Is this guy playing games with me after an amazing first date?

[Gary S]

Oh no, you didn't.... you offered to check out tickets and he said he has no preference for seating? - He thinks you are buying the tickets!

 

Can somebody pass the popcorn please?!

[lizpat85]

Oh no, you didn't.... you offered to check out tickets and he said he has no preference for seating? - He thinks you are buying the tickets!

 

Can somebody pass the popcorn please?!

 

LOL alright I've learned my lesson ... But in my defense I only brought it up because I was seriously disturbed by how he wouldn't mention the tickets thing himself. I didn't even know there could be a breed of guys who are happily served by women (even the ones they just started seeing) without feeling any sort of shame on their own masculinity... I thought men are born to have this mentality to do more heavy lifting (don't mean to be sexist of course). I mean, even my guy friends would shoulder a lot or contribute equally when we go out.

 

He'd better contribute in some other ways now... In the meantime, I'm not holding my breath. I'm a typical people pleaser but his half-ass effort is too ridiculous to take if it keeps going.

[travelbug1996]

He's hoping that being passive will make you take the lead and chase him. This guy is not really all that interested in getting to know you.

[lizpat85]

He's hoping that being passive will make you take the lead and chase him. This guy is not really all that interested in getting to know you.

 

Well too bad I'm not really interested in chasing him. Men can be attractive to me by first impression by as soon as red flags come out, the attraction dwindles so very rapidly. Right now he seems passive AND cheap in some ways, which are not good qualities in anybody (men especially), in my opinion.

 

Once again, I didn't even know such men exist until now - I used to think guys at least have some manly ego to take care of that they want to appear charming and dominant, so wouldn't it be too counterproductive if they totally let the girls do everything? I guess I'm continuing to get to know all kinds of people in this world...

[katiegrl]

LOL alright I've learned my lesson ... But in my defense I only brought it up because I was seriously disturbed by how he wouldn't mention the tickets thing himself. I didn't even know there could be a breed of guys who are happily served by women (even the ones they just started seeing) without feeling any sort of shame on their own masculinity... I thought men are born to have this mentality to do more heavy lifting (don't mean to be sexist of course). I mean, even my guy friends would shoulder a lot or contribute equally when we go out.

 

He'd better contribute in some other ways now... In the meantime, I'm not holding my breath. I'm a typical people pleaser but his half-ass effort is too ridiculous to take if it keeps going.

 

That is definitely NOT a defense. So what if he didn't mention the tickets. It is certainly nothing to become disturbed about. Not understanding your rationale about that.

 

He asked you to go to the concert, you accepted, that is IT from you until the date... You let HIM worry about getting the the tickets.

 

But glad you learned a lesson for next time!

[Leigh 87]

Well too bad I'm not really interested in chasing him. Men can be attractive to me by first impression by as soon as red flags come out, the attraction dwindles so very rapidly. Right now he seems passive AND cheap in some ways, which are not good qualities in anybody (men especially), in my opinion.

 

Once again, I didn't even know such men exist until now - I used to think guys at least have some manly ego to take care of that they want to appear charming and dominant, so wouldn't it be too counterproductive if they totally let the girls do everything? I guess I'm continuing to get to know all kinds of people in this world...

 

He wouldn't likely be cheap and passive to a woman that knocked his socks off and who he was truly into.

 

You're a sexy and worthwhile woman who simply hasn't fount mutual interest ( I'm sure you have found plenty of male interest from men YOU'RE not into) and you DON'T need to tolerate men who don't think your gorgeous and a catch.

 

Never waste a second longer on men who aren't THRILLED about you again. Ever.

 

No such thing as a " passive " man. In almost all instances it's because they are just not that into you. And treat you like an option whilst they hold out for someone that blows their mind.

 

Where as you know damn well you have men out there who WILL think your just delightful and who will think this guy is an idiot for overlooking that.

[katiegrl]

Well too bad I'm not really interested in chasing him. Men can be attractive to me by first impression by as soon as red flags come out, the attraction dwindles so very rapidly. Right now he seems passive AND cheap in some ways, which are not good qualities in anybody (men especially), in my opinion.

 

Once again, I didn't even know such men exist until now - I used to think guys at least have some manly ego to take care of that they want to appear charming and dominant, so wouldn't it be too counterproductive if they totally let the girls do everything? I guess I'm continuing to get to know all kinds of people in this world...

 

There is whole category of men out there who prefer the woman chase them. And will set it up so she does just that!

