a little comfort for the brokenhearted

[diamondgirl]

hello everyone,

i have never made an account or posted here but i have been lurking on these forums for the past 6.5 months since my breakup. im 23 and started dating my ex boyfriend at age 15. he broke up with me in september after 7 years. to say i was completely shattered and devastated would be an understatement. he was my best friend and we were a part of each others family. i had no doubt in my mind that there would be a proposal within the next two years. we had great chemistry, always had fun together, good communication, etc. no major problems at all. i was completely blind sighted.

 

his reasoning was i guess textbook GIGS (even though i believe every relationship is different and i don't believe in labels). but he told me he would always wonder what else was out there if he didnt date other girls. he repeatedly told me he loved me, can see us having a future together, but didnt want me to wait around for him because he didnt know what the future holds for either of us and that we are so young and need to experience others before we settle down. he was adamant about this. i cried, pleaded, begging, tried to reason with him, but his mind was made up. he told me even though he knows he could propose next year and have a happy marriage with me, he knows for a fact he would resent me down the line for not taking the time to date others now and that if we were meant to be we would both realize how special it is what we had with each other and if not we would both move on.

 

well i didnt eat or sleep for what felt like months. i felt like someone cut off my right arm. i didnt even know myself without him. this was a person i didnt go one day without speaking to in the last 7 years and suddenly i had to cut him out? i tried nc but was awful at it. he was receptive whenever i would reach out and tried his best to be supportive and comfort me but his decision was made up. he said even if we do reconcile it wont be now. we had lc for the first 3.5 months and met up 3 times and would catch up maybe every 3 weeks or so - all ending with a kiss and long hug and many tears. then i heard via a mutual friend that he started dating someone exclusively. i had kind of been under the impression he just wanted some time to be "free" - to spend time with guy friends and and hookup randomly, but this through me for a loop. i called him and he spoke to me for hours reminding me this was the point of the break up and i knew he would be dating others.

 

anyway i kept nc for 2 months and broke it one night after having too much to drink. this was about a month ago. he told me they are still together - that he's trying not to be involved in anything too serious but they are exclusively dating and hooking up but no he doesnt love her. he did tell me he's happy though for right now because he knows this is what he set out to do and was determined to have other relationships. he's told me repeatedly that we can keep in contact and "owe each other" an open and honest dialogue since the breakup was so open ended. well that doesnt work for me.

 

so now for my healing. i didnt start to feel ok until around the 4 month mark. and by ok i mean functioning and there were hours that i didnt think about him which was a miracle. i felt good in the 2 months we didnt talk. then i felt horrible that he had someone else for about a week after i spoke to him a month ago but i bounced back pretty quickly. i still love and miss him very much and still think about him a large part of everyday but i feel like i have myself back.

 

whats helped me? my girlfriends!!! they are amazing. vent to your friends when you need to. let them distract you when you've been obsessing. i hang out with friends and family a lot, have been casually dating, reading a lot of books, started new tv shows, and thrown myself into my schoolwork. im a masters student and have been doing very well because of how much I've thrown myself into my work. i also got a new haircut and lightened the color, pamper myself when i need to, do lots of shopping, and go to therapy. when i need to stay home alone and cry, i do. when im having a good day, i get dressed up, go out and flirt, and spend time with friends. working out has also helped me a lot. and getting out of my apartment. even if its to take a walk or pick up a cup of coffee.

 

this boards have been extremely helpful to me so i wanted to give back. to those of you in the early days of heartbreak, IT GETS BETTER!!! i know i hated hearing that and day by day it seems like nothing changes but when i look back now to how i was 6 months ago i feel like a different person. i had dinner with a big group of girlfriends this past week and they all were saying i seem like myself again! i know i have a long road ahead still but im improving myself everyday. im even getting more excited about the prospect of dating.

 

in terms of reconciliation, i would be lying if i said i never wanted him back. the truth is i don't know. now that I've had time to process, i recognize things i wasnt happy about in the relationship and i think much of it was due to immaturity and a lack of relationship experience in general on both our parts. for a while i was obsessed with how to "get my ex back" and all those programs but i don't want to "get him back anymore". if somewhere down the road he comes to me and tells me he realizes after dating others, he was happiest with me then i will see where i am. but i definitely wont put my life on hold for that. i am young. there might be someone better out there for me. i will never ever break nc again. its truly the only way to heal. my ex is blocked on Facebook and instagram. i didnt block his number because he's been incredibly nice and mature throughout the breakup. he's been honest and doesnt send me breadcrumbs or try to lead me on. he's never not answered any question i had or refused to discuss anything so i will not block his number because we are respectful of each other. he hasn't contacted me first once since the breakup because he does not want to make it harder on me. so i know if he reaches out down the road it will be because he has something important to say. but i know i wont break nc because i will not be his friend or emotional support while he, in his words, "is exploring".

