Author lizpat85 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 If she hasn't been given a "green light" from the man or doesn't know him well enough yet to know if he appreciates a call from a woman, then she should wait a while before initiating. He gave her that option -- "I have his number now." And, if I missed something about the second date, then I can understand it a little. But in her original post, she said the second date was scheduled to attend a concert the following week. In which case, she shouldn't be worrying at all yet. True. That's why I was wondering if he dropped a lot of hints that I failed to pick up on. He actually asked a couple of times during the first date if "I was still on to come up for the concert" or "So I'll see you next week at the concert?" things like that... What surprised me was how he mentioned "yeah you have my phone number now" instead of "I'll call you later." Guess I'm old fashioned. We've been talking about the concert for a long time now but we still have to get tickets and all that so yeah there's still some that needs to be planned...
Redhead14 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 RH, read her post number 3 re that *second" date... Ok, that changes it a little. I'd wait it out. Let him call you and firm up those plans regardless of the fact he gave you a "green light" about calling. She could send a light, flirty text "hey, how goes it kind of thing" if she wants just to acknowledge his "green light", but let him finish the plans if he's going to. 1
katiegrl Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 True. That's why I was wondering if he dropped a lot of hints that I failed to pick up on. He actually asked a couple of times during the first date if "I was still on to come up for the concert" or "So I'll see you next week at the concert?" things like that... What surprised me was how he mentioned "yeah you have my phone number now" instead of "I'll call you later." Guess I'm old fashioned. We've been talking about the concert for a long time now but we still have to get tickets and all that so yeah there's still some that needs to be planned... He is hinting that he wants YOU to pursue HIM. I mean, HE has your number too, does he not? Again, after only one date, with no second date planned, and him acting less than enthusiastically, I wouldn't call, but it's your call since you are the one who wants to date him.
Redhead14 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Ok, that changes it a little. I'd wait it out. Let him call you and firm up those plans regardless of the fact he gave you a "green light" about calling. She could send a light, flirty text "hey, how goes it kind of thing" if she wants just to acknowledge his "green light", but let him finish the plans if he's going to. He has mentioned the concert a few times, so it would be ok to send a text to ask how the plans are going so that she can work her schedule around it. it's not unreasonable to have a heads up so she can prepare.
Redhead14 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 And, if a next date is mentioned by the end of a date without specifics, she should tell him that she will need confirmation by X day in order for her to plan. If he doesn't confirm by the day, just leave it alone.
katiegrl Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 He has mentioned the concert a few times, so it would be ok to send a text to ask how the plans are going so that she can work her schedule around it. it's not unreasonable to have a heads up so she can prepare. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on that... Forget about having a heads up to *prepare*. UNTIL that date is set in stone with a date and time set, I would presume we have NO second date to prepare for! They have had one date. The OP thought it was amazing. He may have too, but who knows, after thinking about it, perhaps he changed his mind about her... it happens...and is quite common actually. I just wouldn't go presuming anything based on things mentioned during a first date. That's how women get in trouble with their expectations and emotions....by *presuming* things. Pay attention to his *actions* AFTER the date. What do "they" tell you? 2
Gary S Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Listen to katie. Here are the rules for ladies: 1) It's not a real date if you don't have a time and day set (place could be a surprise). 2) Don't call men in the beginning. Why stick your neck out and risk rejection if you don't have too? Most men will call if they like you. Heck, if I had legs like some of you ladies, I would not have to call either 2
Author lizpat85 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 Sigh... In that case this might be another one that bit the dust... Why is it so darn hard to be in a situation where there's mutual interest?! I've been through so many one-sided case scenarios ... either I didn't feel anything or they didn't feel anything back. What's interesting is that in the past I could kinda tell when the not interested guys were simply being polite and friendly to soften the blow because let's face it, some guys' emotions show and it's very obvious they are not that engaged even during the date. This time, though, I really thought something was different. 1
katiegrl Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) How did you meet him? On line? If so, then no doubt he is meeting others, and while he may have had a great time on your first date, since then he may have met someone else he liked more, gotten back with an ex, who knows? I know you are disappointed... but frankly after only one date, this shouldn't be that big of a deal IMO. Not that it is to you, but just the fact you are posting about it here indicates you are emotionally invested on some level. It was one date. Your attitude should be, if he calls, great, if not oh well. I wouldn't even be giving this a second thought no matter how amazing it was.. On a positive note, he still may call! If he does, see how you feel *then*. In the meantime, continue living your life same as you would be had this *amazing* date never happened. Lower the expectations, be happy and positive, go out with friends and continue meeting other men... and you'll be okay. Again, if he calls great, and depending on when that is, if ever, see how you feel then. Don't give him attitude for waiting. Not that you would, but many women do and it's a huge mistake. Good luck! Edited April 11, 2015 by katiegrl