 

They are a spin off from the MGTOW movement. (Men Going Their Own Way).

 

They are tired, frustrated and bitter from traditional "boy pursues girl" dating, and refuse to do it. They believe all women have a sense of entitlement... so they rebel by insisting the woman chase them.

 

They actually don't like women very much, so it is best to just stay away from them!

 

Do not be fooled...they are not passive by nature. They pretend to be so YOU will do all the heavy lifting and they will be more than happy to let you!

 

Google it! Interesting stuff!

[lizpat85]

He wouldn't likely be cheap and passive to a woman that knocked his socks off and who he was truly into.

 

You're a sexy and worthwhile woman who simply hasn't fount mutual interest ( I'm sure you have found plenty of male interest from men YOU'RE not into) and you DON'T need to tolerate men who don't think your gorgeous and a catch.

 

Never waste a second longer on men who aren't THRILLED about you again. Ever.

 

No such thing as a " passive " man. In almost all instances it's because they are just not that into you. And treat you like an option whilst they hold out for someone that blows their mind.

 

Where as you know damn well you have men out there who WILL think your just delightful and who will think this guy is an idiot for overlooking that.

 

Sure I get that. To me it's just bizarre that someone would actually keep hanging out with you when they aren't that interested in you in reality. Like I said earlier, this guy is pretty good-looking, smooth, smart, has a good job, etc., and he also seems to have an active social life - I don't doubt that he can easily get women to sleep with him on a regular basis. I don't even live in his city so it baffles me someone would go this length to string someone else along. It's not like he's not getting any attention, man. He could have just never followed up on the concert thing and vanished. I mean, sticking around is not doing any long term favor to him either - Wouldn't it be easier to just continue with his casual sex buddy conquests and keep looking for "the one" on the side.

 

I've gone on dates before where neither of us felt like following up with any sort of contact after the first date and it was like we both just vanished after an initial meeting - it was pretty cool and I liked how it saved us both time. Also there were cases where the guys didn't feel anything but felt like we could be great friends, so he made that clear early on and we developed a great friendship.

[jen1447]

casual sex buddy conquests

If I'm right about his angle (and maybe I'm not) that's exactly what he's trying to shape you up as. One in every town.

 

I think you may need to harden up around the edges here hon (and I mean that w/'all the love" as they say ) - there's a very good chance he had a conversation something like this with his buddy ....

 

Buddy: hey, did you go out with that Liz chick?

Him: yeah.

Buddy: and?

Him: She's alright.

Buddy: keeper?

Him: Don't know. I might f*ck her. She lives kind of far tho.

Buddy: any port in the storm, dur-hur-hur.

Him: yeah, I do need a girl on the east side tho. She wants to go to a concert or some sh*t.

Buddy: dude, you should totally go and then f*ck her. She's hawt!

Him: yeah, I guess. I'm not buying tickets tho.

 

And so on. Or he might be the most genuine guy ever who just has no go.

[lizpat85]

If I'm right about his angle (and maybe I'm not) that's exactly what he's trying to shape you up as. One in every town.

 

I think you may need to harden up around the edges here hon (and I mean that w/'all the love" as they say ) - there's a very good chance he had a conversation something like this with his buddy ....

 

Buddy: hey, did you go out with that Liz chick?

Him: yeah.

Buddy: and?

Him: She's alright.

Buddy: keeper?

Him: Don't know. I might f*ck her. She lives kind of far tho.

Buddy: any port in the storm, dur-hur-hur.

Him: yeah, I do need a girl on the east side tho. She wants to go to a concert or some sh*t.

Buddy: dude, you should totally go and then f*ck her. She's hawt!

Him: yeah, I guess. I'm not buying tickets tho.

 

And so on. Or he might be the most genuine guy ever who just has no go.

 

Haha love it. This is hilarious. Very possible, I agree.

 

Some people have also told me about him possibly being a beta guy and I'm an alpha girl. So he's good-looking and very much used to women showering him with attention, also probably a mama's boy growing up. He doesn't lift a finger when it comes to dating because he's never had to and it's worked for him well. And if he's insecure, it'll be even more unlikely that he'd reach out and risk rejection; he doesn't want to appear too eager until he knows you're absolutely interested in him.

 

Meh, I don't know.

[BluEyeL]

I encountered several variations of this guy. The great date, extending it...then barely checking in...usually those wanted sex and without effort. Especially since you made the first move online, he might have been...meh why not...if it's easy

I had the passive one, who made it clear I was to ask him out. That one didn't even want sex, but he was definitely not interested. Maybe wanted the ego stroke.

