Is having closure necessary after a break up

[Everlastinglite]

After being dumped, is it necessary to get closure why it is you were dumped? Is that a big part of moving on or at least for you to know WHY it didnt work? Or is it really not that necessary and you just have to move on anyway??

[Satu]

I think most people would want to know, but getting a list of your failings won't necessarily give you closure.

 

More often than not closure comes from inside when a point of acceptance is reached.

[Jonp219]

Nope it isn't

 

You know why? Because the dumper themselves don't even know how to properly give closure. You might get a softened story to show they care, or they might respond callously to show how disappointed they are. I was one of the lucky candidates to receive both from my previous ex. Just go NC, and work on yourself. The time apart might give them a chance to miss you, but don't hold on to that belief (although that isn't the point of NC). Eventually, you'll find the right closure, but it will come from within you.

[ZiggyZoo]

I think people want to know "Why?" because they have a mistaken belief that if they fix the reasons that their ex will take them back again. The thing is, this isn't going to happen. Closure only really comes when you realize that you don't care what their reasons were, or even that they're gone. Anything else is just words, really.

[jen1447]

IMO it's ideal to have it, if not absolutely necessary. (Lots of people move on without it, so it's not like it's a death sentence, but it certainly makes it easier.)

 

The reason I think is that it's human nature to always want the answer to "why?" When you never get that answer, you can't process properly. That's why even a harsh answer is better than no answer, because when you have the truth, no matter how unpleasant, you can use it to begin to heal. When you've got nothing to go on or an obvious lie, you're left with an eternally festering wound that may eventually scar over but it'll never really be right again.

 

(Not to mention the additional wound of not being respected enough to be thought capable of handling the truth, in the case of lies. When guys say "just treat me like a man," this is what they mean. Adults can handle a pop to the eye, but when you choose to lie to 'spare their feelings,' what you're really doing is denying them the dignity of their manhood and treating them like a child. That's a pretty harsh injury to knowingly cause, especially when 'sparing feelings' is really just a rationalization to take the easy way out.)

[erklat]

No. You think that it is, but its not and it won't aid your healing.

Also whatever they serve to you will be guilt relieving bull, so it's useless

either way.

 

Once you reach closure you'll realize that you were okay. It was them who

were fncked up enough to kill the relationship.

[Itspointless]

IMO it's ideal to have it, if not absolutely necessary. (Lots of people move on without it, so it's not like it's a death sentence, but it certainly makes it easier.)

 

The reason I think is that it's human nature to always want the answer to "why?" When you never get that answer, you can't process properly. That's why even a harsh answer is better than no answer, because when you have the truth, no matter how unpleasant, you can use it to begin to heal. When you've got nothing to go on or an obvious lie, you're left with an eternally festering wound that may eventually scar over but it'll never really be right again.

 

(Not to mention the additional wound of not being respected enough to be thought capable of handling the truth, in the case of lies.

I agree with this. I believe people owe it to be truthful to each-other. Being truthful takes guts. Unfortunately most of the time people are not truthful. Does the truth make the hurt feel better, no, but it will be better in the end, as some of the respect for your ex will remain as he or she tried at least to end it with some integrity. My ex did, although it did hurt me a lot. I respect her for trying to tell me that she was incapable of holding on to us under stress. What she told me riddled me, but I see that she tried.

[aMguilts]

After being dumped, is it necessary to get closure why it is you were dumped? Is that a big part of moving on or at least for you to know WHY it didnt work? Or is it really not that necessary and you just have to move on anyway??

 

you move on anyway

like most have said all you will hear will be a steaming pile of brown stuff.

 

but what if they DID tell you truth??

would it make it any easier to bear?

Course it wouldnt

Deep down we all really know what went wrong....dont we??

 

asking someone to validate why they dont want you anymore will just verify what they did was the right descision

why?

cos you come across as ajellyfish

understand

 

aM

[BC1980]

Knowing WHY won't give you closure. Closure is a word that gets thrown around a lot, and I'm not even sure what it means. To me, it means acceptance and putting the entire ordeal to rest. I guess that would be my closure.

[Paterlany]

No, one answer needs another question. Don`t bother. I dumped guys without closure an they did to.

[Twigyy]

Dumpers have no reason to answer the dumpee' s questions anymore. Even if you do get them to speak usually it's just a bunch of lies just to give you closure, and you'll still doubt them again. So don't bother. Acceptance is what you need.

[fireflywy]

Nope. There is usually no closure. Usually one person wants the other person back and the only way the "wanter" wants closure is through reconciliation and permanence. Closure denotes that there a is physical door and a solid ground upon which the door stands. However, because everything is constantly changing, there is NO solid ground because life changes and moves like an ocean.

 

You just have to ride the waves.

[embeu]

This is a question I have asked myself many times as well and i see that people on this forum have very different opinions about the matter.

 

In the past I think I would agree with the people saying acceptance is all the closure you need, f*ck their reasons for wanting to break up. To a point I still agree but after having been through a absolutely no closure break up I have some reservations.

 

The most important part of every healthy functioning relationship is communication. The same goes for breakups. I think most people that suffer because they feel they did not get closure is feeling this way because they feel they didnt get to talk things out properly at the end. And I think those of you saying "just accept it" never experienced the kind of pain you get when you dont get to talk things out with your ex during the breakup.

 

Real closure is something you have to get on your own. But knowing what your ex was thinking when ending things helps a long way. And feeling cared for during the end reduces the risk of bitterness and anger towards your ex. Feeling anger and bitterness will surely make the getting over it part last longer. Sure it hurts hearing about your flaws but the hurt goes away. The hurt of no closure can sting for a very long time.

 

So to Paterlany: I think you should reflect on what you are saying. Giving something back to the person you are about to hurt is a good thing to do. It shows you have a kind heart and that you care. What goes around comes around.

[AaronSG]

My 12 step Codependent Anonymous sponsor told me that closer is an illusion! He said we as humans instinctively want answers to everything! He told me that closer after a big breakup is a fools game. Because say we did have one last "face to face" with the person that broke our hearts, and say we were to begin asking the tough questions, he told me that it's a waste of time. Because we will get the answer to one question and perhaps the answer isn't to our liking and we will ask another question, that will lead to another answer and perhaps it will lead to another question because we can't believe the answer to the question, or it's not a "good enough" answer. And then he told me that at some point the old "would-a, should-a, could-a" games will start incorporated with the "what if" game! He is teaching me to not to be so concerned about seeking closer from my ex-fiancé, but rather seek out the closer within myself. I was also shown that sometimes when we choose to start a romantic relationship with a person, some of the relationships very beginnings are a mystery. We have the relationship with this person and at some point, either "we did bad" or "they did bad" or it was just a mutual bad, at some point these people exit our lives with the same levels of mystery to them as when they first came into our lives. He said with most, there's always going to be the mystery and no amount of closer is going to answer the mystery. He told me to keep staying "no contact", leave it alone, let the getting the answers to the reasons why she did what she did alone, just let it go, only deal with the parts I played and keep doing my best to move on and move forward.

 

I'll be honest, I respect my sponsor but what he told me is often easier said than done!