preraph Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I really don't see the problem. So far it's been all good news. Not everyone is a texting addict. I mean, you barely know each other, so what is there really to text about except just BS. Busy people don't have time to text people all day every day. The people I know wait until they can find time to answer texts and emails and then do it only once every few days because they're super busy. Of course, the ones with kids look at their texts, but everyone else is on the back burner until they have leisure time. You cannot judge a person by their texting frequency as far as interest. It has little to do with it and more to do about how much time they have on their hands, which once you are older and have responsibilities, you will understand that having too much time on their hands and having nothing better to do than text BS all day is a bad thing, not a good thing. 1
katiegrl Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I really don't see the problem. So far it's been all good news. Not everyone is a texting addict. I mean, you barely know each other, so what is there really to text about except just BS. Busy people don't have time to text people all day every day. The people I know wait until they can find time to answer texts and emails and then do it only once every few days because they're super busy. Of course, the ones with kids look at their texts, but everyone else is on the back burner until they have leisure time. You cannot judge a person by their texting frequency as far as interest. It has little to do with it and more to do about how much time they have on their hands, which once you are older and have responsibilities, you will understand that having too much time on their hands and having nothing better to do than text BS all day is a bad thing, not a good thing. Interested people act interested, which for a man would be setting up that second date.... Which he still might, so as I said OP, just go on with your life and if he does, fabulous! If not, no biggee. You had one date. 2
Author lizpat85 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Surprisingly, this guy did get in touch earlier on Sunday and asked if I was still interested in going to the concert this coming week. I guess that's good news. We texted just a little bit since I was on my way out but we connected again later. His responses were all a bit delayed and brief and I had a feeling he was out and about or hanging out with people. We settled the time to meet but he didn't offer to get tickets. Of course I wouldn't mind getting the tickets but I didn't know if that's the norm or how to best handle it so I just said I'll check out the tickets later for us and he said he has no preference on where to sit and all... What the hell?
SunnySide0418 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Surprisingly, this guy did get in touch earlier on Sunday and asked if I was still interested in going to the concert this coming week. I guess that's good news. We texted just a little bit since I was on my way out but we connected again later. His responses were all a bit delayed and brief and I had a feeling he was out and about or hanging out with people. We settled the time to meet but he didn't offer to get tickets. Of course I wouldn't mind getting the tickets but I didn't know if that's the norm or how to best handle it so I just said I'll check out the tickets later for us and he said he has no preference on where to sit and all... What the hell? Why did you offer to get the tickets? I wouldn't have... 1
katiegrl Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Surprisingly, this guy did get in touch earlier on Sunday and asked if I was still interested in going to the concert this coming week. I guess that's good news. We texted just a little bit since I was on my way out but we connected again later. His responses were all a bit delayed and brief and I had a feeling he was out and about or hanging out with people. We settled the time to meet but he didn't offer to get tickets. Of course I wouldn't mind getting the tickets but I didn't know if that's the norm or how to best handle it so I just said I'll check out the tickets later for us and he said he has no preference on where to sit and all... What the hell? He asked you to the concert, but expected YOU to get the tickets? No that is NOT the norm, the guy is a dweeb! Why did you say you would check out the tickets? Why why why???? You should NOT have said anything about the tickets. He asked you, it's HIS job to get the tickets. That's just a given....dating 101. I need a break from this board...ugh. 2
Author lizpat85 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Well take it easy ... I didn't really offer to buy exactly; I just said I'd check it out and ended it there without saying anything further. I know how that sounds but I don't really think it matters that much ... I was already quite unimpressed that he'd carry on the conversation without mentioning the ticket issue first himself. Plus, after meeting so many guys, one thing I've learned is that if they're into you, they're into you; if they're not, they're not ... Things like withholding sex, being more giving or affectionate and nothing would actually change that.
katiegrl Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 There was no reason for him to mention getting the tickets. He asked you, it's just a given that he would be the one to "check them out" and purchase them. Wondering why you felt he should mention that to you. Again, it's just a given.