 

Anyway, this ine seems to be a variety of some uninterested man, stringing you along... it doesn't matter WHY he acted interested on the date, he's lukewarm at best. Some act that way for various reasons. Learn not to care why and move on. If he likes you, he's gonna be there, if not, he'd waste your time anyway.

[jen1447]

If you're alpha you should be fine. Just don't take any sh*t off anybody and always keep your sh*t detector up.

 

I think the bottom line is you already know something's wrong with this. Maybe it's something way more benign than my dramatic example, but it's still something. I'd still go out with him just for the challenge of figuring the guy out. If he's my version, then you can have a nice time turning the tables on him and shutting him down when the time comes, if he's legit then you can run with that too, and if he's somewhere in between you can at least get him in the interrogation room to find out what it is.

 

I wouldn't run down the tickets tho. If he asks "so are we going?" on Friday, just say "um ....did you get tickets? We'll probably need those." Then if he acts butt hurt just give him a friendly chuckle and say thanks for your time, gotta go.

[katiegrl]

If you're alpha you should be fine. Just don't take any sh*t off anybody and always keep your sh*t detector up.

 

I think the bottom line is you already know something's wrong with this. Maybe it's something way more benign than my dramatic example, but it's still something. I'd still go out with him just for the challenge of figuring the guy out. If he's my version, then you can have a nice time turning the tables on him and shutting him down when the time comes, if he's legit then you can run with that too, and if he's somewhere in between you can at least get him in the interrogation room to find out what it is.

 

I wouldn't run down the tickets tho. If he asks "so are we going?" on Friday, just say "um ....did you get tickets? We'll probably need those." Then if he acts butt hurt just give him a friendly chuckle and say thanks for your time, gotta go.

 

I like your style jen......... and I thought *I* was a ball buster....

[jen1447]

Oh you're plenty ball buster too. You take the left one, I'll take the right.

[Gary S]

Seriously though, If I were the guy and you said you would look for tickets online, I would have said, "Great! If you get them, I'll reimburse you".

 

I think you should cut contact with this guy, he's bad news.

 

And by the way, Pleasers are the best. You just need to find a nice man who won't take you for granted

[lizpat85]

Seriously though, If I were the guy and you said you would look for tickets online, I would have said, "Great! If you get them, I'll reimburse you".

 

I think you should cut contact with this guy, he's bad news.

 

And by the way, Pleasers are the best. You just need to find a nice man who won't take you for granted

 

Thank you, yes that was the response I was hoping to get when I mentioned tickets myself. Or "No need. I'll take care of it." Seriously, I don't have a mentality to wait for guys to serve but in my opinion he should always offer and then I can choose to contribute in some form too if it's appropriate. If he'd gotten the tickets here, I'd very likely just get food or pick up the tab on something else when we're there, and it'll make me feel much better.

 

The concert will be here soon and at this point I think I'll stick it out and see what happens. I think there are a lot of interesting signs to look out for - for example I'd assume if he's not serious about me, he'd have problem with public display of affection, or maybe even afraid to be seen with me. If he's like the last time we were together, he'd be smooth and friendly but some things are bound to show. Anyway, getting out of this whole situation is definitely in my mind now.

[lizpat85]

By the way, this may be unrelated, but can I add some observations I had from my first date with this guy? I may be totally overthinking but I don't think us women pick up on some details for nothing...

 

I couldn't justify this point since he was charming and smooth in person, but he struck me as somewhat insecure. At one point he mentioned the types of men in my hometown and the area where I live now and how they're totally "wusses" and so "unattractive," accompanied by a huge frown. That was a bit surprising to me as I was thinking, "Geez, is it necessary to react this strongly toward some other guys?"

 

Then when we were just chatting about our careers, he suddenly brought up how the salaries look like in his line of work. He didn't mention exact figures but gave me a breakdown of the types of positions they have and how much they usually make, and in the end said that his position is about in the middle and he makes okay money. This was the first time I saw people mentioning this kind of thing on dates ... I thought the first few dates are about getting to know each other and figuring out feelings and such, not about how much money you make unless he thought I was sizing up for husband material...

 

At the end of the date we made out in the parking lot during broad daylight. There weren't many people driving by but I'm sure some saw us. He went for my neck a lot of times but also said "I'd hate to leave marks on you..." yet kept going for it... Also during the date, when I mentioned how we could finally stop with all the long messages online, he was like, "yeah now you have my number" which makes me think, "so you're expecting ME to initiate contact with you huh?"

