xxxbecs Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Hello everyone! Please bare with me as this is my first ever post! But I feel I really I need some advice from other perspectives and I'm struggling to cope. Been with a guy for over 2 years now, didn't start well as he was seeing other people behind my back and when I found out he said he didn't want a girlfriend at the time. I left him alone and he always came running back, eventually he was ready to settle down and he deleted Facebook as he refused to put in a relationship which yes should of sent alarm bells ringing but I was naive and he told me it was due to keeping his life private as he was a newly qualified teacher. Months went by and the odd thing would crop up that he had text other girls so we would break up and he would begin texting a new girl and then weeks later he would come back and me being stupid would take him back. This has gone on for over a year now, there has always been other girls even while we was together, going on dates the same day we split and things, he never compliments me, anything I do is never good enough he always makes me feel worthless. Time went on and we kept breaking up and getting back together, he never uploads pics of us to social media, he says he's not that kind of person etc. He never takes me anywhere anything seems such an ordeal for him, he takes me for the odd meal but it's never my choice where, all my suggestions are rubbish he says. He never seems to listen what I have to say, my job isn't good enough, his friends come first, makes promises and doesn't deliver. Always feel like he's on the look out for something else. Lies about his whereabouts and time he finishes work too. Seems like whenever an occasion comes up he creates an argument so he can do as he pleases. We broke up before Xmas and he came running back after new year promising he had grown up and realised I am the only girl so everything went well for a while, till I called him out on things i didn't like. Never makes an effort to fuss over me or give me affection, always pulling me down and my family. I feel like he looks down on my family/home. He has his own mortgage from his dad, so he uses that against me and makes me feel like I'm stupid as he is younger than me. I feel like he needs a rich girl. He falls out with me when it suits him. I treat him like a king and I feel so unappreciated. He fails to give anything back, never acknowledges my achievements or needs. I feel so lonely all the time. I can't even go to the gym without seeing him or a girl he had something with I've been to a therapist before who said he's a narcissist and abuser. But I feel like I can't leave him my heart is literally breaking. This last time he promised to see me and instead called me in a funny mood saying his friend wants to see him instead, I usually cook for him every time I see him, my mum does all his washing it's basically a 5 star hotel for him at mine. So he caused an argument I told him how I felt as it had been building up and he decided not to text me till 11pm no word of where he had been just that he was sorry and loves me and just stressed just like every other time he caused an argument. I was very sad so I told him this is not good enough and I don't like the way I am being treated. He then decided to ignore me mostly, just rando, texts asking why I'm not talking to him but I told him I was upset with him which in return gave more ignorance then finally 4 days after the argument he said it was me who doesn't care as I had not been in touch with him which is totally untrue, I was hurt and awaiting an apology which I never got. I went away with family for Easter, which I was supposedly spending with him but he never got I touch with me. I recently found out from his friends gf who is having a birthday party which he declined to go to for his own reasons has now gone behind my back and told her he is going and it was me who did not wish to attend, which I believe is a big stab im the back and he failed to tell me anything, I had to hear this from her. I them text him saying how hurt I was by his actions and how he is treating me. I then was sent a reply of " pointless fking argument" to which I never replied as he shuts me down each time I try to talk about how I feel. Since then I've not contacted him, and it has now been 5 days since we spoke and 13 days since I last saw him. All his belongings are still at my home, which he hasn't tried to retrieve yet. My mind is going crazy. Mostly thinking he has somebody else or just worrying in general. It's causing problems for me at home, I just feel so alone my friends are wrapped up in their own lives, they never wanna leave their bfs. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. I literally feel like I don't want to be here anymore, I try so hard in life and just keep getting knocked down. I've left a lot of detail out of this too. Sorry for the essay, I hope you guys can help me see sense. Many thanks, mwah x
