sparkle222 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I am having a very hard time coping with run-ins with an ex (I've posted the story here several times; basically it's dealing with constantly running into someone I used to date; we split up for a year of long-distance, which was my mistake, but then he started seeing someone else and now only wants to be 'friends' (which, from what I can tell, means having the label of friendship and being willing for me to hang out with him if I want but completely ignoring me otherwise)). The whole thing has become a farce; I don't even know if he's still in a r/s, I don't know if he ever wants to get back together, every time I see him i find myself having a really nasty comedown the next few days; I know the solution is simply to avoid him but tbh I quite enjoy his company (and he's also the person I know best at my college) and he's often willing to give hugs/etc and listen to me; he's also quite a good influence whereas most of my other friends and my housemates in particular are very stressful/unpleasant to deal with by comparison; this makes it unpleasant because I hang out with them and then find myself miserable and missing him (which in turn makes them angry because they feel put out that I'm not appreciating them enough). Point is--how do I deal? I know I messed it up and I'm too scared to ask him if he'd ever consider getting back together again (I did once and he led me on for three months and then told me he was going to ask out this new girl again; and if he wanted to reconcile he could is sort of my attitude at this point). We're doing exams right now anyway so now isn't the time for serious chats. Basically, I want to know how I should cope with his existence during exams while keeping upsetting thoughts about him out of my head and if I should say anything to him after (as in sort of try to be friends again and then after exams, when I never have to see him again and so have nothing to lose, maybe just ask if he'd ever consider getting back together--dunno how I could do this tactfully). (My ideal thought has always been to just go out with one of his friends but that hasn't happened..none of them are unattached/seemingly interested!)
fireflywy Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 (edited) Well, if you and he came back once and that didn't work and then he went riding over another hill, it probably won't work again. Also, take satisfaction that you won't be at the same place forever if you're in college and know that you have much ahead of you. Ultimately though you have to either let him go, limit contact, or no contact, or meet someone else and forgive yourself of the feeling of having "messed up". Only you can decide. As for avoiding him, if I may inject some humor, look into buying these. I would love to do this if I ever saw my ex. Lol Edited April 10, 2015 by fireflywy
ZiggyZoo Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 So your ideal is to be with one of his friends, but yet you're still chasing after this guy who led you on for months before finally telling you he was going to ask another girl out? First of all, if you're hoping to get with one of his friends to get closer to him or over him somehow, that's a terrible idea. I think it's a terrible idea to get involved with ANYone while still so hung up on this guy, frankly, much less one of his friends. Second, he's not interested in you. If he was, he would have let you know by now. You've been firmly placed in the friendzone. So you have two choices. You can continue on being his friend and hoping that he'll somehow look over and realize that you're what he's wanted this whole time (which isn't going to happen), or you can explain to him that you have feelings for him that he's not returning and you can't hang out as just friends until those feelings go away. And then go NC for however long it takes. I believe this is your only option. It sucks, but the alternative is to waster your time and keep breaking your own heart, watching him date other women. You deserve better, and owe it to yourself to not keep going through that.
Author sparkle222 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 i was joking about the going out with a friend thing :s yeah i get that i'm friendzoned (just having a hard time accepting it). it's just been really irritating because several months ago he told me he likes both of us (but needed a girlfriend for support during uni and went with her because our rs was too much of a mess at that point etc--she's long distance btw) and that it's been 'really hard' to cope with seeing me etc over the past several months ( he's been both rude and really overly friendly etc). i get i'm in the friend zone but i see him everywhere so nc isn't really an option. whenever i suggest that we properly avoid each other (like make lists of places to avoid) he says that's not what he wants (he wants a middle ground or sth) and not really possible because blahblah he needs to be able to go to that place and why don't I just stay in my room (and he gets smug about how seeing him must be giving me bad effects or sth). so basically he wants me to keep contacting him on a regular, unemotional basis (probably for his social contact/ego) but to put up with his crappy treatment of me, and i have too much pride (and am a bit lonely) to really know what to do. the online slander of him is helping
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Ah... a hubris one.... Let someone else be his pride crutch and ditch him. you deserve and will find better.
Ruby65 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 He enjoys having you around as a Plan B. Lots of people are like this -- they enjoy keeping exes around because it's flattering. You're an ego stroke for him, nothing more. It's for YOU to decide how little you'll settle for. I don't know why you continue to speak with him.
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