[Imajerk17]

Here's the thing though: this guy doesn't necessarily "dislike women" so much as he only is doing is clearly working for him. And from reading this thread it is indeed working! Anyway Liz, it's not what you PREFER it is instead what you RESPOND TO.

 

An aside: I am getting a sense of Feminine Entitlement in this thread. Yes I agree that the man should take the lead and I like doing so myself. However, where I disagree with the women on here is that I feel that dating should not be about any one gender "doing all the work", even early on. Especially in a case like this, where the two of you still HARDLY KNOW each other. There's a big gap between what this guy is doing, versus the guy doing all the heavy lifting in dating. And I think the ideal is somewhere in the middle. Ideally he makes plans and gets the tickets and you (at least offer to) pay for dinner.

 

ETA: Liz, I saw that you already implicitly offered to take care of the tickets. That you are doing so much so early and getting invested instead of holding out for a more proactive guy--that's on YOU, not anyone else. Hopefully this guy steps up and takes you to dinner.

Edited April 14, 2015 by Imajerk17

[lizpat85]

Here's the thing though: this guy doesn't necessarily "dislike women" so much as he only is doing is clearly working for him. And from reading this thread it is indeed working! Anyway Liz, it's not what you PREFER it is instead what you RESPOND TO.

 

An aside: I am getting a sense of Feminine Entitlement in this thread. Yes I agree that the man should take the lead and I like doing so myself. However, where I disagree with the women on here is that I feel that dating should not be about any one gender "doing all the work", even early on. Especially in a case like this, where the two of you still HARDLY KNOW each other. There's a big gap between what this guy is doing, versus the guy doing all the heavy lifting in dating. And I think the ideal is somewhere in the middle. Ideally he makes plans and gets the tickets and you (at least offer to) pay for dinner.

 

ETA: Liz, I saw that you already implicitly offered to take care of the tickets. That you are doing so much so early and getting invested instead of holding out for a more proactive guy--that's on YOU, not anyone else. Hopefully this guy steps up and takes you to dinner.

 

Interesting perspective. I do love hearing guys' insights on these issues - helps put us in the other person's shoes. Well I'm not blaming anyone else for me offering to check out the tickets here, at this point what was bothering me is that he seemed very willing to accept that "offer." The thing is, I wouldn't mind this if I know the other person is truly interested (or going to stay in my life as friends even, which has happened before and I cherish the friendships) - he can "return the favor" if we go out to some other events later and it wouldn't appear to be a "one person investing so much and foolishly feeling something that's not reciprocated" situation. And yes, I'm hoping, too, that he'd suggest we get dinner before the concert.

 

The bottom line of all the women's perspectives on here is that if a guy is truly interested, he'd step up no matter what; if he's being passive, he's just not that into you. So it might be safe to wait out and see his actions rather than words.

 

I also get this feeling that this guy is hoping to keep everything short and cheap before things are clear or serious, so that he wouldn't be wasting money on the wrong girl. And a concert is a big investment no matter who pays for it so he's gladly passing this onto the other person... If that's the case, I think it's a smart move, although it runs the risk of giving out a cheap and calculating impression.

[lizpat85]

Well the concert date actually went well and he asked about how much the tickets were and offered to pay his half. He also paid for dinner. I also felt like I got to know him better in terms of his style of communication and personality. It's interesting to see that although he talks to people well, he can still be somewhat awkward with his posture and whole vibe with me. And he said he used to be shy but these past few years with this consulting job have trained him to be somewhat more outgoing. After the concert ended he walked me back to my car and we fooled around again - I was actually surprised that he didn't escalate the night to invite me over to his place since he lives a few blocks away. But it seemed like a weekday outing was tough on him since he has to be on call/email with work at all times and his boss kept sending him things to do for the next day so I could tell that toward the end of the night he was getting tired.

 

I guess I felt slightly comfortable about it all after this date. He's going to be out of town this weekend and then visit his folks next weekend, and then after that he'll be out of the country on vacation for ten days, so he was like, "Don't know when I can see you again soon unless we plan another weekday meeting...." "Definitely keep in touch...send me a text or write me an email every now and then..." He also talked about how I was really fun to be with, etc. I guess that's a good sign. He struck me as someone who's fine taking this slowly and just see what happens...