life-is-short Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I feel very sad right now. A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend asked for space, not because of me, but because she wanted to process some things from her past that she didn't think she could with me around. So in an effort to support her, I moved out of her place and moved home (6 hours away). She said I was the best boyfriend she has ever had, but that she needed space right now. We didn't clarify our mutual expectations of what the time apart will mean, other than that she said she didn't want to break up. I am far from perfect, but looking back, I know I gave this relationship my all and I was a very supportive partner for her. Over the past couple of weeks we have talked very little and I checked in with her to see when we might be able to see each other again as I told her I would really like to see her sometime and that I thought the distance was harming things. Last night we got in an argument and she broke up with me when she was angry. I love her and I'm sad to think of her not being in my life. I wrote her an email today letting her know that if she really does want to be finished, I respect her decision and wish her the best and that I appreciate the time we had together and that I'll move on and won't be in contact. I went through a very difficult breakup last summer (June 2014) and Loveshack was very helpful for me. I feel very sad right now, but much stronger inside than I did last year, in part from many of the lessons I learned here that I have integrated into my life. I am feeling very empathetic for any of you suffering and in pain from the end of loving relationship. I know things will eventually get better, but the first month or two are the hardest.
Seeker12 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I dont think this is a lost case mate, i think give it time and give her space, honestly it should work in your favour BUT is her need for space the fact that she didnt get over an ex, so does that put you in the rebound category if you get what i mean?
Author life-is-short Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Yes, I'm wondering the same thing. She said she doesn't miss her ex and doesn't want him back. They dated for a few years and there was little time between her breakup with him and starting the relationship with me. I should have been more careful knowing the limited time between relationships and knowing from personal experience how important it is to integrate the end of a relationship into one's life before proceeding with the next one. It feels like all is lost now. I'll be NC going forward. I don't hate her. I don't think there is someone else (could be, but doesn't seem likely). She just seems overwhelmed with life and much of her situation with family is very challenging. I was stable and healthy in her life and maybe that is scary on some subconscious level. Or maybe she lost the spark with me. I know I'm a great guy and I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I have a lot of love to give and if she doesn't want me in her life, I wish her well and there are other women out there with whom I can share love and be a great partner.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I dont think this is a lost case mate, i think give it time and give her space, honestly it should work in your favour BUT is her need for space the fact that she didnt get over an ex, so does that put you in the rebound category if you get what i mean? What is the back story on your RS? Based on the above quote, I can say I'm going through the same thing, though I don't think either of us realized it was a "rebound". A bit about me: my relationship just ended with my partner of 6mos as he realized he needed to work on the emotional baggage that he brought with him from his last long-term toxic relationship which he left 5 months before we met. Our RS was very healthy and loving, though I can see he projected a lot of her issues onto me. It's been a month since we've broken up, and I've realized that he wasn't really able to give me what I need and deserve due to being so bogged down by his emotional baggage. It actually seemed like he had depression and PTSD, and it took me a couple of weeks after the BU to realize it all stemmed from his last RS. I don't know what your ex's last RS was like, but sometimes the more toxic RS can be the most difficult to detach from and require a lot of healing, as it may have broken them down as a person. I think if you give her the space she wants and she sorts herself out, she may realize how great you were and come back to you. And maybe in that time you will have either healed and are ready to take her back and start fresh, or you will have moved on and are ready for an absolutely fresh start with someone who has their **** together and can meet you halfway. I think the scary part about realizing you were in a way a "rebound" is that it leaves you wondering if they were ever engaged enough with you to really miss you that much later.
Methodical Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I my experience when a person says they need space to figure things out, find themselves, process whatever, etc., they are creating distance in hopes of sparing your feelings or so that the breakup won't hurt as bad. It's a way to remove themselves from being a villain. They are testing the water to see if they are happier alone. Most people don't push their support system away when they are going thru something. Very rarely does a request for space not end the relationship.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I my experience when a person says they need space to figure things out, find themselves, process whatever, etc., they are creating distance in hopes of sparing your feelings or so that the breakup won't hurt as bad. It's a way to remove themselves from being a villain. They are testing the water to see if they are happier alone. Most people don't push their support system away when they are going thru something. Very rarely does a request for space not end the relationship. Not everyone is the same, and not all situations in which space or time are requested are the same. Not that you are making grand generalizations. You have to look at whether they are distancing themselves from other people in their lives too. Some people don't want to bring others down with them. Or if they haven't gotten over an ex or healed from that relationship, those feelings are going to confuse their feelings for you. It all catches up with them and some space will bring clarity.
Author life-is-short Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 I'm sad. Tonight she broke up with me. I wished her well. She said she loved me and wanted me in her life, but that she was just too overwhelmed with processing things regarding family members and her ex and she didn't know how long it was going to take to process everything and she loved me and didn't want me to wait around while she figures things out. I'll really miss her. I think we were a great fit together. So now I start post-breakup mode again. Day 1 NC. I'm very sad, although I don't feel as devastated as the relationship that ended last June. That's a good sign as it means my self-growth and self-development have made me stronger and more resilient. That being said, I'm sad and this is a difficult day for me.
Methodical Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I hate that you're feeling sad. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall. I'm glad that you recognize self-growth and acknowledge you're resilient.
Author life-is-short Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Yes, agreed. In retrospect, I probably should have been more self-respectful by saying that either you want me in your life/want relationship or you don't. Space/middle ground doesn't usually work and granting it makes things more complicated. If they want space/don't want you there, better to just move on then. Dan
hunk Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Stay strong fellow Dan. We're a tough breed. You'll make it man, we're all gonna make it. This is just another of life's curveballs that we either let break us down or we accept it and try to see it as another learning opportunity. Quite obviously all those reasons she gave you were complete cop outs - she just wasn't feeling it with you and wanted back with her ex. The positive side is you did nothing wrong. Now you can go into healing knowing you gave it your all and it didn't work out, with no regrets or guilt. As you know already, things will get alot better if you let them
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