Dondon Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I'm nearing 4 months since my BU in December. I went NC a few days after and i stopped counting the days a while ago. I've been in NC, i haven't seen or talked to her (i'm quite lucky here since we live 500m apart from each other), i removed her from social media and i deleted her number. I admit i found out 2 things about her but i couldn't do anything to prevent this. We live in a small town (~5k) and everyone literally knows everyone. She started dating another guy within a week after we broke up, and she met him a week or two before we broke up. She dumped him a month and a half later for another guy and i don't know it they are still together. My healing was going well from the beginning. First two weeks were the hardest, but then it got better week by week. I started going to the gym, working longer hours at work, studying for my last exams and going out with friends. I was getting better and better, but the last 3-4 weeks i have a feeling, that my progress stopped. I have a few good days and than i dream about her, or see something that reminds me of her and i feel likes**t for a day or two. I know that i will have rough days, but this last month was worse that the month before. She's also on my mind far to much. I don't know what to do, to keep her out of my mind. I accepted in my head that we won't be together again. That she lied to me, emotionally cheated on me, manipulated me and betrayed my trust and love. She's young, immature and not ready for a real, commited relationship. She doesn't know what means to be in love and in relationship with someone. I know that she doesn't deserve me, and that i deserve someone who will love and respect me, like i did. I start thinking of all this, when she comes on my mind but it doesn't help. I guess deep down in my heart i have that little piece of hope, that we will be able to reconcile. And maybe i'm afraid of my reaction if/when i see her for the first time. I really want to forget her, heal and move on with my life. I'm in my best years (24) and i don't want to spend them pining for someone who doesn't deserve me or my time. I just don't know how to finally move on. How can i get rid of that last piece of hope. Please help me, i really don't want to feel like this. I used to be so happy before i met her and that's what i'm aiming for again.
Bing Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 , i removed her from social media and i deleted her number. Good work. Avoid people who trigger/share info like the plague. Your heartbreak is like the flu, you want to get better, not keep exposing yourself to the virus. I started going to the gym, working longer hours at work, studying for my last exams and going out with friends. YES! This is your time. I know that i will have rough days, but this last month was worse that the month before. She's also on my mind far to much.You're doing the work. knowing that it takes time is the hardest part. keep the focus on YOU as much as possible. Have you tried mindfulness/meditation? Therapy? I started a CBT/DBT program with a new counselor and it's helped snap me out of the funks but it takes practice and...time She's young, immature and not ready for a real, commited relationship.This is my story too. 2 months out and the fog is just starting to lift I start thinking of all this, when she comes on my mind but it doesn't help. There's no more US, Just YOU now. You're the one with the key to your recovery. She fired you from the job of giving a s**t and putting up with her s**t, stop showing up for a job you're not gettting paid for I just don't know how to finally move on. How can i get rid of that last piece of hope. Time. Focus on you. Figure out who you are, what you want from life and your next relationship. it's hard. it's scary, it's the greatest gift you can give yourself I used to be so happy before i met her and that's what i'm aiming for again. Get happy with YOU. Like attracts like. Do YOU. Be the best YOU. Love YOURSELF first. Good luck on the long road. 1
Author Dondon Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your reply. In theory i'm doing everything one is supposed to after BU. I'm focusing on me, doing things that make me feel better. But it's much harder in RL. I guess time is really what it takes to forget and move on. It would be much easier if i had a feeling that i'm getting better day by day. I haven't tried mediation or therapy. Here in Europe therapy isn't such a big deal like in US. I don't know anyone who was seeing a therapist after BU. Different culture i guess. After a few weeks, when i could look back at my RS without rose colored glasses i realized i was much more invested in this RS than her, especially after honeymoon phase started to end. I worked even harder for this RS after that, because i know every RS needs that. She probably took that honeymoon phase ending as a sign that it's not working anymore. Like i said, she's young, immature and inexperienced. Communication wasn't something she's good at too, so it just couldn't work. I know i'm a good guy with a lot of good qualities and i have a lot to offer. 75% of the stuff we did was my idea. Everyday things, events, trips and other little things i did for her. I love planning and doing all that, but she just couldn't appreciate all this. Well it's her loss, not mine. Like i said i know i deserve better, because i know i'm better. Sometimes you just need that wake up call, to realize all that. But it's still so damn hard to forget her, to get her out of my head. Everything would be so much easier if she wasn't on my mind. Edited April 11, 2015 by Dondon
xxxbecs Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Hey there, I think your just in someway idealising the relationship without knowing it! You might realise you deserve better but your still kind of putting her on a pedestal. I'm from England and I've been to therapy over my narcissist bf, recently just split up. But it really helped me a lot, he wrecked my self esteem and self worth. Whatever your situation they can help you and it is worth the money, I felt free every time I saw her. don't be so hard on yourself everyone has setbacks now and then, but don't idealise the past. Try keep busy like you are, do something new you've never done before. Life can feel slow at times but it's usually right before the tide turns. Good luck
Ruby65 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 It sounds like you're already doing everything right. I'd just try and accept that healing doesn't happen in a straight line. Subconsciously you might've been holding out hope she'd get back to you after a few months.... maybe now you're working through accepting this isn't going to happen. The important thing is to just keep doing the right things, day after day. It DOES continue to get better, but it takes time and I'm not surprised you're still feeling it after just four months. I'd also say when you're ready to start dating again, try to date women who are older than your ex and more experienced. Keep moving forward, you're doing great!
Inlovewithabrit Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I feel for you, its so hard. I am going on five days now since my break up. He was immature as well and its very hard. im having a hard time dealing with things myself right now. I also know I deserve someone better that will love me and care for me as much as I do. Hang in there hun.
