work b%tch." Truer words have never been spoken And working means making intelligent moves with the money you do make. 2
todreaminblue Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 i dont judge a guy by the size of his bank account....how he treats others is important how he treats me is important,his generosity of spirit is important, you dont have to have money to be a generous person.....that is far more important to me....deb 1
Woggle Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 My uncle taught me how to properly invest my money and make money from doing it. It's good to have a job but don't depend on somebody else for your income especially these days when the average person is being screwed over left and right. 1
Gary S Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Well, you guys are young, and if you are not planning on popping out babies, it might not be a big deal yet, many live paycheck to paycheck and at least he has a job. Something else to consider: If he were just a friend, would you judge so harshly? A relationship is a friendship on fire. I have to say it though, date someone better than you and you'll never have a problem.
mrs rubble Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I dumped a boyfriend when I found out he had a 60k student loan. He'd been a long time student, had 2 degrees, one masters and wanted to study for his Phd, sounds good right? He was also 48years old, had no job, no assets and poor health. I wasn't prepared to risk inheriting someone elses debt. Call me cold or callous, but I've worked and struggled and done without to be able to own my house and sports car and noone is taking that away from me and my son's if I can help it. 3
freelo Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Hmm. Why is he living paycheck to paycheck when he lives at home? Shouldn't he be able to at least save a bit of money monthly because he's living at home and not on his own? I'm in my 20s too and I used to date a guy who was super broke, lived at home but made me emotionally happy. It works...until you find yourself picking up the bill every time you hang out and even giving him bus money to get home. If you're a financially smart woman who's is saving, working to upgrade her career and makes good purchasing decisions-I think you deserve the same in your longterm male partner. So unless he is showing signs that he's looking to be more financially responsible and independent and shows you he can be responsible with money-I do think this is a dealbreaker.
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 OP obviously you need to do more investigating before you do more emotional investing hah.
samantha_t85 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 No thanks. I couldn't be with someone who can't support himself without the help of parents. I am adult and I wish to date other adults. Not to mention there is virtually no excuse for being paycheck to paycheck if you're not paying rent. I used to date broke guys. Once I started dating my husband who treats me like a queen, I never looked back.
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 You 2 are young, maybe your boyfriend was never taught how to budget and he just needs suggestions and guidance. I suggest you come up with something you both would like to do, or get. Lets say a weekend away. Calculate the cost of that weekend, make it something not to far down the road like 3 months (shorter as you wish). Then open a bank account or get one of those little home safe. Make a deal that both of you will put example 30$ each paycheck in that account. That is $60 a week times 3 months = $720. You can have a super nice weekend away with that. What this will do is teach your boyfriend that saving = rewards. Right now when you tell him to put money aside for his future it's too vague, not enough concrete for him. To him there is no reward associated to putting money aside. Once he starts enjoying the results of saving short term he will be much more open to saving for long term projects. 1
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