ZiggyZoo Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Your second paragraph settled it for me, when you said he was seeing girls behind your back and told you he didn't want a girlfriend. Those are two HUGE red flags, and then the on/off again crap is another one. I can't even begin with his behavior-did you say your mom does his laundry? You need to run away from this lying, cheating loser and never look back. I'd also suggest you head over to "Baggage Reclaim" and read what she has to say about unavailable men. He may be narcissistic, the two share similarities. But she's written a bunch about these type of guys, and she can really help you get a handle on why they do it and what you need to understand, moving forward. Good luck, you deserve so much better than him, I can't even say... 3
Poppyolive Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I couldn't read the whole thing, but something tells me I didn't need too. Whatever the heck is wrong with him, I'd be more concerned about your boundaries. He's doing all this because he gets away with it, each and every time. 3
Miss Sisyphus Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) There are a lot of great videos about narcissists by Sam Vaknin on Youtube. I've been watching them since I just realized my mother is one. Here are some of her traits: No empathy. But this is tricky because she puts on a good act. She'll give us money, act like she worries about our safety, etc., but it's all about her controlling us. She needs to keep us around to provide her with "narcissistic supply." The reality is, narcissists don't even see other people as individuals. They're just an extension of the narcissist. This is why they are lousy gift-givers. Hates holidays and birthdays. Must try to destroy all events that don't feature her as the center of attention For instance, she left my daughter's 8th grade graduation ceremony in a huff because my daughter didn't want her picture taken. Because we all rode in the same car, she ended up walking three miles to get home! Needs to always be admired/pitied She talks really loud about her accomplishments in public. She also claimed that the death of her grandson affected her far worse than it did his own parents. She claimed the same thing when I had to have my 13 year-old dog euthanized. I could go on and on, but you should do some research. If he is a narcissist, you might as well get out now. They are not capable of love. It's just how they're designed. It's like an author said, "I don't blame a tiger for being a tiger, but I don't mess with tigers either." Edited April 11, 2015 by Miss Sisyphus 3
Satu Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Get this idiot out of your life, go no contact, and start thinking about finding a guy who deserves you. He doesn't. A really foolproof way of stopping yourself from getting what you want is to accept something else. Thats exactly what you've done. I mean, come on - you know you don't want this! Eject, eject, eject. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Problem solved. 2
hoping2heal Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Whether he is a narcissist or not, he does not seem to value you and you do not seem to value yourself either. Relationships are not perfect but my goodness, they don't have to be this one sided. They can be loving and happy. You need to value yourself enough to not stay in relationships where you are not treated the way you deserve. You can't do anything about him, but you can watch out for your own best interest and be kind to yourself by only entering in where you are loved, cherished, and valued. If you have some kind of an issue with healthy relationships then seek out why that is and resolve the root issue so you can stop making yourself unhappy. 3
fireflywy Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) Even your therapist called him a narcissist and abuser. You should run. With that said, and as another poster mentioned, you need to examine why you're attached to him and your boundaries. I would start by examing what constitutes what is known as an "anxious attachment style" and learn to recognize what behaviors (in general with anyone) activate your attachment and boundaries i.e. shoring up the relationship. I learned mine and it certainly helped me reconize (for the future) what activates me and what people I should avoid. Look up books on amazon. Edited April 11, 2015 by fireflywy 2
Author xxxbecs Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 Thank you everyone for your replies so far, I think I have just been wanting confirmation I wasn't being crazy, it's been so long I don't even know what's right and wrong anymore. Yes I agree I've not had any boundaries even though I thought I did. I'm now reading Mr unavailable and the fall back girl. I did research narcissists on YouTube months ago and it fits him perfectly however I think I kind of didn't want to believe he was and that he would change. I'm just petrified of seeing him with someone else but then again I shouldn't be surprised as he always has back ups. It's hard aswell as I fall out with my mum because she reacts like a pit bull whereas I think about many other ways to react and sometimes with silence. I'm more agitated as what to do with his belongings as he has made no attempts to collect them and I feel anxious waiting for him to call. But then again I don't want to be chasing him as he wants me to make the first move and it's not my problem as they are his things?