 

the way i see it is a win-win. if we both date others and realize we were happier together in the future then we will have a much stronger and more mature relationship. and if that isn't the case, i am moving on more and more everyday and preparing myself for my next relationship. im excited about the idea of love again.

 

i just wanted to give back to these forums because its been so helpful for me to read others stories and know im not alone. please feel free to ask me any questions or weigh in on my situation if you want! i just want all of you to know that focusing on YOU is the only thing to do and focusing on the NOW. will your ex come back in the future? maybe or maybe not. he/she does not want to be with you NOW so what can you do to make yourself happy in the present? only time will tell what the future holds!

[geronimo]

My story is a bit similar to yours. My ex was 15 when we started dating (i was 17) we're now 20/22. She broke up with me after 5 years of being together and even though she used the reason that we're breaking up due to our religion and her family not being ok with my religion, I know deep down inside its because of GIGS. This was confirmed by the fact that she started dating some guy within weeks of us breaking up. It also didn't help that we were eachother's first relationship/love/etc.

 

I felt like she always wondered what else was out there and her lack of experience kept her on the edge about our relationship. She would be clever and would project these feelings onto me, asking me if I ever wanted to be with someone else or I should go out there and experience the world. But I loved her a lot and I just believed that her and I were meant to be, because we got along so well together and loved spending every moment together. Its funny because she would actually get upset if I didn't have time to hang out due to work/school. But things change I guess.

 

It will be 5 months since the breakup in the next couple weeks, I'm still very hurt about it and think about her a lot, but I'm trying to keep the same mindset as you are. She is currently still in her relationship and I want to also see what else is out there. Not going to rush into anything but if I find someone I like I wont hold back. You're also right that if it's meant to be, we will find our way back to eachother and being indifferent towards them will put us in a better position to take them back.

 

I had once read somewhere a saying by a chinese proverb that people who are meant to be are tied to eachother by a red string. These people are destined for eachother and no matter how much the string stretches, bends or gets tangled, it will always bring them back together. I have felt this is the case with me and my ex, and maybe its the same with you. I don't want to dwell on it because it could just be me hoping she'll come back when she won't but we'll see what happens, I'm sure whatever it is will be for the best.

Edited April 12, 2015 by geronimo

[Miss Sisyphus]

Thank you for writing your story. You're a strong person. Breaking up seems to be especially hard when the dumper seems to still care about you, but doesn't want to be with you. It's confusing.

[diamondgirl]

hi everyone just wanted to post an update to my story.

 

i have now been in NC with my ex for about 2 months now (the longest since the breakup). i had heard through mutual friends he had a girlfriend which he downplayed to me completely while we were still in contact and i decided finally to say goodbye to him, and stick to NC.

 

anyway i am 8 months out of the end of my 7 year relationship with my first love. for the first three months i couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, barely could remember to breathe sometimes. but here i am 8 months later and i am happy! i do think about my ex still daily, but way less frequently and its less associated with pain. i am just reminded of him from time to time. i had dated a few guys early on in my breakup but wasnt ready. i decided to quit dating and stay single for a while and what do you know? i met the most amazing guy about a month ago. he treats me so well and makes me so happy. we are taking things slow! just want to give everyone the strength to keep going. healing isn't linear. i still have sad days. but i have grown so much and i have myself back and i could not be more thrilled to be writing this! there were times i thought i would never survive this and here i am excited about a new guy, finishing my masters degree, have a great job waiting, the most amazing family and friends, and life is good! hang in there, everyone!

[SLee]

Diamondgirl, this is really inspiring! Thank you so much!

 

I dated a guy (first boyfriend) since I was 18 and we lasted 3.5 years before a lot of things happened and he broke up with me to find himself and stuff. We met and had a connection when I was 17, so this guy has been a major apart of my life for almost a quarter of my life span at my age.

 

I'm only a few months out from that day, and I have really good hours and really bad hours. I'm graduating next spring and then heading off to grad school, so over the summer I'm focussed on some projects and then planning to pour myself into my schoolwork and hopefully getting involved in some other things that I've wanted to do but didn't have time for in the relationship.

 

My girlfriends have been my saving grace, as you said in your original post. Post break up, the outpouring of love and support I got from everyone was overwhelming, in a good way, and helped remind me how loved I am, even if he doesn't want to be with me. I'm trying to learn how to be happy single and realize I don't need HIM to be happy. The hardest part is the break up makes zero sense to me. That he wouldn't give it one real shot at the long haul. We were both really young and inexperienced relationship wise, and committed really hard, really fast.

 

I'm still hoping he'll come back eventually, but I have been coming around to what you said in your first post about if he comes back and we're both in a good place, great. If not, I'll be a better me and a more solid me. Either way, I win.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm better off without him, other times I miss him desperately. But I am in a much better, more functional, state than I was immediately post break up, so that's encouraging.

 

Thank you for your really encouraging post! I wanna print it out and have it around to look at when I'm down!