Author lizpat85 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 There was no reason for him to mention getting the tickets. He asked you, it's just a given that he would be the one to "check them out" and purchase them. Wondering why you felt he should mention that to you. Again, it's just a given. Well true but I guess I was getting uncomfortable about how someone would actually make plan but remain vague on logistics, so it was some sort of an "ice breaking" thing to mention toward the next step. I was also hoping that he'd actually step up about the ticket thing once I mentioned it but no he didn't at all. I'm sure he'll be in touch again but honestly the passiveness of this guy is still somewhat a red flag to me. In my opinion, if someone asks someone else out, or wants to make some plan with them, they'd not only mention it but let the other person know that some things are going to be taken care of, so that everyone involved knows what to expect, etc. At least that's my experience with some "quality" guys in the past that made making plans with them such a cinch - I literally had to "fight" to pick up some tabs here and there. 1
katiegrl Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Yeah I agree, a quality guy would have responded, "no, I will take care of the tickets " when you mentioned that you would check them out. That is why I called him a dweeb. What a turn off. If it were me, I would just break the date...and move on from this one. The whole thing sounds like one big headache. Not worth the aggravation. Just me. 3
jen1447 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I still feel the same reservations as before. Not worried about who gets tickets in particular, but the fact that he popped up now and isn't concerned about the logistics at all makes me wonder about him still boxing you into his stable. I could be totally off, but unfortunately there is a breed of guys out there who'll use this sort of passive-aggressive approach to get inside your head. Then if you can be made to adopt the "I'll take care of it" attitude full-time, believing or hoping they'll come around and contribute equally, you end up being the doer while they come and go as they please and enjoy all the perks. Meanwhile you get more and more riled up about it, but he's good-looking and maybe good in bed, so you're kinda hooked, and on and on it goes and the cycle just repeats itself. Maybe it's none of that and he's just extremely passive, but I'd want to find out before I got too into it. Really, there should be no need for games in all this. Trust your instincts. They're already telling you something's off. 1
katiegrl Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I still feel the same reservations as before. Not worried about who gets tickets in particular, but the fact that he popped up now and isn't concerned about the logistics at all makes me wonder about him still boxing you into his stable. I could be totally off, but unfortunately there is a breed of guys out there who'll use this sort of passive-aggressive approach to get inside your head. Then if you can be made to adopt the "I'll take care of it" attitude full-time, believing or hoping they'll come around and contribute equally, you end up being the doer while they come and go as they please and enjoy all the perks. Meanwhile you get more and more riled up about it, but he's good-looking and maybe good in bed, so you're kinda hooked, and on and on it goes and the cycle just repeats itself. Maybe it's none of that and he's just extremely passive, but I'd want to find out before I got too into it. Really, there should be no need for games in all this. Trust your instincts. They're already telling you something's off. Well said! And completely agree....
travelbug1996 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Stay away from passive men. They are the NEW women and you will be extremely frustrated waiting for them to take the lead like a man. However, a man that was genuinely interested would take the lead automatically. Block his number, because trust me, he is a time waster. 1
Author lizpat85 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Stay away from passive men. They are the NEW women and you will be extremely frustrated waiting for them to take the lead like a man. However, a man that was genuinely interested would take the lead automatically. Block his number, because trust me, he is a time waster. I do agree that I'm more comfortable with the guy taking the lead in the initial stage of dating, and I'd be happy to chime in and contribute as much as I can once I know the mutual interest is there and that there's potential for something serious. All the guys I've seen so far pretty much did their research and let me know the place and time to meet. They didn't know all the places through experience; sometimes they just went online and searched. This guy, however, was pretty passive right from the beginning. We met online and talked for several weeks and I was getting tired of the "endless" message exchange back and forth so I said why don't we meet and chat in person ... might save us both sometime... He agreed and said he's coming to my area (there's some 20 miles between us) that coming weekend to visit a friend if I'd like to meet for lunch at one point. No suggestion for meeting place here. I said sure but I live in a small town so there's not much to do there so I suggested meeting in a nearby bigger town. He was on board with the idea and gave me a time frame that he's available. Still didn't mention any specific place to meet. Then I suddenly thought of a pretty cool local gem that I'd previously forgotten so I said why don't we meet there. He was very quick to answer yes and said he'd see me there at noon. The date went quite well, as I mentioned in my first post here. Then you all know the rest. Now it's this again ... not much initiative to plan the darn concert firmly. I give him credit for reaching out and checking again but I still don't quite understand him. I don't know if this is just the way he is when it comes to dating or "courting" or if he's totally lazy or something. He's a business consultant that talks to people all the time and you can see that he's outgoing and smooth.
travelbug1996 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) See you were the one that suggested the meet up. That is not your role. If it were me I wold have stopped answering his texts since he wasn't asking me out. Stop being the man. Its masculine energy you're giving off. You're overthinking this when its really simple. You like him more than he likes you. Be with a man that likes you as much or more. Stop responding to his texts until he says "lets meet". Edited April 13, 2015 by travelbug1996 1
Author lizpat85 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 See you were the one that suggested the meet up. That is not your role. If it were me I wold have stopped answering his texts since he wasn't asking me out. Stop being the man. Its masculine energy you're giving off. You're overthinking this when its really simple. You like him more than he likes you. Be with a man that likes you as much or more. Stop responding to his texts until he says "lets meet". That's what I'm planning to do with this whole concert thing now. Geez if he can't step up and do some work I'm certainly done with lifting fingers... I was the one who suggested the meetup because I was freakin' tired of all those long messages back and forth. It amazed me how someone can keep talking online without the intention to carry the conversation offline in a reasonable amount of time... Clearly he couldn't tell my frustration and sarcasm when I suggested meeting. Now he continues to amaze me by not even mentioning getting tickets and waiting for me to take charge of the plan here. I mean, come on, even the guys I dated in the past who were not really interested in me did a lot of heavy lifting at the beginning...
katiegrl Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 In your original post you wrote: >>"I have to say he is very outgoing and smooth, and seems to know what he is doing." ^^That's right, he knows *exactly* what he is doing!! He is behaving this way, precisely *because* he wants YOU to chase him. There are articles written about men that do this, google it. These men are NOT passive men. They are mostly players, and the fact he is outgoing and *smooth* (your words) would certainly indicate that. Please drop this guy, he is playing you like a fiddle....
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