goldway90 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Next step is RUN RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK. i say throw his belongings away and move on you deserve better. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Line 3 you said he was seeing girls behind your back. Everything after that is null and void. Get out a piece of paper. Write down everything that makes you feel good in a relationship. Write down everything that makes you feel bad. Study these things. Promise yourself that in the future should the bad things appear you will walk away from the person. You will cut ties. No exceptions. 1
rockyrockerson Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 This may sound cruel, but I think you are completely justified in putting his things outside and telling him he can pick them up if he wants them. If he does come by, don't speak to him. If he doesn't, toss the stuff in the trash and move on. He'll call in a few weeks with his same ol schtick that he misses you and you're the only girl for him. Ignore it. You are worth much more. He is quite obviously a user. 2
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Line 3 you said he was seeing girls behind your back. Everything after that is null and void. Agreed, It is far easier to see him with someone else when you have split, rather than have him hurt you, by seeing other people behind your back, whilst you are still together. 1
planb1973 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 There is a very positive side to all of this, but it will require work on your end. All relationships are 50/50 even abusive ones. Once you look real hard at why you are willing to stay in such a relationship and own your side of it you may actually find an avenue for personal growth. I was in a 3 year relationship with a borderline, there are some similar traits to narcissism, which almost destroyed me. Trough therapy, tons of reading, and a realization that I allowed myself to stay, which was my 50%. I now see that relationship as the catalyst to me doing the work on myself which has opened the door to healthy relationships. Its a hard pill to swallow, owning that you are allowing yourself to be in an abusive relationship, but once you do and then dig deep in yourself as to why you may come out of this with a gift. The gift of a healthy relationship. Sorry though it won't be with him. 5
Itspointless Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I feel for you xxxbecs, why the &&% do you put up with this? And even your mother does ... (oh my!) The tip on attachment styles is spot on. Why do you think you deserve this? By the way unavailability is not reserved for guys only, but this guy is just an a-hole. The next step? Disappear from the earth for him and let your mother burn his laundry. He is a loser. 1
Author xxxbecs Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 Thank you everybody for your responses, I'm so grateful. I didn't why I've put up with it so long but now I know why because I have little self respect and I was lost in my love for him. Tonight things took an even bigger turn for the worse a huge fight escalated in my house and resulted in me and my brother getting physical so I'm currently in bed alone crying. Yes I sound such a loser. i literally have nobody all my friends are wrapped. Up in their own lives, I feel like nobody cares at all. I don't make new friends easily and I feel at the moment I'm just existing and I don't want to feel like a total drip. I'm making it worse by over thinking and imagining him out living life as he does and I'm always at home just how he likes it. Literally feel at rock bottom. I just don't even know what to do next, I'm exhausted. How can he just ignore me like this?
Miss Sisyphus Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Have you gone on Youtube yet and looked at the videos on narcissism? At the very least, the videos may distract you from your misery. I've decided to educate myself about how to handle a break-up instead of just feeling terrified, depressed, and worthless. I guess it's my way of having some control. It's not you--it's him. He's screwed up! Go watch the videos and you'll know the truth.
Author xxxbecs Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you everyone for your help. Yes I've been doing some reading and researching again and it fits him perfectly. I can see it is going to be a long road but it will be worth it. Xx
Itspointless Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I didn't why I've put up with it so long but now I know why because I have little self respect and I was lost in my love for him. Tonight things took an even bigger turn for the worse a huge fight escalated in my house and resulted in me and my brother getting physical so I'm currently in bed alone crying. Yes I sound such a loser. i literally have nobody all my friends are wrapped. Up in their own lives, I feel like nobody cares at all. I don't make new friends easily and I feel at the moment I'm just existing and I don't want to feel like a total drip. I'm making it worse by over thinking and imagining him out living life as he does and I'm always at home just how he likes it. Literally feel at rock bottom. I just don't even know what to do next, I'm exhausted. How can he just ignore me like this? You are not a loser. I get the feeling - I can be wrong - that you mirrored your mother in taking care of others. I also do not know if that is normal behaviour of your brother, but it sounds like he does not respect your personal boundaries either. Perhaps a first step is telling your friends that you feel lonely and like to see them more. Do not be afraid to show people what you need.
Miss Sisyphus Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you everyone for your help. Yes I've been doing some reading and researching again and it fits him perfectly. I can see it is going to be a long road but it will be worth it. Xx Good for you! The road will be as long as you want it to be. If he's truly a narcissist, he is not a happy person and never will be. He won't be good to any woman. You can take comfort in knowing you will recover, but he won't. 1
Miss Sisyphus Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Wait--you didn't mean you were going to try to "fix" him did you?
Author xxxbecs Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 You are not a loser. I get the feeling - I can be wrong - that you mirrored your mother in taking care of others. I also do not know if that is normal behaviour of your brother, but it sounds like he does not respect your personal boundaries either. Perhaps a first step is telling your friends that you feel lonely and like to see them more. Do not be afraid to show people what you need. Thank you! My friends aren't so easy to talk to like that, they wouldn't understand. I just want to be surrounded by good people, I've lost some friends because of him but I wouldn't say they was a loss as they were selfish and always competing with me but it still sucks. No my brother isn't usually aggressive and he didn't fight with me over this situation he has recently had a break up too so maybe tensions are running high.
Author xxxbecs Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Good for you! The road will be as long as you want it to be. If he's truly a narcissist, he is not a happy person and never will be. He won't be good to any woman. You can take comfort in knowing you will recover, but he won't. Hi, no I didn't mean fix him, the things I have read fit his behaviour exactly and my therapist even said he is a narcissist so I guess I just have to try move on and fight for my self just keep upsetting myself as I feel more and more now that he is must have somebody else. It would help if I had good friends but I don't only a good family which i guess I need to be more grateful for. I don't know if I should block him completely even though I still have his belongings here. But would that make me look like I'm upset and bothered by him or not?
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