Author Dondon Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 Thank you for your replies. Hey there, I think your just in someway idealising the relationship without knowing it! You might realise you deserve better but your still kind of putting her on a pedestal. I'm from England and I've been to therapy over my narcissist bf, recently just split up. But it really helped me a lot, he wrecked my self esteem and self worth. Whatever your situation they can help you and it is worth the money, I felt free every time I saw her. don't be so hard on yourself everyone has setbacks now and then, but don't idealise the past. Try keep busy like you are, do something new you've never done before. Life can feel slow at times but it's usually right before the tide turns. Good luck You might be on to something here. I mean we had a really wonderful 2 years together and she was perfect for me, until she wasn't anymore. Those 2 years with her were what i want from RS, so that's probably a reason for all that. I will continue doing what i do and i hope with time, it will get better. It sounds like you're already doing everything right. I'd just try and accept that healing doesn't happen in a straight line. Subconsciously you might've been holding out hope she'd get back to you after a few months.... maybe now you're working through accepting this isn't going to happen. The important thing is to just keep doing the right things, day after day. It DOES continue to get better, but it takes time and I'm not surprised you're still feeling it after just four months. I'd also say when you're ready to start dating again, try to date women who are older than your ex and more experienced. Keep moving forward, you're doing great! Yeah i realized that it's not a straight line. I guess i just have to keep on moving forward and accept that sometimes dreams and memories will bring me down. I just have to get back up and believe that it will get better. I think you're right. When i went NC i definitely had in mind that it will make her miss me and she will come back. It's been almost 4 months, so that's not happening. Maybe i'm really just starting to accept that there is no hope left and that's why i had a rough month. I must admit i knew it would take me quite a few months to get over her, because i really loved her with my heart. I think we met a few years to early, like you said i should try to date more experienced and mature women. But i'm not ready yet, it wouldn't be fair to me and to the new girl right now. I feel for you, its so hard. I am going on five days now since my break up. He was immature as well and its very hard. im having a hard time dealing with things myself right now. I also know I deserve someone better that will love me and care for me as much as I do. Hang in there hun. I know how you feel. Those first days/weeks are the hardest. I advise you to keep NC. It's really hard going from talking every day to not talking anymore. But it's even harder talking to someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore. I wanted to get back with her too, but reading through this forums i realized i will just push her farther away if i keep talking and pleading with her. Remove him from social media and delete his number. It will get better, we just have to believe. Reading through these 2 threads helped me when i started NC. Give it a try. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-you-ve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted
Author Dondon Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 The last 2 weeks were great for me. You guys were right when you said that healing doesn't happen in straight line. You can see from my first post in this thread that i had a few bad days before that. It really is one hell of a roller coaster. Like i said two great weeks after my last post in this thread. Wrote about it in "How are you coping today" thread and i will quote it here. Coping very well today and the previous 10 days. 2 weeks ago i was feeling really down so that's a nice change. I guess i'm still on that roller coaster, where i have a few bad and good days. I had 2 great weekends which made me feel really good, because they are the hardest for me since we spent whole weekend together. I went bowling for the first time and a great party after that, and took a 3 days trip the next weekend. Still going to the gym and i'm quite proud of my progress. Showing some muscles is always good for your confidence and self esteem. Of course i still think of her every day, although not that often anymore. And when i do, i start reading what i wrote down about her, our relationship and about me. I found out that thinking about me, my good human qualities and qualities i bring to a relationship is helping me. I'm a good guy and i was a damn good boyfriend to her. I loved and cared about her more than anyone else will. I was nice, kind and loyal. I respected, trusted her and apreciated her and everything she did. I invested so much more in this RS than her. It's hard but i know i deserve better than her and that she doesn't deserve someone as good as me. She walked away from me? Fine, i don't want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate everything i do for her. In the end it's her loss, because i believe i will find someone better for me. Someone who will love me, care about me, trust and respect me. Someone who will appreciate me and everything i do. Because when i'm committed to someone, i do EVERYTHING i can for her, for us and for our relationship. We can do it! We can forget them and we can move one. It's been 4 months for me and i'm slowly realizing that i can be happy again. That i can enjoy my life without her and find a girl who will be perfect for me. Let's go ME. The best days after my BU. And guess what happened today? I saw her. I saw her for the first time since my BU ~4 months ago. It was a strange feeling. I was in my car driving and i first saw her brother walking towards me with a girl. At first i didn't even recognize her. I casually waved "hello" to him with my hand on my steering wheel and than i saw it was her. It was really strange. She looked totally different to me, although she looks the same as i last saw her. Of course my heart jumped and i got that feeling when you see your ex after BU. Like something went through my whole body. I tried to stay calm and keep on driving. Luckily for me i was on my way to the gym so i'm calm now. I just felt the need to write about it here. Don't worry i have no intention on breaking NC. It just had to happened i guess, since we live 500m away from each other. I did a good job avoiding places where she likes to go. And i got a confirmation today, that i still have some work to do, to heal, get over her and move on. Anyone have some words of encouragement for me? I could use a "pick me up".
totenkopf Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Hey there, I think your just in someway idealising the relationship without knowing it! You might realise you deserve better but your still kind of putting her on a pedestal. I'm from England and I've been to therapy over my narcissist bf, recently just split up. But it really helped me a lot, he wrecked my self esteem and self worth. Whatever your situation they can help you and it is worth the money, I felt free every time I saw her. don't be so hard on yourself everyone has setbacks now and then, but don't idealise the past. Try keep busy like you are, do something new you've never done before. Life can feel slow at times but it's usually right before the tide turns. Good luck I feel just the same I feel that my ex is a Narcissist. What happened?
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